fear of loved ones having done bad things in past

fear of my closed ones, like mother and father being secretely bad people or have done bad immoral things i cannot tolerate. now a doubt was brought up, what if my mother had intercourse with a much younger person in the past? i dont think she's that type of person, she isn't at all, but we all make mistakes when we're immature. and why does it suddenly feel real and true? i can't shake off the feeling that it could be true. now the seed doubt has been planted. how do i stop being doubtful? i feel like i need to clear it. i can't just maybe yes maybe not out of it. because a doubt like that becomes forever. and i dont want to have that doubt. i dont want to start doubting my mother, but the doubt is already set in stone. there is no evidence nor indicator of behaviour that she might have done something like that. what do i do? like there is this girl who i thought was an ok fun person, 2003, had an intercourse with my friend who's 2007. and she's a normal person, and she can become a mother in the future. a mother who has done something like that.

Wolfram

Date posted: 36w

Think of it this way, if you did something bad or ambiguously immoral would you want to be held accountable for that for the rest of your life, even if you've changed and become a better person? It wouldn't be the case of "oh well, if they treat me like I'm a bad person anyway regardless of the person I am now, what's the point of being a good one?" it'll just be a loss on both sides. People aren't born into this world with a chance. We are conditioned by factors before we can even talk and in most cases before we have long term memory. It's not their fault for the cards they have been dealt, and don't assume you know what cards they have because in the majority of people they don't even know everything that they've been dealt themselves. Also, people don't know why they do what they do. I used to think if someone said they were sorry but did the same thing then they didn't really mean it. Then finding out I had moral scrupulousity ocd, I did stuff that I apologised for and yet repeatedly did the same thing. I was genuinely sorry, I just didn't know I had a brain disorder and didn't know how to get better or that I even needed to. There's loads of factors of which you will most likely never know all of them. Context also helps. For an extreme example, I was ready to kill someone at one point when I was 14-15. I felt so much anger inside me. Out of context that sounds awful and you'd think why would anyone want to do that? I defended myself against someone who tried to SA me. Then the scenario all of sudden becomes less black and white. I didn't hurt him, the thoughts and feelings were not welcome and I had my dad's voice in my head saying to never beat up someone you're stronger than. The weird thing was that man was scared of me and that screwed with my head for years. How can a "predator" be scared of a "victim"? Everything is way more nuanced than the general public would like to believe. I feel if I didn't forgive that guy and myself I'd be suffering for the rest of my life. Justice isn't smiting every person that does an injustice. It's healing and taking the time to understand from all angles and from all parties involved. Holding someone accountable with a grudge does no good for anyone. I hope this helps. Moral scrupulousity sucks so all the best on your recovery journey

ivefailed.

Date posted: 36w

Thanks for your thoughtful answer, i really appreciated your insight. You're overall right, but I can't adopt this mindset, I really can't. For the first question, it depends, because my moral scrupolosity is connected to pocd, aside for some contexts, certain mistakes are not tolerable and you should be accountable for life, especially me because i cannot tolerate those things. So my untolerance in regards to moral scrupolosity is focused on that theme. I'm just surviving because of the hope that it is ocd or that i'm overestimating things that happened or remembering wrongly, or that it was not my fault depending on certain circumstances. It's the uncertainty that's keeping me alive. I pray that all those triggering episodes that happened to me were influenced by ocd and not me because I cannot tolerate the fact that I could felt attraction. I don't consider myself a good person. I don't think I deserve to be loved or to have a partner because of the stains I have after ocd and before in my past, real event ocd, when I was a kid and i was immature and there are things that i thought that currently disturb me and I cannot rationalise, and im still trying to compulsively "solve". I do have excessive moral scrupolosity to the point that my friends make fun of me, they poke fun of me having big morals. Like recently i stayed outside of a strip club while my friends entered because I didnt like the idea of women being exploited in that field of work, and I was made fun of. For what happened to you, I'm very sorry, I can't judge you at all for something like that, no one does, you had all the right in the world and you were so young, and you choose to not be consumed by the anger. I think that person that tried to do that to you would have deserved to die. Also for some reason I don't like bad people regretting their actions because it humanises them. Certain actions like that are not mistakes, they are voluntary actions that they partake in, and are unforgivable. My point of the post was also that I love my mother and i consider her pure, she's very kind and empathetic and a good soul. I'm afraid of the doubt, I'm afraid that this intrusive doubt that is very probably false not real is going to make me see her differently and I don't want that. "But what if is true, it could be". That's what bothers me, I cannot tolerate it, and I'd hate it. I also would hate that I'm accusing a pure and guiltless person of something based on no evidence and only due the fear of my ocd. I love my mother, ocd is trying to ruin her. but im also scared because of the chance that it could randomly be true all along. i don't know what to do.

