real ocd involving pet when I was younger.

my real ocd will not leave me alone at the lowest point ever in my life. its making everything so much worse and I can't even confess or talk to anyone about it because it's so awful and disgusting. my fear is that I don't deserve to have the people who love me in my life, or if they knew what I did when I was younger (kid/early teen) they would see me differently and be disgusted. Its terrifying. Even if i was just "curious", didn't know hiw bad it actually was just that you dont do that type of thing, or was just hyper sexual, I don't know. I keep doing a compulsion thinking "if my partner or someone I know tells me they did this at that age, would I be abke to be okay with it or not judge them?" and it's can't give myself a clear answer??? which is terrifying because then obviously i don't deserve to be happy or have these people in my life. im disgusted, im dealing with so much other stuff right now that is more urgent, but this decided to sneak up again. I can't take it.

Real Events OCD

nae nae

Date posted: 31w

Hey, I just wanted to let you know that you're definitely not alone. It's probably more common than you think for things like that to occur between children and their pets. It's just not talked about openly. Have you spoken to a therapist about what happened? If they deal with childhood traumas, I'm almost positive they'll have heard similar stories. You deserve happiness and many other wonderful things in life, including the people who love you very, very much! I understand the guilt and shame or feelings that you're a horrible human being that come with real event OCD. Personally, I wouldn't see a person differently if they opened up to me about this, but that's also because I've heard similar stories and experienced or done things I regret as a child/young teen. If you need to vent, I'm here to listen and not judge. I'm so, so sorry you're dealing with all of these thoughts right now, on top of whatever else is going on. :(

stxrmads

Date posted: 31w

thank you so much. I broke earlier and I did research as a firm to reassure myself and while it didn't help in the ways I hoped, I also just need to recognize that it's not like I've never repeated those actions while knowing better/understanding the consequences beyond it just being something sexual and that the fact that I feel so bad shows that I'm not a bad person. The problem is that after a while, this repeated reassurance becomes a compulsion and im just desperate to feel like I'm not and imposter and that I wouldn't be hated by those who love me right now. I feel like they don't "truly know me" because of this mistake. and again, I keep trying to imagine how i would feel if my partner told me they did this or if I knew a family member did this how I would feel, and I have no clarity or mixed feelings and it makes me worried that I'm also not worthy of unconditional love in that way. I compulsively compare my mistakes to others to see if they can be loved if it means I can be as well. I'm also worried I keep trying to find reasons to justify those actions and that just feels wrong. I want to open up to therapist about this when I have one, but im terrified of judgement and sabotage by them (for example what if they make me feel worse for it, confirm my fears, ect.) it doesn't help that I can't remember my exact age when it first happened and possibly happened again. It feels confusing and scary. The worst part is that this came along at the worst time (during a break with my partner for extremely serious reasons that I also need to begin therapy for to assess if the relationship can continue and to worm through other trauma.) it's all so terribly timed and relentlessly taking over my mind. But that it what ocd does best.

stxrmads

Date posted: 31w

also the youngest i could have been woukd be 11 years old, and i don't know if that is young enough to excuse that stuff and if it happened when I was older. its scary to think about.

stxrmads

Date posted: 31w

also i read that children who have had psb (problematic sexual behaviors) are children first, and can learn to respect themselves and be perfectly fine mater in life, which makes me feel better and less alone. I just wish this okay feeling would last when I kmow it will come back and target feelings of worthlessness or feeling undeserving of life or happiness.

nae nae

Date posted: 31w

@stxrmads I relate so much with everything you said above🥹 I wish I could give you a big hug. I'm so sorry you're going through all of this when you're also trying to work through other things. It sounds very overwhelming. I understand how terrifying it can be to open up to a therapist or anyone for that matter, and I also understand the fear of them possibly saying something that'll feed into the fears, thoughts, etc... but this also isn't something you need to manage alone. Having a professional to help guide and work through all of this with you would probably be very helpful. I'd been afraid to open up to my psychiatrist for the same reason, but she quietly listened and waited for me to finish telling my story. When I was done, she thanked me for trusting her enough to open up about those things, and she said I hadn't done anything wrong, which other people had assured me of as well, but it still doesn't completely eliminate the guilt and shame. Those things will likely take more time and healing. :( 11 years old is still very young. Even if it happened again at a later age, it's normal to make mistakes, especially when we're children or teens. Even young adults will do things they regret. What's important is that you learn from them, which it's obvious you have. You aren't that little kid anymore. I'm still struggling to forgive myself for the things I did as a child, which were more than likely related to the grooming I experienced back then, but I believe it's possible. For the both of us. You are worthy of good things in this life.

stxrmads

Date posted: 31w

@nae nae i appreciate you so much for responding so kindly and understanding. thank you so much, you responses genuinely feel like a warm hug 🫂

nae nae

Date posted: 31w

@stxrmads Of course! I hope you'll experience some relief from these thoughts soon. 🥹🤍

emma345

Date posted: 31w

I understand you so well. My event is about an animal too, even though the animal wasn't harmed, I still can't let it go because of how disgusting and awful it is in my head. Like this memory brings me physical disgust for the event and for myself. I feel like nobody would like me if they knew what I did and that I'm a monster. So you are not alone on this one unfortunately

Parker_b

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 24w

Sexual Real event ocd.

