- Date posted
- 35w
I need help please or i would die
Is there anyone who is struggling with sexual orientation ocd quickly reply and help me ?
Is there anyone who is struggling with sexual orientation ocd quickly reply and help me ?
Yes
I have severe ocd from past almost a year and it is still undiagnosed but when i got extremely anxious and started questioning my relegion and all that i came across philosophies and what not i was extremely exhausted to the point i thought are these feelings even real will i feel sad if something happens to.my family member and i got scared i started searching online youtube videos and i came to know that these were the symptoms of ocd as i had magical thinking ocd and health ocd before in my childhood as well but i didt know that it was ocd. In short my ocd changes themes deliberately i guess before this sexual orientation ocd i was dealing with severe seeveree existential ocd where i my ocd wanted to make me belive i was trap or i was in a stimulation once i stop giving a shit about it i thought i was free but my ocd latched itself onto my sexuality . Yesterday i was travelling and.i was feeling anxious as well and how i cop with my anxitey is i think about romantic stuff im into so i was thinking about it and it wasnt helping me as much so alot of doubts started to come in my mind like what if im not attracted to anybody like to no one then whats my purpose what am i even doing here in this world and then it started i started having doubts that what if i am attracted to female which i am not i mean i never felt any romantic or emotional relation to any woman and that thought went away and new came and it said im not attracted to anybody im just alone and i was distressed and now the second thought is repeating again and again and now brain is giving me evidences from my past experiences like one time i watched female porn and it says i am attracted to them (even tho my brain also used to give me sexual fantisies about animals and older men ) but my brian just wont understand i m extremely stressed to the point i am exhausted what should i do? .
I also have so-ocd and it's like this and it's torture (I don't know what to say but I guess I'm commenting to let you know you're not alone)
@Ms.shelovesfrogs Yeah im not alone but im scared
@Ms.shelovesfrogs Does your mind gives you proofs and evidences like that !
@feema Heck yes it does đ today morning I decided to stop feeding/fueling my compulsions and my mind is currently doing tricks and my anxiety level is like đ
@Ms.shelovesfrogs What kind of evidences
@feema Mine were i used to watch female porn when i was a teenager
@feema But i also used to have sexual thoughts about animal and older men what does that all mean
@feema Mine is basically making any neutral situation that happened and making it seem like a proof.
@Ms.shelovesfrogs Like what can you please share
@Ms.shelovesfrogs It's annoying because I've never been sexually attracted to girls, I'm still not sexually attracted to them but my brain keeps on with the intrusive thoughts and compulsions ..it literally messing with me and making me think physical attraction is sexual attraction but it's not and I'm not in denial, I just don't desire girls but my brain won't let me rest
Almost as if my brain is being hypervigilant around them looking for signs
I im feeling scared asf my anxitey is at its peak and im shivering
Sorry about that(experienced this about two hours ago)
I need too know that I'm not insane, really. I am 16 and for the past two weeks, this has been completely ruining my health and happiness. I only recently came out as a lesbian like 3 months ago after a lot of confusion about my attraction since I used to think I liked men. At first, I felt so sure that I liked women, but lately, I've been having these unwanted thoughts about the possibility of liking men. I never used to feel this way, but now, every time I look at a man, my brain obsessively fixates on it. It forces me to imagine kissing him, loving him, things I donât want, and then tries to convince me that I do. Itâs painful. The thought of this fills me with fear and anxiety, leading to panic attacks and breakdowns. I donât want these thoughts. I hate them with every fiber of my being, but Iâm terrified that one day Iâll act on them and somehow like it. I used to think I liked men, but back then, I was in a very unhealthy space in a time of escapism and something deeply parasocial. Iâve only ever liked the attention and validation a man could give me, but these experiences are somehow treated as further proof that Iâm "bisexual." Iâve never been in a real relationship with anyone, which makes my brain constantly challenge meâtelling me, âYou donât even know what love feels like.â It wonât shut up. It keeps obsessively trying to make me prove that Iâm a lesbian, testing my reactions and questioning my certainty. Is this normal?
