im so tired it feels like its true, constant transphobic thoughts mixed in with thoughts if im a boy. istg im a completely different person and so different to everyone dealing with gender ocd. im heartbroken
The way I describe it to my bf is that I feel like a Alien from out of space (obviously lol) But it feels like I just got here to planet earth and it feels like idk who I am anymore or what I wanna be or I just feel usually off cause I feel like I lost my identity now. So if that's how you feel, just know I completely understand. I'm down to continue the conversation on here if you wanna reply!
@mint_moonlight same lol
@nikkispacee Also do you feel like your brain is just not happy with either or sometimes? Lmfao. Like it just feels like f it, you're neither 😭 Sorry if I been annoying you, I was just surprised to see someone going through the same thing rn
@mint_moonlight yes and ur not annoying me at all dww
i genuinely couldn’t sleep
May I ask, what is it that you think about or how does it feel for you? I'm kinda going through this too as well recently and just wanted to say I relate
@mint_moonlight its such constant self doubt if im a girl or not like ive been lying abt being comfortable as a girl. checking in all kind of ways. as for the transphobic stuff its weird bc i dont remember the thoughts but im having them
@nikkispacee Sorry for the late reply. I was watching my show haha
@nikkispacee But mine is similar to yours but for me it's like, sometimes I'll look in the mirror and notice I look like a guy sometimes? And I'll feel confused cause I feel like I oh maybe I'll look good as a guy but then I start thinking and thinking about it all day long and self doubting. Or like what you said sorda, I never had a problem before but all of a sudden last year I kept having these doubts like oh maybe I am or am i? Am I self doubting a deep desire and so on ? It feels like I'm lying to myself all the time and never know who I am or what I am?? Or what I'm comfortable being anymore. Cause my brain will like be like you wanna be a boy or wanna look like one or you like the idea of it. But tje the other side is like you wanna be a girl but you're confused and so on. The hard thing I'm going through is that usually of i had those thoughts I'd be so anxious but now it feels like I'm in denial??? And now it feels like I'm afraid of being a girl or looking like one or feel like I'm not supposed to be one anymore?????? So ots been so confusing So idk if that sounds similar to how your thoughts work ? Or if it sounds similar to the confusion oh who you are anymore?
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@MountainLion not great, u ?
I’m sobbing right now. I’m convinced that I’ve been in denial all along and that it’s all real. It has to be now. I don’t wanna be a boy but I feel like there’s no way I’m not one if I’m doing these things. There’s no way I’m a cis girl if I’m doing these things. I’m so fucking done with life I feel absolutely trapped. I don’t wanna be a man but fuuuuuuuuck I think it’s real now I’m so fcking done with living. I really feel like I’ve been using OCD as an excuse/a cover up and I’m scared it’s all a facade. There’s no way it’s not real now I’m literally so fcking scared I want it all to stop. If anyone has advice please send some my way. I need it badly
I feel different from others, I don’t feel as feminine and I feel like I’ve changed. I’m not sure why I feel this way. I also don’t think my ocd is ocd, it’s just something I told myself to feel better. I know! What if I am what if I’m not, I get it, but I don’t feel like i have a choice in the matter anymore. I have soocd and it’s eaten me alive for years. I woke up out of my sleep and got triggered and here I am. I don’t know what I feel anymore. I always wanted a boyfriend and now It seemed to change. I don’t want a girlfriend, it’s just that I don’t see anything for myself and I feel like I’m hiding. It’s hard to explain. Plus sometimes the way I move or speak makes me feel more masculine and it kills me. Im feeling so lost and alone right now. I know what I want deep down but I feel incapable of having those things because I won’t be able to have feeling. If that makes sense.
So my OCD has been bad lately. I’ve been ruminating and obsessing over my sexuality again. And it just keeps getting worse. I hate it so much. I try to sit with the discomfort but then my ocd does the backdoor spike. And the groinal response is what keeps me looped. It SUCKS. I am not attracted to men, but my OCD is trying SO hard to convince me that I am. There have been days where I’m just so mentally exhausted that I “accept” what my ocd tells me and I just walk around a hollow, lethargic shell. But then I rethink it and I feel better. It feels like I can only find my TRUE self when I tire my nervous system out enough that it literally breaks down and has me suicidal and hopeless. And then accepting my OCD’s “truth” (that I’m attracted to men) feels like a burden and a chore. I woke up today from an OCD dream, tried to go back to sleep, and my stomach kept cramping bc I was so anxious and ruminating over my intrusive thoughts. I’m starting to doubt it being OCD anymore. My brain is too tired to fight and cry about it anymore.
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