ROCD long post

I’m looking at old pictures and videos of my ex and I didn’t feel a spark or anything looking at them. During our relationship there were times I found her attractive and other times I didn’t. Almost like her weight triggered me and I felt guilty about that because I really tried to not focus on that. I don’t know why I was/am so fixated on her weight. I was doing the “what ifs” as a form of ERP. I was saying in my head, “what if she’s big what if she’s not” while looking at these pictures and videos. And then looking at it again, I was trying to remember what I felt when I was with her and took out the physical and it made my anxiety go down a bit. But I don’t wanna force anything or get myself too hyped up but for that second I felt at ease. I’m ngl I’m a little more confident then I was a year ago w/ myself. Sometimes I ask myself, “was I fixated on her weight and certain people seeing her bc I was uncomfortable about how I looked?” I’m trying to sit with uncertainty. I know this is a process and I am scared what’s gonna happen. “What if she moves on? What if I do?” I feel like I don’t know what love is anymore or if I ever was attracted to her in the first place. I’m also scared that if she does lose weight I’ll like her more and become more attracted. I’ve looked a pictures of her before and it triggers me bc I am attracted a little bit more and that makes me feel guilty. I know looks aren’t everything and they shouldn’t be. She’s honestly the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Does there need to be a spark all the time or does it fade in a relationship? Before getting on this app and seeing a therapist, we were talking everyday and I felt like when we would FaceTime I would look at her physical and my instrusive thoughts would kick in. I noticed that certain ways she layed or turned her head, I felt more attracted to her and I hated that. She had dyed her hair back in November and I felt more attracted to her , but my thoughts got to me and I felt like if I flirted it would come off fake. My thoughts would say, “she’s more attractive bc she has different color.” I kept my distance because I thought maybe if I continue to see my therapist and get on medication i would feel differently. I was hoping something would happen or I would feel something like I did when we first got together. But I’ll be honest when I first met her I wasn’t attracted. So maybe this isn’t an OCD thing? I’m confused. But I feel more confident with myself now, but I know I still have a long way to go. I’ve only been in therapy for 6 months. I’m just getting impatient and I’m trying not to.

_IDK_0023

Date posted: 27w

Okay this is kind of where I struggle. This is my take: If a ball is factually red, then the “The ball may or may not be red” is not applicable. Because if it is a fact that the ball is red, it can’t be left to uncertainty.. you know? But. I think I take it that way because I struggle with harm OCD, & the lie is “I’m going to harm someone” so I have to say “I may or may not harm someone.” I don’t want to sound ignorant I promise.. Maybe you had intrusive thoughts about her weight even when It truly didn’t bother you. There are couples out there who have a spouse that has dropped lots of weight, & they still accept them because they’re in love with what’s in their soul. Because at the end of the day, they’re still who they are in their body. BUT, If my spouse lost weight I’d be lowkey devastated because I love them a lil’ chunky & it wouldn’t be the same.. & I’m gonna let you know, that new puppy love spark does fade sometimes & that’s a really hard truth for most people to accept. you’re not alone in that. It doesn’t mean they don’t love you or you don’t love them- If anything I see it as a good thing because you’ve hit a point in your relationship where you are comfortable with each other. I know she’s your ex, & I’m truly sorry if you’d broke things off with her due to OCD thoughts because that’s why I’m trying to stay afloat now. But I hope you find the peace you’re searching for & I hope I helped a little. I don’t give a lot of input because I cannot stand Ignorant people & I don’t want to be one of them

miss_anonymous

Date posted: 27w

@Anonymous Do you mind explaining the first part a little bit more? It did help a little. I hate to even admit this but I almost don’t want her to lose weight bc it won’t be the same . Also I would feel guilty because I feel like I would like her more. I try and look passed it like I said before. Somedays I’m like.. “no I love her for her” and others days I’m so fixated on her weight that my brain says, “this will not work.” It’s frustrating. She’s everything I would want in a girlfriend /wife. She understands me more than I understand myself at times. I love her personality. We click emotionally and I’m not trying to get TMI but I feel like if u weren’t attracted to them you wouldn’t be intimate Yk? Idk. Also when I’m PMSING or on my period I care more about her but when I’m off I feel like I don’t care and I don’t like that. It’s like my feelings go away and I’m numb. I understand feelings get heightened during your period, but why can’t I feel these feelings when I’m off of it?

