what do i do- help please :(

@Someone99 i would agree to disagree to me love is a sacrifice and a feeling. to me love is putting the other person first and feeling happiness and joy out of the fact that as a result they are happy. but not happy for them, happy for yourself - because the other person just makes you so incredibly happy. but that could just be me. many times i’ve gotten love and obsession mixed up. you could say i grew up a little too fast lol. i have two exes. both i dated for about 2 years , i thought i loved both of them-and to this day i still think i did in a way , but that turned into obsesssion, a craving for attention, and a fear of disappointing the person- even when they constantly disappointed me. so i think love is both a feeling and an action. as for your other question, my parents didn’t really react to me being gay, because they don’t know. i’ve never told them. my parents are really strict. they always have been. no social media, really no getting out, rules on what i can do. things like that. my parents are also really religious- and also immigrants. because of this they grew up with the idea that being gay is a sin, so i’m sure that if i told them they’d basically disown me. because it would bring shame upon our family. their good people it’s just the way they grew up, i can’t blame them i love them. take it as a lesson for yourself as a parent- strict parents raise sneaky kids lol. i don’t think i ever will tell them. maybe one day they’ll find out- but for their sake i hope not. my freshman year of highschool they ended up uncovering a lot about me. drinking, smoking, sneaking people in and out, sex, and the biggest thing was that at the time i had a boyfriend who happened to be black. -after finding out all of this as a reaction they freaked out and pulled me out of school ( there was only about 3 weeks left until the end of the year) and kept me in the house the whole summer. no electronics. no people, no friends no boyfriend, no contact with anyone or anything. and they also put me under heavy monitoring ( no using the bathroom alone, no using a knife in the kitchen alone, no going out or having anyone come inside) basically i spent a whole summer in my room alone ( oh and they also took all the decorations out of my room!) this is when i ended up going on fluoxetine because i was obviously really sad and unstable. what ended up happening with the guy is she made us break up, paid him to move with his dad who lives in a diferent state, but he ended up moving back into town a year later. this whole time we stayed in contact but after that whole summer of no talking. he started treating me like shit. really like shit. but i couldn’t leave him and i obviously couldn’t tell my mom he was putting me through hell. long story short one day HE texts my mom and tells her we still talk- she loses her shit all over again but i keep on talking to the guy (dumb ik) we just lost contact about 7 months ago kind of got off topic- but yeah. i don’t think i’ll ever tell them. they react to things pretty harshly, im hoping once i move out and go to college i’ll get more freedom.

@Someone99 goodmorning :) thank you so much for listening to me. i’m glad you have such an open and loving relationship with your kids. you don’t know how much that really effects a kid growing up. i always wished that my parents were more of a friend to me- like you are to your boys. you can always think of me in a daughter type of way. i’m sorry you never got one. your kindness shows through the things that you write me. i’m very grateful for you. don’t worry i didn’t take what you said about my parents as an attack. i hear that a lot lol. everyone at school sort of has an idea of what their like at this point- teachers, my friends, so i hear a lot of disagreements about how they choose to handle me. my parents immigrated from india. but i’m indian and persian. my parents are on the older side so that’s probably also what contributed to the way they are, both are in their late-ish 50’s. i respect both of them a lot. even though sometimes it doesn’t show through to them. my mom puts a lot of emphasis on school- so we don’t really talk about anything else. me and my dad also don’t really talk- just about my basic needs, things like how i slept or do i need anything from the store things like that. but i do have a dog who i love for and care very much. sadly because of my ocd it’s made me a little distanced from him too. not being able to pet him because he’s “dirty” when i know he’s not :(. i don’t think i’ve given the poor boy a proper pet or hug in months. i feel really bad about it. but i do love him. what is your family like?

@Someone99 thank you for the advice. it truely is so hard when you desire more of another person who can’t reciprocate the same amount of care and love. i’m sorry you know that feeling too. trying to move on from someone you truely don’t want to move on from is so hard- not knowing if you should even move on. i will try paying more attention to me. health and healing are important, thank you for reminding me. the whole reason i’m on this app is because i have severe contamination ocd. the textbook hand washing for long periods of times and extra long shower-it may not sound that bad but trust me it is truely exhausting. ever since this person left my ocd has gotten worse :( times are just rough sometimes yk? i just miss her. i’m fairly young so i try to tell myself i’ll be over it soon but it doesn’t seem like that sometimes. anyways thank you again for listening/ talking to/with me.

@Someone99 hi! thank you your words mean something to me- i mean that really. thanks for being willing to listen. an update is that today has been a crazy day. i’m 18 and my parents just said they want me out of their house because my ocd is causing wrecks in the family. and it hurts everyone else. it really upset me hearing that they don’t want me anymore . me and my mom ended up patching up but the whole situation hurt my feelings alot. she is scared that i will go back into substance use like i did when i was 14- which is another time she disowned me . idk man it just braught me back and upset me. another update is the girl initially made this post about reached out and we’re talking now. she mentioned that she wanted to be friends . i said absolutely NOT. i’m scared i’ll be stuck being her friend forver but i don’t want to be her friend at all. but i also don’t want to go back to no contact. i don’t know how to ask her what she wants and why she’s contacting me. i tried to ask what her plan was with me and she said nothing. idk tdy has just been a crazy day

@Someone99 hi! the advice you gave me about seeking reassurance is something i really needed to hear! i feel like it’s so difficult to be uncertain with things in your life- but truth is most things you won’t know for certain and your right i need to accept that rather than look for reassurance. as for the situation with my parents it had calmed down a bit. i’m still upset but they are acting like it didn’t happen. today i had a small win. i spent one time that i washed my hands today for less them than i normally do. even though it was only once the whole day i still consider it a small win. as for my situation with the girl. we spent all night talking. and i still really like her. im scared to go back to school and talk to her in person on monday because i know her friends will have a lot of negative things to say about me. and they’ll be quick to tell me about her talking to other people in the time we weren’t talking. and i really don’t want any of that to hurt me. she mentioned maybe 4-5 times yesterday just being friends and i said no every time. i feel it’s impossible to just be her friend because i don’t see her that way at all. i see her a partner . and you can have a friend in a partner but not a partner in someone who is just a friend. last night she fell asleep after talking all night. and i haven’t heard from her since. the last text from her was at about 2 am and at the time i’m typing this it’s 7 pm. i just wanna hear from her. but i also know she has a basketball game today at 4 and she likes to sleep in late especially because i kept her up last night on her phone. but yeah i’m still waiting to hear from her. i hope things go back to normal . i told her i missed her and she ignored it so i told her say it back as a joke kind of thing bc that’s what we used to say when we were tg. and she said “not yet” “be patient” so that too. i am just really unsure of everything but i hope it all works out. what about you ? we’ve talked a lot about me but you haven’t shared much about you. is there anything you want to talk about?

@Someone99 i do think we’re on the same time zone! it’s also almost 10 when i’m reading this! it’s a small world. if you don’t mind me asking how did ocd ruin your marriage? and what is real event and relationship ocd? i’m not very familiar with those types. trust me i understand about feeling like a misfit. i’m also here to talk if you’d ever like to. i think s.o. are challenging as is- not to mention if your dealing with ocd. i see you have the ocd conquerer title with your name. how long did that take you? i’ll let you know on monday how seeing my girl is! life is a journey indeed :)

@Someone99 another update: it’s been almost 24 hours and i still haven’t heard from her :(

@Someone99 hi! goodmorning! i live in IL, so we’re definitely in the same time zone. i had no idea that real events ocd was a thing, wow that sounds so draining. i’m sorry that happened to you in your past relationship. you aren’t a bad person i just want you to know that i think that hearing your story. porn addiction is a heavy enough issue and throwing ocd on top of it sounds like such a difficult thing to deal with. you are so strong for even wanting to get better. some people are stuck in those pits for their whole life. relationship ocd is also something i never knew anything about, i also plan out interactions and such but i never knew it could be something that relates to ocd. i know ocd is one thing as a whole and takes on different themes contamination and symmetry being my two big ones, but i never considered my responses in a relationship could also seep into my ocd. i relate to the panicking when one small bump happens in a relationship. but i’ve always been like that. i really do understand why you would feel that way. small things can seem so big when your scared of losing somebody. but we deserve to feel safe and secure no matter what in a relationship. on that last part, yes i am okay just a little down and disappointed. she conversation ended friday night with her falling asleep with no warning (we were texting) and i still haven’t heard from her since. it’s going on 36 hours now. i know she has nothing she has to do on sundays pretty much so i hope i hear from her before school on monday. i just really wish i knew what she was thinking or her intentions. i don’t want to allow her to have access to me in a friendly way because then knowing me i’ll give her all the girlfriend perks with no title. (the attention, compliments, etc… with none of the loyalty being reciprocated back from her) i haven’t texted her either since that night. so it’s been no contact both ways since friday night. do i text her? i want to know where her heads at before i bump into her tmr, bc if i talk to her irl her friends will make a big deal of it- and i also don’t know if she wants me to talk to her irl. and if i don’t talk to her irl i’d feel like i’m ignoring the fact we finally broke no contact after 2 months. i said something along the lines of “if i talk to you when i see you will your friends start giggling at me” in our conversation on friday, and she said “ummmmmmm” and brushed it off. i’m just unsure. that’s kinda a lot to read sorry!

@Someone99 that is such and awful and confusing thing to happen. i’m so sorry that happened to you. i don’t think your in the wrong at all. it must have been hard losing your job for something you didn’t do. some people are assholes. this girl had no reason to treat you as such. some people just want to have the power to make things happen in someone else’s life. she should be ashamed. you seem like a good man at heart. i also would have been flipping out to the guy at h.r. lol. if your getting fired already what harm is making a scene.🤷‍♀️

@Someone99 your welcome! it’s my pleasure! and thank you also for your kind words. they mean a lot. i would also like to consider you a friend. i haven’t opened up to anyone about my situation, so you listening to me really means/meant a lot to me. i would like for you to be comfortable sharing with me to, i love to listen and help. my names gianna. hi mike :). correct, me and this girl do not share a friend group we only have one friend in common and she sways more towards the girls way than mine. she is a in class sort or friend to me. but the girl reached out to me through the friend. another update- i still haven’t heard from my girl. last time i heard was about 2 am friday night and now it’s about 8 pm sunday night :( i sent the last text friday night and still no response. but i’m fighting the urge to text her again, don’t want to overplay my part. your right my love is a gift. we need to earn eachothers love back not just throw it at eachother loosely. i’m still confused or weather or not i address her at school tommarow. like i said i don’t want to ignore her because it would feel like i’m ignoring the fact we broke no contact, and i also don’t want to walk up to her and start a full conversation if she can’t even text me back. maybe i avoid her? i know i’ll inevitably bump into her tomorrow. it’s just what will i do when i do. i would just say hi and leave it at that, but knowing her she won’t hear me. ughhhhhhh things would be so much easier if she just texted me back. anyways yes! it is cold in IL this time of year, but not much snow at all. i haven’t had a single snow day this year- i was looking forward to doing school online on a snow day lol. maybe soon? what about you? how are you? any updates on anything? anything on your mind? how are your kids?

