Discussion about why recovery feels fake/ forced

@issphra 🫶🏻 Thank you !! Were you able to move past this? Yeah what I mean by fake is like .. it almost makes it feel like I’m just doing whatever I want to do (values based) because I’m delaying what I really want to do. It’s super loud and nagging.

@wmorris93 It still happens, I believe it’s part of the “discomfort” we’re supposed to sit with. It lessens the less you ruminate about it my opinion. Ofc I’m still scared I’ll snap because that fraudulent feeling is so convincing at times. Maybe this will help: what you WANT is to relieve anxiety not act on your thoughts. OCD gives you this false promise that if you just do it, “get it over with,” you won’t feel anxiety anymore. That is a HUGE lie. It will only make you worse and keep you stuck in a loop with so much more guilt and anxiety. If you act on something once or even get close to, OCD will use that against you. Ex: you did it once before, you’ll do it again. Oh come on, you did it that one time, it’s so easy to just give in one more time. Or worse. I also want to mention that that feeling of being close to acting on an intrusive thought/urge is also just anxiety. It’s all an illusion meant to keep you trapped. So as much as you feel like you’re faking, it’s a little helpful in my opinion to be able to recognize the tricks OCD is trying to use against you. It helps you label that fraud feeling as anxiety and OCD rather than fakeness. However, some days are truly harder than others. Just do your best to keep it in mind. It’s really hard, I know that feeling personally. You’re not alone 🤍

@issphra 🫶🏻 This was so thoughtful and sweet. Thank you 💗 🙏🏻 I really appreciate it. Truly it feels like my life has been flipped upside down. I used to be afraid of death and now it feels like I’m just delaying the inevitable. This has been the hardest theme. It makes me feel like it’s not a fear and a secret desire ? Have you ever felt that way?

@wmorris93 I actually started with a fear of death (also harm ocd) as my first theme too. I do feel the way you’re describing. It almost feels like a repressed desire, that’s OCD too. It’s really hard, we didn’t ask for this

@issphra 🫶🏻 Yeah I just haven’t experienced it on this level lol. It’s really intense. It feels like all day I’m trying to fight off an urge to fckin off myself for no reason? And it all feels super real 🙄

@wmorris93 I don’t have suicidal OCD as much but I do have harm OCD so I can relate to you a lot. I thought I was going to stab my bf’s eye out so I kept cancelling on him when we were supposed to go out. I’ve had other thoughts, more horrible than that one but everything feels so so real. I sobbed for hours because I thought I was going to run someone over with a car on purpose… 1) My bf was driving 2) I don’t have a car 3) I haven’t driven in 3 years Irrational as hell, I know but it all felt so real. I had a huge panic attack over it because I truly believed I would run someone over soon. I feel silly looking back at it now. You’re not alone :)

@issphra 🫶🏻 I appreciate you sharing and taking the time ! It’s definitely all a lot. Definitely irrational as hell but I’m only speaking for myself lol. I legit used to be afraid of death. Dead ass would need to be on a low dose of a benzo to even board a plane bc I was so afraid of crashing 😂 so this theme is so fckin wild to me

@hellokittygirl Thank you for your kind words !! Have you been able to move past this? I don’t know what’s not clicking

@wmorris93 it’s kind of a day by day type of thing, but what gets me through it is just letting the ambiguity of it all do its thing and let myself feel uncomfortable while it lasts. it also helps to know that i’m not doing anything wrong and that part of breaking any kind of pattern is knowing there’s going to be a natural discomfort that comes with that.