Please anwser me im really struggling. so I think I might have HOCD (Homosexual Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). It started one day when I watched a video of a girl realizing she’s bisexual. While it made me uncomfortable at first, I didn’t think much of it. But then, the thought “What if I’m a lesbian?” wouldn’t leave my mind. So, I started searching online for answers like, “How to know if you’re a lesbian.”
Things worsened when I came across a YouTube video where a girl said that if you even think about being a lesbian, it might be a sign. Before all this, I was 100% sure that I was straight and had always wanted a boyfriend so badly—having a boyfriend was my biggest wish for as long as I can remember. But I never really had intense crushes on anyone, so I began analyzing my past to look for any evidence that I might be a lesbian.
I realized that I often admired girls, thought they were pretty and cool, and wanted to be friends with them. I wanted them to like me, but I also felt extreme jealousy and even wished bad things upon them (which I know isn’t right). There was one time when I had a physical response to a girl (before my hocd), and I thought this was evidence that I might be a lesbian. I also watch girls more in movies and they are always my fav character or inspire me and I was overall more focused on girls and i was sooo anxious and thinking that this is the proof. I was so scared and convinced that im a lesbian. But I never considered being intimate with girls in the same way I have with boys.
Despite this, I convinced myself that I might have been secretly crushing on girls and just didn’t realize it. I became overwhelmed with anxiety, crying often, and constantly comparing my attractions to people I saw in real life or online. If I found a girl attractive, I’d freak out. I started imagining scenarios in my head, comparing what it would feel like to be with girls versus boys. Even if I didn’t want to be with a girl, I felt like I was lying to myself and not admitting the truth. I was analyzing my feelings and if some feeling felt wrong i’d freak out.
I also became easily triggered by anything related to LGBTQ topics, especially on TikTok. It felt like everything was proof that I’m a lesbian, even though I know it may not mean anything. I find myself asking, “What if?” questions all the time. I also realized that I had previously been obsessed with the idea of having OCD (I feared going crazy and being imperfect). That obsession now feels similar to the one I’m experiencing about my sexuality.
This uncertainty is overwhelming. It feels like the most important thing in my life right now. I’ve been struggling with this for about three months, and the thoughts, doubts, and fears are constant. Sometimes, it gets a little better, but then I start doubting whether it’s really HOCD or if I’m just in denial and hiding the truth from myself.
I hate not being able to figure it out, and I feel like my mind is clouded. I just want to know for sure that it’s only HOCD and that I’m straight, but the fact that I can’t be 100% certain is really stressing me out. I constantly reassure myself by looking for answers online—through ChatGPT, Google, and YouTube. It helps for a while, but the anxiety/doubt always comes back. Most of the day i don’t even have anxiety and im just thinking about it. Anxiety comes just when something triggers me or i find a new “proof” for me being a lesbian. It feels like there is just so much proof and i just need to accept it. It’s stressing me out. Im also scared about what other people would think or if they would change a view on me like I did at the start but now i feel like ive normalized it and that it’s a part of me. So because of that my mind are saying that this is the proof that im in denial.
I’m scared because I really want a boyfriend, but I’m afraid I won’t be able to fall in love with one. I worry that I’ll fall in love with a girl, and that I won’t be able to control it. It feels like my biggest dream—having a husband and kids—might not be possible for me. I don’t know what to do.