should I be allowed to continue on

TW currently I’m very in between my life continuing or not. I am a monster I am. I have become the monster that did harm to me as a child. Here’s the story. I was picking up my nephew and rocking him back and forth when I noticed I got a groinal response and felt so disgusted by it. I continued so I could put him to bed and the response continued so I stopped because it’s just so disgusting that my body would respond to that. My brain is trying to tell me no you liked that , you kept going there’s more and you’ve become who you feared. I know nothing more happened, I know I let him go because that’s just simply disgusting.I love him to the moon and back and would never implement such hurt but now I feel like the damage is done. He didn’t cry or anything because I was doing it, he only cried because he was fighting the sleep but he was already tired. Still , I stopped doing it and used another method to help him sleep. Anyway now I just want to end it all because of that. I don’t deserve to have a loving family or my life.

120

Date posted: 31w

You do deserve a loving family and life. You don’t deserve to be suffering and worrying about these things because they are not your fault no matter what your mind tells you. You are not a monster. OCD is telling you that you are but it isn’t true. The story you told proves to me that you care about your nephew and would be the last person who would hurt him. Everything you have said proves to me that you are a wonderful person suffering from OCD and from the harm you suffered as a child. You’re not a monster and you deserve to live and be loved.

nae nae

Date posted: 31w

I agree with the comment above mine wholeheartedly. OCD is horrible. I'm so sorry it's making you feel like you don't deserve these things. You do. :(

anxiousashhh

Date posted: 31w

@nae nae Thank you so much nae nae, your comments always help me so much especially as a fellow 19 year ok’d

nae nae

Date posted: 31w

@anxiousashhh I'm glad they help, even if it's just a little. A lot of your posts are things I can definitely relate to. We'll get through this eventually. 🫂

anxiousashhh

Date posted: 31w

@nae nae I really hope so as well, I feel way better than last night. I talked to the lifeline and my mom as well. She helped me calm down and made me understand I caught a compulsion incoming and yet chose to not engage in it. I think OCD diminishes our successes and I really hope that you and I someday are able to see how worth it we are. I really appreciate you honestly ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

nae nae

Date posted: 31w

@anxiousashhh Yeah, OCD really, really does diminish our successes... But, I believe we'll get there one day, and like you said, see how worth it we are. You got this, and if you ever need anything at all, I'll be here! And, I appreciate you, too!! You're very, very kind, and the posts you've made have helped me remember I'm not alone. 🤍

swimmingfish

Date posted: 31w

You are so completely fine i promise you. This is OCD these are thoughts you cannot control. Be gentle on yourself :) i would recommend going and seeing a therapist for these struggles and contemplating your life. What you are experiencing is normal. Its OCD :)

Anonymous

Date posted: 31w

I agree with the above comments. I would also suggest calling a crisis hotline if you are struggling with thoughts of self harm. I've called the 988 crisis hotline number myself a few times, and they're there to help! I'm not a trained professional, but I would also of course talk with you if you wanted! I hear you, buddy, and I know things are difficult, and I'm so sorry!

Anony1314

Date posted: 17w

On the struggle bus

Struggling. My mind/OCD told me I had already abused my child by breathing when they were laying across me and that I might as well do something else to hurt them. I had to think for a second, but the only thing that came to mind was to move my elbow towards their groin area to cause a "feeling". Well I did just that, and I ended up grazing their groinal area and it caused a disgusting unwanted feeling. I IMMEDIATELY wanted to throw up and panicked. I also asked my child to move off of me immediately. It went against my morals, beliefs, and values as an individual and mother. I can't stop thinking about it and it's very debilitating. I didn't enjoy a single moment of it. But my question to you guys is am the monster that I've always been scared of being? Do I belong in the ground? Do I deserve to have a wonderful life and wonderful, perfect child?

POCD

Anonymous

Date posted: 16w

I GUESS ITS OVER FOR ME

Hey i dont even know if i belong here or not because i dont think so i have ocd i am just making an excuse for the past crimes i have committed i am 18 now and about to be 19 so just wanted to share something i know for sure i have done this crime when i was 13 or 14 because why would i think and feel guilty over an act i have never committed for 5 years so yeah i came to know about this thing OCD and now i am putting my crimes to it and false memory that kinda stuff but in my mind its always like that "you have done those acts i have proof" after asking my sister 3 times that do you even remember a glimpse of my inapproriate behaviour towards you but no she has answered "nope if i did i would tell you i never felt uncomfortable around you " well how may she remember when she was sleeping when i did those acts and yeah she was 12 too so she must be a deep sleeper well my mind have too much proof that i am a sexual abuser i dont know why i am still typing but just wanted to know do i deserve to live anymore because according to me i am done i cant tolerate these disgusting thoughts about my sister and i may be a threat to her and i dont deserve to live in this family i love them so much but i cant do it anymore i am such a monster they deserve so much better

Imnew@this

Date posted: 15w

I feel like a monster

(21+ ONLY: TRIGGER WARNING) I honestly feel so overwhelmed by my thoughts—so overwhelmed that I honestly don’t care anymore. I feel like I’m accepting the fact that I’m a monster and have always been a monster. I broke down last night because of these thoughts but I wouldn’t tell anyone if they asked. It wouldn’t make sense to them. This morning, I was watching a body cam video and the person that was arrested was traumadumping about their past SA. I felt like I liked the thoughts and images I got from it. And instead of being disgusted, I let it happen. What does this mean? Does this mean that I’m a monster? Am I a just a monster in disguise?

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should I be allowed to continue on

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