let me enjoy my relationship!

why won’t my brain let me enjoy my relationship? why can’t i just enjoy my boyfriend and how sweet he is without my brain forcing me to compare him to someone else or other relationships and make me question if im even happy or if im settling and if i love him or just love the idea of a relationship. i find myself always double checking and making sure how i feel. my biggest fear is hurting him. i don’t want my mental illness to ruin something good. i don’t want my mental illness to destroy my relationship. i don’t know what to do!

bleeblah

Date posted: 31w

I completely relate and get what your going through. I recently got out of a long term relationship and my OCD has exasperated the process of moving on and made it 10000x time harder. I love my new partner so much, and my fear of hurting him or “accidentally leading him on” constantly leads me to checking how i feel around him. I get many intrusive thoughts that cause me to question myself and our relationship and it has taken tremendous effort to separate the intrusive thought from how im actually feeling. i dont know if im in a position to give advice because i’m going through a similar thing but what I find helps me is these things: separating my OCD thoughts from how I think and feel as a person. really sitting and writing down the unequivocal facts of how i feel towards my relationship minus the OCD gives me something to reflect on when the compulsions/intrusive thoughts get bad, and kind of anchor me to reality. Another thing that has helped me a lot is being honest with my partner and doing research about OCD together. There should always be a boundary when it comes to what intrusive thoughts are shared specifically with your partner as to not hurt their feelings, but giving them the information to better understand how your mind works I find can make it feel a little less isolating. One of my worst compulsions is compulsive honesty, and once my boyfriend understood that about me, it felt good to have someone that could call out that behavior before i spiraled. The final thing is this: Remind yourself that manipulators know that they are manipulating. Im sure you are a good partner to your boyfriend and obviously he is one to you. if your intrusive thoughts and fears were true, there would be toxicity in this relationship and it would be devoid of the love and warmth needed to flourish as a couple. What you do is more important than what you think or fear, if you are being a good partner to him in the real world, that’s what matters. I know im a random person and Idon’t know how good this advice is, but i thought it would be worth it to know you’re not alone. You’re more than your mental illness and we both deserve healthy and thriving relationships and i believe we will achieve that. sending love 🩷

vivi !

Date posted: 31w

@bleeblah your words mean so much more than you know, thank you for taking the time to help me. it’s very appreciated

HoplessRomantix

Date posted: 31w

@bleeblah I’m in a bit of a similar situation and reading this honestly made me want to cry. I struggle deeply with compulsive honesty and I can’t thank you enough because what I am going through with my partner right now feels like hell. Your words and experience helps so much thank you

bleeblah

Date posted: 31w

@HoplessRomantix @HoplessRomantix @vivi ! I’m glad that my words helped you both. ROCD is so specific sometimes and is so taxing because it makes you question your reality. Your mind is supposed to be your ultimate privacy and solitude so when that is contaminated by troubling thoughts it’s truly like the ultimate isolation. But you’re not alone at all! It’s become one of my worst subtypes as of late and I know you all know how it feels like hell. It’s so hard to see an end in sight, especially with the prospect of a relationship in view, it’s like you convince yourself that “as long as i’m in this relationship, the feeling will last” or “this must not be the right person if i’m feeling like this” but none of it is true. Like i said, we all deserve to be happy and obviously love our partners deeply. These feelings and fears are born from caring TOO much, rather than not caring at all. Caring is what makes you a good partner, and shows why you should stay in your relationship. Fears and Compulsions come in waves and my motto with OCD is; the only way out is through. I’ve seen my ROCD lessen as I do more research and stay open with my partner about it. I wish you both the best!🩷

geminileo

Date posted: 25w

Not doing well (vent)

Hi, I haven’t posted in a while. I’ve been struggling for the past month, it’s been a mix of ocd flare ups and depressive episodes. I recently got into a new relationship, one I was not expecting at all as I had just broken up with my long term boyfriend over the summer and was expecting the cycle of being alone for a few years and then dating again. But anyways, my current boyfriend is amazing and so caring and sweet, I told him before we even started dating about my ocd and how I sometimes need constant reassurance and that it can be a lot to deal with it and that I can become clingy and annoying and he didn’t even bat an eye, he just said he likes me as I am and that he will be able to help and support me. We’re dating long distance rn as I’m finishing up college but we constantly text and video chat/call almost every night. My ocd has been constantly gnawing at that and it’s causing my abandonment issues to flare up horribly, I’ve told him a little bit about my ex boyfriend as he was not a very good person, he was much older than me (12 years) and at the start of our relationship he was amazing and said he could deal with my mental health issues (I know no one is obligated at all) but I would communicate to him that it scares me when he doesn’t talk to me for weeks at a time, and at first he said he would try to be better about that but then it turned into him saying I’m annoying and clingy and that I bother him and that he just wants alone time but during that alone time I wouldn’t hear from him at all for two weeks. He also stopped caring about my interests and said I was annoying when I would talk about them and would even get mad when I tried to talk about my day. Anyways being in this new relationship has caused me to fear that my current boyfriend is going to leave me, lost interest in me or that he’s annoyed with me and hates me, which unfortunately has caused me to give into my compulsion of reassurance so I’ve been asking him a lot “do you still like me?” “We’re still together right?” “Have I annoyed you?” And I hate myself for doing that. He is so sweet and I don’t want to be like this, I don’t want to drain him, i genuinely have never felt this way about anyone I’ve dated but it’s like he was meant to be in my life and we clicked instantly like it felt like we’ve known each other forever and I don’t want to lose him. My avoidance is getting bad and I’m trying to stop myself from pushing him away but I just feel so guilty and ughhhh it’s so frustrating. I just don’t know how to handle this, I want to be with him and I want to make him happy but I hate that my brain works this way.

Gmoki

Date posted: 22w

Relationship

I feel so bad I overthink abt everything my bf says and does. I think that if he doesn’t say x y z when I want reassurance then he must’ve stopped caring or is tired of me. I know it’s not the truth and he gives me NO reason to think this way. This is my first healthy relationship and I want to be in each others lives forever. I love him so much and I’m trying my hardest to manage these thoughts but I’m so anxious. It’s so draining I feel helpless and like I can’t go a day without checking his social medias. I want us to be the best versions of ourselves for eachother but idk where to start or how to manage this feeling.

Mariabae

Date posted: 22w

i feel so bad

I feel so lost. My boyfriend tries so hard to help me, but nothing seems to work. Every time he reassures me, my mind finds another doubt. He asks me, “So you’ve been questioning if you love me for almost 2 years?” and instead of feeling comforted, my mind jumps to “Maybe I just can’t accept that I don’t love him.” I keep telling him every thought that comes to my mind, hoping for relief, but it never lasts. I feel anxious, disconnected, and stuck in this endless cycle. He tells me that if I truly didn’t love him, I wouldn’t care so much about these thoughts. But still, my brain won’t stop questioning everything. I don’t understand why I feel this way. Why does it feel like I’m forcing something? Why do I feel like I can’t just know how I feel? I want to feel okay. I want to be present with him without analyzing every moment. But no matter what I do, my mind keeps telling me “What if you don’t love him?” I feel like I’m stuck between wanting clarity and being terrified of what that clarity might mean. It feels so real, and I hate it. I don’t know what to do.

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