I am a NOCD Therapist specializing in OCD and Relationship Struggles - Ask Me Anything

@Ghostdog - This is actually a great statement. I would argue that there is not such thing as Pure O. Most times, when someone identifies as Pure O, it is because they do not experience physical compulsions, however there are usually more mental compulsions going on. Things like rumination or trying to "figure it out", reassurance seeking or self reassurance, and counting are just a few examples of mental compulsions. It would be interesting for you to identify what are the things that you find yourself thinking about over and over. That may be your obsession. The biggest thing to remember is that this is how your brain reacts to intrusive thoughts but it is not your fault.

@Catherine Nakonetschny My pure o would disagree with you but I relate to your sentiment entirely.

@Ghostdog I completely understand

jhello3 - Thanks for your question and for asking about how ROCD effects friendships. When people think about ROCD, they usually think about romantic relationships, but it can effect any type of relationship. First, ROCD only effects some friendships because, I suspect that these are more important relationships or closer relationships for you. Remember that OCD only attacks the things/people we care about the most. As far as how to stop ruminating, that is a great question. My best advice would be to ask yourself what is the worst thing that can happen if they are made at you. You are also doing great by not seeking reassurance from them. You can acknowledge that these thoughts are distressing to you, however you can tolerate and not engage with the compulsions. I hope this helps. Good Luck.

@Michael11 This has been a lifelong tire thing for me in ask relationships, romantic or not. Like with my parents and siblings and in my monogamous relationships as well.

@Michael11 we need this one answered.

@Michael11 - I am sorry that you are dealing with these thoughts. These are typical ROCD thoughts but they cause so much distress that it makes you doubt everything about your relationship. OCD functions in a circle. The Obsessions (do I love my partner) make you feel distress. You deal with the distress by performing a compulsion (seeking reassurance from your partner). That compulsions then offers some temporary relief. The problem is that when thought obsessive thoughts start again, it is going to want more and more from you to feel better. If these feelings make you feel confused instead of unhappy or sad, then all of these thoughts are OCD. I would suggest finding a trained ERP therapist to help you deal with these thoughts so that you can live a happy life

@Catherine Nakonetschny what if they make you unhappy, sad, scared, and confused.

@TayW711 - @TayW711 Intrusive thoughts can make you feel all of these emotions. It does not mean that they are true. In fact most intrusive thoughts are irrational or illogical but they feel very real.

@Catherine Nakonetschny i read somewhere that if the thoughts are persistent than it can mean theres underlying issues. mine will go on for days at a time and then stop for a day and then theyll be back but it seems like the time theyre affecting me is getting longer each time because its like my brain in trying to convince myself theyre true when i know theyre not but it just feels so real and i have a constant feeling of guilt along with it.

@TayW711 - I completely understand and yes if they are more persistent it can be a sign of underlying issues however it doesn't always mean that. In fact it sounds to me like you are really struggling with these intrusive thoughts. It might be beneficial for you to see a trained ERP therapist and work with them on trying to help you better understand and control your OCD.

@Catherine Nakonetschny thank you. ik i shouldnt ask for reassurance but that really helps. so i appreciate it.

@TayW711 You are very welcome.

@ Intermezzo - It absolutely can. In fact there is a name for it "Retroactive Jealousy". It absolutely does happen and in therapy we working on putting the past. in the past where it belongs. I hope that helps you.

@Stopoverthinking_01 - I am sorry that you are experiencing this. It can be really difficult for others without OCD to understand because they don't experience Anxiety the same way you do. Intrusive thoughts are so upsetting because they activate your flight or flight response. OCD makes it feel like you need to address this issue right now because it is a dire emergency. People without OCD do not experience it that same way. It maybe helpful to ask your husband to watch some educational videos about OCD with you so that he can better understand your experience. There is a great short film on YouTube called OCD that does present the experience of OCD very well. You can also use the NOCD channel on YouTube which is extremely helpful. Your OCD is latching onto that conversation, because that person relates to your experience. The most important thing to recognize is that you can't control who responds to your posts. That guilt and shame is a result of your OCD.

@Catherine Nakonetschny Thank you for your response!

@Stopoverthinking_01 - You are very welcome.

@misereri - I usually go by the rule that thoughts are just thoughts. They are neither good nor bad - they are really just thoughts. It is not until we put meaning to them that they can become problematic. I think that in this case, it depends how much time you are spending ruminating/overthinking it. If you spending a lot of time thinking about and feeling more distressed about it, then you want to try and sit with the distress that it causes and recognize that these thoughts may or may not be true, however ruminating about will never help. I hope that helps you.

