ruining relationships because of my ocd

i hate ocd so deeply. just a few months ago the idea of moving in ( in the future ) with the love of my life was comforting and it kept me going. the idea of sharing our lives was everything i needed. now because of ocd it feels like a nightmare, im not excited anymore. ocd makes me doubt that im a bad lover, that i wanted to deeply hurt my lover in the past and that i forgot about it. our relationship was the most comforting thing in my life, genuinely a safe place where i could rest, i felt normal around my lover i could let go of the feeling that I'm a monster. now it's terrible, it's all ruined, i feel like we shouldn't be together, it's a genuine nightmare, and it's not because of them, i love them so much they are the most beautiful person i ever met. it's just that not knowing if i wanted to hurt them or not makes me feel like i shouldnt be around them, so insisting on being in their life makes me feel horrified. my therapist says i shouldn't break up with them because this is all ocd. my lover wants to be with me, they always tell me about how they can't wait to live together, i think they r happy and feel loved in this relationship but it doesn't change how i feel. i Just wish i could go back in time idk what to do anymore. this is what i cherished most in my life and i don't have it anymore and i don't know if ill ever get it back

(long read ahead, sorry lol) I’ve struggled with ocd for as far back as I can remember. I find that it gets worse with stress, and recently I’ve really been struggling with the contamination aspect of my ocd. I’m worried about it becoming unmanageable and negatively affecting my relationship with my partner. I’ve been living with my boyfriend since January (got kicked out of my house a week after I turned 18, it’s for the better though my house is toxic as hell) and I love living with him, but him and his family aren’t as concerned with cleaning as I am used to. My boyfriend and I have been together going on 2 years and there’s been many times throughout our relationship that his struggle with depression severely impacted his ability to keep up with cleaning his room. This is something I completely understand because I’ve struggled with it too so i’ve often helped him clean, and since i’ve moved in he’s done so much better at keeping up with cleaning (especially because he knows about my issues with clutter, mess, germs, etc.) He is really good at being accommodating towards my needs (not overly so, i’m aware that recovering includes accepting being uncomfortable), but it’s so hard for me to differentiate between what is the normal standard for cleanliness and hygiene and what’s excessive and unhealthy. I get so stressed out every single day over the thought of how dirty everything is. He has 3 cats that mainly stay in his room (he has a catio attached to his window/side of the house) and dogs which stay on the opposite side of the house and backyard, so there is fur everywhere constantly (i’m also allergic to cats but it’s not severe). I can’t stop thinking about how they are getting germs from their litter box all over everything. They also used to piss under his bed and in his closet when his room used to be a mess and it’s soaked into the floor so no matter what it stinks. It’s so hard to bring myself to walk around the house without slippers because my feet will get visibly dirty and my socks would get covered in hair. I always think about how my boyfriend sometimes walks on the rugs in the bathroom in shoes and all the germs that spreads. There’s so many more things but this is already getting long and I am shaking just thinking about how unclean everything is. I want to deep clean the entire house myself so I can get it to where It’s not like psychological torture everyday and it’s easier to maintain but I have been so busy I don’t have the time. I am worried about my boyfriend thinking I don’t like living with him or that I think that’s he’s dirty but i don’t. We have had several conversations about this and he’s reassured me that he knows none of my obsessive thoughts are personal but I still feel so bad about it. I would like to get therapy to help work through this but currently that is not an option for me. I know things will get better once I get through the main things in my life that are causing a lot of stress and therefore making my ocd flair up, but I need advice on what to do in the mean time. I keep having moments where all I can do is shake and cry and clean and I feel bad for my poor boyfriend who can only sit next to me and try to comfort me or help me clean. I also don’t want to make him worried that nothing he does is enough for me (i’ve also already talked to him about this and told him about how I can never even be clean enough for myself and that I don’t think he’s dirty). There’s been many times where I want to tell him to do things that I think might be my own unhealthy compulsions (ex. not wearing shoes in the house or in our room, not getting into bed with socks on, making sure to completely dry off before getting out the shower, put makeup and jewelry back where they belong right after using them, etc.) but i can’t tell if they’re reasonable or not and i try to not tell him unless it’s something that severely distresses me. I’m aware that everything is going to have germs no matter what and have been using NER’s to help manage my thought spirals/rumination. I know that I shouldn’t keep doing compulsions because it just offers temporary relief and makes the problem worse because nothing will ever be enough. I just feeling so overwhelmed and hopeless and exhausted and want some feedback.

Today is Easter and it was supposed to be low key for me and my family but my mom invited a family member that bothers my ocd alot and now they are on their way here and I'm freaking out I already had a panic attack (still having it) and my family is not helping either they keep making comments about how they just want one holiday with no problems and some other comments and it's like I'm sorry I'm not normal like my siblings I didn't ask to be like this now I'm just hurt, upset and I locked myself in my room for the rest of day. (And I was doing so good with erp and this is like making me have a ocd relapse)