Real Event obsessions related to COCSA

Anyone else ever struggled with real event obsessions related to being a perpetrator of COCSA? A while back I had an obsessive episode about this, and it caused me to spiral so badly. It was so rough. it’s especially scary for me because I can’t confidently remember what I did or how old I was when it happened. The one thing I do know is that I was 5 years older than the other person, which just makes me all the more mortified and terrified, especially when I try to put it in perspective of how old I *might* have been at the time. (Hypothetically somewhere between 9-10) When I first had this thought pop into my head I spiralled so so hard. I spent so long replaying everything, trying to remember what actually happened, and every time I replayed the moment, it changed in my mind. I’m so scared that I’m a perpetrator of COCSA, but I can’t confidently say to what severity. I don’t think I could ever admit this openly to anyone, but part of me feels an overwhelming kind of guilt that could only ever go away if I confessed. It even makes me feel like I should be confessing to people like my boyfriend. I feel a sense of obligation to share this with him, I think partly due to the fact that I see us getting married in the future. But I don’t think I ever could tell him, and that makes me worry for the future of my relationship. I don’t want to build a relationship on secrets, and this secret feels so overwhelmingly heavy. At one time it even made me feel unworthy of love. But it would ruin our relationship if I told him. And even if I did decide to confess, I wouldn’t be able to confidently say what happened, because I don’t even know anymore. I’m stuck with an unsolvable problem it seems. The guilt is unbearable at times, and it comes and goes in waves. I’m scared that one day when I have kids the guilt will come back again in a huge way and I’ll be forced to confess. I don’t even know if this is “OCD” and I don’t want to label myself. I just know I’m experiencing some rough problems and I feel like no one can relate to my experience. At the worst of it, I felt so isolated and unlovable.

Real Events OCD

nae nae

Date posted: 30w

Hey, I just wanted to say I really relate to this a lot. I've been through a very similar situation. It got triggered by a video I saw on TikTok, and a lot of memories resurfaced. I replayed them so many times that they've turned into a distorted mess in my head. It involved my sister and I, which is the worst. She means the world to me, and I'd never want to harm her in any way. The guilt and shame led me to confess to both my parents, as well as my sister. When I brought up those memories to my sister, she actually laughed at me for worrying about it so much, but she let me apologize and forgave me (even though she said there's nothing to forgive). Both of my parents said the same, and that we were just children and that I needed to forgive myself. I've since been open about everything with my psychiatrist, and she assured me I hadn't done anything wrong and that my family was right. It's been rough, but I'm slowly learning to unravel all of this guilt. What terrified me the most was that, around the time it happened, I'd also started to get groomed online by older men, which led me to believe that might have had some impact on things. But, being open with those around me has honestly helped a lot... You don't have to tell anyone at all if you aren't comfortable, but I don't think they'd judge you either. You were a child back then, and that version of you no longer exists in this world. We make mistakes, and we learn to grow from them. That's what being human is. :) If you need to talk or vent about anything, I'm here! I've only interacted with a few other people who have had a similar experience, so I know how isolating it can be. But, I promise you aren't alone, and you are worthy of forgiveness, love, and many other beautiful things that life has to offer.

Anonymous_co...

Date posted: 30w

@nae nae Thank you so much for the encouragement. It means a lot. And it’s encouraging to know I’m not alone. I’m glad to hear that you have been able to work through your struggles and be open and honest about them. That takes courage! Keep it up! I wish you all the best on your healing journey ❤️‍🩹 Completely random but I also noticed that we’re the same age which is kinda cool. It’s nice to know that there are people my age who understand my struggles.

nae nae

Date posted: 30w

@Anonymous_confessions Thank you! And, I noticed we were both the same age, too! I wish we didn't have these struggles and this unnecessary guilt we're carrying, but it's comforting to know we're not the only ones going through this lol. I'll be wishing you the same on your journey! 🤍

