not sure if OCD

so, sometime ago, 10 ish years ago to be exact, i was sexually assaulted under the influence of drugs. it’s come & gone with varying levels of intensity throughout these years. for some time, it didn’t seem to bother me. i changed my whole room around, threw away those clothes, did more drugs so i could sleep. eventually, i stopped doing drugs or misusing medication entirely. i rejected it and throughout those years it was still in the back of my mind but i refused to think of it. it seemed better this way knowing what i know now. my cousin told me to go get help for some of the trauma i had experienced in the past as it was showing up as anger and inability to trust in my life. when i did this, the counselor asked some very hard questions, we discussed out loud, in detail the things i recall. she labeled me as a crisis patient and pushed me through to a trauma crisis therapist. we spent about a month of preparation for this program before we terminated our sessions together. so i never went through to see the crisis trauma therapist, nor did i finish all the preparation work me and my (at the time) current therapist were working on. this is when it all seemed to bother me so much more. this was about two years ago. i was scared to be around men once the incident initially occurred, but this went away as i rejected what i remembered. since then, i’ve been scared to be around men where up to this point i had gotten over that, intrusive thoughts (this was before OCD), and nightmares all started to reoccur. fast forward to now, i met my lovely boyfriend again, after we had a thing several years ago. back then, i was not so scared to be around him. in the beginning of me and him reconnecting i was scared out of my mind, constantly worrying, scared of sex and to be alone with him. when we first hung out we were cuddling and his leg was on me and i was worried, i asked him to move his leg, he did. well given some time we got through this together (me more than him) and it all seemed to be great for a short time. i know i could trust him but we were play fighting one day and he held me in a position we normally would have sex in and it gave me a thought, “what if we’re having sex like this and he decides to rape me and i can’t get away?” this thought stuck for days. so much so that i told him i didn’t want to do that position for the time being. i had a few more thoughts similar since then but brushed them off when given them time. lately, for the past month, the incident 10 years ago seemed to be fading from my mind how it used to. some days i totally forget about it, some days im aware it happened but it doesn’t bother me. the point is i was having less days where it impacted me so heavily. the other night, we were doing something, i don’t even remember what, and i got an image in my head that basically showed the position we were in and instead of me seeing what was right in front of me, when i blinked its like i saw how this position (not even sexual this time) could go horribly wrong and how, if he wanted to, he could just flip me and hold me down. my question is are these intrusive thoughts? and if they are, are they OCD related? and if so, why am i getting them of my bf and not have the flashbacks of the man himself in these specific instances? my bf would never in a million years harm me. it’s not fair to him whether he knows about this or not and it’s not fair to me to be scared sometimes for no reason. i need to know what’s going on. thank you.

SunnyAnon

Date posted: 25w

ocd flashes + doubt

does anyone else get flashbacks of things they’ve seen due to giving into their compulsion??? whenever i’m having a remotely normal time or having fun or thinking of making a big decision i have flashes of videos or pictures or just made up scenarios that are related to horrible things i’ve seen and compulsively watched and did stuff with. it immediately kills my mood and makes me ruminate about it and i think about it over and over. i find myself wondering if ocd drew me to do those things or if it was genuine attraction. what if im a horrible monster who’s into awful and illegal and morally wrong stuff??? what if im using ocd to cover it up and it’s not ocd it’s just i thing i was into??? these thoughts are never ending and show up at the worst times. i’m terrified all the time. it renders me sick & unable to make any decision because i’m afraid if i choose to do so it’ll make everybody aware of the things child me/young teenage me did. it feels like all my past traumas and experiences are being blasted on a jumbotron. i’m even scared to post this. again does anyone else know what i mean + does anyone know how to “get over” this feeling/any tips???

SunnyAnon

Date posted: 23w

dealing with OCD flashbacks 18+

i currently am getting over my period and have been having a horrible flashbacks from some real events. it’s a amalgamation of all of the horrible things i did as a child/young teenager. all of it associated with p0rnography + sexual activities i did. i was exposed to sexual activity very young and it lead me down a dark path. i’ve had OCD forever it seems. it’s hard because i can see that i’ve had OCD symptoms since childhood but i constantly doubt wether or not my actions where because of OCD or something i genuinely wanted/was attracted to. i can’t seem to differentiate the two and it’s scaring me. i’m worried i was genuinely into the kind of stuff and it’s constantly flashing in my mind the last two days of things i compulsively did years ago. to be absolutely clear it has been years since i’ve even thought about those taboo things or saw anything of that sort. i’m talking 5 or 6 years give or take. it still feels like yesterday. in recent years i’ve completely pulled away from p0rn and now find it and s3x a lot less appealing. but every so often i get these intense flashbacks on things i did or saw or thought and it puts everything on hold. everything im interested in gets but on the back burner in fear of my intrusive thoughts being thrown into the mix. currently experiencing that now. im mortified of ruining everything i love because of these stupid thoughts. does anyone have any advice or experience with this specifically and have any tips???

Anonymous2212

Date posted: 20w

False Memory/ ROCD

I am diagnosed with OCD, ADHD, and mild depression. But my OCD symptoms are so prominent in my daily life where it feels debilitating. It comes in waves, there will be months with very minor symptoms and other times where it comes in random hitting me like a truck making me rethink life. I grew up having intrusive thoughts of all types, and a lot of them sent me over the edge because I couldn’t understand why things of such sort would cross my mind, things that I’m sure to this day that I’m incapable of or would never want to actually do. Yet I find myself in a constant cycle of trying to dig deep in the past and trying to figure out if I ever acted on any of the intrusive thoughts I can remember, yet ofc have no recollection of acting on them because they most likely didn’t happen. However, not having concrete proof of these things makes me not want to see another day sometimes. It is so hard to move into daily basis like this. I’m also in a happy healthy relationship and sometimes I get these thoughts of “what if I’ve done something awful during the relationship (for example, cheat, dishonesty, etc.) and can’t remember?” I know I would never do anything intentionally to harm my relationship and I think that maybe the idea of not having my partner sends me down a rabbit hole to think all these things. This mental fight is getting harder and harder. It feels unbearable. Does anyone have some fruit for thought, relate, or have any tips?

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