Wolfram

Date posted: 36w

@Nameless000 I feel as you use yourself as the scale in which you judge others. You are the unit of measurement in which others are immoral/ moral. I think for whatever mistakes you made, if you truly found a way to forgive yourself you may be more forgiving of others. Feel free to ignore all that if you don't think it applies. As for people not regretting and wishing death upon people, does that not sound immoral? To deny someone their healing and redemption? If everyone did that, everyone would go to hell. I do agree, the actions of some people are despicable and some things need to be done in order to protect, but having had ocd and not wishing that on the worst person in the world, I cannot condone death as a form of justice, its just a failure of society. That guy who groomed and attacked me, I'd be willing to sit down and have a coffee with him and try to find out what led him down that path. Then with that information out stuff in place to prevent others suffering what happened on all ends ever again. There was a Ted talk a few years back that I saw where a woman got on stage with her r*pist and they both shared what they have learned in order to prevent that happening to anyone else. I don't like what the man did, but I respect the hell out of both of them for what they did on that stage. That's justice to me. Now, people are not always at fault for going down a wrong path. Some people have unfortunate starts in life. A kid for example that gets given heroine at the age of 12, is not at fault that he became an addict as he didn't understand the situation. However, years later when an adult, if they Rob someone to fuel that addict, they are still responsible for their actions. This goes for people with ocd, ptsd and whatever other coping mechanisms people can't help adopting. We aren't all at fault for the way we are, but we are to be held responsible for our actions. My father was in gangs when he was younger, my grandmother hated him from birth. He was caned every day at school and the first bit of praise he ever got was for beating up a bully. He made a habit of it. He got involved with other messed up people and his best friend got done for murder. My dad did some pretty shitty things too but not like that. He ended up homeless and everything. If he did not try to become a better person, he wouldn't have done so. Everyone else he knew that was homeless are now dead and who knows what their stories were 🤷‍♂️. He met my mother and I'm here because he turned his life around. People deserve chances for redemption. Everyone does, in one form or another. My father is the wisest and one of the kindest men I've ever known in my life. I cherish him because of his understanding of ambiguous morality. He would help anyone. He may have been a Hells Angel, but to me he's just an angel, a heavily tattooed one. As for you not knowing what to do. See an ocd specialist therapist. It helped me in ways I couldn't even fathom before I started. I did stuff to help people before because of my moral scrupulousity but it felt as if I had a gun to my head and my ocd was not trusting me to do the right thing no matter what I told it. Now I do stuff because I choose to, not because I'm forced to by a fear based brain disorder. I find I've been of greater help to those around me too because of it.

ivefailed.

Date posted: 36w

@Wolfram thank you man, i do agree that you're father is a good person. I hope you keep rocking

str4berrycoo...

Date posted: 24w

how i deal with the "what ifs" (+18)

i feel like i have been posting a lot about this and i will try to stop since now but i just don't know where to start or what to do, and i can't take therapy right now either. my event is about something that did actually happen; i had a boyfriend and we had a 1.5 age difference (i know this sounds stupid) but the thing is that we both started to sext a lot since he was 14 and i was 15. we shared audios videos pictures ect and i don't know how to just let this go, even when i know that i never really forced him into anything and i was always constantly worried about him being comfortable, when to stop and ect. the memories keep coming back to my mind and the guilt is eating me up slowly because i keep thinking that i'm a predator or a groomer or something like that. i don't know how to deal with the what ifs either, lately i haven't stopped thinking what if i sexually harassed or sexually exploited him or something like that. how do i deal with the cycle of guilt and constant what ifs if i also feel like my event is worse than others i've seen? please help me with this. it's getting a lil tiring and even if somedays i know how to deal with this, i still get really triggered sometimes. this wouldn't even bother me before, i wish i could just get back in time before this theme popped into my mind. my life has been a hell since then and i live constantly scared and suicidal.

