Emotional contamination (21+)

So my OCD mainly involves real (terrible) events in my life that happened about 5 years ago. When I was 20, I was not a good person. I lacked empathy and did a lot of really shitty things that I would do anything to undo. One of the biggest things I’m struggling with in regards to this is emotional contamination. During this part of my life, I wasn’t afraid to show off for validation from inappropriate sources. This led to me involving so many of my interests in my bad actions. For example, my biggest hobby is dance. I’ve danced since I was a child, and I just got back into taking classes regularly last year. During the time of my event, I sent a video of me dancing inappropriately to someone I shouldn’t have while in a relationship with my girlfriend (who I am still with- she knows everything). This is just one small part of the whole event (my whole event is regarding infidelity with the same person I sent the video to), and once again I know that was a disgusting thing to do and I wish I could take it back. My girlfriend forgives me and doesn’t think think I should let this association impact my desire to dance. But I feel so guilty after I finish a class. I feel so guilty that I feel my absolute best when I’m dancing, but I’ve tainted that by using it as a way to hurt my girlfriend and seek male attention in the past. I know that my guilt surrounding my infidelity is normal, healthy, and deserved. I feel awful even talking about it in relation to my OCD, and it constantly makes me feel like I should not be posting here because my event is serious and not all that OCD related. But so much of ME is tied up in this event. So many things I loved now feel wrong. Dancing, baking, some of my favorite music/TV shows/video games, certain phrases, etc. There is usually at least a hint of feeling like I’ve committed a betrayal all over again any time I engage with anything I loved during that period of my life. I’m sorry for the rant. I could just use someone to relate to. Maybe this is how I’m supposed to feel. Maybe I should stop trying to reclaim those things. Maybe trying to do these interests anyway even though I misused them in the past is just another betrayal. Maybe I’m telling myself these associations are partially OCD, but the guilt is actually a sign that I need to let go of these things and cut ties with all of past me’s “stuff”. Even though my girlfriend says it’s ok to reclaim these things, it feels like an act of selfishness. “Oh, I’ll create terrible, hurtful associations with all of my hobbies and traits and then continue to try to enjoy them after the fact!” It just feels so fucked up. I feel like it’s only right to start over with things I haven’t ruined. But with things like dance, I don’t know how I could let go. It has been a part of me for so long, it is one of my biggest joys, and I used it to hurt the person I love. This whole post sounds very “poor me”. I promise that my biggest concern isn’t “wahhh, I can’t do my hobbies anymore!”. It’s simply how to move forward in life while inhabiting the same body and soul as my greatest enemy. I don’t want any sympathy, and I understand if this post leaves a nasty aftertaste. I’m sorry to everyone that has had to put up with someone like me, and I truly hope that if you’ve been on the other end of actions like mine, you find genuine healing and happiness.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 29w

Hey, I'm sorry to hear about all of this. I'm not exactly sure on what advice to give but I can relate to worrying about bad things that have happened and our minds figure so much on the things we didn't do right or the regrets we wish we could take back.

garba

Date posted: 29w

@BigGyro09 thank you so much for commenting :) I see your posts sometimes and all I think when I see them is that I wish I could offer you some form of peace or relief for what you’re going through. You seem like a genuinely kind person. I struggle with a lot of the same themes as you, and it truly is hell. I know this one is kind of different because emotional infidelity is a disgusting and damaging thing so it doesn’t even seem like I can consider it part of my “real event” OCD, but I’ve been trying everything I can for about 4 years now and I just don’t know how to proceed :/ I feel like ERP does help (because my main compulsions are confessing every single negative action/thought I’ve ever had, as well as seeking reassurance and researching online for hours). My girlfriend is genuinely doing better since I’ve started trying to limit my compulsions because my constant confessing and reconfessing and ruminating and “I can’t remember exactly, but I there’s a possibility I had this terrible thought at the time” was wearing her down. It’s just so hard to limit my compulsions because they feel like the morally correct thing to do. She has to know every single detail, otherwise her informed consent is completely removed and she knows nothing about me. It’s exhausting, especially when all of the resources available for my situation say “continue digging into this until you find out exactly what’s wrong with you to make you fuck up so bad”. I dug for years, and it feels wrong to try to stop. Since actually treating these confession compulsions like OCD and not relying on her to bear the burden of every negative/bad/weird thought I’be ever had, our lives have improved so much. But there’s always a voice nagging me saying I’m just ignoring my problems and I still don’t fully understand what a piece of shit I was :) Idk dude. Sorry for the long ass rant. But this is a rant safe space, so if you need to rant about anything I am here to support you!

BigGyro09

Date posted: 29w

@aneyh It sounds like we the very least, you are aware that these compulsions are not only compulsions, but they bother you and without engaging in them, things improve for you and your girlfriend. I'm glad to hear that at least not engaging has been helping. It reminds me of the struggles I have with myself with negative filtered thinking. That's the absolute worst for me. I KNOW they're false, but it doesn't make it hurt any less or take away how real the belief feels. I don't really know why this has been a problem for so long, but all I know is that self esteem is really important for this stuff

Gremlin of D...