@pissedasarat - Thanks for the question. This is actually a common intrusive thought. One thing you need to remember is that a thought is just a thought. It is not reality. One of the best ways that you can deal with these types of thoughts is to acknowledge that they make you upset and uncomfortable however not engaging in the behaviors such a ruminating about it. With exposure, support and time, this will eventually occur less and less. You will be able to be happy in the relationship you just need to be persistent and not allow your OCD to ruin it for you.

@issphra - It does happen for some people. But you need to remember that a thought is just a thought. There are no thought police who are going to come get you for your thoughts or daydreams. The truth is that this is not unusual.

@Anonymous I guess this wasn’t really a question, but do you have suggestions on where to go from here?

@Anonymous - @Anonymous - This is a good questions. There is a concept of Limerence. This is where someone has intense almost obsessive feelings for another person. In some instances, the feelings are not or can not be reciprocated. Love is a more complex emotion, It is characterized by deep love and care for someone. It involves trust, intimacy, and mutual understanding. There are some good articles on line about limerence that may be helpful. I will add some here. https://www.charliehealth.com/post/limerence-vs-love#:~:text=Whereas%20love%20involves%20a%20deep,and%20lose%20interest%20the%20next https://www.brides.com/limerence-vs-love-5193245#:~:text=The%20three%20stages%20of%20limerence%20are%20infatuation%2C%20crystallization%2C%20and%20deterioration

@Catherine Nakonetschny Thank you, I haven’t heard of this. I’ll dive into it. Thank you!

@Anonymous - You are very welcome. Good Luck

@delaneyfinley i deal with the same overthinking pattern and it is so hard. please @ me if she responds with an answer.

Anytime there are major life changes in life like this, or increased stress and even illness can cause flare up in intrusive thoughts. My best advice is to resist any compulsions and keep moving forward. Don't let OCD ruin an exciting time in your life.

@TayW711 She replied!

These types of doubts are actually common for ROCD. The goal is really leaning into that distress and recognizing that OCD wants to know with 100% certainty that you are in the right relationship and that nothing will go wrong. The problem is there is no way of getting 100% certainty in anything including our relationships. Does this make sense to you?

@NOCD Therapist - Catherine N. But like I don't want it to be my truth I don't want the thoughts to be what I really want but I'm scared they are

@misereri - Exactly. OCD will always make you afraid of these thoughts, because to OCD this is an emergency situation that you need to figure out right now. The problem is that OCD never tells you the truth. Intrusive thoughts are usually irrational or illogical the problem is that they are on less scary to you. Remember these thoughts do not reflect your values or what you truly desire.

@NOCD Therapist - Catherine N. I'm not currently diagnosed with ocd. Im seeing a local counselor. these thoughts and urges really dont mean they sre my truth? How can i differentiate?

@misereri - @miereri - No it doesn't necessarily mean that this is your truth. I would encourage you to find an ERP therapist who can help you with the intrusive thoughts. You can certainly schedule a call with one of our NOCD therapist for evaluation. You may find it helpful. While talk therapy is great, it may not help you with this particular subject.

@Em2003 - It could be. It depends on what the "flaw" is. Is it really a flaw or is it something that OCD has determined is a flaw. There is a difference. I would also question why you are feeling such guilt about not confessing. Confessing in and of itself can be a compulsion. Why do you feel the need to confess?

@Catherine Nakonetschny I can’t tell the difference between a real flaw and an OCD determined flaw. I do believe confessing is my biggest compulsion, when I don’t do it my anxiety skyrockets so I need to get a handle on that because I don’t want to risk hurting my partner’s feelings.

@Whitedove122 I think I’ve experienced that in my life. I was so obsessed with a woman for several years and we were in a romantic relationship at first and it stayed that way in my mind. I folded her down into drugs and stayed obsessed with her for awhile.

@Whitedove122- This is a good question. The concept of Limerence is characterized by an intense almost obsessive feelings for another person. In some instances, the feelings are not or can not be reciprocated. It feels obsessions and almost all consuming. It is often confuse with real love. It is most closely related to the infatuation associated with the beginning of a romantic relationship. There are some good articles on line about limerence that may be helpful. I will add some here. https://www.charliehealth.com/post/limerence-vs-love#:~:text=Whereas%20love%20involves%20a%20deep,and%20lose%20interest%20the%20next https://www.brides.com/limerence-vs-love-5193245#:~:text=The%20three%20stages%20of%20limerence%20are%20infatuation%2C%20crystallization%2C%20and%20deterioration

@Anonymous - I have never utilized I-CBT for my clients with ROCD. I have only used ERP, which is the gold standard for treatment. I know that there is a lot of information about I-CBT however it is not something that I am utilizing at this time. Thanks for your questions.

