soocd

@anonymous00001 Same. I didn’t realize it was her when I was initially reading but then I searched her up and read stuff again and I’m anxious. As a bi person to another bi person, would you wanna talk about our experiences? Cuz I have ROCD and SOOCD and it’s scaring the hell out of me that I just don’t love my boyfriend

@LiaExe28 hi guys how did u know you were bi cause i have soocd and im scared i like girls. i guess i wouldn’t mind being bi if that meant i still had attraction to men. does that sound like im bi. can we maybe chat a little more on here?

@LiaExe28 Yes I’m happy to talk on here about it. Hopefully not spiral together, but might be helpful to find common ground.

@anonymous00001 yes totally! i’m out right now but i’d be happy to talk in a little while if that’s okay

@anonymous12345675883 I knew I was bi when I had a genuine real crush on a girl in high school. It felt like my crushes on guys so I chocked it up to huh im bi. Never had any issues until I saw the words comphet and lost my mind thinking I was lying to my boyfriend even tho I knew I wasn’t and still am not. Sex seems to be the thing that my ocd brain has latched onto atm

@anonymous12345675883 Hi! I’ve just always kind of liked both. My attractions to each gender feel basically the same. I’ve never had sec with a woman, but my sex drive with my boyfriend is very high. He used to identify as bi too, but more recently has been saying he doesn’t believe in labels and realized his attraction to men was fueled by porn and ideas on the internet about sexuality. He believes that human sexuality is simply a spectrum. Which I also believe. But we’re in an echo-chamber as 2 people who don’t have a straight forward sexuality. I started struggling with SOOCD about 2 years ago, but have had other OCD themes through out my entire life, but this one really scares me. My boyfriend is the most important person in my life. I want a future and a life with him forever but I feel so guilty with the fear that some day my sexuality might change. I don’t want it to be fluid and I don’t want it to fall in a gray area. I want 100% certainty.

@LiaExe28 That’s so hard! I feel the same way about the fear of lying. Are you in therapy at the moment?

@anonymous00001 @anonymous00001 hi okay so if you guys don’t mind i just want to share my story with you both so here it is and feel free to tell me yours as well! it’s a little long sorry about that! but if you guys don’t mind reading it and letting me know if it sounds like your bi stories or if it sounds like i have some internalized homophobia i need to address i’ve had ocd my whole life with main themes of harm, contamination, and health and got diagnosed in second grade then quit therapy after about two years. i had ocd about stuff here and there. now getting into soocd. i thought i was straight my whole life and thought i had genuine crushes and feelings for boys(even though ocd makes me doubt it) and my mom agrees. then covid hit. I was 13. i don’t remember what triggered it but i remember crying to my mom saying what if im gay i dont want to be gay all the time for about two months. she was like girl your not. then i spiraled and was compulsively checking for arousal for two years but never wanted to look it up in fear that it would confirm i was gay, leading me to never know it was in fact soocd. during that time it also targeted my best friend and made me think i had a crush on her my whole life. i never acted on it. then it slowly kinda went away and i went back to being “straight” where i would make out with guys and had three crushes during that time and even got my heartbroken by a guy. i even got into a relationship with a guy and we’ve been dating for a year now. whenever someone brought up covid i would also say how traumatic it was because of those thoughts. now it came back about four months ago. i was scrolling on tik tok and got a groinal to a girl dancing which led me to say “oh no this can’t be happening again” i acted on it and then freaked out. i told my mom screaming crying about a week later after suffering. i then got diagnosed with soocd shortly after. i thought it was over but no. this lead to the past for months of just endlessly being scared depressed and in fight or flight cause i didn’t want to be gay. it’s not that i care when someone is gay i think gay guys are the coolest and i think bi people are cool aswell. i didn’t grow up in a homophobic family and they would be supportive if i was gay. i just didn’t want it for myself. now here we are. after months of just endless torture. today i kinda came to the realization that i wouldn’t mind being bi cause i think that’s kinda cool and it feels like i have some calm or alignment when i say that but i still don’t want to be and it still causes me anxiety and i don’t think i want to actually act on it. i really don’t want to be fully lesbian. i just want to like men but im scared i don’t like them or don’t feel enough for them. it all feels very confusing. tell me what you think and if you would like to share your story as well!

