*Long post* -ROCD

I’m lost, I’m exhausted, I’m angry. Keep askin myself why do I intentionally trigger my thoughts or think about a deragatory word when I get upset or create false narratives in my mind and feel my mouth moving a certain way when I do? Was I ever really in love w/ my ex or did I just feel sorry for her and wanted to help her when she needed someone the most? Why am I so fixated on her appearance? And always at the end of the month my feelings for her heighten then when I’m not about to start my period. I feel numb and feel like I don’t care as much. Why is it that you find someone that understands you more than you understand yourself and is so kind, gentle, understanding and everything aligns , but their appearance? But then I tell myself it shouldn’t matter/ it doesn’t matter, but my OCD fixates on their physical. It’s about how they make you feel and my ex made me feel heard and seen and always put me before her. My ex’s birthday was yesterday and I’m feeling a lot of guilt because I didn’t wish her a happy birthday. I know people have different opinions on wishing your ex a “happy birthday” or not but the reason why I didn’t was because I didn’t wanna lead her on. I didn’t wanna give her false hope cause I’m still tryna figure out how I feel. Apart of me wanted to because I just wanted to show her I’m thinking about her and wanted her to have a good birthday, but I didn’t wanna be selfish and have her think about me while she’s out having fun. I know when things start to fall apart and there’s nothing but Chaos, it’s god trying to test you but to also put your faith in him during frusterating times. When my ex and I were in a relationship I didn’t always put her first. I know I exhausted her and stressed her out and I regret that. I’m not perfect, I’m trying to better myself. We all know you can’t change the pass, but I wish I knew what I knew now vs what I new then. But I also tell myself that I did my best I could at the time. At the time, I wasn’t even aware of “flare ups.” Instead of snapping a her when I had an instrusive thought, I couldn’t just said…”hey I’m having a flare up. I need a min.” Something as easy as that, but again I didn’t know at the time. I just remeber the thought was triggering me so much it made me depressed and I didn’t know how to explain my thoughts to her. I read this quote that said, “someone’s effort of affection is how they feel about you.” I shouldn’t have read that because it got in my head. My OCD was telling me “you didn’t care to say happy birthday to her. She knows you don’t care about her.” I wish I didn’t have OCD and I’m sure yall feel the same way. Maybe my ex and I will never get back together, maybe she’ll move on and find better, maybe we’ll find eachother again. I pray to god. I know he’s listening and watching over me always. And yes I do see my therapist 2 times a week and I’ve told her this stuff. We are doing ERP, but I thought I would’ve made more progress than what I have been making. Small progress is progress tho. But anyways I just wanted to vent. Maybe someone here can relate ?

I've been in this relationship for 1.5 yrs on and off and what I like about her is She's smart, beautiful, cleans, she says she loves me, she cooks for me. But what I noticed about this person from the beginning is that she is negative about her past, such as getting her things stolen, going to mental hospitals back to back and people did her wrong. And I was there to be there for her such as when she is in pain, I take her to doctors, or whatever I can do to make her feel better. But I've noticed throughout the relationship that she checks on my phone and checks if im talking to someone. And always mixes up with her memory thinking I cheating on her on the relationship.. honestly her memory is not clear. Most of the time she would ask me am I talking to a girl or when I do uber do I casual talk to them, and the conversation I have is just about, How's the neighborhood here? The food around here. About God.. Nothing flirtatious what's so ever. But she always give me a conversation about other women. 2x I spoke to her about my ocd. (1st time I broke up with her because she was angry at me, and I can understand and so I broke it off) One was sexual thoughts during sex 2nd time (is an ex theme) Because I know she hates these subjects so I avoid it. This is why I tell myself don't have these thoughts, the more I don't want them, it appears in my awareness and it causes me emotional distress. I've told her about it (it could be a compulsion) she wasn't happy and seemed mad about it. So I just feel like just call it quits... because I've tried my very best to get rid of these thoughts and don't want to give her pain. I can understand why she is angry and that she loves me ( she reaches out and wants to work things out ) But what I truly do not like is when she gets mad when there are no problems such as that uber issue, she would say ok if you do that I'll talk to guys then, (in my head, what do you mean? In what way? I wasn't flirtatious or anything) What I believe is how we grew up and raised different. Throughout the relationship, when we argue (mostly about women, about her issues like who are you texting is it a girl? She would vent all the time about how she hates her workplace and jumps from job to job) My beliefs if we love each other, we should encourage each other to grow. there is no reason to