can anyone give me advice in comments?

@Someone99 TRIGGER WARNING; ROCD struggles I have a girlfriend of 5 years. I have been struggling with these thoughts since early February when our anniversary came up which I guess was the trigger, but this isn’t the first time I have had ROCD. I’ve had ROCD several times. I have been wondering if I’m attracted to her, if I was ever attracted to her, etc; but the thing that is tripping me up is these feelings feel so genuine and real, when I ask myself if I am attracted or not the anxiety completely goes away and it feels genuine like I know the answer to my question. I have had these thoughts before (like genuinely asking myself these questions I think?) but I sort of ignored them. Everytime I talk about this the anxiety goes away as if I know the truth. But I love her. I truly do love her, but I’m scared I was never attracted to her. I’m begging myself to just be attracted to her just begging myself. It has made things harder; like holding her hand etc because my thought process is “if I’m not attracted to her I can’t hold her hand because I’m using her”. Basically, I feel like I’m using her because I feel like I’m not attracted so I have avoided any kind of gestures like holding her hand. What do I do? These feelings feel genuine and real so I don’t know.

@vaIentine So you're describing a lack of physical attraction? Since early Feb was only a few weeks compared to the 5 years you've had together already. In the scope of a long term relationship, these attractions will change, that's when we learn what love really is. What do you do? Only you know the answer to that. What level of commitment do you have? Do you live together? All these things are important because she is a valuable human being, so communicate openly. Allow her in to your struggle at the moment. I've been married 32 years, lots of stuff happens, in the end it's a choice, do we work together as one, or not.

@Someone99 I have had these thoughts before, because of that I’m worried it isn’t ROCD as I had these thoughts before OCD really kicked in for me. As far as level of commitment I don’t know. It’s hard for me to know because of how I’m feeling, but I used to picture us being married and doing simple things for her like cooking in the kitchen together, etc. I’m hesitant to tell her how I feel in the case it’s true, but at the same time I know that’s selfish. I’m nervous and numb right now so I do not know how I feel, I can’t answer. I almost broke up with her because I had a moment of absolute numbness during an argument. I don’t know if it’s because of how I have been feeling these passed few weeks but I am scared.

@vaIentine What about you. How was your family life growing up? Can you identify any insecurities or pain from the past that may need healing? OCD actually caused us to act, actually react to situations. It's actually a lymbic response, like when someone throws a ball at your face and you block it without even thinking about it, that's the lymbic system in action. I get extremely reactive when I'm in an OCD crisis, that's my number one red flag that I need help. Maybe emotionally you're reacting to something, as a means of protecting yourself?

@Someone99 I do have a lot of healing to do. I want to move on from this worry but my mind is stuck on the “what if I was never attracted” part, and if after I do heal I do feel attracted, then I’ll wonder if the first 5 years was just a lie and etc etc. Even if I do feel attracted after healing I would still have to address the first 5 years.

@vaIentine The first 5 years were wonderful memories. You can't change them. You can make a better tomorrow.