@Secretidentity - I am curious to hear why this might be bad? I think there is a myth that when you meet the person that you are meant to be with, you can't imagine a future without them. That is not necessarily true. There are some of us who focus on the present instead of the future. There is nothing wrong with that. Does this make sense for you?

@Catherine Nakonetschny It does make sense. But on social media and other things like Google (I know I shouldn’t Google things) it says if you can’t picture a future with your partner than you should reevaluate your relationship and it probably isn’t the one for you. But I physically can not picture it. I know I want him in it. But I can’t see it. So I feel like it causes alot of my obsessions because I can’t see it.

@Confused - This is a great question. One of the things that many with OCD will do is seek reassurance from others. In this case you are seeking reassurance from your partner that they love you and that this argument is not going to end your relationship. I can see where this can be frustrating from them as well as you. In utilizing ERP, I would tell them to stop giving you that reassurance, because it only serves to perpetuate your ROCD. The best way they can support you is to not offer that reassurance. In turn you would need to lean into the uncertainty of whether he still loves you or not. It is not easy but by working with a trained therapist you can get better. As far how other can support you, it is best if they educate themselves on OCD and even attend support groups for family so they know exactly how to help. I hope that helps you .

@malabed This sums up my ROCD also. I’d be interested in hearing a response

@malabed - Thanks for your questions. One way to challenge the thought about being ignored is really to ask yourself "What is the worst thing that is going to happen if I am being ignored?". We have all been looked over or ignored in our lives by others. The problem is that your brain is telling you that this is situation that you need to fix. Do you really need to "fix" it? The thoughts about not being sufficient or good enough for your partner is another very common intrusive thought in ROCD. Usually, these thoughts make seek reassurance that we are still loved by our partner or that we are enough. If that happens for you, try to resist seeking that reassurance. That only feeds the OCD and makes it worse. Try telling yourself that although these thoughts are distressing to you, you can accept them (not agree with them), and you can trust that you are enough for your partner. It is going to take a lot for practice but you can do it. This is what ERP is all about. I hope this helps.

@blessy - I am sorry that you are feeling this way. It can be difficult when you are that effected by your previous relationships. I am sure that you these make you feel like a bad person. In reality, thoughts are just thoughts. It may be necessary to work out the feelings relate to your previous relationship before you try to move on with others.

@t_bustanoby - This is a FANTASTIC question and I am so glad that you asked. I love that you are working on this together. It is hard not to seek that reassurance. I will often tell partners that the best way to respond is to say something like "It sounds like OCD is really bothering you". Also they can use "I am sorry that you are uncomfortable but I am not speaking to OCD anymore". I hope this helps.

@Anonymous12345** It’s like: “oh there you go, your theme might not be that horrific, just imagine that thought,” and when i imagined it, it gave a sense of liking to a side of the thought forgetting about the reality behind it.

Anonymous12345** Yes, OCD can create the images in your head and it can manipulate the ways you react both emotionally and physically. Yes intrusive thoughts can lead to other intrusive thoughts Yes it can make you feel like a bad person if you do not feel complete guilt. It is part of the games that OCD plays.

YES!!!! You can be loved, supported, and understood with OCD, just like you can with any other Mental Illness. The key is to not let your Rumination and other compulsions take away the happiness and joy that comes with a healthy relationship. I hear a lot of "What if" but What if these thoughts are wrong? The key is to remember that you will never get a 100% certainty in any relationship. It is unrealistic to this that you are going to have a perfect relationship with no conflict. That is a part of life. ERP does help with teaching you the tools to deal with the Rumination and live the life you want.

I am so sorry you are experiencing these feelings. I would encourage you to take a look at the NOCD blog. There are some articles about OCD and ADHD. Therapy may help you sort out your feelings.

@Euphori - This is a great question and a common problem for individuals in treatment. The best thing I can tell you is not every thought is an OCD thought. You can torture yourself by over analyzing your thoughts.

@NOCD Therapist - Catherine N. Thank you! That helps a lot.

@Euphori! - You are so welcome. I am so happy that I was able to help you tonight.

@Anonymous - This is a great questions and honestly it looks different for everyone. Now as far as having the thoughts in perpetuity I think you are looking at it with a slightly skewed lens. Yes, you will have intrusive thoughts, however, they do not have to be painful. In ERP, you learn the tools to break free from the fear and learn to no longer engage with the thoughts. This significantly decreases the emotional pain that the thoughts cause. Remember, we all have intrusive thoughts, it really depends on how you react to them. I hope this helps. Thanks for the question.