opposing us from growing - to be angry, jealous, arguments etc. I do believe in God. That is why most of the time I feel like she is always talking about the past mistakes - she talked down on me about being with a prostitute - 7 yrs ago (way before this relationship started). She curses alot.. And for all these reasons I should quit the relationship. But she has the nerve to say I am unstable and that she is tired of hearing I keep kicking her out the house (it didn't happen, but she doesn't realize my needs - as in why aren't we growing from this area? - as in why are you always mad at people from work? Or why do you get annoyed all the time? I give her advice in these areas but she knows im tired of hearing about this. So she talks to her family about it. But i realized she wanted me to care for her... i do but i also do tough love... we cant just vent 24/7.) And when I told her about my ocd and broken up due to the fact of having sexual images ( I can't control it) She moved to TX and I visited her a couple times. She said she is suffering without me. And so i took her back. She don't like to talk about exes so the theme ex stuck in my head and I wanted to get rid of it. That's what cause the second breakup. I confessed to her about my problems of why the breakup happened and it seemed like she couldn't accept it , she does not understand ocd and she said she don't care. I blocked her and she was going to send me a message saying she will be there for me and love me alot and wants to grow together. But I am still resentful for what happened. Til this day I'm still afraid of her and my thoughts whenever I'm around her. -- Now she wants to marry me.. but I'm unsure because it seems forceful and that she doesn't understand what I'm going through. Even when we communicate I feel she will judge me for my ocd (even when i look for help) and I feel resentful because I feel like I did nothing wrong. There is no other woman involved, no cheating. It's just my ocd and she keeps saying I think of my ex all the time. I am not trying to hold on to flaws but thinking back of her patterns haunts me. I love her. We have seperated for months and she said she is having problems with the landlord.. So it tells me something why is she having problems with other people alot?? Whenever she's around my ocd flares up, when she's not around I feel ease but in a week, I would feel like I miss her and want to be back with her again... it's really confusing -- Today, I did ERP and the thought appeared less but she wants to be back with me and move in with me. And also marry me. But today I've been thinking of her flaws (angry, suspect me alot if there is another woman, use petty things when there arent any real issue.. the real issue is she is annoyed all the time). We say we love each other. I do love her. Sometimes I want to quit permanently, sometimes I don't. I'm confused, is this OCD? I don't know if I should stay with her. Thanks for reading my post. Any advice is appreciated. I'll also message this to my therapist. I dont feel distressed about breaking up, but can these thoughts lead you to breaking up? ( I think I answered my own question but need to know)

Hello everyone, I'm writing this because I've been struggling heavily for the past two months. I went through a breakup that I won't go into vast detail about. However, it was very abrupt with little "closure" or reasoning. It was simply based off of intuition from the other person, which is completely valid - he also said I didn't do anything wrong. This uncertainty already sounds like an OCD nightmare, which is why I'm sharing my story. There was no incompatibility, unshared values, patterns. Probably just no communication on his end towards when he started having this feeling. I thought this person was MY person, and it certainly was heavily reciprocated and initiated by him. He is also my coworker, and someone I went into a relationship with massive intentions, the slow burn and serendipity of it was special to me. This connection was a safe space and I put all my trust into him, he was my rock romantically and when things were good, he really built that trust up with me and I never wanted to let it go. I also thought I was a good partner, and tried my best. Of course I still had my family/friends, school, apartment life, career. I really felt like everything in my life had lined up and this relationship was the cherry on top for a while. Obviously we both made mistakes and there was ups and downs, but I never once questioned my love for him or thought he might suddenly leave. Which is something that can happen to anyone. After our breakup, I felt completely lost, betrayed, blindsided.....and to make matters worse, I blame myself for everything and my OCD immediately went into max gear. The uncertainty of the entire situation was so scary to me, all I could say or think was that I was scared. And I wasn't ready to face the pain that was about to come, not to mention the OCD already creeping up into full panic mode, especially without a person I considered a huge support system. OCD looks for clarity - not just me as a human looking for clarity. It felt like there was layers and layers of complexity for me that I couldn't face, if that makes sense. Unfortunately, I made a horrible mistake and attempted S. After going through an extremely vulnerable situation at the hospital, I went through inpatient and found it