Rocd or actual incompatibility?

I broke up with my boyfriend of 5 months. I remember having chemistry before something actually happened between us but as soon as it did, the spark was gone for me. I also remember that since the beginning, it bothered me that conversation wasn't as easy between us and we spent several moments in silence. But the thing is that i didn't see him as a friend. I liked him, hell i still do. I was just looking for an emotional connection that never came for me and now i think that my obsessive doubts were the thing that prevented me from feeling something more and enjoying myself altogether. Now i miss him, but i feel like he should be with someone that reciprocates his feelings. I had just lost my grandpa when we got together and he was really supportive. Actually, during those 5 months, this is the most i've ever been actively loved by another human being. Also, it was my first ever legitimate relationship. He was patient, loving and super understanding. I'm 22. A week after we started dating, when we hadn't even said we were official yet, i was having these doubts about my feelings towards him already. So i told him, in an attempt to not waste his time. He said that it was too soon and that we just have to see how it goes between us. In general, i really like being honest and brutally so, because otherwise i feel like i'm deceitful and can't stand living with myself. I would tell a white lie about liking someone's new hairstyle but when it comes to intrusive thoughts and doubts about serious things, i can't lie. After 3 months, i told him i still didn't have feelings for him and that i needed to be honest with him. He said he sees otherwise by my actions but i genuinely didn't feel in love. I had fun though most of the time. We almost broke up that day because i felt like there was no point in continuing and the thoughts were making my body feel immense anxiety that i had to somehow stop. After that, even though we didn't break up, i had one of the worst weeks of my life. I would be waking up by 'voices' telling me to break up and creating scenarios of me doing it. I couldn't eat, sleep, exist. I felt like my body was shutting down. In the end, the feeling faded and we decided that i needed to just experience the relationship and not think about anything else. I achieved that for a bit by dismissing my thoughts, but at month 4, all the obsessive and intrusive doubts came back and suddenly i felt trapped in the relationship, like we had nothing to talk about even though that's not entirely true and that there was no point into continuing. I set mental dates that i would be breaking up with him that would change overtime and didn't engage in sex, because i felt like that would be deceiving him. Staying in the relationship felt like deceiving him. Even though i had confessed my doubts a lot of times. There still was no emotional connection for me and my attempts to create one didn't work because i was forcing it. The fact that we didn't like all the same things or had the same hobbies suddenly was such an obstacle for me, even though i know we aren't supposed to date our clones. I also have an immense fear of death and not making the right decisions before it happens. So that made me question the relationship more. I couldn't keep feeling anxious and obsessed with doubt anymore, for my own well-being. So i broke up. The first two days i felt such peace, the contrast between that level of anxiety and the post break up situation was immense. But then i started breaking down. I miss him and can't picture him with someone else, but still feel like even if we got back together, i wouldn't be able to bury the thoughts and wouldn't enjoy myself, hurting him and myself once again. Do you think this is some type of avoidance, rocd, a mix of the two or actually lack of compatibility and connection? I can't help daydreaming about us meeting again and trying again under different circumstances. I know he's a catch. Maybe i'm grieving the potential of the relationship instead of the actual one? Either way i feel like my confusion hurt him enough already, despite his patience. He still wants to get back together though. If you read all this, thank you for your patience. It felt kind of relieving writing it down, so i used you as a human diary.

bdads27

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 28w

well i definitely think its complicated and there’s no right answer. we can’t just label it as one thing and it’s up to you in the end to figure it out and process it without a timeline. i went through something very similar as you and in my own experience with this particular situation there’s a combination of a few things. the first i would say is that rocd plays a role in this even when you feel better because you’re afraid of it coming back, and avoidant and anxious attachment behaviors typically follow this sort of thing because you really want it to work. then there’s the age old question of compatibility which imo makes your ocd worse sometimes. something that has fully grounded me in this journey is understanding that i’ll always have these thoughts but someone that’s compatible with me: identifies and see the things i love about myself and helps me bring those things out more. it sounds like there’s genuine care and love but that right now you have to personally take a minute to understand what all of this means for you. i.e what does being in a relationship that’s healthy and navigating it mean for you, what do YOU need to show yourself care and love, etc. there’s loads about yourself to explore in this moment right now. don’t give yourself or expectations or visions on what you should do, let what ever happens and what you WANT happen.

