Question about HOCD

When you try to test your sexual orientation as a way to avoid the discomfort of uncertainty, things can get pretty confusing and spiral out of control. This is especially true when you try to approach it so analytically. My first suggestion is to stop trying to analyze your sexuality through masturbation. Sexual orientation is much more than just what you can/can't masturbate to, and if you try to use that as "evidence" for one thing or another, it's just going to turn masturbation into a compulsion. As for feeling as though your wife may be "missing something" that a male may be able to provide, remember that no human is going to perfectly fulfill every need you have. It's just not possible. Exactly as you said, maybe relationships with females may be missing "something," but the same goes for anyone else. It's okay (and necessary) to rely on friends and other family members to fulfill needs that you don't get from a romantic partner. In order to feel safe and secure in any relationship, you'll need to learn to accept the uncertainty, and to allow yourself to feel the anxiety that comes from it without getting caught up in the thoughts. Relationships are all about feelings, not thoughts. But in order to actually get in touch with your real feelings, you need to disengage from the thoughts that try to sabotage and misinterpret those feelings. That's what ERP therapy helps you do. Try to identify your compulsions, and what triggers you to do them, then see what you can learn by not doing those compulsions (ideally with the help of a therapist).

I relate to sexual orientation OCD albeit with some different compulsions. Sexuality is fluid, and OCD can latch onto it no matter what your sexual orientation is. Questioning can be a natural and normal part of exploring sexuality, but the obsessive OCD doubts are a symptom of the disease. I know for me it can be hard to find the difference sometimes but ERP has helped a lot with identifying that.

Everyone is sharing great suggestions. I just want to add that I’ve had similar thoughts, like 'Maybe I’m a lesbian? and for me, they often came from overanalyzing what I enjoyed in porn. In therapy, I learned about the importance of living by my values rather than getting caught up in what OCD tries to make me figure out. For me, I value my relationship with my husband, and that’s what guides my choices. I’ve also learned that constantly analyzing why we like certain things over others just feeds OCD. The more we try to figure it out, the deeper we get stuck in the cycle. Instead, we have to let ourselves enjoy what we enjoy and move on, without assigning too much meaning to it. As for feeling like something might be missing in your relationship; you might be right, or you might not be. You’ll never know for sure, and chasing certainty will only make the doubt stronger. Every relationship has moments where things feel off, but trying to analyze why only pulls you further into the OCD cycle. The key is deciding what you value and choosing to live by that, even when the doubts try to pull you in another direction.

I am so glad our community has rallied around you to help you feel less alone. They have given great suggestions! Here is a video you might find helpful, too. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qhKmY1IeFf8&t=35s