There's one emotion cycle that I can't deal now.

Last year I lost my dog and since then it has been a roller coaster for me, im just trying to move through the feelings, and back in december i thought i found the last problem cause i realized theres alot of shame and guilt that i feel because I know in his last year i was not as close to him as his early years. So I worked with those feelings and then alot of things happened, I lost my grandma, then i developed health fears, changed my workplace which came with alot of fear and i found myself in these problems that also the fear and feelings of the grief of losing my dog came back. Im afraid of what will happen in summer when it will be a year since i lost my dog. I dont know what to do with the memories of seeing him really sick and barelly breathing, its normal that it makes me sad but when it makes you sick and it haunts you all day even after months its a problem. Theres also a feeling that im stuck, just now i went to his grave(yes we made a grave for him) and i thought i will have a healthy conversation with him in my mind, which will help me mentally healing the pain, and at first it was that, but then i got hit by a feeling that i cant describe, and i tried to move into compassion and not let these thoughts take away my peace, but then i felt like its wrong to change those sad feelings to happier ones, its like disrespectful, and there was a strong reaction of feelings to the positive thoughts like i dont want to feel better, its stupid, and when i tried to be compassionate to myself it made me triggered more... which made me feel stuck with those feelings of sadness and anger... Compassion sbould help me but actually it doesnt gives me peace,maybe thats normal at the beginning but i dont know how to react to those angry hopeless feelings that nothing helps me and the intrusive feelings that i dont want to be compasionate, i dont want to get better(i do, its just and intrusive feeling)

TexasOCD41

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 26w

I am SO sorry to hear about your loss. I can relate WAY too much to this. Iv had OCD since i was 13, it comes in spells and my worst one kicked on in April of last year, i worked on it with just therapy until July, where i finally was on VERY shaky but i thought stable ground.... then my soul cat died. I knew she wasn't in the best of health but I wasn't ready for the vet to call me at lunch and tell me she was beyond recovery and i needed to put her to sleep. it SHATTEREDDDDDD ME. i went to a BAD place, I not only greived her, but my OCD came roaring back and then guilt got added to it. " did i lover her enough? did i pay less attention to her than the other cat because she was ill? was i ever mean to her? i spanked her that one time, I'm a monster! did i make her sick? could i have prevented this if i did something different?" it eventually pushed me into starting medication and after a month of HELL getting adjusted to it, i FINALLY found peace. Her ashes are in my living room with her favorite toy, I cry at her memory sometimes but I'm not consumed anymore, i tell her i love her from time to time, but i remember our happy days and i know i gave her a great life and did my best by her. If you are stuck in a loop of chronic grief, perhaps seek medical help, no shame in it. a low dose of sertraline SAVED MY LIFE and ill stay on it as long as it continues to help. no side effects to report home about, maybe a SLIGHT dip in libido but some supplements i recently started helped that. I know when July 2nd comes around ill cry and greive her again but i know ill be ok. i have her sister and the new dumpert kitten that found its way into our life 3 months after Gypsey crossed he rainbow bridge, they need me, and Gypsey is waiting patiently for me when i get there and she has your dog and all our other beloved pets to keep her company.

PRIV8

Date posted: 26w

Im glad that you found peace, i struggle with feeling safe expressing some of the feelings. Its not crying, i cried alot before and it actually was good, but theres a different feeling, a deep painful thing that i cant learn what is it cause then it automatically gives me panic and im panicking over a feeling and i dont feel safe... Im panicking about thinking about summer too sometimes, i even remind myself i that went through it, im here, still alive, it wasnt that bad but it doesnt work...

TexasOCD41

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 26w

@PRIV8 Sounds like the feeling is fear. A fight or flight being activated because you’re navigating uncharted waters and you don’t know what’s going to happen so you’re developing anticipation about it. And it might also be fear of greif. I fears it, I feared being stuck in sadness forever because I had seen Reddit posts About people who were still crying daily many years after a soul pets death. Grief is a staggering process with lots of stages that each need to be processed and they don’t go in order and you can bounce back and forth between them ( soooo fun) be kind to yourself. You can have ocd a feeling, like a sense of impending doom? If it’s unwanted and you’re overtly fixated on it, that’s just ocd being sneaky.

iwanttogetbe...