@anonymous12345675883 i guess i just don’t know. since i would be okay with being bi as long as i still like men. like saying that doesn’t cause me distress but i can’t tell if imagining myself with a woman feels like alignment or distress. it kinda feels like alignment but also gives me a little distress and anxiety. like saying i have same sex attraction i don’t think feels good.

@anonymous12345675883 lol sorry for the essay dang

@anonymous00001 I am yeah, not ocd specific but it’s therapy

@anonymous00001 My sex drive with my bf used to be a lot higher now it feels like I’m enjoying sex less which is a bummer cuz I really do want to enjoy it and I have in the past before all of this (we were doing different forms of sex cuz we were both virgins and very scared of losing our v cards) I always had fun and when we first started I had fun and there were days where I did enjoy it a lot and would think about it constantly but lately it’s been flat. We have sex but I’m not feeling a lot besides him thrusting. There’s no feeling coming from me. I don’t make eye contact, never really have even before this. Maybe it’s the position that I’m in that makes it feel weird. I’ve never had sex with a woman never had the desire to. I’m just so anxious that I’m not feeling right during sex. Like hearing him moan and make faces during sex doesn’t turn me on. Posing in a sexy way doesn’t do it either unless it’s foreplay, if it’s after sex it’s not doing much. Idk what it is. I hate this. We used to be able to go multiple rounds (tmi) but now I can barely go more than one. I feel nauseous. None of this has ever happened. Has my body suddenly realized that I don’t like men or is it just soocd/ROCD

@LiaExe28 this is actually very normal when your going through soocd. it’s because your to in your head and when dealing with soocd it’s very very exhausting and takes a lot out of you mentally which makes it harder to enjoy things like that. but that’s very normal. if you liked it before that doesn’t just go away.

@anonymous12345675883 Ig that’s true but now I’m questioning if I ever enjoyed it at all or if I had sex cuz I felt like it was the next step/the right thing to do. I knew I wanted to have sex I was just really nervous cuz I was a virgin and so was he. I remember crying cuz I was nervous. But I knew I wanted to. And the first time we did it it was great. Second time too. Then we did it in a bathroom in the basement of a building on campus and I started getting anxious again about it. Maybe cuz he said his mom wanted to meet me and I got in my head about being a lesbian. Then we went and had sex. I was tempted to say no but I wanted to. But I was so worried about getting caught I don’t think I was enjoying it much. I can’t tell if I was forcing myself and I’m scared that if I was it means I’m a lesbian. I just wanted to feel good in that moment. I wanted to but my anxiety was hijacking the situation. I’m sweating and crying cuz I’m so anxious. Even if I’m not in my head that much I still worry afterwards if I enjoyed it. If it felt passionate enough. I feel like I’m going insane

@LiaExe28 calm calm. i know it feels like your alone and this isn’t normal but it is. when your in your head it is SO hard to feel something. trust been there done that. the fact your this in your head about it is going to make it impossible to feel something.

@LiaExe28 also i don’t know if you would know but does my story sound like i have internalized homophobia i need to deal with since i don’t want to be bi or gay. i don’t say that offensively i really don’t care at all if other people are or do i think it’s wrong. do u mind maybe reading my story?

@anonymous12345675883 I read it over, honestly I was a little anxious coming to terms with being bi but I was also excited. That differs from how I feel now which is just full on panic. My mom also comforted me when I was panicking reminding me of the times I did actually enjoy dating men. My soocd isn’t diagnosed but has been going on since June (ironic.) it also shifted to one of my friends for a while and now it’s on a different friend so I get that. It swings back and forth for me. Being bi is nice at least to me, you have a choice, you can live the life you want or you can try smthn new is how I see it. I get what you mean with the worrying about liking men. I’ve always been so sure of my attraction but now it all feels blurry and like me head is just fog. I can’t remember anything. Some days I’ve had clarity where I’m like “wow I love my boyfriend and he’s really cute today. I’m gonna kiss him” but lately it’s been “I wanna kiss him but I’m worried if we progress to sex I’ll want to stop. I know he won’t be mad if we stop but I’ll still feel bad. But I want to have sex. Why don’t I feel anything except thrusting. I don’t feel any emotions” it sucks. And I’m scared. And tired

@No matric certificate yes i am in seeing a therapist and have been diagnosed with soocd but so was elle