@Someone99 thank you! and no worries! NJ training, wow must be intense! keep me updated on that. i’ll also try to stay logged in more. You be strong too. it must be discouraging having no spark when your wife when your bound together by children. sounds difficult. not to mention the pressure of everyone wanting you to get back together. having to co exist for the sake of the children while also learning to detach emotionally is a difficult thing to navigate. try to stay strong. stay focused. do what’s best for you. keeps the kids happy enough. they don’t understand. try to establish a self care routine to make sure your tending to your own needs and not dwelling on what’s not there anymore. wanting connection is a normal human instinct. you will find it one day i promise. and rememeber you can stay connected to others in other ways other than a S.O. friends family hobbies and such. anyone who hates you for the divorce is wrong. you are doing it for the better future of yourself and your wife- also to give the kids the chance to live a life where they do not need to adapt to a relationship that doesn’t show love and growth. i’m seeing this as i’m just settling into school. i have a long 7 hours ahead of me. i bumped into the girls friends but not her. they giggled at me. their always laughing at me. it makes me so uncomfortable. but at the same time i like the attention because it means that in a way i’m still connected to her. does that make sense? they notice me and they notice our old relationship as a result- so they giggle. but at the same time i don’t want to watch where i walk and where i look all the time. i haven’t seen my girl at all today. i will in the next few minutes- we always walk past eachother after this class. i don’t think i’ll say anything, just keep walking. i haven’t had a text back yet also- last one was still friday night / and i don’t want to double text and overplay my part. i’ll keep you updated, i’m planning on talking to one of my close teacher friends about it later. have a good day!

@Someone99 of course & no problem! everyone needs kind words sometimes. your situation is a difficult one, your a good man for being civil about it. my day was pretty rough. what about you? earlier in the morning they her friends giggled at me, and later in the day they did it again with my girl present. i even heard them say my name a few times, just teasing her about me. it just makes me upset because i feel like my name isn’t some kind of joke. i liked her. i really liked her- and i still do. after the third or fourth time i heard my name being tossed around today i gave in and texted her. she never ended up texting me back from friday night but i double texted. i asked if her friends were giggling at me and she said yes; i asked why and she said idk their just kidding, i said “oh okay” and she liked the message and it ended there. it just kind of hurt me because i thought she missed me. but if you miss someone you don’t ignore them. man i just want her back to how she was before- she was so nice and now it seems like she could care less. at this point if she didn’t miss me she should have just left me alone; not texted me friday just to leave me alone again. i think it’s a very cruel thing to do when you know someone still likes you. thank you for the good vibes though, i’ll send the same your way while your in training! 💚

@Someone99 i hope so, i would rather have it figured out sooner than later. we talked for about 6 months. and i met her about a year ago and shot my shot then. took her almost a full year to come around- but eventually she came around on her own. Yes, i have no problem talking about my contamination ocd. my contamination ocd splits into 3-4 parts the biggest thing is the hand washing ; i spend 10-30 minutes washing my hands after using the bathroom and atleast 25-40 in the shower washing my hands (scrub under nails, thumb, upper palm area, wrist) but only after washing my intimate areas, i don’t know if this is weird to talk about with you because you are a man but i feel like you would understand the feelings of shame around those parts because you mentioned trouble with porn- so i hope in a way you understand. i was braught up very strictly with no instruction really of how to care for myself which i think might have also led to contamination ocd problems. another thing was my sexual experiences with men in the past have made me feel “dirty” because of the way i was braught up and when my mom found out about it she verbalized in a way that i think stuck in my brain. which is maybe why i am so hyper fixated on cleaning those areas. another part of my contamination ocd is contaminated objects. i can’t touch door handles or light switches or basically anything like that- another big thing is the backs of the sink handles because that’s the part you touch to turn on the sink with your dirty hands so for example if i was to wash my face id turn on the sink wash my hands for like two minutes then wash my face. it’s really tiring. i wake up at 4 am every day to make time for extensive ocd routine. i don’t need to be at school until 7:30. without ocd it would shave off a full hour or more of my routine. i first noticed signs of ocd my sophomore year of high school but it manifested in a different way. for example if i was to wear shorts to school i’d come home and drown my legs in hand sanitizer before i could get into my bed or change because i take morning showers so it wasn’t like i would hop in the shower or straight into bed. by my junior year of highschool it turned into what it is now- it peaked around may to july of 2024. i’m trying to make it go down even more but i’ve been stuck at one pace for about 4-5 months with little to no improvement. another little thing with ocd that i have is numbers and symmetry. i always feel the need for things tobe done symmetrically (ex rub lotion on both sides of my face the same amount) and this also includes counting like certain actions have certain counts (ex when washing hands the last step is to rub hands together horizontally for ten seconds then vertically for 10). i’ve never tried erp. i don’t really know what it is exactly- or how to do it by myself. it’s like i know i’m doing too much but it’s the thought of “ if j know i can feel this clean why would i want to feel any other way, because this way i KNOW i’m clean instead of just think” that’s the thought that holds me back the most - even though it’s at the cost of my time and health of my skin, my hands prune very easily and get so dry and bruised so fast- my skin peels it’s awful. contamination ocd is a hard one because it’s draining physically and mentally. standing there washing your hands for so long gets so hot and uncomfortable not to mention your so anxious you feel like your about to pee your pants lol. let me know if you know anything about erp that i can do for myself- i’m looking for baby steps. seeing a therapist or calling one is out of the question because i live with my parents and get little to no privacy. i’m looking for more of a plan.

@Someone99 hi! sorry i didn’t reply sooner! i have finals this week- all of tmr and thursday. friday i had some but i did them early. thank god. i’m interested in erp and your discriptuon only intrigued me more. now that you mention it my ocd “attacks” do really feel a lot like danger. but i’m never scared? it’s a hard thing to navigate. i’m unsure how to fix it or even help it. i will say i have noticed for this week i have been washing my hands the same amount but feeling less anxiety while doing it. the anxiety is still the same in the shower though. i’m looking to get on medication soon. i really want to fix it before i head off to a different school and have to live in a dorm- possibly with community bathrooms. god it sounds scary! have you ever trekked any medication? anyways how was your day today? NJ day 2? i should be replying faster now because my one hard final is tomorrow morning. after that everything should go smooth.

@Someone99 hi!!! i just woke up from a long nap. my finals went well today. i passed all of them, 2 of them with a 100, the other one i got B but ended up with an A in the class. and it’s an ap class so i get a gpa boost :), i have 3 more tmr and then i should be done!! i’ve talked to a physicist who recommended i get on lexapro, i haven’t started yet but i’m interested. not yet commited. before my ocd developed/ worsened and was manageable i was on fluoxetine and hydroxyzine and on and off of seraquil. i just quit all medication about a year and a half ago which is when the ocd worsened. but that wasn’t even on my mind at the time because i was on it for anxiety and depression. which got better which is why i quit. i’m glad training went well yesterday!! how was it today? i sometimes take therapy appointments with my old therapist. thing is the hospital/ clinic she used to work at got shut down because of budget cuts. all the patients were just left with no one to talk to and no one to prescribe medication , it was really hard for a lot of people. it breaks my heart that when money gets low mental health is the first thing to get disregarded. although i have a therapist she doesn’t know about my ocd, my mom mentioned it to her bug i brushed it off because i wasn’t ready to talk about it. i want to bring it up to her soon but i feel badly for lying about it before . i only see her about once a month too so i feel like when i do see her that’s not what i want to talk about. anyways- update me on your day, anything new?

@Someone99 same here it’s also friday for me! today was my last day of finals, i have friday and monday off too :) i finished the semester off with all A’s and a 4.2 gpa!! don’t worry about not responding quickly, take your time. i hope work was good today. let me know how it was. how’s your wife? kids? in college i’m planning on majoring in biology and being on the pre med track. i plan to go to medical school after college and ultimately become a doctor of some sort- they usally match you to the best type of doctor they think you’d be. but if it were up to me i would be a dermatologist or neurologist. my mom is a neurologist too. so im also thinking about minoring in neuroscience in college. i also enjoy your friendship very much. thank you for taking the time out of your day to write me back the last few days💚 thinks have been the same with me and my girl (and her friends)me and my girl still haven’t talked at all, last conversation was still friday night and it’s been basically no contact since for no reason. still i’m confused because on friday she said she texted me because she missed me? you would think that would mean she wanted to start talking again huh? anyways we’re still no contact :( i still really miss her and hope every day that when i check my phone i’ll see a text from her. oh well. not much i can do. except wait. her friends have still been giggling at me- but less. i haven’t heard them say my name since the one day i told you about -now they just kinda look at me and smile at eachother. maybe they’ll start giggling again once finals are over you never know. all i know is that i hate walking past my girl and not being able to talk to her or even look at her really. on a happier note i had a big win today with my ocd! kind of an odd story but during my finals we are not allowed to use the bathroom without and escort and i really had to pee. so i did and i got escorted. the pressure of knowing someone was waiting for me overthrew the anxiety i feel when i wash my hands i think i only spent 2-3 minutes washing them instead of the normal 7-15 minutes. :) it felt so good to get it done and over with so fast. my hands didn’t prune or get dry or anything! i felt normal for the first time in a long time. anyways it’s a small win that i just wanted to share.

@Someone99 hi again! i forgot to mention before. you know how i asked you about lexapro a while ago? i have a psychiatrist appointment tomorrow- and when i was on the phone with her the other day that is what she recommended. has there been any side effects to you personally that i should know about? if you’d try to come off of it was there any withdrawal symptoms? my appointment is at 4, i’ll let you know how it goes. has the anxiety along with your compulsions went down? i’m honestly looking to resolve my ocd as soon as possible- but i feel like if i move to fast the solution will be temporary or i will freak out and actually regress.

