Idk how to deal with the guilt. I know that part of recovering from ocd is to not do compulsions (mine are all mental) but how can I not do them when I feel extremely guilty for these thoughts that feel VERY real. It’s gotten to the point where I think they are real. And I’m just supposed to tell myself “oh I’m okay with the uncertainty, maybe I do like this stuff maybe I don’t??” How am I supposed to live with myself
Show yourself some self compassion! You are doing some extremely hard work, and you should stop to acknowledge that from time to time. Kimberly Quinlyn has an amazing self compassion book that is a great tool! The suddenly thinking what is they are me, or what if they are real is all still part of OCD. I think it’s called a back-door spike where it’s like, “I’m not getting your attention here, so let me try this”. It’s definitely not fun, but we do deal with it the same way. I’m sure your therapist also has some amazing tools, so I would mention it to your therapist. Start with self compassion, maybe do some mindfulness, or some ERP. You are doing hard things, so be proud of how far you’ve come and keep pushing forward! You’ve got this! ☀️
Even now, I flip-flop between "these are real" and "these aren't." But, only one is true, and it's that they aren't. They're only thoughts and are not a reflection of you. If they were real, they wouldn't cause so much distress. That's also why when you begin to overcome the anxiety surrounding them, the doubt will try to latch onto the fact that you aren't feeling anxious about the thoughts anymore, so it must be true, right? But, no. It's a trick and a trap to get you into another cycle of ruminating. You can use "maybe, maybe not," but you can also just acknowledge that they're there and then continue with what you were doing. For example, "That's a nice thought, but I'm busy right now," or simply saying, "I don't know." Other people might even lean into it, "Oh, I love that thought! Keep em' coming." It depends on what you're comfortable with. Some intrusive thoughts might be easier to lean into than others. Find what works best for you. :)
@nae nae I really really appreciate this, thank you. And I understand that it’s technically a good thing I’m bothered by the thoughts cuz that can somewhat prove they’re not true, but I sometimes feel like I’m just guilty BECAUSE they’re true. Like they can be true but I can also not want to be this way at the same time
@Anonymousssssss Are you comfortable with sharing an example of the thoughts you're dealing with? It's okay if you aren't, but I'm just curious if there's any more advice I'd be able to give you.
@nae nae Earlier my dad was laying down and I guess he looked masculine so I looked over in a way to check if I was attracted to it or if I could just look at someone laying down. It almost looked like he was hard so I purposely glanced back again to see. Idk if it was to check or just a morbid curiosity thing. And if it was, could I have liked it just because it was a sexual thing or general or because I’m attracted to my dad? But basically things like that feel very real number one because it’s something physical I’m doing that doesn’t just exist in my head and number two I might like it and idk if it’s because I’m screwed up or because my brain is reacting to something that’s just sexual in nature, or both.
@Anonymousssssss And what makes it more difficult is after the last three years of really struggling with this stuff and one of the things my brain would focus on being my dad, I’ve been able to purposely get off while thinking about him. There was a time when that NEVER would have happened but it did and idk if it was a way to combat what I was dealing with and just get it over with or what.
@Anonymousssssss I understand it can be difficult not to "check," but checking is a compulsion if you're doing it to test if you're attracted to him or not. I know it feels very real, but it's most likely the OCD, especially if it wasn't always like this. Even more so if it is something that's bothering you this much. Another thing... By purposely getting off to the thought of him, do you mean the thought popped into your head while you were doing it, or were "checking" to see if it was even possible? Did it happen once or multiple times? I'm not judging at all, by the way. I hope it doesn't come off as that. I'm just trying to understand. And, thank you for sharing all of this with me! I know how hard it can be to open up about things like this, so thank you! I meant to respond earlier, but I was busy with a party my family was hosting.
@nae nae I don’t remember entirely, i think the thought came into my head and I just allowed it to happen and it worked? But either way it was more than once so it was definitely on purpose. Idk why it worked but it did. I’m able to be around my dad normally and I love him to death so it’s just weird.
