@Anonymous What i was experiencing this day too was a high ocd/anxiety attack and i started to spin about how should i react, what should i do. Then i realized its rumminating but noticing everything and laveling it as rummination aka a bad thing to do for my recovery made me feel bad about myself and its pretty stressful to think everything you try to do in that moment is bad for your recovery. Everything felt like rummination, then labeling everything as bad is making you feel hopeless.. I tried to do anything but i got triggered that its a bad thing for my recovery, and i was questioning this to myself, okay i can disregard the ocd thought if i sense it as ocd but if i believe it 100% then what to do? I cant just ignore it cause i believe its a danger. The resistance i very big like "no this is bad, i have to think about it " or when i say i love myself its the "no youre not". I feel like i cant write down exactly how i felt today and it makes me angry... It was a thought that okay i can handle this but only when i has that inside feeling of knowing its ocd and i will be okay, but now i didnt had that so i was afraid of it. I couldnt see what i need to do, trying to do anything was a rummination and just not doing anything about it well it will give you a panic attack, cause you need a view about how you go into that "war". That confidence. Before it helped that somehow i was being compassionate and loving with myself, now i tried to force myself into being compassionate and loving but thats not being actually compassionate with yourself, it only works if you calm yourself, then i treid to calm myself and you know thats the worse thing you can do, i just stressed myself more with trying to calm down which made me anxious more... it never helps if you try to calm down cause the anxiety will scream at you, you have to reach that state of "okay i had enough, i will be confident" but thats a feeling too and you wont reach that feeling at that moment cause i was compulsively trying to be in that state. Whatever i tried to do it was because i didnt wanted to feel how a feel, but okay accept it, so if thoughts makes me panic then accept everytime that im panicking over my thoughts... okay what stops that panic? Cause me just sitting with it will feed the panic till i get emotionally tired. You have to stop feed the panic but i will try to stop it in a fearful way, and again to not do that you will have to be in a confident state, but you wont be there everyime... And there was a bad thing that happened to me last week, i was learning to let myself feel my emotions, and i was doing great, until the anxiety got so bad that i got a panic, and i said okay i will sit with it, but the panic couldnt burn out, like it couldnt stop cause it started to generate more thoughts that made me panic more which generated more thoughts, and it was a never ending cycle and i started feeling like i cant do this it was too much and i remember i shared that here that sitting witg panic didnt helped cause i was noticing every thought and again i will not write down what happend, the panic was feeding itself with thoughts... so then others said and i realized too that actually i need to focus on something else that time not my thoughts, but that feels like avoiding and im sure how i do it is avoiding cause im trying to get away of that cycle cause it will just beat me up, so i do it in avoidance which is bad and i notice it and i feel bad about it... everytime you stop thinking about something cause you dont want to feed it or you dont want to be in a tired place is avoidance cause you dont want to be there, your mind will notice oh thats a bad thing i dont want to be in. So when you get that panic that feeds itself and you start rumminating and the automatic what if thought and this will happen and that will happen, it will stress you out, its not healthy, but you dont want to be there so youre avoiding it... So either way sometimes you need to stop the thoughts and shift your focus but other times thats avoidance and no matter what situation im in my brain screams that im avoiding.
Sorry im not sure if its clear what i wrote down, im pretty angry that i cant wrote down what i was going through today, it just really feels like before it helped cause i felt different but now i dont feel that confident... and in that time when i believe the ocd/panic, idk what to do cause everything feel like a compulsion, even calming down...