@Someone99 no worries! everyone has busy days. i’m scared of a little weight again . when i was in fluxitine i was convinced that was the reason i was gaining weight only to get off it and realize it was actually because i had stopped smoking. the lowered libido was also something i felt with the fluoxetine so i hope lexapro doesn’t do the same. my appointment went well. i talked to her for an hour or so. i don’t think she fully got the extent of how bad it was but atleast i talked about it. we decided to start the lexapro. just with 10 mg. and up to maybe 40-50, how much do you take? we also possibly talked about therapy. i have a therapist actually who i see once a month or so but i haven’t told her about mg ocd. my mom has tried to but i brushed it off, i’m not sure if i’ve already told you that. anyways i should be starting the lexapro tmr or the day after. she said i could possibly see results in 2-4 weeks so i’m excited there’s a possibility of getting better soon. how long did it take for it to work on you?

@Someone99 just the sound of that is so crazy to me. i’ve been trying to cut it down little by little. sometimes it works sometimes it doesn’t. my big thing is (kinda tmi) but i get so anxious/ scared that i almost/ feel like i’m gonna pee my pants then obviously the cycle repeats again bc i’d have to wash my hands again

@Someone99 i’ll look at that test in a little bit, i took it yesterday actually and i did the whole thing just for it to say i had to pay to see my results- i almost threw my phone i was so pissed off 😂😂

@Someone99 that’s some heavy stuff. wow i’m glad you survived all of that. your one strong person. i’m sorry you went through all of that, that is a crazy story. i was told i can see results w the lexapro as early as 2-6 weeks so i’m hoping for the best. thank you for being there for me while i go through these changes. i’ll let you know how it goes. guess what. my girl texted me. she said “ok i give up, i miss you” !!!! and we talked a little and she ended up falling asleep bc she had a basketball game today, god i’m so happy. i feel like there’s a chance we can be back to normal this time. to add on top of that. while we were talking i had to use the bathroom and since i was in such a rush to text her back i only took a minute to wash my hands! it’s been a good night. i’m so happy. i’m celebrating with a brownie right now lol. i’ll update you more on everything later. and i’ll also take that personality quiz tomorrow too!

@Someone99 hi! i took that quiz. i got a ENFJ (protagonist). your right, this thing is scary accurate. it’s like their in my brain. how has your day been? back to work monday or do you have off? update on me/ me and my girl. we’ve been talking basically all of today. i think she’s back. your right she mentioned that she’s been going through some stuff while we weren’t talking. i think that’s maybe what took her so long to contact me- that and the fact that she’s plain stubborn lol. but yea! she’s been great for the most part, reciprocating the same energy and all of that. she even mentioned that she was so sick without me and that she’s happy that i’m back. i’m a little nervous about tuesday when we go back to school. i know it’s gonna be a little crazy when her friends find out we’re talking again, plus she just has so many of them. kind of scary because i forgot that she’s on the more well known side of school while i most of the time just stay by myself or with the same few people. i’ll make sure i lyk how it goes when tuesday comes. but i’ve been happy, i noticed that after we started talking again my ocd has went down. i think simply because i don’t want to waste my time on it because i’d rather be talking to her. like i could spend 20 minutes washing my hands or i could spend 5-10 and go talk to her. but the fact that ik she’s there has been helping me a lot, you know? she doesn’t specifically know about my ocd but she’s a positive influence anyways. i would consider today a good day. i feel like it’s been forever since ive had a day like this. i hope everything stays this positive :)

@Someone99 hi another small check in. my girl just went to bed so i just now had time to tell you more. the reason we stopped talking was mostly because she couldn’t give me the attention i wanted and it was unfair to both of us bc she had the pressure and i was getting insecure so she decided to end it, because she had things like basketball, school and work. + friends and family now she kinda decided to make time for me, she said she’s talking a break from work until the basketball season is over so that nothing gets overwhelming. i’m also starting to see signs of her being clingy again which i love. we were just talking before she went to sleep and she mentioned that a lot of her friends don’t like me? keep in mind most of them are younger than me, but some are my age. but because if this i don’t really know them. but she said there’s been multiple people saying i gave them a bad/ dirty look at school when i never did, in reality i’m just blind lol. i can’t see!!! i don’t really know how to go about this because it’s like i’m getting all the negative energy for no reason from people that i don’t even really know. it’s like how are you not going to like me and talk badly about me but i don’t even know you? and then on top of that give my girl reasons to not talk to me? i don’t know i’m just getting a really bad vibe off of the company she is around but it’s not my place for me to say don’t talk to them or say that her friends are bad people who are just trying to start drama or be messy.

@Someone99 what is your side business? i’m glad everything has been going well. how is the snow? i’m happy to hear you and your wife are connecting on some level (ps, i love mediterranean food) are you guys going to give it another try? i know it seems like toxic is bad but you can also think of it like you guys aren’t scared to show true colors because you know you’ll be there for eachother regardless. i’ll reply to the other message here too. today me and my girl talked again all day too, but there was some small problems. she told me that she doesn’t want to be seen tg at school or in public until next week. i asked why and she said she had business to handle so i expressed that to me it’s sounding like she has to tell someone that they can’t talk anymore. (like she was talking to someone else and she has to end it) and she didn’t deny it she actually said yes that’s what it is. which really upset me, because in the time we weren’t talking i didn’t talk to anyone else because i didn’t want her to get disgusted by me and never want to talk to me again. i don’t know it just really upsets me, and it upsets me even more that she wants to hide me even if it’s for just a week, especially because we’re spending all day talking and texting eachother. she’s even gotten back into saying the cute little -love you, and miss you’s. i don’t know it just really upset me, hearing it made me cry and be so mad i tensed up. your probably right i shouldn’t let her dictate my whole mood, but i don’t know how to help it. she’s just such a big part of my life- even though i know she’s not my whole life. i just want to throw something thinking of all the things she was doing without me knowing. what makes it even worse is that the reason we stopped talking was because she said she didn’t have time for me, but she had time to talk to other people? i feel like it’s one thing to move on and see other people but it’s another to rub it in your partners face. me personally i avoid talking about my past relationships/ partners with her because i don’t want her to be jelous or upset so i don’t understand why she’s so comfortable doing it with me when she knows it will make me more upset than jelous. anyways i’ve sort of moved past it because i don’t want to argue with her- but i feel like she’ll intentionally say things to make me jelous. any advice on what to do? i think i’ll just comply and just ignore her at school for the rest of the week, i mean what’s 3 more days of acting like strangers :( anyways, tell me how your day goes tomorrow. i know it’s late so i hope you sleep well and have a good day! i enjoy talking to you a lot. you really are like a pen pal. thank you for listening to me. i’m glad i get to know a little more about you every day.

@Someone99 i’m glad! and no problem! thank you, sometimes i forget i’m so young too lol. feels like i’m much older at heart. how was your day? any updates on the wife/kids? tomorrow school got cancelled because it’s too cold, and wednesday i have off so this week should be a pretty light week for me- also considering i just switched classes because of the semester change. it should still be hard avoiding my girl at school when we’re talking all the time. - any insight on that? i’m not sure if you read my whole situation in my last message, i know it was pretty long- i was pretty upset. i also started the lexapro today, i started off with 5mg which i’ll keep up for the next 6 days- then i can up to 10 for a while and eventually work my way up if needed. i’ll let you know how everything goes. i’m glad i heard from you today- i always look forward to hearing from you!

@Someone99 hi! sorry i’ve been replying slow. i’ve had a lot on my mind. No school today it was too cold but i had e-learning. great way to start the new semester lol. it’s so cold here, like -20. i hope you and the family are staying warm where you are, because i know it’s cold here. how was your day? all readjusted? thank you for the kind words. it and you mean a lot to me. your a very sensible caring person. i hope you know that. you make me feel listened to, and i hope i do the same for you. That’s hard to come by so i’m glad to be your pen pal/friend. today was rough, i know this is sort of venting but this is how my day went. you remember how i mentioned about my girl wanting to keep me secret for the rest of the week? turns out when i brought it up again today she said she might need longer than the 5 days until next week. i’m really upset and disappointed. i told her that the 5 days was already a compromise for me because i hate being a secret. i feel like you should want to be proud of your partner. i also feel like- for her to end things with me last time , she did it over text, it was all over in about 5 minutes. but with whoever she’s talking to now- she needs 5 days ? maybe more? i just feel so stupid. i feel like she should have ended things with this other girl before she decided to text me saying she misses me friday night. that would have been the right thing to do for me, her , and this other girl. but instead i’m a sort of embarissing secret, and this other girl is going to be pained as an idiot or trusting her. i just feel like i should feel special, and not insecure. i also forgot that my girl is the type to say things just to make me jealous and that’s become a real problem for me, because i believe that making sure your partner feels secure is so important. i think that reassurance is something that should be valued and not asked for , although i have not asked for it i feel like i’m owed it because of what she’s making me do. it’s just little things that she does to make me jelous, mentions things she did while we were apart, mentions who else wants her, mention that this other girl is the reason we can’t be seen together. i don’t know, it just makes me feel sick. anyways. i hope you had a good day today. tell me how it went if your still awake. thank you for giving me a safe space to share. i don’t really have many friends my age to talk to- none the less any friends who would have anything positive or valuable to say. thank you, really. and i hope i hear from you soon :)

@Someone99 hi! i’m still up too. i’m sure the PSA thing is nothing, but i hope it turns out well anyways. wow you work so late. i would be so tired lol. atleast it’s slow so there isn’t much to get done. i think your just as confused as i am about my girl. i think we both read too much into things. it’s just hard not to. it’s confusing it’s like i feel like i’m special to her and i genuinely feel it, but at the same time why is she not being clear? people are so confusing. i have a similar story from the 7th grade too lol. i also had a low self esteem and was sure this was the guy i wanted to spend forever with. dumb, but we can help it! i guess we’re just hard lovers. i also agree that guarding your heart is important, and i try to, it’s just that when i love someone i tend to open myself fully to them, and love them regardless of any flaws. you are a gift too, remember that. is there anything on your mind you want to talk about? i haven’t heard much, i can’t tell if it’s just been slow with you or if it’s you just letting me talk because you know i need someone to listen. i’m on day 2 of the lexapro, i still see no difference which is to be expected. i spent a shorter amount of time in the shower which i’m happy about, but about an hour ago i came close to a panic attack while i was washing my hands- it’s just so overwhelming sometimes, the thoughts, the what if’s. i have a therapist who i see once a month usally, i haven’t told her about my girl or my ocd. i’m hoping to bring either thing up in my next session which will probably be next week, ocd really is a curse. but it braught me to this app which helped me make a new friend- that i would consider a blessing 💚