Date posted: 24w

@aneyh - Hello, I know that your post is 4 weeks old, but I just wanted to say that your posts have made me feel like I'm not alone. You said, "She has to know every single detail, otherwise her informed consent is completely removed and she knows nothing about me. It’s exhausting, especially when all of the resources available for my situation say “continue digging into this until you find out exactly what’s wrong with you to make you fuck up so bad”." ...this is exactly what I am feeling at the moment. And, I am dwelling so much on past mistakes that I feel like this must not be OCD. This is just guilt and it's deserved.

bkelp213

Date posted: 22w

Can’t function for all my guilt

I’ve done things in the past few years that I’m not proud of - only a couple of things I can think of and they didn’t directly hurt anyone at least with is relieving (but maybe indirectly they sort of did or could’ve which makes me hate myself because why did I do that… *how* could I do that…) If I could back and stop those things from happening, I would. I may not have thought about what I was doing at the time, so I didn’t really recognize that they weren’t okay, but that doesn’t excuse them, and I would smack some sense into my past self if I were able. I feel like if anyone knew what I‘ve done, they wouldn’t want anything to do with me. They’d write me off as worthless. And maybe they should to be honest. Now yet another thing has come up - I haven’t done anything, but I had an intrusive thought pop up that made me *think* about doing something and this would be unforgivable in my opinion. Though, to be honest, the things I’ve done before are also somewhat unforgivable in my opinion… 😞 Regardless, I don’t want to do it because I don’t think it’s okay, but I worry deep down that I do. Or that I’m looking for an excuse to make it okay to do. I don’t know, it’s complicated. And I’m upset I even thought about it. I wish I had never seen the thing that triggered that intrusive thought. Yet another thing I would stop if I could. I’ve tried to not think about it or focus on it, but it doesn’t work. Even if it goes away, it just comes back again. I just keep thinking about it and it’s overwhelming. Anyway all of the guilt of this is killing me. I feel like an irredeemably terrible person and it makes me want to give up. I can’t get on with life because it’s paralyzing. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, and at this point, it feels like I don’t deserve to just move on. I can’t live with myself and I feel like I don’t deserve anything anymore. I know a lot of this is probably OCD, but I’m not sure all of it is and I don’t know what to do… if I spoke to a therapist about it, I don’t think I could bring myself to say what I’ve done or what thoughts I’ve had. But if I was told to move on by someone who didn’t know the truth, I would worry they wouldn’t really say that if they knew. Agh, it’s all just a mess 😞

ughhhh

Date posted: 22w

I feel gross interacting with adult content.

18+ people with this thread please. I just want some advice from people who have experienced this. Its been almost 2 years since my real event and i can confidently say that i feel a bit better about that and my thoughts. (We still have bad moments but we recover.) but, ever since then and before, i feel nasty and gross whenever i engage or interact with adult content. Like this nasty guilt or feeling like i cant interact with it because then my ocd says “this proves that your thoughts are true and your perverse” and after i always feel empty and disgusting. Besides things like that, i read adult fan fiction sometimes or even write stories for my original characters. And yesterday i shared these stories with a close in person friend of mine. (Were both in college) and they were fine about it we laughed about it but then after i felt guilty-my brain was telling me “you traumatized her she just doesn’t wanna tell you” obliviously this isn’t true but im having a hard time believing it and this morning i woke up with a deep dread that i hurt a friend and im horrible. I can say that they’re more positive about these things then me and i think thats why we got into the conversation and i felt comfortable to share these stories but i just can’t get over it. I have a strong urge to ask for reassurance but i know it wont help. I literally have no one else to talk to about this. Ive spoken to my therapist about this guilt with adult content and we have yet to expand on it especially how it goes hand in hand with my asexuality. My therapist tells me its human to feel things like this and its ok to perform self care like that and again-im a human person its usually normal for 19 year olds to be like this especially for someone my age but i dont feel normal. I feel nasty. Does anyone else feel this way? How did you confront this guilt and how did you feel comfortable again interacting with these feelings and actions again? I dont really have a desire to do s*xual things often (im on the asexual spectrum) but when i do i dont want to feel like this. Especially when my ocd types effect it. Advice is needed and appreciated thank you for your help.

frana

Date posted: 19w

When I Went Too Far Trying to Be Understood

Hi. I am going through something really hard right now, and I could use some insight, especially from others who deal with OCD and morality-based spirals. There was a time during a really emotional conversation with my boyfriend when he said something incredibly painful. He said something like he only felt lust for me but did not feel love anymore. I was completely crushed. It felt like everything I believed about our relationship was ripped out from under me. In that moment, I told him that what he said felt like rape. I want to be really clear. I knew even then that it was not a good or accurate comparison. It was not assault. I was trying to express how emotionally violated and broken I felt, and that word came out. I even labeled it directly, not just compared it, and that is what has been haunting me. I feel like I kept going along with it, not because I wanted to lie or manipulate, but because I felt like if I backed down from it, he would not understand the depth of how hurt I was. He didn’t seem to understand any other way. Later, when we tried to be intimate again, I told him not to touch me. And even though a part of me did want closeness, I still felt like I had to react that way, like I had to follow through with what I had said earlier. I wanted so bad for him to understand the impact of his words. That part is killing me. It makes me feel like I was not being authentic, that I was performing a reaction instead of living it. I feel like I acted like a survivor when I was not one, and I hate myself for that. Now, OCD is eating me alive over it. It keeps telling me I am a liar, a manipulator, and someone who cannot be trusted. And it feels so real. But I also know I was hurting. I was not trying to deceive anyone. I was just overwhelmed, desperate to be understood, and probably influenced by years of invalidation from my family over almost everything. I have talked to my boyfriend about it and apologized. He told me he understands and forgives me. But I cannot forgive myself, and I do not know if what I did is forgivable. Has anyone ever been in a similar place? I feel so so awful this was 3 years ago. Now I feel like I can’t trust any of my emotions. I’m analyzing every reaction, past and present, trying to decide if it was “real enough” or if I was somehow dishonest. It feels like OCD has completely hijacked my sense of self. Please help :(

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Emotional contamination (21+)

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