Date posted: 23w

Lost a fur friend now my ocd is triggered

I’m a dog walker. I connect with dogs 5 days a week. I get very attached to my clients and their spirits. I see dogs as spirit guides and beautiful, loving animals. This week, I have lost a fur friend with whom I grew a strong bond with. All I can say is that death is sudden and I didn’t get much info about the incident. Just a few texts. I felt like John Wick when he lost his puppy, his little ball of sunshine, during dark times. I’ve been struggling to accept this dog’s death. I cried. Wrote in my journal. Tried to rest and clean. Sadly, I can’t stop thinking about what happened. I keep thinking about how I will never get to see him ever again. Signs of spring are here but I can’t enjoy them because I’m preoccupied with ruminating what could’ve possibly happened to him. I keep thinking how this sweet boy won’t be able to sit in the sun with me or smell the new flowers that are blooming. I get pissed because a week ago I saw him and everything was all fine and dandy. Life was good. Now, I’ll even search online as if I can seek answers to tell me what happened. I know I’m grieving. I just want this to be a bad joke. 😞

PRIV8

Date posted: 21w

Feeling emotions

I get alot of times that you should let yourself feel your emotions,now I kinda see the emotions i was struggling with before, and the problem might have been that i didnt let myself feel them, and i even think that thats why i experienced panic attacks. However im struggling again cause letting myself feel the emotions made me emotional and throughout the day many times i feel something that i dont know what to do with, giving them attention makes me spiral. Now its about my dog, for two days he vomitted out what he ate and now he doesnt want to eat his food, some food he does want but those are some human food that he shouldnt eat. But my mom brought chicken meat to him, he doesnt want to eat it, and she made something for him but he doesnt wants to eat that either...This makes me really sad cause im afraid i will lose him. I feel really bad when someone who i love is sick and with him its hard cause dogs cant tell you whats the problem. I have a deep sadness about it and fear and I let myself feel it but it gets so bad that it doesnt help me at all. I dont find it helpful, its just makes my day harder. Now again makes me angry if i hear someone saying you should feel all your feelings... Being aware of it, it takes your focus too, i never understood that, how you are aware of something and your focus does not move there... The bird exemple is not true for me, if i go out and hear a bird chirping either im aware of it and it takes my focus,or I enjoy it with the view, or I just notice it and then ignore it,I dont give so much attention to it. Right now birds are chirping, if i put my awarness there i notice them, but if i focus on here that im writing now, i dont notice them,i forget that birds are chirping...Its not like im aware of both... I agree that i should let myself feel more emotions cause alot of problems came there but I dont know where is the line and when im giving too much attention or when im dealing with them too much...

PRIV8

Date posted: 12w

Ocd and emotions

I have alot of problems with this and I question alot if I do avoid my emotions cause today everyone says to "feel your emotions, let them be" but it just makes me be stuck with suffering. Currently I have a problem at my job, it's really stressful and i feel like everyone thinks im stupid and a bad person and it's hard, I struggle with negative emotions and I rumminate alot about the things, what couldve happened,what will happen and sometimes it makes me feel helpless cause idk what to do. But when it happens I don't let myself feel helpless, I don't know why you should let yourself feel anything like hopelessness,helplesnees,or let yourself tell any story that will not help you. I acknowledge it that it came up, but I won't let it to continously be there. I never understood that when you have these feelings, sitting with them makes you just follow the story that is unhealthy. I feel things that are unhealthy for me and i tried to sit with it and made me feel worse being stuck with that emotion. I start to think that people who actually has avoidance problems they dont notice how they feel, when I do notice I just choose not to go on that path. I question grief too alot. Everyone grieves differently so that's why is difficult but I don't like when people say that grief will never end and if you feel better about your loss you are just lying to yourself... Ofcourse you will never feel happy about anything you lost in your life. When i dealt with grief I noticed it, back then i thought okay i have to sit with the pain but then it got worse and worse and I felt like im stuck in my pain. Then I decided I have to move and im not 100%over, i dont even know what that means cause as I said you will never feel happy about any loss you experienced,but thats a different thing, you can still live your life with that,but if its been years and you still think life sucks and nothing is good then youre stuck with grief. This is not judging anyone who is not over grief, But it's problematic for me when I say i wont let this emotion to rule my day, and then i feel like im supressing it... or when people say "just let it be there" then my focus is on that being there, so to change your focus to your life you have to ignore the feelings, and people say "no,you dont" but thats what you have to do... To choose that you will live your life and you will focus on something else no matter what means that you will ignore the feelings, you can still notice it but you give no power to them. That's called ignoring it... I have to learn what supressing feelings really means cause everytime I try to live my life I say i supress my emotions cause it feels like that. I hope someone will read this, either will help him or he will help me understand things more, so if you read this, thank you for your time! :)

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There's one emotion cycle that I can't deal now.

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