@Someone99 i’ll still be awake don’t worry. i’m glad that working like that works out well for you. i would say there was no definite time i knew i liked girls, no definitive moment where i knew. just small things. the first time i considered it was my freshman year, there was this girl i was friends with and i found out that she used to have a crush on me- i thought i was straight at the time but for some reason when she got a boyfriend i was jealous. fast forward to 3 years later it’s my junior year. i meet my girl, the one i talk about now. at first i said i liked her as a joke- i didn’t even really want to talk to her. but the minute i got her number and started to talk to her i just knew. not that i knew that i was gay, just that i liked her, she was perfect to me, in a more pure way than i’ve ever thought about a guy. i’ve dated guys in the past. and with them i’ve always used my looks/ body as a way to get their attention (bad i know) but with her it was the looks that drew us in, but the bond that made us talk. the thought of everything just made me happy. i would say sexuality is a spectrum. for a lot of people the fact that they might like the same sex doesn’t even cross their mind simply because they’ve never really considered it- i know i didn’t until i met my girl. but still for some reason when someone asks or i fill out forms and such i go to mark that i’m straight- i think that labels just scare some people and i’m one of them lol. anyways- i wouldn’t say there’s a specific aha moment. more of a “wait do i like this person?” “i really like this person” then be faced with a whole lot of denial and guilt “what am i thinking i don’t like girls” stuff like that- but fact of the matter is labels can be scary, and sexuality is something that’s hard to navigate. i mean just look at me! only tells a handful of people about my girl, and goes to mark herself as straight - but at the same time is clearly obsessed with this girl! life is crazy. don’t take it too seriously. if you want you can tell me more about the encounter with this guy and i can give my input. let you know what i think, if not that’s fine too no pressure. just think. if it was strictly lustful- did i feel emotionally connected in any way? or was there just a “spark”. you don’t need to imagine a future with someone to want them for more than their body. you can also just want to know them as a person more- in a more than friendly way.

@Someone99 wow that is really a crazy story!!! to me it sounds like harmless fun with more of an underlying attraction. but then again i’m not you. like i said i wouldn’t put a label on it. but if a label brings you some type of comfort of closure i’d ask yourself- why did i stop? was it that i needed that to be done, or did i need it done with him? weird that that wasn’t a bad experience but losing your virginity to this girl wasn’t a great one. good things are where you least expect it huh? i can see how the generational gap may have suppressed your idea of expanding on sexuality. my biggest piece of advice is donr shame or doubt yourself. your feelings are valid. even your lustful ones. i watched girl on girl porn even when i thought i was straight, maybe it could be a similar case to you watching gay porn. maybe it was never a punishment at all? maybe it was a way to live out what you wanted without the shame being in place because it was technically a “punishment”- but it was still a way to enjoy and indulge in the idea.

@Someone99 i’m glad you know what you want, and aren’t afraid to say it. that’s a big thing, and i’m happy you feel comfortable sharing with me, thank you. and don’t i know it, men really are assholes!! it’s not surprising that you never chased a romantic attraction to a man. i truely believe the best connections come when you least expect it, the best thing often come unplanned. instead of chasing connection- do what you can to attract it. i wouldn’t plan out where or how to meet the perfect guy- but trust in the future that what is meant to happen will happen. things happen in funny almost ironic ways sometimes- the guy you end up with could be someone you know now. or it could be a women. no way of knowing definitely. i do feel very blessed to have found a girl that makes me happy, more than that she makes she selfless. my girls name is kamaria. :)

@Someone99 goodmorning! in my opinion i don’t think your attraction to men is ocd, but that’s my opinion. i grew up in a house where being gay was a sin , similar to how in your age being gay was almost looked down upon. i think that being around those types of thoughts make us hide what we feel and conceal it with other thoughts- don’t even think of the word “gay” if it confuses you - simply say your attracted to men (sexually emotionally: it doesn’t really matter!) your just you- what you would label yourself is no one else’s business, and no is making you pick a label at all! as for your wife i do agree that she is a important connection. if you want to connect with her more emotionally maybe i can help. i’ve always been one for emotional connections, sexual attraction doesn’t really come to me without being open and comfortable without a person. if you wanted to reconnect the easiest and simpliest way i would say, would be to just talk to her. one night before you go to sleep, or whenever you guys have a private moment , start with a simple how’s your day been? or how are you feeling? then say something like, “you know i really love you” just so you can start off being vulnerable then talk about how you want to connect more and brainstorm ways that you can connect more together, remember it isn’t JUST your job- it’s hers too. can i ask her name? let me know how your day goes, i’ll let you know how mine goes too. still no school today, but tomorrow. i think i’ll avoid kamaria at school until the end of the week. but she might have to switch into one of my classes, the worst, most unattractive one-gym. ughhhh. i’ll let you know, i hope i hear from you- and from her today. :)

@Someone99 that must be hard for you, being attracted to men but in a marriage with a closed minded women. i don’t know much about your wife, but i do know a lot about women. i know that women tend to turn “ prudish” if they don’t feel open emotionally. so i would say continue trying to communicate with her. also just to give you perspective, i completely understand wanting to invite a guy into the picture- but to your wife she might see it as i’m not good enough for him. does she know you like guys? another part of perspective as a women is that the whole shaving or waxing thing to us - makes us feel very unsexy or exposed, i get that is an intimate moment. but for me atleast when i’m in the shower shaving it’s hot and uncomfortable and it can hurt. that could be part of why she reacted how she did. her saying that you could be a pedofile isnt nice. she shouldn’t have said that. and don’t let you ocd make you see that as a possibility. i’m glad your days been good so far. what is the shop in your garage for? cars? my days been pretty good too. i haven’t done much. my girl texted me goodmorning but i haven’t heard from her much since then. last time i did was at about 2 after she had left me on read. she said she’s at basketball practice and will text me when shes home. and then about an hour ago ( i was in the shower) but i read it 20 minutes ago she sent me a voice message of her with her friend- her friend saying that she missed me with kamaria lol. atleast one of them likes me. still a little scared about school tomorrow- but i think i’ll just avoid kamaria. if i see her maybe give her a little look with the eyes but not say anything.

@Someone99 hi! i just got home from school :) -don’t worry i don’t see any of your comments as creepy. feel free to share or say whatever you want. i will say i have a thing with the L word- i don’t really say it to anyone. also a disclaimer. wow that’s a lot of siblings. must have been a busy house growing up. i have one sister and with only one we still argued over the bathroom, i can’t imagine any more than that. i’m sorry to hear about your brother, i’m sure one day you’ll tell me that story. i’m sorry you kind of had to raise yourself. i had similar substance use issues in my earlier years of highschool and middle school. i was also a mess lol. but i’m glad you have your sister to rely on. and you can also rely on me to listen when needed. your idea of what i look like is on the right path. yes to the dark hair, but not brown, black, and it is long. i do have a darker complexion but it’s more tan than dark. people always say i look mexican lol. i think it’s just the way that i do my makeup and hair. i always have my eyelashes done and makeup up because that’s just what i like :) that along with the fact that i always keep my hair straightened i guess just makes me look more hispanic than Asian, but i’m always quick to correct someone lol. and don’t worry about your hair turning gray- it’s only a sign of wisdom lol. how old are you may i ask? my day today was okay. it was my first day of second semester. my last semester of highschool. i hadn’t heard from kamaria since yesterday when she said she was at practice and said she’d text me when she’s home- she never did. but eventually during the end of the day at school she texted me. she asked to go on a walk, so we walked and talked for a little. nothing significant really that we talked about but i’m still happy she wanted to see me. also btw her friends didn’t say anything to me today. i think it was maybe because everyone was busy with schedule changes and stuff. anyways. my school started using this new thing today called smartpass for hall passes, which i hate. it’s basically where you have 5 minutes on a timer to use the bathroom and all hall monitors and deans can see who’s supposed to be in the halls and where. as you write your hall pass you need to select what bathroom your going to and if your seen anywhere else you’ll get in trouble- and if there’s too many people in there it’s at its “capacity” and you need to wait til someone comes back. basically their keeping a tally of who’s where and when, and i hate it. not only that but timing us? that’s crazy. this means that i won’t be able to go on short walks with kamaria during class. which sucks because i don’t see her much outside of school and we don’t have any classes together. plus i just feel watched. this new pass thing doesn’t really effect kamaria because she said she doesn’t like it so she just won’t use it lol. but me, i’m one to fallow rules. maybe i’ll just go on the walks anyways, i mean what the hell there’s only 4 more months of school. another thing with this new pass thing is that it really doesn’t help my ocd at all. my bathroom breaks are 10 minutes ATLEAST, that’s just how long it takes me i can’t help it. there’s a 5 minute timer that counts down and i just know i’ll be over that timer every time. i mean my walks with kamaria are also 10 minutes, it’s not like 10 minutes is that long, seeing as my classes are an hour and a half. i don’t know i just really don’t like this new policy it’s putting a. lot of stress on my ocd. i think i’ll go to my counselor tomorrow to try to get something figured out because i cannot deal with this 5 minute timer. today was the first day the policy was is use and i had asked my teacher to use the bathroom right as lunch ended, class hadn’t even started. so i go use the bathroom and a dean is coming in there saying that she sees that no one has a pass to be in that bathroom and that i should be in class & that i need to hurry up. i panic and finish up quickly because she says she’s standing outside til i’m done and i’m almost in a full panic. she apologizes because she’s never seen me skipping class or messing around in the bathroom because. i don’t know the whole thing just really unsettled me. i just feel very watched. like i have no privacy at all. i also forget to mention that if you go over the limit all the deans and hall ministers get a notification to look out for you. and you can get written up for being in the wrong place. also if you go over the time limit too many times you can end up on the no pass list. meaning you can’t leave your classroom at all for any reason without a dean escort. i definitely think i’ll talk to my counselor tomorrow, because i know this will bring me trouble. but it will be hard because i have a hard time admitting to my ocd. let alone talking about it with someone i don’t really know. do i mention this new policy to my mom? my dean might ask to speak to her. but i don’t want my mom to think i’m vaping at school, which is the reason a lot of people spend long periods of time in the bathroom. i also don’t want her to think ocd is overthrowing my life. anyways, how was your day? hope i hear back from you soon.

