Grooming

I have no idea anymore. I guess this all started with me worrying about whether I was gay, then whether I was a P, then worried about being just attracted to teenagers. After that I started freaking out about not feeling “grown up” enough. Like “I’m an adult wtf is wrong with me for seeing someone who is probably younger and thinking they’re physically attractive. Then I started overthinking not finding older adults (like 30 or 40) very attractive. Like ofc I’m probably not gonna find them attractive, they’re not anywhere close my age. Maybe the desires are half real. Maybe as a 21 yr old young adult I do find older teenagers (16+) somewhat physically attractive. I still think it’d be weird to date one. Maybe that’s the normal reaction I’m supposed to have. If not, please let me know. I just don’t wanna do anything illegal one day and I’m super scared I will. I can’t tell if the fear is my just being afraid of the law though, in which case I might actually just be a bad person. I hate that my brain is just rationalizing thoughts now. I feel like I can’t do the ERP thing of “just accept that the thoughts are there but don’t engage.” Like what? How can I just think a thought that might be so integral to my identity and just ignore it? If it’s all true and I don’t like people my age anymore then I have to know and plan around that, that could change my entire life. I’m rambling, my b.

hi so i was friends for like 3 years with a girl two years younger than me, when i was 16 she was 14. but we didn't feel the age gap at all and i mostly felt like she's more 'mature'than me so we got along, she was pretty mean to ne thought all our friendship. she was texting with on girl like she was 18 or whatever? and she was rlly weird towards her and we were bpth making fun of thst girl calling her a groomer cuz she was acting this way. but im scared because I didn't do anythin about it sure i told her she's weird and she should stop texting her but it was more jokingly so she didn't listen probably, we could never talk normally like no jokingly. we were dating at some point tho when i was 15(age of consent in my country) she was 13 and yeah we were jokingly like flirting and also i guess sexual jokes or sharing nsfw art..was that illegal or something? i never tried to hurt anyone and all our friendship was online and mostly jokingly cuz we never could be serious about eachother cuz she was pretty rude. i asked her if i groomed her or whatever and she said smth like i can't even groom anyone since im 15 or whatever and that I didn't but still i asked her to like delete conversations out of ocd compulsion or whatever and she did was annoyed tho that im being paranoid again. we don't have contact now, i brooe it cuz she was pretyy toxic but did i groom her? ik grooming is a form of manipulation and i didn't manipulate her at all but yeah

im posting a lot about it, i was online dating with one peson whocwas 13(14 in a week) and i was 15, they knew that, we talked about lots of stuff and for some reason after we broke up i was scared i was grooming there without any intention. so when we got contact again because i contacted them again my ocd like kinda forced me i need to tell them that i am 14 too, just to like fix it or be safe or whatever, and after i told them that i also asked if i groomed them or if they felt groomed also as a compulsion and i added like i think "i know it's one year but" like im already expecting an aswer which was 'no'. and im scared this wws some sort of manipulation and i know i shouldn't ask for reassurance but i feel like i need it i just need to know if it was some sort of sexual assault. i didn't lied about my age to use them I didn't even want to lie but i felt i need to or else they'll tell somebody i abused them even tho i know that either way no matter if i lied or noy they'd say I didn't and they also don't even remember me anymore but im so terrified i did all because of ocd I didn't want to lie or manipulate i know it wqs wrong but just tell me was that abusive