can anyone give me advice in comments?

@Someone99 TRIGGER WARNING; ROCD struggles I have a girlfriend of 5 years. I have been struggling with these thoughts since early February when our anniversary came up which I guess was the trigger, but this isn’t the first time I have had ROCD. I’ve had ROCD several times. I have been wondering if I’m attracted to her, if I was ever attracted to her, etc; but the thing that is tripping me up is these feelings feel so genuine and real, when I ask myself if I am attracted or not the anxiety completely goes away and it feels genuine like I know the answer to my question. I have had these thoughts before (like genuinely asking myself these questions I think?) but I sort of ignored them. Everytime I talk about this the anxiety goes away as if I know the truth. But I love her. I truly do love her, but I’m scared I was never attracted to her. I’m begging myself to just be attracted to her just begging myself. It has made things harder; like holding her hand etc because my thought process is “if I’m not attracted to her I can’t hold her hand because I’m using her”. Basically, I feel like I’m using her because I feel like I’m not attracted so I have avoided any kind of gestures like holding her hand. What do I do? These feelings feel genuine and real so I don’t know.

@Someone99 I have had these thoughts before, because of that I’m worried it isn’t ROCD as I had these thoughts before OCD really kicked in for me. As far as level of commitment I don’t know. It’s hard for me to know because of how I’m feeling, but I used to picture us being married and doing simple things for her like cooking in the kitchen together, etc. I’m hesitant to tell her how I feel in the case it’s true, but at the same time I know that’s selfish. I’m nervous and numb right now so I do not know how I feel, I can’t answer. I almost broke up with her because I had a moment of absolute numbness during an argument. I don’t know if it’s because of how I have been feeling these passed few weeks but I am scared.

@Someone99 I do have a lot of healing to do. I want to move on from this worry but my mind is stuck on the “what if I was never attracted” part, and if after I do heal I do feel attracted, then I’ll wonder if the first 5 years was just a lie and etc etc. Even if I do feel attracted after healing I would still have to address the first 5 years.