@Someone99 hi, i know i’m happy we got the chance to walk and talk a little too. but i haven’t heard from her since. that was around 1. i’m trying to let her text me first but i’m scared she won’t :( it’s not like i didn’t text her, i did she just never answered. i’m pretty upset. i miss her. the hall pass rules really are crazy now. i have an appointment set with my counselor to talk about it tomorrow. im going to try to handle it by myself, but if they need a doctors note my parents may need to be involved. maybe i won’t even mention the situation to them and just ask to talk to my psychiatrist. and she can send the note over. but i really hope just me talking to her is enough, i really don’t want parents involved. ouch, accident deleting all your work. i know you had to have been mad. glad your day has been okay through. yes, i do have a few foods my parents make that i love. cooking is actually my moms love language so i love food. my favorite ethnic food is probably biryani, it’s a rice dish with either seasoned vegetables or meats layer between the rice and slow cooked with lots of different spices and saffron water. topped with fried onions and mint leaves. sounds strange but it’s really the best. another food i love is panner tikka masala or malai kofta. both with a side of garlic naan. you can look both of those dishes up. their both meatless and delicious. i’ve actually been vegetarian since birth. have never even had a piece of chicken in my life lol. you should definitely go to europe it’s a beautiful place. i mentioned my moms a doctor so growing up and now even she has conferences around the world. so we all go on vacation together. we’ve been to places in the states like california, florida, and nevada, and also out of the country; mexico, italy, france, london, spain (they’ve been even more playes without me lol) our last trip we went to milan italy, and we saw duomo di milano, it’s a cathedral. really it was so beautiful. you should look it up. thank you for telling me about your family. and happy late birthday! my parents are just around the same age :)

@Anonymousss7 any ideas on how to get around this hall pass thing without involving my parents?

@Someone99 my plan is to talk to the school alone first but more than likely they’ll ask for a doctors note. there’s really no way i can get into contact with my psychiatrist without my parents knowing.

@Someone99 i wish it was that simple, but really i don’t know what to do. or how to make them believe me. i’m just in a bad mood all over. i miss kamaria. me and her have barely talked in 2 days. we only talked that once today nothing before nothing after. i just really miss her. i feel like i have no appetite when me and her don’t talk :( but i don’t want to come off as desperate and give her so much attention that she gets bored

@Someone99 i hope it all makes sense soon. i ended up watching her basketball game live at home. i saw that she fell so i texted her asking how her game was ( even though she never answered my last text from hour ago) she answered back all mad after her game was over but apologized for being mean to me. i asked her if she was okay because she tripped and all she cared about was how i knew 😂 i admitted that i was watching her play because i missed her. i texted her that like an hour ago she still hasn’t answered. i really hope i hear more from her tomorrow. really really hope. i also help things go well with my counselor and that i hopefully don’t need to get parents involved. for now i’m probably going to go to sleep and hope that tomorrow is a better day. i think you mentioned that you were a religious or just faithful man, so say a prayer for me. i really need everything to go well tomorrow. i’m long overdue for a really good day. goodnight, and let me know how your day goes tomorrow, and i’ll update you on mine 😴

@Someone99 thank you for praying for me. it worked. i talked to my counselor and she extended my time on the pass to 15 minutes. she said she’ll talk to my teachers too. she didn’t even ask for a note. thank god. i still haven’t heard from kamaria :( , we’re about to have passing period so i think i’ll walk past her and look at her. i don’t know why she’s suddenly so distant. she’s always on her phone at school.

@Someone99 hi, how’s your day been? i just got home from school. the whole pass thing just officially got worked out. i’m very happy about that. my counselor said she’ll tell staff and teachers not to bother me in the halls, but she said she won’t tell them the reason why to maintain my privacy. which i’m grateful for. still no word from kamaria :( i texted her last night around 8 and she read it at about 9 this morning but never replied. it’s like if i don’t text first there’s never any conversation. and not even text first once. but twice. it’s just so many mixed signals. i deserve to feel secure in the person i’m talking to. and i also deserve clear signals. but i love her. but at the same time she’s making me feel upset and unimportant. she can’t love me and go a whole day without talking to me. i just want it to go back to how it was before. i know you can relate to that feeling.

@Someone99 no i haven’t heard from her still. it’s been almost a full day. we haven’t a full conversation in like 3 days. and the only time we’ve talked was on that walk yesterday. nothing before or after. as for the not eating thing i’m not sure if it’s because i’m sad or because of the lexapro. they mentioned it could be a side effect. i don’t know, i just get really sad when she starts detaching. women really are a pain lol. as one i can say i’m a pain too but in a different way. i hope your appointment went well though!

@Someone99 i also gained 40 pounds but that was a combination of a other medication and quitting smoking. that was about 3 years ago. i was like 130 pounds back then lol. now i’m 170ish. i’m 5’4. i would say my weight is spread out pretty well though, i don’t feel or look fat or anything lol. i’m pretty confident in my looks most of the time. for music i like exactly what you’d expect from someone my age, i listen to a lot of rap and r&b. if you like that kind of thing i can talk more about that. i’ll keep you updated on my situation too.

@Someone99 no it’s okay, i’ll tell you about her. she’s more masculine presenting while i’m very obviously feminine. she has darker skin, with a little bit of a baby face. she colors her hair alot. she has dreads. right now their reddish. she’s a little taller than me, about 5’6. she’s really sassy and funny when she wants to be but she also has a really bad attitude and temper, that pretty much only comes through when she’s doing something competitive. she has brown eyes. she never really looks at me though. she used to say that she was scared to look because i was too pretty, she is the sweetest sometimes. i don’t know, a few people have said i’m too good for her and a few people have said i’m not good enough for her it goes both ways. but to me she’s so pretty. not even pretty just attractive, she’s such a magnetic person. it’s nothing she does she’s pretty quiet but loud around her friends it’s just the way she carries herself with confidence.she’s just such a nice person to be around.

@Someone99 i’m not beating myself up or anything i just wish it was different. i know it’s nothing i did because all i do is try my hardest. i put in so much effort to talk to her and she doesn’t care. i know it’s not my fault, i just wonder what it is she wants that i can’t give her. and what she’s thinking right now. she wants me too, i can feel it. or else we would have lost contact by now. it’s just like a punch in the stomach when you’re thinking about someone so much. i know your tired so if you fall asleep then goodnight, and thank you for listening. sometimes i really just need someone to listen. my friends don’t really take me talking about her seriously.

@Someone99 hi sorry, i’ve been asleep all day. still no word from kamaria.

@Someone99 hi, i’m still here and awake. i’ll probably go to sleep soon though. i’m sorry i didn’t say much today. i’ve just been really tired and upset. i hope tomorrow is better. thank you for praying for me. still no word from her. it’s been 4 basically 5-6 days. i’ve been really tired today i don’t know why. how have you been? tomorrow might be busy for me. my dads leaving to do something, leaving me, my mom and my dog. my dog is a full time job really, he’s hard to care for. needs to be handfed/ indoor potty trained. plus he’s just loud lol. it’s hard for me to take care of him because of my ocd, so it’s basically my moms full job when my dads gone, which i feel bad about. but at the same time i can’t do much. i have a pretty significant amount of homework to get done tomorrow too. did i ever tell you this semester i took up being a TA (teacher assistant) for an anatomy and physiology class? my first day of that was yesterday. Anatomy used to be my favorite class. most of the time i can just use it as a study hall so i might just save my homework to do in there. other than that i also am just planning on doing a sunday reset. just use the time to do self care and prepare for the week. it’s going to be my first full week of school since early december- we’ve had a lot of snow days, random days off, and days i just didn’t go lol. anyways other than that i switched one of my classes when i met with my counselor yesterday. i’ll have that class monday. i can’t see who’s in that class so im hoping i’ll find someone to sit with. anways that’s about it. oh and i started prom dress shopping online today.

@Anonymousss7 update- still nothing from her, i don’t think i’m going to school tomorrow either. i upped my dose of lexapro yesterday and it didn’t make me feel good. i’ll stuck with it for the long run but for now i feel bad. no appetite, muscle soreness, sweating, and my stomach hurts. plus i got no homework done. i feel like the lexapro has made my anxiety worse. they said that’s to be expected for a few days. i’m just a mess today lol.

@Someone99 yes i’m feeling better today. my stomach is better it’s just the smaller things now. like my muscles hurting and sweating when i’m asleep. i don’t react to most medications well. i just have a lot of homework to catch up on today. still no word from kamaria either. ugh. how about you? how have you been?

@Someone99 i also hope it’s what’s best for me, but i just miss her yk. i hope you feel better too. i’m basically all better now and have to go to school tomorrow. ugh.

@Someone99 i also feel better today. how was your day? no word from kamaria still. guess what. she is in my gym class. but we have different locker rooms and teachers plus take a different type of gym so hopefully i won’t see her. anyways yeah no word from her still. my friend dates her cousin actually and they just broke up, so everything is just messy now.

@Someone99 aw thank you! goodmorning! not much has changed, still no word from kamaria either. but i’m glad your day yesterday was okay.

@Someone99 hey i’m sorry my mind has been crazy lately. i’m sorry i’ve been so absent. the truth about kamaria is that she’s always sort of played hot and cold with me. back when we were talking before i did most of the talking and she just replied but at times she was the most loving person ever. talking to her you could just tell that she was used to having someone else carry the conversation. i would say that i was a bit infatuated with her, but i mean i like her, i think that’s to be expected. i never made how much i really like her overwhelming or over bearing i always thought to give her just enough space while still giving her love and attention. i think she’s done with me again, or atleast has moved on. if it’s permanent, i don’t know but i do know that she shows no interest in me now at all. i haven’t heard from her in a week now. just today she posted on her instagram about wanting someone new to talk to, it was something like “bae like this post, i won’t tell no body” basically saying if someone wants to talk to her then to like the post and she’ll text them. more than that i looked at one of her social media platforms and she’s been posting about liking some girl. who the girl is, i don’t know. but i do know all these posts were from the last 5 days. days we haven’t been talking. on top of that she also posted a picture of a girls nails today. i’m not even surprised, just upset. i don’t know why i let myself like her. she treated me good for a time, but she never treated me special. she would always do or say things to make me jelous , i questioned her loyalty a lot too, just because of the things she does or says. school has been fine though. her friends have been leaving me alone. which i’m also taking as a bad thing because it just feels like she’s dying out on me slowly. just forgetting about me. but other than that school has been fine. i switched one of my classes and it’s kind of hard to keep up but i’m gonna keep trying. other than that yeah, that’s how it’s been going for me.