Getting eaten alive by thoughts right now, when I was a child me and other kids around my age would experiment and do things we shouldn’t have, I’m talking very young, like 3-5 as I got older I was for whatever reason always curious to a horrible extent and it lead me to do in appropriate things to kids around me, I was 7-8 at the time. I would say it happened 3 times in total in my childhood. And i eventually told my parents the last time it happened because even though I didn’t know it at the time. I had ocd. And I knew it was bad. That was when it all started. I feel absolutely disgusted with my 7 year old self and it comes up every once in a while especially when I hear anything about sexual abuse. I’m nearly 20 now and I enjoy my life for the most part and I’ve been down the ocd path before but I feel unforgivable. And I never want to tell anyone about it, but my ocd seems to want that. I have a beautiful girlfriend that had some traumatic things happen to her and I love her with my soul. I don’t ever want that to come up. Because that’s not who I am. When will I be able to forgive myself? If at all I hope I’m not alone.

Real Events OCD

emma345

Date posted: 20w

Scared to interact with my cat because of zocd

NSFW 17f So basically I did something sexual to the cat when I was younger. It wasn't like full on bestiality, my privates weren't touching the cat and I wasn't touching the cats privates but it was still sexual. I didn't know what I was doing was wrong. It didn't harm the cat in any way, but of course it's still horrible. So I developed real event ocd that ruined my life complitely. Most of the time I don't think I will male it to 20. Sometimes it's a living hell. I developed it more than a year ago and I barely even remember this year cause I was so consumed with guilt it was the only thing in my head. So i also developed zoophilia ocd because of it. And I feel so bad cause I can't interact with my cat anymore. Because she wants to and I have to ignore her. Slowly I started to be scared to let her on my bed. So I stopped. Then in my room. Stopped doing that too. I still tried to give her some attention just outside of my room. Then I got scared to touch her. So I stopped doing that, but I used her brush to pet her with it and her toys to play with her so i don't physically touch her. Then my ocd went like but what if you are subconsciously using her for sexual gratification when you look at her? So now I can't even look at my cat. I look away when she is around, block my sight with a hand, close my eyes or if I can I leave. But the heartbreaking part is. Before I remembered what I did I was giving my cat a lot of attention. Like everyone says I'm her favorite and she only allows me to hold her and pet her the certain ways. So for all that time she is desperately trying to get my attention. She jumps on my rooms door, meows for a long time, tries to sneak in my room and stuff like that. And It's so sad I just have to ignore her. Especially cause she doesn't understands why. She was getting so much love and then randomly she is being ignored?? idk her real age cause we took her from the street, but she lives with us for 13 years, so she is not young. She is pretty healthy so I don't think she is going to die any soon but still. if I never get over it she will spend her last years of life ignored. and this makes me want to cry and want to throw up. but I don't know what to do. if I touch her I start freaking out and convincing myself that I used her somehow for sexual stuff even if I didn't do anything like that. I'm so scared. and also sad for her. and I miss my cat tbh. like everhtime I have to close my door when she tried to enter I feel so bad. but I'm so scared. because after what I did to her I'm already a monster. I don't want to add anything else. but I also feel bad for ignoring her.

emma345

Date posted: 18w

Reocd but actually did something bad

17f I have a lot of events, but my main and my worst one which is absolutely fucking diabolical was done when I was 14 and repeated when I was 16. Everytime I post something about real event ocd here people are like you are probably didn't do anything that bad, and when they hear what I did they are like yeah that's bad. Someone even asked me if I'm autistic cause "it's crazy how you didn't realize that the thing ypu were doing was wrong at this age." And I kinda agree, like it's fucked up It's just that my event is bad. Doesn't mean I don't have real event ocd. You can have a reocd over the event that was bad, it doesn't mean the event wasn't that bad or you don't have recod. It's just people always expect it to be something innocent and it's not Even a healthy person would feel guilty over it, it's just that I had ocd my whole life and it's making the guilt absolutely destructive, like to the point when I sometimes have a hard time breathing when I think about it, I lost more than a year of life to it, almost checked myself out couple of times if I wasn't so scared of pain/failure, the event haunts me in my dreams, it's in my head 24/7 and I will never able to forgive myself. That ocd. But the event itself was bad. So maybe i deserve it.

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real ocd involving pet when I was younger.

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