i need help, please..

⚠️ TW: p3d0, POCD. i'm really distressed that i've developed a paraphilic disorder (or discovered it) because it feels more real than POCD.. i see many reports here saying that they are afraid of being around minors under 15, 16, 17 years of age.. i feel my panic starting under 13. It's uncomfortable to be around younger teenagers, sure, but it doesn't sound as awful as being around children (literally). it seems like there are some "focus" ages, like 9, 11 or 12. i feel desperate because i once read in a paper on paraphilic pedophilia disorder that it is only considered p3d0 when the individual is 5 or 6 years younger than the victim of "desire". this really worries me. i don't have direct thoughts of me abusing a child, sometimes i do...they're more in the 3rd person, of children being abused or something else. they're the most degrading thoughts a human being can have. and I'm afraid they're mine, from my unconscious... i've dreamed about it a few times. It's so sadistic and cruel. becoming a bad person has always been my biggest fear. i feel like i've always been afraid of it, but i know i'm not.

OCDFamily

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 36w

Have you tried therapy or self help books for this?

Ishtar._

Date posted: 36w

yes! i don't read self-help books, because i don't have any recommendations. do you find it suspicious? i'm scared. i read a lot on websites and PDFs.

danir_2006

Date posted: 36w

Hi! I just wanna say that this is definitely ocd and it’s important to remember that and take a moment to breathe, as it’s hard to think clearly when anxiety is fogging your brain up. Your brain is perceiving a threat that isn’t there because your ocd is trying to distort your thinking and make you overestimate the danger these thoughts pose. Try and sit with these feeling of discomfort and unease and all the icky feelings without trying to answer the questions your ocd is delivering you and making you feel like you *have* to answer. Eventually with practice it becomes easier and you realize that these thoughts don’t need to be answered and don’t need to mean something, and it’s just the ocd trying to mess with you. You can handle the discomfort, you’re stronger than you think, and you’ve got this. I recommend trying to delay the thoughts for as much as you can, even if it feels like an immediate danger you need to answer now. And if you’re ever struggling, there’s an SOS button on this site that can talk you through an obsession or compulsion to help you through trying to break the cycle. You’re not in danger, try and let the thought pass naturally before going to do something enjoyable or grabbing a glass of water. Each time the thought comes back, let it ebb into your mind and flow out naturally. It’ll be okay. You got this and I believe in you :)) there is recovery and you simply being on this site is one huge step towards that. You’re doing great

Ishtar._

Date posted: 36w

thank you very much for your words! i really hope it is OCD and that all my suffering, anguish and hatred come from a disorder. it is difficult to go through this, through such a bizarre and atypical topic. but it would definitely be much worse if i found out that it came from me, that i was paraphilic or something like that.. anyway, thank you very much! i wish you the best in your process, i saw that you also suffer from the same issue and we are almost the same age. i'm so sorry! :c ♡

danir_2006

Date posted: 36w

@Ishtar._ Thank you! That means a lot. It’s good to connect to people who experience similar stuff to remember we’re not alone in this, and we’re not weirdos for experiencing it. It’s simply a disorder that unfortunately really messes with our minds, but it doesn’t make us bad. It’s important to remember that the reason our disorder brings it up so much is because it’s something we truly care about, which is why it brings up all the icky feelings and doubt and fear. We’re not alone and it’ll get better, we just have to try our best to take those steps :)) ❤️

Givenup

Date posted: 16w

Pocd and dr disrespect

I hope someone can respond... Im genuinely so triggered and so anxious... Dr disrespect was accused of inappropriately messaging and sending explicit images to a minor, and trying to meet up with them at twitchcon... my POCD is saying that my situation with me venting about 18+ explicit HOCD stuff to people in the PM's on an OCD groupchat I found from NOCD, including the minors, when I was 19, means that I am just as bad as they are... or worse... I pm'ed them from the support group and vented to them in private (including the minors) about my 18+ explicit HOCD struggles... one was uncomfortable by it so i stopped messaging her... the other gave me reassurance so i kept asking her for reassurance... I dont ever want to ever be attracted to minors in any way... I dont ever want to ever engage in any inappropriate relations with minors in any way... i dont ever want to EVER be a MAP, a P, or a gro*mer in any way... I dont ever want to be what my pocd says about me... im so scared... someone said that I need help, that I need to turn myself in, and that im hiding behind a diagnosis because of this situation... i genuinely feel so hopeless... I dont ever want to ever be a monster...

Givenup

Date posted: 16w

Pocd and anxiety

I hope someone can respond... Im genuinely so triggered and so anxious... Dr disrespect was accused of inappropriately messaging and sending explicit images to a minor, and trying to meet up with them at twitchcon... my POCD is saying that my situation with me venting about 18+ explicit HOCD stuff to people in the PM's on an OCD groupchat I found from NOCD, including the minors, when I was 19, means that I am just as bad as they are... or worse... I pm'ed them from the support group and vented to them in private (including the minors) about my 18+ explicit HOCD struggles... one was uncomfortable by it so i stopped venting to her after she told me she was uncomfortable by it twice... the other gave me reassurance so i kept asking her for reassurance for my 18+ hocd struggles... I dont ever want to ever be attracted to minors in any way... I dont ever want to ever engage in any inappropriate relations with minors in any way... i dont ever want to EVER be a MAP, a P, or a gro*mer in any way... I dont ever want to be what my pocd says about me... im so scared... someone said that I need help, that I need to turn myself in, and that im hiding behind a diagnosis because of this situation... i genuinely feel so hopeless... I dont ever want to ever be a monster...

Shaodidi

Date posted: 12w

I don’t understand who I am

TW So I haven’t been diagnosed with pocd, but many ppl said that I have it. I was in bed when I remembered this time when I first started experiencing what I hope is false attraction not actual pedophilia, I’m looking back on it rn n I’m worried it wasn’t false attraction, I remember feeling a sense of attraction when I saw that kid, I was about14 at the time and the kid was 11 or 12. I remember constantly searching to see if it was normal for a 14 year old to like a 12 or 11 year old, I was worried when I was doing that i think, I also kept walking pass her to look at her i think to check if i was attracted or not, but it makes me worried that I was attracted to her because im worried that i did it bc i was actually attracted. now looking back on it rn, I don’t feel panic, worry, shame, or guilt, I originally only felt panic and worry, never shame or guilt. Now I don’t feel any of it, not feeling panic and worry now makes me think that I am a p, I don’t want to be a p. I hope im not a p, Ive talked to a therapist and they’ve said that it’s pocd, but it wasn’t a official diagnosis, I’m worried it was a false diagnosis because I lied on one or two of the questions. I also constantly get senses of what I hope is false attraction when I see some kids, and I keep trying to figure out if it is real or false attraction. Also some other time today I was feeling aroused and I wanted to m#sturbate, but then thoughts of kids started popping up, I think that I didn’t like them, I’m not sure any more, but while I was finishing the thoughts kept comigg by, idk what it means but it felt like I enjoyed it, which made me worried, but after I finished the thoughts disappeared a lot more, idk why that happened idk what it means, could someone give me some advice pls?? I don’t wanna be a pedo. All of that happening makes me feel like I am one, can someone give me advice on what’s happening and what I am??

POCD

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