@Someone99 thank you for saying that. trust me i know social media is hard. especially when she’s on it so much. and i don’t even have it downloaded. i do keep an eye on her though other people’s accounts though. i just don’t know what to do, if i should move on. i still like her. i think i’ll always like her a little. it’s been that way with my other exes too, a part of me still likes them/ thinks about them in a way, even after years. i just wonder if i could’ve made it work out. what was the problem? why didn’t she want us to work out as bad as i did? i feel like i did everything i could to make it work out. i’m just embarrassed and sad. for some reason even through all of this i want her back. i say that if she texts me again i’ll deny her, but i don’t think i can. she’s still perfect to me. it’s just hard. i know in a way it’s for the best because i’m graduating soon anywyas and i’m most cases people part ways after that but it doesn’t make it any easier. i still like her. and i still miss her. and i still want her back, and i hate to see her with other people. or just acting single at all, but fact of the matter she is. and that makes me upset. i don’t know exactly what i feel. i don’t even feel that upset. because i expect it from her in a way. i’m not surprised at all. just disappointed really. because i thought she really liked me a lot. and for some reason i still think that.

@Someone99 that is good advice. i don’t really know what to do still. i don’t even know if i want to talk about it. i can’t even tell if i’m upset. i just feel nothing about it at all. i just think about her. all the time. it’s not like thinking about her makes me sad or upset or happy. i just think about her. like it’s the first thing i think about when i get up. she melted my heart in a sort of way your coworker did for you. your right i do need to seek someone or something that is willing to love me back. i ran into her today. like almost physically ran into…. lol. her crossed paths in a hallway and she moved out of the way for me. wasn’t awkward or anything because it happened so fast but that was the closest i’ve physically been to her in a minute, and my heart dropped. other than that my day was okay. school was fine i’ve had a chill day. i’ve been really tired though. i’m on about day 10 with my medication too. i think it might be helping a little or maybe it’s just me. my hands have been so dry lately after my long showers but after washing them their fine now, i’ve cut down my average time by like 3-5 minutes. which i’m happy about. but there’s good and bad days. my grandma is coming home tomorrow. she was in india with my grandpa. he’s staying there. i’m not sure why. he hasn’t been home in like a year. but i miss my grandma. but at the same time i feel bad because i don’t call her, i haven’t talked to her once since she left. she’s been gone for about 6 months. i just feel bad that i don’t feel more towards her because she’s family and a good woman. i’ve just never felt a strong sense of connection with family really. family is just family to me. sort of an obligation. but the love is there. i just don’t know why i don’t feel it. she loves me very much though. she braught me back some things. have you ever had jackfruit? that’s my favorite “fruit” but in my culture we batter it and pan fry it to turn it into a savory dish because the jackfruit in india is more meaty/savory while the jackfruit in america is sweet. actually i’m not even sure if it’s in my culture or just a family recipie lol. but it’s good. i hope you’ve been okay. i’ve been meaning to talk to you more. i’ve just been so out of touch. i miss having people to talk to. my friends have become more distant to me as well. some of them graduated mid year just about two weeks ago. plus since my closest friend is going through a breakup she’s been doing her own thing. i’ll try talking to you more. write me when you can :)

@Someone99 the fruit your talking about could be jackfruit! it’s usally more green to yellow ish but i have seen more red ones. that’s really cool about your son going to israel. i would like to go one day too. i’ve been a few places outside of the US. i’m grateful to have traveled the world so young. i also really enjoy trying foods from around the world so i appreciated the food even more lol. but i’m happy your son got back safe. and wish him safe travels in the next few days. thank you for keeping it open to talk about kamaria if i want to. i can never tell if i want to talk about her or not. part of me wants to not talk about her so that i can forget about her and move on, while part of me does want to talk about her so that i don’t forget about her- because i love her. or maybe even just process my feelings by talking. either way thank you for listening. i don’t have very many plans for today. my grandma should be home in just a few minutes. i just have a few things to catch up on for homework. what about you, how are you? any plans?

@Someone99 let me know when you ask your brother about the jackfruit! i eat the jackfruit unripe so that it’s less sweet, but since you said it tasted like candy i bet you ate it when it was fully grown. either way it’s delicious. another thing it could have been was a durian. i’m sorry your ocd has been in overdrive. mines been pretty bad today too. i feel like it always gets worse on the weekends because i have too much free time. plus so much to do self care wise to prepare for the week (shave, wash hair, do nails, type of things) sunny weather must be nice. it’s been raining here. it’s such a blessing to still have parents/ your kid’s grandparents around. i’m sorry to hear about your dads passing. i never got to meet my grandparents on my moms side. so i really do think that spending time with family is important, and i hope you all have fun at the show. let me know how it goes.

@Someone99 my time with my grandma was good! we didn’t do much because she’s jet lagged. it’s a 18 hour straight flight lol. i’m all refreshed and ready for tomorrow. hair washed. nails done. eyebrows done. shaved. and packed up for school. all i have left to do is lay out clothes for the week and do my eyelashes. have i ever told you i cut hair too? i’ve never done men’s haircuts but i know lots of girls haircuts. i do nails too. i just don’t really do them on myself because my ocd won’t let me keep them on lol. but my day today has been good. i woke up early so now i’m ahead of schedule. i’m just planning on chilling in bed for the rest of the day. what about you?

@Someone99 hi sorry i didn’t get to you yesterday, i had a lot of homework. and just went right to bed after. i’m happy the show went well. my grandma stays for 6 months then goes for 6 months, she either goes to canada or india with my uncles i’m pretty sure that she needs to be in the US for atleast 6 months out of the year to keep her citizenship or something like that. but she lives with us. my day yesterday was pretty good. nothing eventful. no run ins. i actually only saw kamaria once. i guess i stopped taking the path i usally take to see her. other than that pretty boring day. i’m just really tired and sleepy. it’s 4 am rn lol. how was your day yesterday? any plans for today?

@Someone99 it his hard moving on from kamaria. i’m not even sure if i want to. i see her talking to girls at school all the time. at the point i don’t even want to see her at all. which is maybe why i’m avoiding her. i’m not sure if i’m sleeping enough i usally sleep at 10:30-11:30 ish and wake up at 4 for school. when i get back from school i’ll take a one to two hour nap most days. the lexapro made me really sleepy at first but i think i adjusted. i think it’s working though, the lexapro. i’m still doing all the same things but i find myself thinking differently. before the intrusive thought was that i needed to wash/ clean again because it wasn’t done right the first time, now that the 15 minute hand wash is my standard/ normal the intrusive thought is “what if i just stop now?” - even though to my brain i’m not done. i haven’t acted on this yet. but i have cut out 2 steps out of my hand washing routine to cut it down to 7-15 minute hand washing periods instead of 10-25. i also hope i have a good time with my grandma. yes i do know multiple languages. english, hindi, urdu, and punjabi. i also took 3 years of german in school and spanish from kindergarten to freshman year. but i didn’t retain much spanish. english is the only language i mainly talk. but i understand all of my native languages-like if someone talks to me in that language i’ll know what their saying but respond in english. if i have to i will talk back in my language though. i just don’t speak it, i don’t really know why that’s just how i grew up. i guess because that’s what my sister does and i learned from her a lot of things. she’s 7 years older. but i did speak my languages when i was little but i stopped. but spanish is a good language to learn, i hope you get that down lol. and i’m glad your ocd has calmed down over the past few days. we’re also expecting snow this week. it’s been cold but not terrible. how was work today? anything new with you? today i did a bunch of homework. my ap literature teacher gave us this timed writing assignment and put in the wrong time- so we had to do 50 minutes worth of work in 30. on top of that a reading and 20ish written questions. oh well. i got it done. i’m just getting ready to go to bed now. goodnight!! and sweet dreams!! hope you had a good day today 💚

@Someone99 thank you. that’s crazy i never though of myself as interesting like that: i think i’m pretty boring actually lol. but yes you make sense. for the hand washing thing. guess what? today in the shower i cut 15 minutes of my 30 minute hand washing routine and cut out another step. my shower today was only 45 minutes compared to the normal hour !! :) i took the advice a little bit. i didn’t go for a minute, longer than that: but my routine has two steps and i shortened the first step and did the second one fast. which made me finish faster. crazy thing is i’m not even scared of germs because i’m scared of getting sick. i don’t really know why. just scared of being dirty i guess. i’m glad your mom loved the show. i’m sure it was a great experience for both of you. it would make me happy knowing i made someone day like that. everyone likes getting out a little. you got this! you can get the job done early! i believe in you :) its hard to feel like you fit in, no matter the location or age. no one has to have it all figured out by a certain age, it’s all about just trying your best and not getting in your head. i’m sure everyone loves you. as for your other question about school. my school has about 2000 people but only 1500 are in person. my graduating class had about 300-350ish. we don’t live anywhere near a big city. chicago is a full 2 hours away, and the closest “bigger” town is about 45 minutes away. my town has about 25k people. but we have all the essentials plus some. the boys at school are a mess. i don’t really talk to many. i have 3-4 guy friends, we talk sometimes like when we bump into eachothers but not much outside of school. my school is a mess too. we used to have lots of fights but it’s cut down a lot this year. some people always always have something to argue about; but i do admit the fights are funny to watch. we keep a cop on campus now lol. believe it or not the guys at school don’t really bother me. they don’t really hit on me either. last time i was hit on was last year. even then only 2 or 3 times in the whole year. this year not at all. except for this random guy saying something like “hey beautiful “ to me in the halls. other than that nothing really. partially because everyone knew i was talking to kamaria other part of it is because the guys at school are very “if you don’t bother me i won’t bother you” but the biggest reason is that i don’t have social media. a lot of guys just hit on someone by liking their post or their story, their scared to talk to someone in person unless they know their already interested. i know that because freshman year i was on all social medias and that’s the only time the guys at school would approach me frequently. that’s how i met my ex bf actually. other than that most of the guys at my school are a mess. or just don’t show up to school at all lol.

