Why does it feel so real?

False attraction has been killing me ive had it for months with the same person. I have a boyfriend so having false attraction makes me feel so guilty. And lately theyve felt so real and ive been so anxious. What if I do like him bla bla. Ive only ever saw him as a brother and we have a good connection and he is one of my good friends but even sometimes when im having a conversation I feel like im cheating. Sometimes I get excited like oh yay he is gonna be here and then I get scared that it’s romantical because I get excited when he is around because he is a funny. Im so scared thats its real attraction because I love my boyfriend I would never do such a thing. And lately my minds done stuff like oh grab his attention stuff like that and it feels like I have done those actions but I dont want to. Sometimes when he is like idk sitting near Im like oh is he looking and my minds like oh do something to empress him bla bla. Recently he was going thought stuff and my boyfriend was there and I was I can give him a hug because I think he needs it but after I thought of it as bad because he is a guy and I had this false attraction what if I did it because I like him bla bla. I am freaking out idk why my mind makes me do compulsions that I have acted on like oh go talk to him and I do its weird urges that I do not want to do. I am scared that it will come true

I’m struggling badly. I did something about a month ago which I now realize was probably testing, but what scares me is I feel like I liked it, which is horrifying. What’s even worse though, is after I did it, I was able to brush it off quickly and not be too bothered by it, as I was still very anxious on other thoughts I was experiencing. Now those thoughts are meaningless and THIS is what’s causing tremendous anxiety, but the fact that I didn’t feel anxiety about it after I did it seals the deal for me. I mean, did feel anxious and guilty after I did it, but I was able to dismiss it somewhat quickly, and I remember that memory came up a couple of times within the month after I did it but like I said, it hasn’t too hard to dismiss it. I really feel like it’s denial. The fact that I wasn’t that anxious about it and tried to justify it/dismiss it HAS to mean it’s been denial all this time, there just no way this is OCD :( Right now I’m anxious about the fact that I might’ve liked it AND the fact that I wasn’t anxious about it for a while. It is really just a torment to ruminate on, and I would never do that thing again, but the fact that I did it and felt like I liked it is beyond terrifying. I feel like I have proof now, I’m trying to figure out why I did it and what it meant, and why I wasn’t super anxious the following weeks after, I mean it WAS uncomfortable to think back on, but I feel like the fact I wasn’t super anxious about it means I was in denial or repressing my true self. I am so so scared. I’ve been worried about this for the past week and a half :( (This is all centered on the same theme btw.)

I was scrolling on insta and I saw a post of a kid, I felt a sense of attraction, idk if it was false or not. I hope it was, I got worried and the kid kept popping up in my head, I kept trying to stop it because I can’t stand not doing anything and feeling attracted, I don’t wanna be attracted to kids, im fucking tired of having to deal with all of this every day. I can’t tell if it is real or false attraction, all of this is so annoying, I can’t even listen to music properly without feelings of attraction showing up. I’m not able to tell if it’s false attraction or not anymore at all, it feels way to real to know, I keep hoping that it’s all false, and I hope that I have pocd not actual pedophilia because I was never disgnosed, I was also exposed to porn at a young age, and I’m worried it causes pedophilia. Please help me with these attraction feelings I can’t tell if they’re real or not anymore. I can’t even tell if I’m distressed, panicked, disgusted, or shamed. I don’t feel any of those feelings anymore, idk why, idk how to deal with this stuff anymore, I don’t even know if I have ocd or not, I’ve only ever gotten one short diagnoses that said I have ocd but I lied on 2 questions about feeling arousal which I do, idk why, and the other about liking the thoughts, which I said I didn’t, but in reality I don’t know if I do or not. Also only certain kids trigger the attraction feeling, it makes me worried I’m a pedo because it’s only certain kids that cause it, kind of like a “type” (edited)