- Date posted
- 30w
My ocd story
First, I had simple OCD. It all started when I was 14. I was morbidly afraid of bacteria. I always went home after school, showered, changed clothes, and applied body lotion to every part of my body. And I always I washed my hands and I couldn't touch my things without washing them first, and when I washed my hands and I was like, "What if I didn't wash them, then I went to wash them again?" The doctor was always quick. My hands from washing my hands a lot, this didn't bother me yet, then the intrusive thoughts came, in 2017 I notice that I was always attracted to women and now I only desire and want them, I am afraid and disgusted by gay people I have no problem with them, I'm just afraid of them and the whole thing is disgusting to me and when I saw that many people were gay, this became gay, that became gay and I was afraid that they were gay too and these things kept coming. Intrusive thoughts what if they are gay and I was in fear and anxiety then it went away it came back worse but it was completely gone it disappeared for years then they came After the false memories, I struggled with them, they were also things related to homosexuality, that I did this and that, and in the process I fought with myself, and then it went away and it wasn't at all. I had symptoms after I had a girlfriend who I was with for 3 years. I loved her more than anything. I wanted to spend my whole life and future with her. And when I was with her, I didn't have any thoughts of lust at all. My false memories were perfect, I lived for years without symptoms, I had 1 or 2 intrusive thoughts very rarely, but they passed me by smoothly, I didn't care and they disappeared, then I didn't click, what if I'm gay? And like this because I knew I wasn't the one then after my girlfriend left me and a month passed I saw a gay kid on TikTok and another intrusive thought came to me, believe this is me, what happened in the meantime Not with myself and I didn't know about OCD at the time and the more I fought with myself the worse it got. 0 24 I had intrusive thoughts about being gay I imagined this I said this I said this I thought I thought what in the meantime when I was with my girlfriend I loved sex with her and I really wanted it I'm the same as before I'm still straight and I only want and want women and I'm afraid and disgusted by gay people, the only problem is that I have obsessive thoughts and so I can't live peacefully and it makes me insecure. Meanwhile, I know I'm straight because I love sex.I used to desire it with my girlfriend and I still desire it now, just like before, I even masturbate to it, I desire it so much and when I watch porn I only look at the woman and if I see a man's ass or something, I get it.Or I turn off her face, I immediately feel disgusted and turn it off. I usually watch things where only the woman is visible and I can imagine myself with the woman. If I see a man's ass or face, I'll turn it off. The translation is not perfect because I am not English, sorry, the point is that I am heterosexual and I only desire and want women and I masturbate to them too, it's just a process, my thoughts are intrusive. Which is quite disturbing and I can't live with it, while I'm still the same person I was, I only desire women and I only want them, I masturbate to them. And for my girlfriend because I really want her but at the same time I have intrusive thoughts about being gay, maybe because I'm really afraid of gay people and gay things.