Help

A lot of my problems are tied to massive instances of childhood abuse, especially emotional/psychological abuse where I was flat out being told that I was ugly, unlovable, worthless, lazy, etc. I don't really believe those specific things, but I think I feel those emotions stronger than other people because of the fact that I wanted to prove that those things were lies. Like when someone I'm dating loses interest, I go from 0 to 100 in my emotions. I also convince myself that my childhood wasn't actually that bad and I'm being overdramatic and I feel silly talking about it. Yet, at the same time, I want people to recognize my struggles and feel like I'm sophocating from holding it all in. Being lazy probably hits the hardest, because I never feel like I'm doing enough and I'm so exhausted and unmotivated but I tell myself I'm making excuses. I can be so unmotivated and depressed that I don't shower for a couple weeks and there is trash on my floor and even if I'm genuinely embarrassed by people seeing that...I just can't do it. But even typing this I feel dumb for asking for validation in that instead of doing something productive with my time.

First off - I’m sorry, I post here a lot. My thoughts are going to be scattered because I have the adhd/ocd/executive dysfunction wombo combo. Im so embarrassed I am THIS neurodivergent. I swear my brain couldn’t pick one struggle and settle with it. I’m not making these diagnoses quirky personality traits by any means, in fact, in this post im venting about how exhausting and embarassed I am living with a brain like this on the daily. I need to hear someone’s advice please. I love hearing everyone’s advice on posts because it’s so useful, and brings me back down to reality. Everyone on here gives advice so tastefully in a way where it doesn’t feed into the self reassurance compulsion, but it’s also been thorough and constructive enough where it’s reminded me to ground myself in a healthy way. I love seeing others helping others, it soothes me. This community has been so kind, and I’m so happy I found it. I wish I could ask more, but I have so many questions I think it’d drive everyone here crazy lol. I am doing erp therapy now, and it’s been teaching me so many amazing techniques. I’ve been making progress. However, I sometimes have my moments of vunerablity. I’ve been experiencing this especially now more than ever because I am going through a breakup. He did it through text after nearly 9 months together. I’d do anything for him and love him through anything, and he broke my heart when I least expected it. I’d make his bed for him multiple times, but I haven’t done that for myself in years. I’d sit with him for hours to watch and do anything he likes, but he’d never do the same and I’d never do the same for me. I’m also at fault because I was too scared to speak up so I let a lot of disrespect slide. Why did my ocd do that? Why does ocd make me people please even when I don’t want to? Why does OCD make me care so much about things that will never effect me (like wanting validation from a random person on the street and hoping they’ll think I’m pretty enough to look at), but then when it comes to my future or positive wellbeing (like focusing on college/doing well in classes/personal hygiene/health), forces me to not care/neglect myself and those needs? I don’t understand it. Ocd makes me think everything’s a setup or a trap. I can never believe that I am fine right where I want to be. Why am I so hard on myself? Why do I even think this much? I care and feel so deeply but it becomes unhealthy so fast because ocd makes me fixate and I stay there for a while. For some reason I let this breakup define my self worth. I let it topple into the ocd fear that I will never make it in life - that I won’t be successful, I’ll never get the career I want, the love I want, or the life I want. My OCD’s version of “logic” isn’t even logical. Yes, I understand how the breakup means feelings of low self worth which will then topple into feeling bad about other things. But why has my brain been wired to think this way? Why does it seem so easy for everyone else to function normally with life but not me? Honestly this is the first time in my life where I’m dedicated to focusing on myself and learning more about myself instead of others in my life and it’s a very odd and bizarre feeling. I’m excited of course, but I’m also scared. My ocd makes me ruminate like “what if I will never make the most of this life I’ve been given”, “what if I truly have no worth and the most I will ever be in other people’s lives is a background character”, “why do I care if I’m a background character or not? I should feel guilty and ignorant for assuming everyone will automatically like me”, “are people lying to me when they call me pretty, smart or kind?”, “I need to look and sound perfect in both pictures, videos and in real life. I will never be satisfied for accepting who I am now”, and a bunch of other annoying questions. But sometimes it’s like I just can’t take the reality for what it is but at the same time, but I also acknowledge that I know this is ocd talking. This is so, so difficult. Do I make any sense with what I’m saying? Can anyone help?

I apologize I post here a lot lol. I have a few questions/I want to vent about this. My therapist and I have identified one of the triggers I’ve been trying to work on, which is my fear of never being good enough; for myself, my family, my friends, for my romantic relationships, and just in general. Honestly, I hate myself so much. Not for any reason in particular, but I overanalyze everything I do and let it consume me. I know this is normal for most people, and everyone goes through bouts of self depreciation and lack of self love. I’m trying to give my love to myself that I’ve always given to other people and it’s so difficult. It’s really funny, I need male validation even though I feel like I can never trust a man ever again. I was broken up with at the beginning of April, and so you can imagine how my self worth really has been feeling. I’m aware my self worth isn’t based on other people’s perception of me, but I just want to be loved consistently through my ocd and adhd. It feels like it’s too much for people, while I simultaneously feel like I’m making this a massive deal. I don’t want to get into another relationship ever again, I just think I’m too weird for most men or they’ll take advantage of me for something again. I think if a man is nice to me, it means there’s an ulterior motive or a catch. There’s genuinely no way someone even cares as much about me as I do them, it’s always one sided. I love my friends, I’m taking about relationships wise. Not to mention, I hate the way I look and act. When I think I’m somewhat decent looking, there’s always a post to pop up with this stunningly beautiful girl. I can never catch up with modern beauty standards. I hate this so so so much. I hate feeling this way, how do I make this all stop?