@Someone99 i agree social media is really hard. girls gossip enough without it, with it it’s crazy. i don’t even have social media and somehow i know everything that happens anyways. i like the size of my school though. i used to go to a much smaller private catholic school. i hated it. it was super strict. similar stories like the one you just told me about the girl and the rumor happen at school all the time with the underclassman, at our age i feel like we’re all just too tired for that lol. i’ve been getting out of the house more though. today after school my dad was out of town and my mom was at work so my friend got to take me home. we got food and talked for a little it was nice. it was the first time i’ve been out since the last time she got to drop me off at home. my mom isn’t feeling too well so a different friend is coming to pick me up for school in the morning. we’re planning on getting food and coffee together before class since we have class together anyways. i’m excited: i love spending time with my friends since it doesn’t happen much often. other than that today was pretty boring. kamaria posted on her instagram today. a video of her and some girl in the basketball locker room captioned “my girl” i don’t know if it was in a friend was or a girlfriend way. either way i’m trying not to care. i have a bunch of homework to do tomorrow anyways. i could have done it tonight but i decided to just turn in early.

@Someone99 i’m glad your enjoying your job, it sounds fun. my dad isn’t the one who really restricts anything, it’s mostly my mom. my dad is way more laid back. my mom kind of takes on the role of a mom and of a dad. while my dad is more of the emotional support. my dad stays at home and takes care of us and is the more affectionate one and my moms the military type. strict and likes things a certain way. there’s really no getting through to her. i stopped asking her to go out about a year or so ago. only times i’ve been out really are prom and homecoming and when friends give me rides to and from school which isn’t often. i find my way to see friends though lol. still not very often. she’s way stricter with me than she was my sister.

@Someone99 my week was okay. i missed kamaria a lot today. i bumped into her more than usual at school. saw her talking to some girl too. her and some girl were all over eachother then someone yelled gianna’s coming and they disassembled. i don’t know just miss her extra today. but the week was okay, pretty busy with homework and stuff. tomorrow my mom leaves for two weeks. she’s going to india for my cousins wedding. i haven’t decided anything for college yet. i’ve applied a few places but really have no idea where to go. i’m glad you’ve had a good month so far and i hope your scan comes back okay. a profitable month is a big achievement you should be proud. there is lots of talk about the superbowl here too but i don’t keep up much with sports i usally just watch the halftime lol.

@Someone99 yeah it was a mean thing to say :( i still miss her a lot today, i think it’s worse because my hormones are all over the place plus the medicine change. i almost texted her yesterday too. but i didn’t. i’m glad the guy on the phone could help you. helped you save a few bucks lol. i’m sure you’ll get everything figured out and done on time. you got this!! i’ll probably feel more emotional freedom with her gone but i’ll still be in the house just as much as if she were here. i don’t want to put my dad in the position where he has to choose between me and my mom. she just left around one and is taking off right now! i just got off the phone with her. my dads on his way back from dropping her off right now, and he’s bringing me food which i’m excited about. i’m very tired. being a girl is hard lol. anything new with you today? today i rested most of the day, helped my mom before she left, and took a shower. not much else. i might start my english project later. i miss my friends a lot too this weekend.

@Someone99 ouch. make sure that your getting enough rest. there’s a difference between working hard and overworking. but i understand the pressure of wanting things to get done and get done right. i’m sure tuesday will be a busy day for you. have fun at the party! and let me know how it is. we had a little snow earlier, nothing crazy. my dad just got home and i ate. do you go out often? i’m still prom dress shopping. haven’t found anything good. it’s hard to find dresses online that you can return. especially when their that expensive. i was thinking maybe red or dark blue. something with a slit.

@Someone99 that sounds like a nice trip. i’ve never visited any of those places outside the states. sounds fun. i’m long overdue for a vacation. maybe after i graduate. i know some of my friends are going to florida after graduation. also good to know your party went well, i always used to enjoy get togethers with friends. i was thinking the same thing about my prom dress. especially because my skin gets darker in the hotter months. i think i linked you to some dresses i liked before. but i still haven’t baught anything. i hope i have a dress by the end of march. prom is the first saturday of may. i was thinking gold accents too. i usally wear gold jewelry. i’m probably going to go to sleep soon. i’m tired and i still miss kamaria. goodnight!!

@Someone99 hii!! i’ll try the links again. i’m doing homework now. i have a project due tomorrow. i’ve been putting it off. a guy i used to talk to messaged me today. we used to talk my sophmore year, after i had spent a day with him i found out he was liking my friends story and was also actively talking to another one of my friends so i stopped talking to him. around february last year we reconnected again but right after we hung out i found out he had a girlfriend. but he denied it. we fell off after that because we had a big argument. just at the beginning of this school year me and him were talking and once again i found out he had a girlfriend. i told my friend who told his gf and it was a mess. we stopped talking for 5 months after that until today. he’s still dating the same girl now so i don’t know why he’s talking to me. he said he was just checking up on me, but as we talked more it seems like he wants me to be a side chick. which i told him i won’t do. he keeps on talking about you won’t be a side chick you can be my best friend but we can just do things on the low. last time we hung out he made me feel like shit. i felt like he was using me but he swears he wasn’t. but i really liked him. i don’t know what i’m going to do now. maybe i’ll explain the whole situation of what went down last time we hung out to you if you want. but it’s a uncomfortable story i will warn you. for now i told him i’ll be his friend. just his friend. and i hope he gets that. i hope that he can keep it just friendly but i doubt it. he’s already talking crazy to me. i don’t want to get in trouble with his gf either. she’s the type to fight. here are the links to the dresses :) https://www.macys.com/shop/product/b-darlin-juniors-lace-corset-gown-created-for-macys?ID=17208321&pla_country=US&CAGPSPN=pla&trackingid=&m_sc=sem&m_sb=Google&m_tp=PLA&m_ac=Google_Womens_PLA&m_ag=&m_cn=GS_Women%27s_Dresses_PMax_PLA&m_pi=go_cmp-20388296366_adg-_ad-__dev-m_ext-_prd-791841584735USA&gad_source=1&gbraid=0AAAAAD-Tw4KaWghclm99UEsVjtIjKPnmY&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIyoyLkP-TiwMVhyvUAR3dbDB8EAQYASABEgL6h_D_BwE https://www.macys.com/shop/product/b-darlin-juniors-beaded-satin-corset-bodycon-dress-created-for-macys?ID=19993286 https://www.macys.com/shop/product/b-darlin-juniors-glitter-knit-plunge-neck-ruched-gown?ID=19678487&isDlp=true

@Someone99 basically to summarize the story of what happened the last time i saw this guy. i had skipped my first hour class to go see him, first red flag was that he was at home and didn’t want to meet me halfway to his house or walk me at all so i had to walk by myself. then when i got there he was smoking which i don’t mind but he knew i had to go to school and home later so i couldn’t have the smell on me. so he basically told me strip so that my clothes could stay in the other room away from the blunt, then he gave me a blanket so that i wasn’t fully exposed, (keep in mind at this time i was already intimate with him once the previous year before so it didn’t bother me much) but then i was in his room and he was just playing his video game and ignoring me basically, just smoking like i wasn’t even there. then eventually he started paying attention to me and whatever happened, i don’t want to go to much into that but it wasn’t a pleasant experience. it really hurt my feelings a lot. so then after he gives me a kiss leaves the room for a minute then comes back and gets back on the game and back to ignoring me. eventually i get up and go next to him and hang around him for a while but he still doesn’t pay attention to me. soon i had to leave so i gave him a kiss bye and left and he was fine then but the whole thing just rubbed me the wrong way. i walked back to school alone and i had only told one friend what happened after and she told me that one of her friends was DATING him. ugh. i confronted him and he denied it and whatever but the whole thing just made me so sad and upset. i do really like this guy though. at one point i thought i might have loved him. i’ve known him for about 2 years now. i agreed to be his friend like i said. but i don’t know i feel like i catch feelings too easily. last time i was over at his house he said he had strong feelings for me too. i don’t even know where he stand now but it shouldn’t matter because he has a girlfriend right? anyways it’s just all bad. that was one of the worst experiences i’ve had with a guy in my life. it just made me so upset. he admitted that what he did was wrong and said sorry for making me feel bad and was all come over again and i’ll do it right blah blah blah but ugh. men are shit. thank you for your opinion on the dresses. i also like the green one. you sound like my mom with the turkeneck no slit lol! i’ll let you know if i ever decide on anything

@Someone99 hi! sorry i’ve replied late. i get busy afterschool with homework and stuff. your right i probably should stay away from this guy. that’s what i said i’ll just be friends with him: i don’t feel like i can deny him fully but i’m fine keeping him as a friend. i do feel bad for his girlfriend. i thought they were really loyal to eachother now even after he got caught texting me once in their relationship already. they even have eachothers names tattooed. i guess that goes to show no one and nothing is really yours even if your names on it. i also didn’t mention that he and his girlfriend go to the alternative school across the street from the highschool so they should be easier to avoid seeing in person. i feel like i do try to be patient and wait for the right person. but i get lonely. i feel like most of the time i have no one to talk to in the way that i desire. i would consider myself a loving person and i want someone who’s deserving of that love that let’s me love them and in return gives it back to me. i hope i find that , hopefully soon or in college. i feel like i would give better guys a chance if they just asked lol. i’ve never really had a nice guy approach me at all. i feel like i definitely do attract a type even though i don’t do anything to give out that energy. not to mention i just don’t really get hit in in general at all lol. i really do feel like we both desire a deeper connection. the story i told you i just felt so disconnected from him. i do think he was using me. i could tell by the way he treated me in person. but your right it’s like even if your with someone they can not really be there, their mind could be preoccupied thinking of somebody else- and until their focus is on you then your just coexisting. i do think more people should feel more. validation is a normal thing to desire so i don’t know why it’s seen as such a bad thing. it gets labeled as insecure. you can seek validation without being insecure. i think good relationships require validation and reassurance without asking. you should want your partner to know how for them you are if you want them to be happy and secure. i feel like the moment people feel ignored or unimportant they check out emotionally while they can still be in a relationship. i’m sorry something like that happened with you and your wife. the way you feel is normal and even good. it shows that you care and that your heart is pure. you love her and you want more from her because of that. nothing wrong with that. i applaud you for still being with her. even when it cheats hard. when you have a bond with someone even if it fades sometimes you’ll put up with a lot of things because you want that person in your life. and thank you for reminding me that i am a gift. those are the types of affirmations i need to keep telling myself . other than that my day was okay. a little boring. no word from the guy or from kamaria today at all. just a whole bunch of nothing. i made cookies to make myself feel better lol.