That is a good question. Obviously the ultimate choice is yours however, if I were working with you. I would encourage you to work toward dating and see what happens. It sounds like OCD is trying to hold you back. What is the worst think that will happen if you start sating?

I am sorry that you are dealing with this. I think both of these are great exposures for you. You can use Maybe Maybe not for the idea that you should break up with her. You can also use your other statement as an exposure too. You can even write a worst case scenario about breaking up with her.

@Catherine Nakonetschny Thank you so much for your reply and your guidance. I‘m new to ERP and since I am just at the beginning of therapy, we haven’t done this in therapy, but I want to try to deal differently with my OCD. So this helps a lot to know that both exposures would be good. Again, thanks a lot!

@misti_mk - Honestly it really does depend on the what the thoughts are. I usually tell people that leave the past in the past. You can't change it. If you are worried about mistakes that you have made in the past, again, you can't change it. You can torture yourself with these kinds of thoughts. My advice would be to ask yourself why you are holding on to it. If it is serving to make you distressed and anxious then you can use ERP to reduce these thoughts. The past is the past, and the future is unknown. The only thing you can really experience is the present.

@TayW711 - @TayW711 if you are having thoughts about previous relationship make you sad, unhappy and terrified, I would suggest seeking a trained therapist who can help you work through those issues.

@AnonymousABCD That is a good question but unfortunately I can't answer that question for you. It sounds like, from what you wrote, that you made the decision to break up and the anxiety stopped. That would make sense because you are doing what the OCD wants you to do. You do want OCD wants and the anxiety stops. I have heard from some of my Members that they almost feel worse when the thoughts stop. They don't know how to handle, not having the intrusive thoughts. Do you resonate with that?

@Catherine Nakonetschny Yes I do, thank you for your reply ! 😭

@AnonymousABCD You are very welcome. If I may say, it does get better.

@ps0126 This is a great question. In reality your OCD wants you to have 100% certainty that this relationship will be long term, however there is no way to actually get that certainty. This person may tell you that it is for the long term, however that may or may not be true. Unfortunately, even long term relationships of 25-30 years can end up ending for a variety of reasons. I think that you need to work on accepting the uncertainty and just enjoy yourself. You are letting your OCD take away the joy and excitement from this new relationship.

@Anonymous12345*** Intrusive thoughts can play together and give you a false sense of relief and yes it can then come back to make you think that you "liked it". Remember intrusive thoughts and OCD will never tell you the truth and certainly will not reflect you core values.

@Anonymous12345*** This is a good question. Yes some people with OCD do experience this. It is as if OCD says hey you can solve this theme if you just did XYZ. However, usually, this is a "solution" that goes against your values. Also in my experience it will NEVER be enough to satisfy your OCD and it will come back wanting more and more. .

@Anonymous - This is another great question. Unfortunately there is no "cure" for OCD but by working with a trained therapist, patience, and a willingness to face your fears, you CAN live a great life despite your OCD. I have seem many of my Members do just that.

That is a common compulsion called Thought Replacement. Thought Replacement is where you Replacement a negative Thought with a positive one. It is very common in OCD.

You are so welcome! Non-engagement is the best way to deal with it however there are other things you can do. You could write a worst case scenario about it and read it over and over again until you are sick of it. That way you become more comfortable with the scary thoughts and it no longer creates such fear. You also may find that when you write it down it is easier to see the illogical nature of the thought. I hope this helps

I am sorry that you are struggling. ERP does work however it is not meant for instant relief. This treatment is about teaching you another way to deal with the intrusive thoughts but it also about retraining your brain to react differently to the discomfort that you feel. It takes time and patience for this to happen.

@ EmmyFaith21 - You absolutely can. It is very common for people to have a few themes however one is more predominate than the others. Thanks for asking.

@Catherine Nakonetschny Thank you so much! I thought I was crazy or alone for having multiple themes at once. It’s so scary! I definitely struggle with harm ocd the most. :(

@EmmyFaith21 - You are very welcome. I know that you can feel alone, but I assure you that you are not.

@kaceybacey - I am so sorry that you are feeling so misunderstood. You are not bitter or strange, you have OCD. It is hard for people without OCD to truly understand what you are going through. First is you are not in ERP treatment, I would highly recommend it. I have had several of the Members that I treat, overcome their contamination fears and lives very good lives with close relationships and hugs. First for people with whom you are close, you could start by helping them become educated on OCD. There are great short videos on the NOCD YouTube Channel as well as other good video that help explain what OCD is. There is even a good short film called OCD that is very realistic on how it feels to have OCD.

