Struggling

I’ve been dealing with ocd for years when it first happened it tore me apart I completely convinced myself I was the worst person on earth and I could not continue after months my ocd jumped to different themes and each one usually distracted me from another. Fast forward I recently went through another bad episode constantly focusing on the past and how I’m a horrible disgusting person comparing my story to everything I could and coming to the conclusion mines the worst and therefore I’m X or Y then it went into somatic/idk if I actually have this incurable condition that terrifies me but now it’s both it’s the uncomfortable sensations and going back on certain memories that I can’t tell if are real/don’t want to be real/ don’t make complete sense but feel real and now I can’t get out of the idea that even ifs not real I’m always gonna think it might be idk it’s a lot I just know I don’t want to be these things and never will ever want to be. I want to confess again so bad but my bf is not understanding at all like these “memories” or thoughts genuinely traumatized me when I remembered them.