bdads27

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 28w

@bdads27 and if right now you don’t know what that is…take you time, don’t make any rash decisions. your feelings are real and valid. if it’s any help i too broke up with my partner for 5 months before we tried again and since then it’s been a huge journey of self discovery and recovery. i’m free to talk more if you want because even tho i know im on the road to recovery these thoughts still occurs for me

Anonymous

Date posted: 28w

@bdads27 Thank you so much for your lengthy response! What were you feeling post break up that made you try it again?(if you don't mind sharing) The thing is i can never trust my feelings. Ever. For example, this morning i was crying and right now, after going out with a friend, i feel like i can't even imagine his face. And it's only been 6 days. If your feelings are always so over the place and contradicting each other, how do you know which one to follow? When it comes to the compatibility part, he didn't really bring out what you're explaining. I felt like he wasn't as creative, so i never shared my creative interests with him that much. He never sang or danced or was goofy and we didn't really laugh together. These are the things i think about when it comes to compatibility, i was lacking those. At times i tried to change him but quickly realized that wasn't right, plus it felt unnatural. And i don't think that's rocd, something was lacking. But maybe i just never really expressed myself enough to see how he would react/not react to the real me. For example, if i saw that he didn't enjoy rock music, i just stopped playing it altogether. I don't know, i feel like my doubts controlled 90% of this relationship. In the end, i wasn't enjoying myself to the fullest, i never felt in love, so maybe it's for the best. I just really wanted it to work.

bdads27

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 28w

@Anonymous hey! okay so a lot to unpack here. it sounds to me like we’re a lot in the sense that we’ve experienced a lot of all over the place feelings and emotions on our situations and have sometimes not been able to ground ourselves in what we want or feel that we want. this takes huge efforts and work in grounding yourself in values and understanding that you are allowed to be happy and deserve to be. listen when my partner and i tried again i had to really work and fight to be with her, to be honest it didn’t always come easy. i was anxious and scared of my thoughts and loosing control. the hardest parts ARE those feelings of lacking connection and emotions towards and ARE those periods of all over the place emotions where you’re so in your mind that youre just not sure. but the thing is: you’re never going to be sure. there’s truly never going to be certainty and there will always be doubt. compatibility is what we decide it is i won’t tell you what the means for you but i can tell you that the behavior of shutting off personality points such as your rock music is something to think about. maybe consider asking why you feel that it’s just not worth saying anything in the first place or why we as people with rocd tend to dull out the best parts of ourselves. it’s okay to feel like you wanted it to work and this time it didn’t. make peace with that and just exist for the time being. sometimes we need to reframe ourselves and minds before we truly decide to commit. all in all it sounds like you’ve made the decision that for now suites you best! it takes having the will to get through those feelings of disconnection and understanding that your requiring your brain in recovery to trust, and be present in a way for relationships that you probably haven’t. i also was not able to do that at one point. i literally have been with my partner for a year now and have just begun feeling balanced and comfortable and free in my mind to commit and live in this relationship to the fullest after the last 4 years being complete hell for me. it took getting over a lot of guilt to be able to say that but i’ve grown so much and im so happy i pushed through, ive had the best support. stick with your treatment and the right things will come for you💗 all the love

vvuong

Date posted: 25w

ROCD or my values to break up?