@Someone99 hi! i made chocolate chip cookies. my favorite. how were you CT results? your not a bad person or unapproachable it’s just the ocd talking. i hope it’s calmed down for you. my ocd has also been out of wack lately. things are improving at home but worsening at school. it’s like playing a game of whack a mole. as soon as you fix one area another thing comes up. as a result i noticed some old ocd habits coming back at home. it’s just really hard to fight off but im trying. anything new with you? today we have no school. a snow day. 8-10 inches. i have some homework to catch up. still no word from the guy or from kamaria. i saw some posts she made a while ago that really hurt my feelings yesterday. oh well. can’t do anything now. i’ve been spending more time texting my friends. well one specificly. me and one of my friends have been getting closer and i love it.

@Someone99 i just saw kamaria post a picture of another girl with hearts, and i looked tag girls page and she posted stuff about kamaria

@Someone99 hi, i’m sorry i haven’t been answering. my mind has been elsewhere. -with the whole kamaria thing and my mom being out of town plus my ocd being worse the last week or so it’s just been a lot. on saturday my friend was at the same party as my ex and i told her to tell him hi for me and me and him talked on the phone for a little bit. we even said i love you. we say that every time we talk. but i haven’t talked to him really since november. we’ve been talking on and off for 3 years since we dated for one. i told him text me and he texted me sunday morning. and i texted back and he still hasn’t replied. i know his phone is broke though. but i knew he has ways to text me anyways. i’ve been really aggressively stalking/ watching kamarias supposed new girls page. i’m not even sure if they really talk i just took hints. i should probably stop but for some reason im inclined to watch and stay in the loop even though im getting over the thought of kamaria. my ocd has been really out of wack the last few days. just worse. things are taking me 20-30 minutes longer- i don’t know how ill manage school tomorrow. my hands are really dry too. it’s just all a lot. i had the day off today atleast. it felt like -20 which means no school. i go back tomorrow though. i hope it goes okay. i’ve been feeling really unmotivated but i really miss my friends. some of them even got me valintines day presents which made me really happy. how have you been?

@Someone99 don’t worry about the long response. i enjoy hearing from you. i’m sorry that experience happened to you at a young age. i’m sure it’s been a hard thing to process. the fact that you were able to recognize the problem and grow from it is amazing. makes you more of a man being able to hurt. as for the kamaria thing i haven’t thought about how my behavior might be a different theme of ocd. i guess i’ve always been like this. i’ve decided to stop stalking them both lol, or at least try. the cherry on top was that this new girl is friends with this girl that i used to be friends with that i’m not cool with now, she was terrible person- basically just used me for money to smoke for free and put me in lots of uncomfortable situations. today i was walking out of school when kamaria, her friend, and this other girl were infront of me. the friend looks back and me and kamaria tells me stop in a way that makes the other girl ask why she keeps on telling her to not look at me. they whisper a little and i hear the other girl say “her?!” and look at me. then i hear her say something along the lines of don’t act like you weren’t just texting me yesterday and all in my phone. then on top of that the girl asks to see kamarias phone and they all just start giggling but this girl is actually mad at kamaria. keep in mind this is a completely different girl then the one i knew she was talking to that i’ve been stalking. like wow. she really does not care about anyone. and the final cherry on top was that both of these girls look like me in a way! black hair, makeup done, eyelashes. only difference is their white lol. i find myself comparing a lot but i try not to. i know it’s not good. as for the ex, im not sure if him and me speaking is a good thing. there was points where he treated me really badly but also points where he was perfect. i do think he really loves me in his own way. i definitely have love for him. i think he’s the one person i can truely never fully get over, we’ve really been through a lot together. but i also feel like i can never be fully comfortable around him. and i think i deserve both. but u do miss him sometimes- not like how i used to though. i agree it’s probably not the time to get into talking to anyone else, but i really do feel lonely. i don’t really talk to anyone much and i would say im happiest when i have someone to love. i’m a lover if you can’t tell lol. i just really enjoy having someone to talk to all the time about anything and know that they feel for me. on that note i haven’t heard back from him since sunday- even though he’s the one who reached out. thank you for sharing that verse of psalm with me. i enjoy hearing things like that. it really humanizes a person knowing that people even way back then think like how we think. i went to catholic school for 10 years but my parents never raised me as that- their a mix of the hindu and sikh religion. i’ve never been fully invested in religion much of my life- it confuses me a lot because i’ve never known what to believe. i do want to believe there is something above me looking out for me weather that be a greater force or a god. i do find myself wanting to pray sometimes but i don’t really know how. i think talking to myself in a way is a sort of praying for me- a way to ground myself. i do hope that i become more connected with faith in the future. i think it would be good for me and possibly and future kids- not to mention it’s important to my family values. i don’t know i just like to think god keeps an eye on me even when i don’t know what to say to him.

@Someone99 i’m very sorry for your loss, take all the time you need. if you need to talk i’m here, if you don’t i’m here too.

@Someone99 hi! how have you been? how is your son and family? i’m sorry again that i’ve been replying late, it’s just school takes up so much time and ive been having trouble sleeping. today at school was fine. pretty boring day. my cousin got married today and she looked beautiful. i wish i had a way to show you pictures. it was a gorgeous wedding i watched it on a live video. other than that nothing crazy. just came home and went straight to bed. how has your day been?

@Someone99 really thank god it’s friday! i needed a break desperately lol. i hope the funeral goes smoothly and im glad that your son is coming home soon. is it warm in israel? would be nice to get away from this weather. i’m sure his trip went well. we’re learning about israel in geography actually. my mom also gets home on tuesday! i’m glad that your having some clarity about your marriage. in what i know about it, i also think it can work. just let things go naturally as they are. and i’m glad you got to see your counselor. i hope you had a chance to talk some things out. i see my therapist on monday for the first time since new years- i hope that i can open up to her and tell her about my ocd finally, especially now that im on meds it seems hard to hide. today marks one month that ive been on meds!! i know it hasn’t been long and im not sure if its placebo effect or what but for a while i really did feel so much better- since then it’s gotten back to how it was a bit but im fighting it as best as i can. seems like as soon as i fix one thing another thing worsens or a new problems come up. its like playing a crazy game of whack a mole. indian weddings are beautiful. you should google them. i hope to have a wedding like that some day. and i care for you too. thank you for saying that :) i’m planning on relaxing as best as i can the rest of the night. my mom hates when i eat in the middle of the night so ill probably make a little midnight snack since she’s gone and watch something and sleep in if i can. i’ve been extremely sleep deprived this week lol.

@Someone99 hi! how’s your day been so far? a family trip sounds nice. i might go on one after i graduate. asia is beautiful. definitely a place to consider. my friend is gone today so i’m at lunch by myself right now lol. i see my counselor today at 5 too. glad you had a nice time with yours. today i woke up an hour late. and guess what i got to school on time!! my alarm didn’t go off because my phone didn’t charge for some reason. but i cut down my whole ocd morning routine to just what i need plus some (hard to get rid of it all) and i got ready on time!!! a full hour out of my routine just like that. now i know i can do it. i saw your other message before too. about your dream. just didn’t get the chance to reply. why do you think you had this dream? how did it make you feel? don’t read too much into it. it could also be nothing. you know better than me.

@Someone99 you should never be embarrassed about anything with me. promise i don’t judge. just take a while to respond sometimes lol. it’s weird that i didnt freak out with not washing my hands fully this morning but later in the day i was back to my old routine. i’m thinking of building on it somehow just don’t know how. maybe i need to be late more often lol. i told my counselor about my ocd and new medication and she acknowledged it but didnt make me talk about it much which i appreciate: we just talked about life and stuff. we talk about her too it’s more like us hanging out ive known her for about 4 years now. what about you how was your day? tomorrow i get to go home with a friend which im excited about we’re planning on getting food again. i also saw another one of my friends afterschool today for about 10 minutes. we just hung out in her car. her car smelling like weed really made me miss it lol. ugh.

@Someone99 why were you upset yesterday? some warmer weather is definitely nice. finally got to not wear a coat to school lol. did your some get home okay? i would also really like to know what’s the root of my contamination ocd. i think being a germaphobe is the word you were looking for. i dont think im a perfectionist though. trust me i know im far from perfect. to answer your question yes, i dont overstress about my looks - hair makeup all that. my makeup routine takes like 5 minutes and my hair the same. i just keep it straightened because its easier to maintain than my naturally wavy hair. but i throw my hair up in a bun plenty. i also usally just do my makeup at school if im running late. so definitely not a perfectionist.

@Someone99 i just got home from school and my dad sat me down to tell me something which was weird and made me nervous- i sat down and he told me that my moms in the hospital and had surgery i’m going to see her now

@Someone99 my mom is doing better. she was supposed to come home today but she decided to stay another day. unexpectedly a complication happened and she had to get a catheter put in so now she’s in the hospital til she can get it removed. the surgery was because she threw a blood clot.she should be home tomorrow but on bed rest for 2 weeks. kinda bad timing because my sister comes home from school next week too. keep praying for her. i stayed home from school today too. i’m probably going to spend the rest of the day catching up and visit my mom at around 6. atleast i have monday off of school next week!! how about you? how was your day?

@Someone99 hi! i replied before but forgot to @ you so i didn’t know if you saw it! whoops! anyways goodnight! thinking of you!

@Someone99 i hope you sleep well tonight. praying for you. i know that ocd randomly flares up sometimes, i get it. and your wife blaming you i bet doesn’t help. just another thing added onto everything else. don’t think your marriage is done just because of bad days. nothing is over until you tell yourself it’s over and can 100% believe it. ask yourself if you’d bet all the money you have on your marriage being over. i bet you wouldn’t. i believe in you. do what you think is good for you and for her. plus the kids. my day has been okay. ocd has improved in some places. i’ve been able to cut my bathroom breaks at home down to 10 minutes from what was originally 20-30 then to 15 now to 10. feeling a little discouraged because the most recent trip took 30 minutes, realized i washed my hands for 25 minutes straight. i know i need to beat ocd because holding in my pee for 7 hours straight is definitely not ideal lol. you know how i mentioned my ex boyfriend a while ago? he left me on read about 4 days ago. haven’t heard from him since. today i check his instagram and see him posting with a stripper to some kinda sad song. he wasn’t looking at her in the picture kinda had his head down. obviously he has no reason to be posting to that kinda song if he’s talking about me so im wondering who or what’s that about. on friday i did have a small interaction with kamaria but not directly. her friend broke her leg so she’s been helping her get to class. i have a class with the friend so kamaria walked her up and the friend asked her why she doesn’t just stay. kamaria said “absolutely not” and then they both gave eachother a look as the friend realized why (because i was in there). ugh.