Andi 🤓☝️

Date posted: 13w

Distressed 18+

I feel nauseous. Extremely sick, i cannot eat, cant sleep well, and I haven't enjoyed things I normally enjoy to cry in bed and spiral for several days already. I feel extremely anxious over my past real events. I remembered something extremely triggering. I used to be morbidly curious about crimes and like I remember when i was a younger teen I watched a dark documentary that honestly i shouldnt have watched. There was this extremely weird scene and i think i felt weirded out but also a little aroused? but only bc I was thinking "lucky, shes already having sex. I wish I was her so i could experience it too." The poor person was like 1-3 years younger than me at the time. I KNOW how wrong that is now i legit feel like im going to throw up rn. Anyway I think I felt a little aroused??? And I think I touched myself a little bit and imagined myself in her place? I dont think I enjoyed it bc i remember it felt forced and weird and i stopped. I never did it again. I feel so sick! I would NEVER watch a documentary like that now as an adult and think or touch myself to it thats just so wrong but im scared that this is a sign im a sicko/p. I remmeber crying at the end of the documentary bc I felt disturbed by the contents but i still put some in my watch later out of morbid curiosity to see more real cases of these crimes bc they scared me. I never watched them again though. It only happened once and it was before my ocd started which SCARES me even more!!! And i wouldnt watch them as an adult either theyre too disturbing! I regret it so badly and feel like a monster bc it was messed up. Like what was wrong with me?! Theyre extremely disturbing to me and I rather avoid such content bc its triggering to my ocd but im afraid now like was that a sign of me possibly being a p? Am I a monster??? Am I in denial? Is this even ocd?! I feel so much shame and guilt it's killing me. 😔

ivefailed.

Date posted: 29d

something bad happened +18, NOT a groinal response

help. it all happened too very fast. i was having a random b*ner, and i wanted to stop it by forcing an er*ction so it would go down afterwards, i had also seen a yt short of cyberpunk 2077 phantom liberty, in which a beautiful redheaded character appears, and i had random thought abt how maybe she wouldn't be truly that pretty and it was just make up. i imagined a scenario in which i had an okay looking girlfriend but that would look very hot with make up on, and i thought that was the perfect scenario to release the b*ner by momentarily forcing an erection and as i did that i remembered a highschool crush i had of a girl older than me that i found very beautiful and i distinctly remember being excited to see her with make up on, and this memory associated immediately. it went like this -> imagine girlfriend that is beautiful with make up on as i prepare to have an er*ction -> this reminds me just like that time in highschool -> the positive memory of my crush appears as i force an er*ction to happen at the same time without thinking too much (this all happens in a span of a millisec) i don't know how but my brain didn't register that memory as a threat, i had forgotten the context, it didn't even cross my mind that it happened years ago in highschool, i just had this memory. now im worried that i committed a horrible disgusting act. the erection wasn't caused by the memory of the crush, i planned it to happen with a safe image and that image of the crush appeared as i remembered and it didn't register it as a threat and this just happened; because i don't believe i was aroused by the memory, i was just remember that she was pretty. i don't know if it was just coincidence. it wasn't intentional, but now im disgusted at myself. there are 3 possibilities: 1. i already had made the conscious decision to force an erection from the scenario before and as the memory appeared, as it all happened in a millisecond, i didn't have enough time to process it with its due context and i didnt perceive that memory as triggering or something inappropriate and for my brain it was okay to be in the background while the er*ction happened. 2. it happened in one second, the conscious decision was already made from the scenario before so the er*ction randomly happened during the remembrance 3. worst case: in the moment of the er*ction as i remembered the crush i put myself in those shoes of the young me and as the memory happened very fast i forgot the context and the distance of the period frame in which had happened (long ago) and since i remembered her being older than me i still perceived in that fragment of the memory that way, and since i was in the memory itself i found her attractive normally, indistinguishably and separated from the present time, and for that split second i perceived her normally as if i was attracted to a girl in my present time, it literally felt a "normal" perception of a girl i liked and i didn't realise it wasn't the case; and my mind since it lacked the necessary context it allowed it to be non dangerous and not wrong to force an erection, and i realised it was a mistake only after it happened hence the panic... so it all happened before processing the context of the time in which had happen that would result as inappropriate. im afraid that the 3. is what happened and that it is unacceptable.

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fear of loved ones having done bad things in past

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