@Anonymous - I am so sorry that you are struggling with this. I can feel how distressing this is for you. OCD is the presence of intrusive thoughts as well as compulsions. These compulsions can be both behavioral or mental. The intrusive thoughts are usually distressing and often impact several areas of our lives. I can't tell you what to do but I would suggest connecting with a trained OCD therapist for evaluation. I hope that helps you.

@Anonymous - This is a good question and it can be very difficult to determine what are OCD obsessions and what are real doubts about the relationship. There are a few ways that you can tell. The first is that in ROCD the doubts do not go away, even when you get reassurance or when you decide that you really want to stay together. The same intrusive thought will continue to surface . If you are worrying about problems that "might" occur in the future that is more ROCD. These often present in the form of "What if" questions. If the doubts about your relationship are more persistent that could be a sign that there is an actual issue with the relationship as ROCD thoughts can be more intermittent. If your doubts continue even if you recognize them as illogical or irrational this is probably ROCD. If you feel loved and supported by your partner and are more confused that unhappy, then this is a sign that it is an obsession. I hope this is helpful to you. Good Luck.

@KaitlynP - I am sorry that you are experiencing this. I think one way to start to address this is by recognizing that there is no way to get 100% certainty for anything, especially our relationships. Relationships are able trust and vulnerability and this make OCD very uncomfortable, so it make you search for 100% that is not attainable. You need to do what is best for you in this situation, no matter what OCD tells you.

@caper10. Absolutely however you need to be mindful of how your intrusive thoughts may trigger one another. I think that both of you should engage in ERP therapy, if you are not already, as a way to learn how to manage your ROCD and have the healthiest relationship possible. Good Luck

@I'm Batman. First I love the name! This can be very difficult to navigate. I always advocate for anyone with or without mental health issues to utilize fair fighting rules. That includes calling a time out before things become too heated. Either one of you can call a time out just to cool down before anyone is triggered. I would recommend therapy for both of you in order to deal with the pressing issues so that you are able to be in the relationship without walking on egg shells. I hope this helps you.

@Catherine Nakonetschny Thanks !!

@Patrick S its even super challenging to cuddle and stuff like that, heart beating out of my chest, head aching, etc…

@Patrick S - @Patrick S - I am sorry that you are dealing with these thoughts. These are the most common thoughts when it comes to ROCD. If you are not in therapy, I would highly recommend that you get evaluated and start ERP. These types of thoughts ruin relationships because it makes you feel like you will never be happy in this relationship and that you will be happier in another. The problem is that these thoughts will follow you to the new relationships and everyone after that until you have the OCD under control. Right now I would start by recognizing these thought as part of your ROCD and and start trying to resist the compulsions that it wants you perform. I hope this helps. Good Luck.

@Catherine Nakonetschny I’m currently in therapy with an nocd therapist. It’s just seemed to get worse from the start- with erp feeling ineffective.

@Patrick S - Got it. It will feel worse, especially in the beginning, because you are more aware of not only the intrusive thoughts but also the compulsions. You also have to remember that in most cases, OCD does not want you to get rid of it, so it will seem louder in you thoughts, sometimes it will also switch themes. Keep working at it. It will take time and patience but you will be successful.

@Catherine Nakonetschny Okay because at this point its really scary to see her. The relationship is so healthy and supportive, minus my ocd. She’s amazing too, has supported me through everything, even read up on it to support me through it. But it’s just so much anxiety, i’m considering ending the relationship and just focusing on my ocd. I don’t want to do that though.

@Rahmaa - Remember that thoughts are just thoughts. There are no thought police who are going to come and get you for your thoughts. With that being said it sounds like you are judging yourself for having those thoughts. I am sure OCD is probably telling you something like "If anyone knew what you were thinking, they would think you are a horrible person or worse, would never want to associate with you". The funny thing about these thoughts is that no one will know you are having them, unless you tell them. And I am assuming that you would not want to tell them. In this case it really is about accepting that you having the thoughts and that they make you anxious, but trying to resist ruminating about them the rest of the day. You can do it, it just takes practice. Does this help?

@Catherine Nakonetschny yes sometimes the feeling of guilt still appears, Yas it is very helpful thank you very much

@shaymccann - I am sorry that you are dealing with this. You may want to work with a therapist on getting evaluated for PTSD. PTSD can often be treated with Prolonged Exposure which will teach you how to face your triggers and manage through the discomfort. A trained PE Therapist would be very beneficial to determine you best path forward.

@Rick14 I am really sorry but I can't answer this. Everyone responds differently to medications. This would best be answered by someone who does prescribe the medications.

You can always try to agree with the thought. "Yes I am messing this up and enjoying every minute of it". OCD is trying to ruin what could be a good thing for you.