Resentment

(I’m not sure if this has anything triggering but just in case—know that I bring up my OCD but not what it is specifically so I think it’s fine? ) Just really struggling right now and was wondering if anyone had any words of advice or encouragement? I’ve had OCD my entire life but it didn’t start becoming severe until I was around 14/15. It reached the point of extreme where going anywhere or socializing at all caused embarrassment because I had NO idea how to control compulsions and had no idea that’s what they were in the first place. I would also get lost in intrusive thoughts and physically couldn’t communicate. Fast forward and I was isolated throughout the years important to my development. Didn’t go to school, didn’t go to any social events, didn’t get a job (and then 2020 came along and I literally couldn’t.) and just stayed in my room letting my OCD consume me. It was really bad in 2022 and destroyed a very important relationship I had and set me back once again, it hit me extremely strong and a few months later I was once again just -stuck- these were years I was supposed to get ready for college but I couldn’t, and now this year I’m turning 20 and I have nothing to show for it. I’m still stuck and at this point I just feel like there’s no hope for me. The only job I can muster up anything for is creative writing but I feel like such a failure. I’m in such a dark place and I just can’t convince myself it’ll get better. Any words of encouragement would be nice because I just don’t know what to do.

I know this is my OCD and it can make me look like a fool. I’m have been married for 7 years to a sweet loving person who has never hurt me. My OCD is telling me he is going to leave me and I’m going to be alone. ( I have recently lost my a love one and had to step away from my family because of money inheritance ) I have recently decided that I have to shut down my business because of economy . I know my OCD is triggered by stress. Stress that I have been suppressing for the last year and I know my brain is just sticking and picking up everything. I hate waking up in the morning and feeling wave of anxiety and uncertainty that it makes it hard for the bed . This morning I had to work myself out of bed and go for a walk with my dog in the park, which helped a lot. I just keep beating myself up because I let myself get to this place. I saw all the signs and I ignored them all. I feel so foolish 🥺 I went through something like this before 2017 and I feel like I’m always going through some level or mental illness that my husband has to help me with and it is so disappointing with myself because why can’t I just have a normal brain. Why can I just have a mind simply works and I don’t have to keep manually shift it out of gears I’m scared my husband and people that I have close to me don’t you say that I’m too much just discard me. And I thought with myself to say that I’m not too much. I’m just going to human experience and that I’m a little bit more. I’m just extremely frustrated. I’m just sad that I’m back at this place again. I’m happy if not as severe as it was when I first had my OCD breakdown, but I’m still disappointed in myself. I should’ve took better care of my mental well-being. I should’ve focused more on that and focusing on other things that knew my mental.

Having a really rough night tonight. Currently I'm having a lot of contamination obsessions and compulsions with using the bathroom and when I use it I usually end up spending at least an hour and a half including all the cleaning rituals and showering afterwards and I just started seeing a new therapist to help with this. Tonight it unfortunately hit me in the middle of the night at like starting at 1 am and finishing close to 3 am. This ended up making both my mom and dad really angry with me and this is not a new situation. For context, my dad doesn't believe in mental illnesses at all and my mother is better and much more understanding, but still doesn't believe it's real to an extent. With my mom being more supportive than my dad, it leads to arguments between them a lot especially ever since they brought me home (I recently graduated college and my OCD got to the point where I was unable to have a job or function normally in taking care of myself by living alone). My mom tends to lash out at me when she gets stressed about these arguments with my dad over me because she can't talk back to him and that in turn usually causes me to spiral and get worse and so the cycle continues. This recent time my dad started yelling at me from downstairs because I was flushing the toilet too much for his liking and my mom said some hurtful things to me. I understand that it's not easy living with me especially right now and I can see why they're upset but I really am trying to get better but I can't just get better overnight and automatically be able to control all my compulsions, especially with the severity they're at right now. I'm not really sure how to navigate my family situation like this with a lack of a support network or someone in my family who believes that what I'm going through with OCD is real and it's not just me choosing to do these things. Has anyone else experienced a similar home situation and have any tips on getting through it?