Can someone talk about SOOCD with me?

@Avinash Just so you know it’s gonna be a long text…

@Avinash so I think I might have HOCD (Homosexual Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). It started one day when I watched a video of a girl realizing she’s bisexual. While it made me uncomfortable at first, I didn’t think much of it. But then, the thought “What if I’m a lesbian?” wouldn’t leave my mind. So, I started searching online for answers like, “How to know if you’re a lesbian.” Things worsened when I came across a YouTube video where a girl said that if you even think about being a lesbian, it might be a sign. Before all this, I was 100% sure that I was straight and had always wanted a boyfriend so badly—having a boyfriend was my biggest wish for as long as I can remember. But I never really had intense crushes on anyone, so I began analyzing my past to look for any evidence that I might be a lesbian. I realized that I often admired girls, thought they were pretty and cool, and wanted to be friends with them. I wanted them to like me, but I also felt extreme jealousy and even wished bad things upon them (which I know isn’t right). There was one time when I had a physical response to a girl (before my hocd), and I thought this was evidence that I might be a lesbian. I also watch girls more in movies and they are always my fav character or inspire me and I was overall more focused on girls and i was sooo anxious and thinking that this is the proof. I was so scared and convinced that im a lesbian. But I never considered being intimate with girls in the same way I have with boys. Despite this, I convinced myself that I might have been secretly crushing on girls and just didn’t realize it. I became overwhelmed with anxiety, crying often, and constantly comparing my attractions to people I saw in real life or online. If I found a girl attractive, I’d freak out. I started imagining scenarios in my head, comparing what it would feel like to be with girls versus boys. Even if I didn’t want to be with a girl, I felt like I was lying to myself and not admitting the truth. I was analyzing my feelings and if some feeling felt wrong i’d freak out. I also became easily triggered by anything related to LGBTQ topics, especially on TikTok. It felt like everything was proof that I’m a lesbian, even though I know it may not mean anything. I find myself asking, “What if?” questions all the time. I also realized that I had previously been obsessed with the idea of having OCD (I feared going crazy and being imperfect). That obsession now feels similar to the one I’m experiencing about my sexuality. This uncertainty is overwhelming. It feels like the most important thing in my life right now. I’ve been struggling with this for about three months, and the thoughts, doubts, and fears are constant. Sometimes, it gets a little better, but then I start doubting whether it’s really HOCD or if I’m just in denial and hiding the truth from myself. I hate not being able to figure it out, and I feel like my mind is clouded. I just want to know for sure that it’s only HOCD and that I’m straight, but the fact that I can’t be 100% certain is really stressing me out. I constantly reassure myself by looking for answers online—through ChatGPT, Google, and YouTube. It helps for a while, but the anxiety/doubt always comes back. Most of the day i don’t even have anxiety and im just thinking about it. Anxiety comes just when something triggers me or i find a new “proof” for me being a lesbian. It feels like there is just so much proof and i just need to accept it. It’s stressing me out. Im also scared about what other people would think or if they would change a view on me like I did at the start but now i feel like ive normalized it and that it’s a part of me. So because of that my mind are saying that this is the proof that im in denial. I’m scared because I really want a boyfriend, but I’m afraid I won’t be able to fall in love with one. I worry that I’ll fall in love with a girl, and that I won’t be able to control it. It feels like my biggest dream—having a husband and kids—might not be possible for me. I don’t know what to do.

@Avinash Do you think that i have hocd?

@Avinash Yes like searching stuff on google or yt about hocd to reassure myself that i have it or making up scenarios in my head (but this usually makes things worse), also talking with other people about it and asking them if they think that i really have hocd, saying in my head that it’s just hocd, or checking my feelings (this also usually makes things worse), or comparing myself to straight women that they look like they could be lesbians and im like “there is no way that im a lesbian if she is straight” and it makes me calm

@Avinash Or like comparing my experience and straight women experience to see if its similar and if she also find girl attractive or cool even tho she wants to be in a relationship with a man. Sometimes these compulsions work but sometimes it makes me even more confused. But the doubt and thoughts always comes back

@Avinash I tried but it feels so real and i feel like im lying to myself. I did 1 week without reassurance on the social media but i still did mental reassurance without even realizing. And it was fine for a week i was feeling so much better but then it came back and i felt the need to reassure myself to feel better but it became worse. Im so scared that im really a lesbian.

@Avinash Yeah but what if its not hocd? And im really lesbian?? Or both😭😭

@Avinash Im scared that the therapist will tell me that it’s not hocd or tell me that i might be a lesbian

@spelamarela This is all the more reason to see a therapist. Most of us can replace our fear with exactly what you said: “I’m afraid my therapist will tell me it’s not OCD and I might really be (insert fear here.)”

@Breanna Some of us fear what you fear. Other fear that they are a danger to others; that they might harm themselves; that they are morally evil; that they might hurt a pet or a child; and the list goes on. The fear and thoughts don’t matter as much as the loop we get stuck in. That’s what the therapy will help you with.

@Breanna Yes but i was just asking if you guys think that i have ocd. I know i want it for reassurance but i need it right now…

@spelamarela I think u have

@Avinash I know but it feels so real. It feels like i have too much proof for me being a lesbian