I've been in this relationship for 1.5 yrs on and off and what I like about her is She's smart, beautiful, cleans, she says she loves me, she cooks for me. But what I noticed about this person from the beginning is that she is negative about her past, such as getting her things stolen, going to mental hospitals back to back and people did her wrong. And I was there to be there for her such as when she is in pain, I take her to doctors, or whatever I can do to make her feel better. But I've noticed throughout the relationship that she checks on my phone and checks if im talking to someone. And always mixes up with her memory thinking I cheating on her on the relationship.. honestly her memory is not clear. Most of the time she would ask me am I talking to a girl or when I do uber do I casual talk to them, and the conversation I have is just about, How's the neighborhood here? The food around here. About God.. Nothing flirtatious what's so ever. But she always give me a conversation about other women. 2x I spoke to her about my ocd. (1st time I broke up with her because she was angry at me, and I can understand and so I broke it off) One was sexual thoughts during sex 2nd time (is an ex theme) Because I know she hates these subjects so I avoid it. This is why I tell myself don't have these thoughts, the more I don't want them, it appears in my awareness and it causes me emotional distress. I've told her about it (it could be a compulsion) she wasn't happy and seemed mad about it. So I just feel like just call it quits... because I've tried my very best to get rid of these thoughts and don't want to give her pain. I can understand why she is angry and that she loves me ( she reaches out and wants to work things out ) But what I truly do not like is when she gets mad when there are no problems such as that uber issue, she would say ok if you do that I'll talk to guys then, (in my head, what do you mean? In what way? I wasn't flirtatious or anything) What I believe is how we grew up and raised different. Throughout the relationship, when we argue (mostly about women, about her issues like who are you texting is it a girl? She would vent all the time about how she hates her workplace and jumps from job to job) My beliefs if we love each other, we should encourage each other to grow. there is no reason to opposing us from growing - to be angry, jealous, arguments etc. I do believe in God. That is why most of the time I feel like she is always talking about the past mistakes - she talked down on me about being with a prostitute - 7 yrs ago (way before this relationship started). She curses alot.. And for all these reasons I should quit the relationship. But she has the nerve to say I am unstable and that she is tired of hearing I keep kicking her out the house (it didn't happen, but she doesn't realize my needs - as in why aren't we growing from this area? - as in why are you always mad at people from work? Or why do you get annoyed all the time? I give her advice in these areas but she knows im tired of hearing about this. So she talks to her family about it. But i realized she wanted me to care for her... i do but i also do tough love... we cant just vent 24/7.) And when I told her about my ocd and broken up due to the fact of having sexual images ( I can't control it) She moved to TX and I visited her a couple times. She said she is suffering without me. And so i took her back. She don't like to talk about exes so the theme ex stuck in my head and I wanted to get rid of it. That's what cause the second breakup. I confessed to her about my problems of why the breakup happened and it seemed like she couldn't accept it , she does not understand ocd and she said she don't care. I blocked her and she was going to send me a message saying she will be there for me and love me alot and wants to grow together. But I am still resentful for what happened. Til this day I'm still afraid of her and my thoughts whenever I'm around her. -- Now she wants to marry me.. but I'm unsure because it seems forceful and that she doesn't understand what I'm going through. Even when we communicate I feel she will judge me for my ocd (even when i look for help) and I feel resentful because I feel like I did nothing wrong. There is no other woman involved, no cheating. It's just my ocd and she keeps saying I think of my ex all the time. I am not trying to hold on to flaws but thinking back of her patterns haunts me. I love her. We have seperated for months and she said she is having problems with the landlord.. So it tells me something why is she having problems with other people alot?? Whenever she's around my ocd flares up, when she's not around I feel ease but in a week, I would feel like I miss her and want to be back with her again... it's really confusing -- Today, I did ERP and the thought appeared less but she wants to be back with me and move in with me. And also marry me. But today I've been thinking of her flaws (angry, suspect me alot if there is another woman, use petty things when there arent any real issue.. the real issue is she is annoyed all the time). We say we love each other. I do love her. Sometimes I want to quit permanently, sometimes I don't. I'm confused, is this OCD? I don't know if I should stay with her. Thanks for reading my post. Any advice is appreciated. I'll also message this to my therapist. I dont feel distressed about breaking up, but can these thoughts lead you to breaking up? ( I think I answered my own question but need to know)

