- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 37w
I met the most incredible guy.
Hi! (I always turn on a trigger warning in case there was an accidental trigger for someone) I’ve been slowly coming out of a ocd relapse and had an amazing weekend with an incredible guy. Last week I’ve been bad about compulsions and handling random triggers. I feel bad even today for looking up internalized homophobia and trying to see if I relate. I’ve never been homophobic it’s just for me being gay is not who I am. I know I’ve been getting better because the thoughts don’t bother me as much but then it’s “but why don’t they bother me” kind of thing which is annoying. I’m a straight woman who struggles with SOOCD, ROCD, with hints of Suicidal ocd in the mix. I struggle with a lot of themes but SOOCD and ROCD are prominent and have been the most difficult for me personally. I have always been with and fallen in love with men. My dream has always been to marry like Bruce Wayne or have always imagined myself being with the leading guy in a movie that I thought was attractive. I was even married to a guy. We are getting divorced and I’m realizing that I went through a lot of mental abuse and ignored a lot of red flags. My confidence and self esteem have never been so low. Until I met this guy. I was on the verge of a breakdown with the relapse I had been having. Before I left to see this guy, my mom had a talk with me. She told me that the reason I was relapsing was because of my period being late (which it still is) and that I’m still carrying the hurt and shame I experienced from my marriage failing. From feeling ugly and not being good enough for my ex husband who was emotionally cheating on me. She said “OCD is making decisions for you before you even get the chance to. OCD is going to attack what makes you happy”. And this new guy really does. I don’t know how to explain it but when I saw him this weekend, I felt peace. OCD still crept in but it was easier to manage especially when he was there with me. I honestly have feelings for him but am not use to feeling so calm. He knows how to talk to me and he pays attention to me. We have a deep connection and I honestly see myself having a future with him. OCD has been attacking me here and there with worry that I’m lying to him about who I am or seeing him leave with another woman. I’m scared. I’m scared I’m going to get hurt again and scared about all the uncertainty again. I’ve never once questioned these things about myself until November of 2023. I’ve been doing better but I’ve been feeling so many different things and now I value this man so man. I’m scared I’m going to hurt him because of my ocd and the thoughts I have. I keep having thoughts about lying and it’s just awful. I caught a glimpse of the old me when I was with this guy. I could feel my feelings and that connection that I always use to have with myself before ocd. I didn’t realize how much stress has really destroyed my sense of self. My self trust and always being confident in who I am. I could feel whenever I looked into his eyes and how he melted my heart. It felt amazing to be me again even if it’s for a short amount of time. I recently listened to Zach Westerbecks podcast called you’re not alone and he said to take recovery seriously. I want to. I need to. I wanna be me again and I can feel her in there. I also really want to be with this man. So if you read this much, thank you! My message is find your reason and take recovery seriously. You are not alone.