andrewt_

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 27w

Should I just accept that this is who I am?

I believe I am the first person to ever act on intrusive thoughts. Someone was handing me something and at first I was repeating to myself I was just reaching for the object but right when I grabbed it I stopped repeating it to myself and I imagined it to be something else. I think I unlocked this evil side of me and maybe somehow, I thought the object was genitals and tried to touch it or something. Idk. Which doesn’t really make a whole lot of sense, but I’m not that smart so let’s say I’m this psycho and maybe that’s what I thought I was doing. Or just by thinking about possibly doing the action I tricked myself into thinking that’s what was happening. I have no desire to do that though but maybe I did it randomly? Which also doesn’t make sense but that’s my theory right now. Obviously I just took the object and that’s it but I probably had evil intentions and was unsuccessful in my attempt to do something horrible. I know I’ve posted about this before but I’m paralyzed with shame. I’m diagnosed with OCD but I must have snapped. So I’ve accepted that I’m a monster and that I don’t deserve to live anymore

Martino

Date posted: 27w

Ban rumination of the situation,let the feelings and thoughts be there and let them go by themselves as they came in.Don’t analyse and try to figure out .With time your brain will learn to let go.Accept every sanstions your body is sending you.Accept all thoughts..without any judgements

andrewt_

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 27w

@Martino Thank you so much for your advice, I just feel it’s too risky to accept uncertainty since I could be a monster

Boss34

Date posted: 27w

@andrewt_ You know rite from wrong, and it scares you, you are NO monster! This OCD Is the monster, and God knows the real you!

Martino

Date posted: 27w

@andrewt_ - Follow this.Record yourself telling yourself that you are a monster.I am a monster to have done this —— I will never be accepted. Since this is your first fear for now (being a monster)You have to expose that and don’t answer or negotiate with what your mind is going to tell you.You anxiety will go all the way above and thats what we want.Lower it without answering what your mind is telling you.Listen to the recording 10 times every morning at lunch and dinner time.We are learning to expose ourselves to the event without responding to our brain’s cries, we are learning to tolerate the discomfort and going on with our lives.The brain will gradually learn that tis isn’t a threat and will finally let go with time .don’t expect this to let go all the symptoms right away.The brain will learn with time to let go

andrewt_

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 27w

@Martino This is such great advice, thank you so much for taking the time to comment it means a lot to me! I think I’m going to try that, I know it’s the right thing to do

andrewt_

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 27w

@Boss34 Thank you so much! That means a lot to me

andrewt_

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 27w

I mean, how do I know I’m not just a deviant psycho? The evidence points in that direction. Yes I have no history of doing inappropriate behavior but maybe I went crazy, anything is possible. This can’t be OCD it felt so real

thomasw2172

Date posted: 27w

Hey Andrew :) You are certainly not a monster. Monsters aren’t concerned with being a monster. You certainly deserve to live. Your life is precious and valuable and wanted. Can I ask how the evidence points in that direction when you also say you have no history of doing anything but *maybe* you went crazy (untrue). Anything being possible is not necessarily evidence than anything happened :)

andrewt_

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 27w

@thomasw2172 Thank you so much for the kind words, that means a lot to me 🙏🏼 and I do not know how to explain it, but at the last second when I grabbed the object, I experienced a sensation as if I was touching something else and I panicked. It almost felt like I was trying to do something bad, something I would never actually do, and it felt so real and vivid so now I’m convinced this isn’t OCD, but I know everyone with OCD feels that way. Thank you for taking the time to comment!

alan87

Date posted: 27w

Thoughts are not actions. It is okay to have thoughts. Remember Dr. McGrath always thinking or hoping for the roof to collapse in and it doesn’t? Our thoughts are not actions and don’t define who we are.

andrewt_

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 27w

@alan87 Thank you so much, you are right, but my mind is convincing me I was trying to do an action and thought the object was something else. Like for example when I took it at the last second I experienced a sensation as if I was grabbing something else and it scared me

andrewt_

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 21w

I believe I’m a monster.

My body has done weird things during interactions and sometimes it feels like the movements came from me, like I controlled them. It’s freaking terrifying. Sometimes I believe I’ve gone psycho. I don’t know who the fuck I am anymore. Maybe I should just accept that I’m a danger to society.

andrewt_

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 19w

There’s no point anymore I’m just evil

I don’t even say I have OCD anymore because it feels like I’m lying. Maybe this isn’t about OCD anymore and is about accountability instead. Accountability for how twisted and sick I am. Sometimes I force myself to admit that it’s not OCD and that I’m just dark and twisted and need to protect the world from me. I mean god this feels too real to be OCD. Sometimes I look back at my memory and wonder if I did certain stuff on purpose and ask myself who could do stuff like this? Everyone says it’s OCD but it feels too real. I have a gut feeling that I’m a deviant psycho. I want to be gone.

HOY

Date posted: 17w

i dont know if its gonna get better

since february i have "POcd". Initial symptoms were thoughts, but then I did a testing compulsion during an intimate time, and I spiraled ever since. I struggle with addiction to smut. I'm cutting that out, but I feel as if it is too late. Ive never experienced this much mental, and emotional anguish in my life. On my time on this application I have given advice to others, and helped around, but I wonder if that even applies to me. Millions of times I wish I could turn back time and be more careful. I want to prevent many things, including what led me to spiral into OCD in the first place. I'm surely having an OCD episode. I have gotten a diagnosis, but I'm still not sure. I feel evil, cause unlike many here, I tested on my body sensations and it backfired (twice) I know I'm not supposed to figure out why that is the case, but now I have to live with it for the rest of my life even if its something I don't desire. This is disgusting for me, it is abhorrent. I could've never seen this coming. Day by day I've become more fearful of living with this, "OCD". I was a normal person before this, I knew what I was attracted to, I know my preferences, so why did this come about? This is singlehandedly the most painful thing that has happened to me and I have nobody but myself to blame. I am scared of death but I also would'nt mind sleeping for years on end. My parents and brother were understanding of my situation, but I failed them regardless. I don't want them to see me this way, nor do I want them to learn more of my predicament. I'm cooked. I know it, Fin, thats all folks. I'm only 20 and I already have other diagnosed mental illness so I recklessly brought upon myself another one. Its agonizing to live through, I wish this on nobody, not even my worst enemy. I can't even identify myself at this point. Its tearing me apart.

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Should I just accept that this is who I am?

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