Firefly girl

Date posted: 23w

Rocd and Soocd

Every morning I wake up im always fixating on something and texting chat gpt, whether thats my relationship or my sexuality. I try so hard to resist it but I just can’t handle the uncertainty or the idea of hurting him or leading him on. We aren’t even official because in the past my rocd caused an issue between us where it led to him breaking up with me so now I have a fear of his intentions being ingenuine, especially because friends and family have called him a love bomber, saying he used me for attention, and narcissistic. This takes over me because I feel like I will never be able to be happy with him or trust myself or the relationship because of what other people say. I am very content on my own and single, this is the first relationship where i have experienced debilitating anxiety and doubt about the legitimacy of both of our feelings to the point where I cannot function. I’m trying so hard to not feed into it and not give it energy but I just hate the idea of leading him on or being inauthentic to what I truly want. My current therapist who I only see a couple times a month doesn’t think I have ocd, which makes me spiral and think I should end it with him, especially because I always hear things like “The right relationship will add to your life” and I feel the opposite is happening not directly because of him but because my brain takes over and paralyzes me with indecision about if i should be with him or not. I know that his intentions are genuine, but I hate that everyone is so cynical and assumes they’re not just because my rocd and his emotional baggage created a messy situation. From the moment i met him I convinced myself it was too good to be true and my therapist even said I was self-sabatoging. But i hate not knowing if it is rocd and my insurance doesn’t cover NOCD. He is so patient with me and supportive but I keep hearing things like “the honeymoon stage is supposed to last 3 months” and “it shouldn’t be this hard with the right person” “you’re not good for each other” and my friends tell me i didnt do anything wrong etc bc he did at first say my ocd didnt affect him when in reality that led to him ending it initially. But he has been more upfront with his emotions but then my mom and people will say “more to come” “there’s so much more out there” and its just so isolating not having that support and wondering if im too young to settle and if I’m just an idiot convincing myself I have rocd when really i just don’t want to be with him/it is a toxic relationship. When in reality the only reason it is toxic is because i am so sporadic about whether or not I want him in my life because of my distrust in myself and my decisions. I love him but I know love isn’t always enough and I get existential fixating on what’s “meant to be” and what’s “supposed to happen” its like this debilitating urge to control everything and make everything go perfectly how it is supposed to go. Please help i just want to make the right decision and stop paralyzing myself with doubt

Anonymous

Date posted: 20w

is it rocd or just a relationship?

hey you guys i’m new to the app, i just wanted to come on here and share part of what i’ve been struggling with recently- around the beginning of 2024 i started having intrusive thoughts and they completely took over my life to the point where i began planning my suicide once i had finished out some of my commitments for that year. during that time i met this girl and we began texting and keeping in touch with each other every single day since last february. (tw suicide) unfortunately i did have to spend some time in a hospital after i attempted suicide in may of 2024 and i never really knew if this girl was into me or if she even liked girls but we kept talking up until the end of october where we finally said we liked each other. immediately i could tell smth was wrong bc i was shaking and crying and completely scared because i wanted to be very clear that i couldn’t commit to a relationship and then i disclosed to her i was in the hospital in may and i still hadn’t fully recovered from that (#stillhavent #butiwillsoitsokay😛) and i felt awful that i had responded to such an amazing moment like that andever since then i had been plagued with these constant thoughts about not liking her, being straight (which i still don’t know and fully branched out into SOOCD and i have an incredibly hard time distinguishing what is OCD and what is genuinely true about my sexuality because ive never really felt like this for a girl) and for about 4 months we went out on dates where i felt absolutely horrible because i felt like i wasn’t acting like myself or i was being rude to her or i was more attracted to male passerby’s than her or i accidentally thought something about her that just felt so mean and horrible. i also convinced myself it could never work because i couldn’t picture her face and that continued for the first two months, but then i decided to call things off at the beginning of march because i just couldn’t handle debating if i actually liked her if i was gay if i was a horrible person and if i was wrong for all the things i thought every single day and currently we’re on a break because i tried to call things off and she kind of talked me out of it in a very kind and understanding way. i just hate leaving her in limbo because at the end of the day i just want her to be happy because she is an amazing incredible and sweet person and if i wasted more of her time i’d feel even more awful. kinda long lowk… if u read all this thank u and lmk what u think:)

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Rocd or actual incompatibility?

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