i just wanna die

You're not alone. I know you feel tired and beyond overwhelmed right now. OCD wants certainty—100% confirmation that what it's telling is real and the only way to live, regardless of your theme. It's exhausting trying to put that monster in your brain at ease. Your gender is not defined by OCD. You can fight back by learning to live with the maybe/maybe not mantra. Each time OCD tells you you're a boy, respond with maybe/maybe not. I'm not a therapist, but I've lived with OCD 30+ years and dealt with various themes. Each time I'm able to work through it, is when I repsond to my OCD monster with an I don't care anymore attitude. When the intrusive thoughts get to instense, hum. Hum out loud and do something that used to bring you joy. Get out of your house, spend time with people, give back to others, anything that disrupts your brain for a minute and tells your OCD monster that you don't care what it's saying. Maybe it's right, maybe it's not, but you're going to continue to live your life the way you were when you were your happiest. Sending you lots of love and light. You've got this!!!! This moment in time is not forever.