extremely difficult to accept my old life was simply gone, out of thin air. After I came out, I couldn't even be in my own apartment. I didn't feel safe, in a place I worked hard to get and felt "independent" in. Independence was one of my biggest personal values, now I feel anxiously attached. I also didn't feel safe at work, which was once a good distraction for me and something I also worked hard towards, I can't quit. And not to mention, the loss of an important relationship. I sought support from my family, who has been so unbelievably supportive and I also started to try to figure out what I was going to do. It was extremely hard trying to find an Intensive Outpatient Program that would work with my schedule, and also I was set to start my new semester in school again soon. I ended up setting up therapy with NO OCD twice a week. My therapist has been EXTREMELY helpful, and I honestly did not think that finding someone specialized in OCD would be so life changing. Anyway after everything that happened, I'm still struggling with feeling like a BAD person. It's my reoccurring theme. I thought that I was somehow a manipulator because of my attempt. I know I reacted poorly, but I'm also learning to give myself grace for the pure pain anyone would feel and know that it was an isolated incident (never talked about it before, especially not in relationship). I also try to remind myself that my situation is unique and only I know the pain. I also think back again and again, to every little thing I could have done wrong and it hurts me. I think about isolated mistakes or things I said, and think that's the reason why my whole relationship failed. I take the blame for everything. And it all ties back to me being a bad person. It feels like it's never ending. Sometimes I feel good, but it's still really hard to stop the cycle for me. I think about every little thing. I honestly couldn't even slightly comprehend how someone can vastly change their behavior - it felt like he truly died. That person who I got into a relationship, was no longer here. Interpreting his behavior, actions and words has been difficult, not to mention my own - but It's easier for me as I continue to give myself grace knowing that I did what I could within the relationship with the information I had. I also try to remind myself that I took a lot of accountability, and would have listened if things were brought up. The same mistakes I made, were not the same he made - but OCD keeps trying to make me overly reflect on myself only, if that makes sense. Taking OCD away completely - interpreting that is already complex. Adding OCD, it's horrible...my brain keep trying to find certainty in SOMETHING, anything. So little things come to my head, and suddenly I'm a bad person. Suddenly, he's reached happiness and I lost him because....I'm a bad person. Suddenly I was too needy, too much, showed my OCD, and he thought I was a bad person. It's honestly exhausting. I've never hid my OCD, but I did feel like I was actively working on it and also trying to be a good partner, sister, daughter, friend. I was content, and I wasn't expecting this or maybe I would have been more prepared, I've had breakups before with longer relationships. It's hard to know how OCD just came into FULL gear after this hardship, it's hard to know that - although I was working on it - I felt content and wasn't experiencing symptoms regularly. Suddenly, I was in full panic mode all the time. It's made me question my entire reality, I hope this makes sense. I know the levels of this were traumatic, and I am doing A LOT better just two months in. I'm looking forward to more progress and hope that I can accept uncertainty more and more. Regardless of how I felt, he can suddenly leave and without reason. And I'm learning that not everything is my fault, and that I have so many good things in my life I should be grateful for. Although when I came out of the hospital everything was flipped upside down, I still have a job....an apartment and family/friends and school, not to mention the work I need to do on myself and OCD. Maybe one aspect of my life (relationship), is gone - but everything else is still there. It's hard, I've been staying with my mom and this weekend I'm going back to my apartment to face my loneliness. With the help of my therapist, I'm learning to be uncomfortable in my apartment. I think this experience has COMPLETELY broken me as a person, but because of it I was able to face my OCD head on in a way I've NEVER had to do before. I could have probably kept it symptom free for the most part, but this has challenged me in a way I never thought possible - almost as if - I get through this, I might be able to defeat it. And also understand pain on such a deep level, that I can be there for my family, friends, etc in a new way I never thought possible. I probably forgot to include a lot of stuff, but lets just accept that it's extremely complex to explain - and all I know is that I'm not a bad person because OCD says so.....separating the relationship from the attempt. In the relationship, I tried my absolute best and we both made mistakes. In the attempt, I can acknowledge my pain and move forward from it in a non judgmental and graceful way. Even though I delt with extreme guilt for putting my family through something they couldn't understand and guilt for myself and for everyone involved, even though I know it's okay.