Yannina

Date posted: 24w

Help

Tw Ocd has always manifested itself in different forms in my life. The fact that this memory came to me literally destroyed 4 months of my life with constant doubt, fear, guilt, the desire to commit suicide. Living with this fear for 4. Months wondering if I really did it? If it really happened and I really SA’d this person or it really happened and the ocd is trying to make me look like the wrong person? The fact that the old things I did when I was little are coming back makes me even more scared. Sometimes, I tell myself, what if I really didn't have the ocd and I'd just really done it? I talk about this event as if I'd really done it when, I don't even know if it's true or not and that scares me even more because I tell myself that if I talk about it as if I'd really done it, well maybe I really did it? I live with this enormous fear of having done it and of being seen everywhere as someone who has committed a cocsa . My ocd deteriorates at night with suicidal crises. I don't have anyone to talk to because I'm afraid people will think I'm weird or judge me. I'm always afraid of tomorrow, I go to bed with a heavy heart and I wake up with a heavy heart and the fear that I've done it, I'm afraid of waking up one day and finding out that I've really done it, like why can't I trust my brain? Why can't I remember? And even though I know I didn't do it or I'm certain of it (I prayed for it and I received a wave of peace), I'll always have this doubt in my head and it will come back even worse . Every time I hear the words rape, assault, violence, I feel so bad and I feel targeted, if it's triggering me and I feel bad and I wonder if it has anything to do with my memory or if it means that I really did it. I'm French and I don't know if the psychiatrists here know this subtype. I'm afraid that my psychiatrist won't know and will judge me.

Parker_b

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 24w

Sexual Real event ocd.

Getting eaten alive by thoughts right now, when I was a child me and other kids around my age would experiment and do things we shouldn’t have, I’m talking very young, like 3-5 as I got older I was for whatever reason always curious to a horrible extent and it lead me to do in appropriate things to kids around me, I was 7-8 at the time. I would say it happened 3 times in total in my childhood. And i eventually told my parents the last time it happened because even though I didn’t know it at the time. I had ocd. And I knew it was bad. That was when it all started. I feel absolutely disgusted with my 7 year old self and it comes up every once in a while especially when I hear anything about sexual abuse. I’m nearly 20 now and I enjoy my life for the most part and I’ve been down the ocd path before but I feel unforgivable. And I never want to tell anyone about it, but my ocd seems to want that. I have a beautiful girlfriend that had some traumatic things happen to her and I love her with my soul. I don’t ever want that to come up. Because that’s not who I am. When will I be able to forgive myself? If at all I hope I’m not alone.

Real Events OCD

Lulu~

Date posted: 17w

False memories + real events (TW: POCD)

Hello 😭, so uhm I’m kind of in the point of my POCD where I’m just tired. I just need to get it all out and get some sort of instruction of how to just idk live? So for me my childhood is pretty blurry. I have a few real event blended with false memory events there but other than that I’m a csa victim. And the way I tried to cope? By fetishising nyself, making CP of myself, seeing my life goal as being used, raped and a prostitue. Self destructive behaviour through talking to pedophiles and seeing my only worth as if I was sexually attractive. Which made me kind of numb to CP as a coping mechanism I guess. And heres’s where my main event of REOCD/false memory ocd comes in. I have a few events in my life when I’ve accidentally stumbled across CP ish mangas or just plan abuse and not had a big reaction. Some of them I even liked the story. And my ocd LOVES playing with it, making me truly believe I enjoy and get of from CP. I’ve also had quite a few dreams. A few days ago I had a dream about me getting triggered by something I did in the dream. Which I now can’t figure out if it actually was a dream. But also moments overall where I’ve unintentionally touched my private part while my siblings are in the room or when I found a guy 2 years younger than me pretty in 4th grade. Or a few of my only friends who turned out to be younger than me, and I had talked about sexual things (like fan fictions, my trauma ect) with them. AHSHB I absolutely hate ruminating and I’m tired so so so so so so tried 😭 idk help me? Please TT

POCD

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Real Event obsessions related to COCSA

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