@Anonymousssssss Do you still do it? If so, try not to. Especially if it's invoking these feelings of guilt, although I know it can be difficult to keep thoughts from popping in at times. OCD is even worse when it comes to intrusive thoughts. I hope you're able to find some relief and maybe mention these things when you're in your next therapy session. Best of luck! :)
I’ve done things in the past few years that I’m not proud of - only a couple of things I can think of and they didn’t directly hurt anyone at least with is relieving (but maybe indirectly they sort of did or could’ve which makes me hate myself because why did I do that… *how* could I do that…) If I could back and stop those things from happening, I would. I may not have thought about what I was doing at the time, so I didn’t really recognize that they weren’t okay, but that doesn’t excuse them, and I would smack some sense into my past self if I were able. I feel like if anyone knew what I‘ve done, they wouldn’t want anything to do with me. They’d write me off as worthless. And maybe they should to be honest. Now yet another thing has come up - I haven’t done anything, but I had an intrusive thought pop up that made me *think* about doing something and this would be unforgivable in my opinion. Though, to be honest, the things I’ve done before are also somewhat unforgivable in my opinion… 😞 Regardless, I don’t want to do it because I don’t think it’s okay, but I worry deep down that I do. Or that I’m looking for an excuse to make it okay to do. I don’t know, it’s complicated. And I’m upset I even thought about it. I wish I had never seen the thing that triggered that intrusive thought. Yet another thing I would stop if I could. I’ve tried to not think about it or focus on it, but it doesn’t work. Even if it goes away, it just comes back again. I just keep thinking about it and it’s overwhelming. Anyway all of the guilt of this is killing me. I feel like an irredeemably terrible person and it makes me want to give up. I can’t get on with life because it’s paralyzing. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, and at this point, it feels like I don’t deserve to just move on. I can’t live with myself and I feel like I don’t deserve anything anymore. I know a lot of this is probably OCD, but I’m not sure all of it is and I don’t know what to do… if I spoke to a therapist about it, I don’t think I could bring myself to say what I’ve done or what thoughts I’ve had. But if I was told to move on by someone who didn’t know the truth, I would worry they wouldn’t really say that if they knew. Agh, it’s all just a mess 😞
I’ve been struggling with religious OCD for the past month or so (blasphemous intrusive thoughts, fear of going to hell, etc). I’m a Christian. I’ve been in ERP and I’m learning to let the thoughts just be which is hard, but I’m struggling with the overwhelming feelings of guilt about having the intrusive thoughts. I know the thoughts aren’t from me and don’t reflect my true self, but sometimes if feels like I’m bringing the thoughts on if that makes sense. Does anyone have any advice on overcoming the guilt? OCD is also telling me I’m never going to get over this and my relationship with God will never be the same. I just want to be able to praise God without all of this and it’s making me incredibly sad and lonely. Any words of encouragement are appreciated.
I have been really really struggling for the past 3 months and haven’t been able to stop intrusive thoughts/ rumination and confessing. It’s making me question my entire life, my relationship and even who I am as a person. It’s mainly effecting my relationship, I am so afraid that I did something or think things that are definitely hurtful to my partner. I know my brain is contorting my own memory and making things seem so much worse. I also know I haven’t done anything bad, all my things I’ve confessed about have been considered “normal” and I’ve been told that “you’re normal, you didn’t do anything wrong”. But I have felt this intense sense of guilt and shame and it doesn’t go away, I can’t even be a normal person anymore. And I keep searching for “just one more thing I need to tell” and I don’t want to keep searching my brain of every time I’ve said or done anything that I can distort and make seem 1000% worse. I’m isolating myself and just feel like I’m a bad person. I keep confessing my thoughts, feeling, urges, etc. to my partner and while I know I would never do any of these I feel like my ocd is trying to convince me that maybe I would because “why else would you think it or feel guilty” and that makes it so much worse. I really need guidance on how to handle this. What do I do to stop feeling like this and heal?
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