As a lesbian with SO-OCD, I feel so helpless. It's truly exhausting because no one I know understands what I'm going through. The first response is always, "You're just confused" or "You don't have to know yet." But that's not the issue, I do know. I just never see any lesbians with SO-OCD so I feel so invalidated. These thoughts flood my brain constantly, forcing me to analyze my reactions to every man I see. I feel trapped in an endless cycle of "testing" myself, trying to prove that I don't like them. But my brain fights back, telling me I do want to love a man, making it feel real even though don't want it. It's terrifying. At this point, it's hard to even hold onto my identity as a lesbian because I'm so overwhelmed. I don't know if this is what real attraction is supposed to feel like, and that fear eats away at me. The truth is, when I think about being with a man, all I feel is disgust and fear-but my brain twists that into doubt. I hate it. I'm at the point where I'm scared I'm going to have to accept something I don't want because I don't know if this will ever go away. I miss who I was before all this.
First I want to start off with, as a kid, my brother touched me inappropriately, I watched him do the same with my cousin, than later on I did the same to my cousin. I feel great shame for it and I have yet to forgive myself. Now, since than 10 years later, I have always loved women, fantasized about women, constantly prayed to have one and do things to be with one 1 day. I struggled with porn a lot as a kid because I was shown it at such a young age. I remember first watching lesbian porn, than moving to guy and girl, than countdowns, etc. I was so hooked that it took an identity crisis to end this porn addiction. (I have only been sober for 3 weeks.) Now I only mention this because I think my porn addiction somewhat ruined me, same way as what I did in the past did. A year ago, I started to talk to a childhood crush I had, and things felt so great. We started to get along but I knew all I wanted to do was have sex and move on as wrong as that is. I ended up falling in love with her and asked her to be my girl. 9 months in, we were having constant arguments and she had this problem where she couldnât give me a break. We were with each other 24/7 and it felt like dealing with a sister at some point. I remember talking to my friends and asking them what would they do and they always advised me to leave but I was not willing to because I knew I loved her and the way I was feeling was temporary and couples argue. Couple weeks in, I started to have these thoughts that we werenât going to work out and that I no longer found her attractive. I kinda ignored them because it simply wasnât true, I still found her attractive and would get hard ons for her yet, I still had this mindset that, âOh, thereâs other hotter girlsâ and, âYour ex looked so much better.â and I couldnât stop these thoughts. One day I randomly woke up and remembered what I did as a kid, my whole world felt like it flipped. The thoughts were now, âwhat if you donât like her because youâre secretly gay?â. I first laughed at the thought because of how ridiculous it sounded, but than it just kept going. Two weeks from a cycle of unwanted thoughts (1st stage of my ocd), I finally got over the thought with simple toughness and determination, I did lots of research on what was going on with me and went with the, âthoughts are just thoughtsâ method. I was doing well until we watch a netflix documentary âAmerican Murder: Gabby Petitoâ and all of a sudden my mind began to think, âWhat if Iâm secretly a psychopath and want to kill my gf?â. For about a week straight, Itâs all I was able to think about. It scared me so much and I didnât know what to do. I started to get urges to KILL my gf. I didnât know what to do so I left the room and crawled up in a ball, crying to god asking for help.These thoughts went away but were quickly replaced by, âYou want to kill your gf because youâre just gayâ. This sent me into such great panic, I couldnât eat for days and couldnât feel anything but anxiety. Days went by and I finally went to a doctor, at first I started to feel better as If I was getting help and things were going to be okay. The thoughts went away again as I began to start doing more things and get out of my room (head). I felt like I was back again, I was able to love my gf, I started to go to church, I felt that god was real and than boom. Here I am again and this time things have gotten really bad. I canât stop âcheckingâ. As soon as I wake up I check if my gf is âgoodâ enough for me. I check my past and see if I have ever done anything that show signs of being gay. I check out other girls and guys to see whether or not I like one or the other. Even when I accepted the possibility that maybe I am just gay, my mind will fight me and tell me that Iâm more than just gay. Truth is, I donât know anymore. Iâve always loved girls and my gf. I donât know if this is OCD anymore but I wish for my old life again. Iâve always been so proud of my sexuality and loved everything about it. I never been homophobic but gay stuff does make me uncomfortable. Each day feels like I lost another part of me. I feel like I canât live like this anymore. I lost all my belief in god, my morals and value feel so weak, and my life is no longer a fun enjoyable thing to look forward to. I need help.
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