_IDK_0023

Date posted: 27w

@miss_anonymous to explain the first part a little better, we use “may or may not” to leave a specific fear we have up to uncertainty. so if she is (by a fact) a bigger sized girl, then saying “she may or may not be big” is probably the wrong placement for it. id say “i may or may not like her the way she is” “i may or may not be attracted” it’s all about the placement of where you put the “may or may nots.” you know? but my situation is different cause with harm ocd, i know for a fact i wouldn’t desire harming someone so i have to say “i may or may not harm someone” to leave that anxiety up to uncertainty. i don’t think you have anxiety because she’s a bigger girl, you have anxiety because you’re afraid of your mixed feelings about her being a bigger girl.. ya know?? i don’t want to think or speak for you, but i do know that where you place the “may or may nots” play a big role in your process to battling ocd. and about the period, don’t beat yourself up for it because it will fuck with your hormones a lot. my ocd symptoms & anxiety are completely out of control the week prior & during my period. it feels as though all the mental training id spent so much time & effort on have completely flew out of my mind & i have to regain that regrounding mental stability & it sucks. have you ever been open with her about this? i could see why her feelings would be hurt so it makes sense if this is something you can’t share with her. that is definitely one of the hardest parts

_IDK_0023

Date posted: 27w

@Anonymous also, do you pay for therapy here through the app with someone? i would ask him/her more about what you should be directing the may or may nots to. may or may nots can cause grey areas that make it a little more complicated. here’s where i feel like it can get messy: if you’re running late for work & you say “i may or may not be running late for work oh well” or if you’re cheating on a test & you say “i may or may not be cheating on a test” that’s where i feel like the may or may nots are being abused & more excuses as opposed to an exposure response. not saying that’s what you’re doing but i’m sharing this with you because i have self confliction about that whole thing 🤔🤔

miss_anonymous

Date posted: 27w

@Anonymous I haven’t been open to her about this and I don’t think I will. I do see what you’re saying tho. I appreciate you for clearing that up

miss_anonymous

Date posted: 27w

@Anonymous My therapist and I have talked about it a little bit, but I’ll definitely bring the “may or may nots” up more

miss_anonymous

Date posted: 27w

@Anonymous To be honest I feel like I’m triggered a little about u saying “I have anxiety bc of my mixed feelings about her being bigger.” Idk why. I know that wasn’t ur intention. Idk… now all these thoughts are popping up and I’m ruminating and it’s making me think that It is true and what does that say about me?😞 Like I shouldn’t be with someone if I have “mixed feelings.” I feel guilty

_IDK_0023

Date posted: 26w

@miss_anonymous yeah, I may have said the wrong thing because I don’t know you & I’m not in your mind so I apologize if that triggered something.. From what it sounds like you are experiencing anxiety & confusion because of her weight & how it has affected your attraction; is that right? Sometimes I get a little confused & word things completely wrong 🫠 I do apologize

_IDK_0023

Date posted: 26w

@Anonymous If I have a genuine feeling about something (that I end up feeling guilty for), I have to remember not to beat myself up for it because sometimes feelings are not a choice or done with ill intent to be malicious on purpose. Sometimes we simply cannot help what we feel because we are only human.

_IDK_0023

Date posted: 26w

@Anonymous & I re-read back to when i said “mixed feelings”, I meant the confusion of how you feel about her weight. I hope that makes a little more sense. Mixed feelings wasn’t a really thoughtful way to describe that

e2222

Date posted: 24w

Relationship OCD?/am I just evil

I am in a relatively new relationship (around 2 months) and it has been completely virtual due to varying circumstances. I have never been in a serious relationship before and my past “exes” have never been this serious or brought up any of these feelings. About a month in I started having tons of symptoms and thoughts I figured were due to an SSRI change (i eventually went back to my original med/dose) however, it has remained quite bad since. Thoughts include: -I don’t actually like my partner, I just like the feeling of being wanted -I have crushes on other people, including my partners friends who I barely know -I don’t feel butterflies so I must be losing feelings for him -I think he’s ugly/im just not attracted to him -I’m secretly a lesbian and I’m wasting his time by being with him -a general feeling of dread, wrongness, or needing out of the relationship -not being able to believe him when he reassures me about everything -all of the above is just my genuine feelings and I’m using ocd as an excuse These are obviously crazy things to think, however one of my biggest compulsions is confession and self sabotage so I have told my partner all of these things in detail. He’s really great and patient about all of it but I can tell it weighs on him. Hes even recently expressed feeling like it’s his fault and that he wonders if it wouldn’t be this bad if I was with someone else. I feel so miserable but i feel like I’d be miserable in any relationship but im scared that’s not the truth and my ocd isn’t real. When it’s good i feel the most romantic love for him I’ve ever felt toward anyone ever. He’s an incredible person but I just feel so alone and lost on what to do. I’ve literally tried to break up with him like five times and each time we’ve ended up wanting to stay together. I’m really really scared I’ll never get better or this is simply the wrong relationship for me.

Anonymous

Date posted: 22w

is it rocd or just a relationship?

hey you guys i’m new to the app, i just wanted to come on here and share part of what i’ve been struggling with recently- around the beginning of 2024 i started having intrusive thoughts and they completely took over my life to the point where i began planning my suicide once i had finished out some of my commitments for that year. during that time i met this girl and we began texting and keeping in touch with each other every single day since last february. (tw suicide) unfortunately i did have to spend some time in a hospital after i attempted suicide in may of 2024 and i never really knew if this girl was into me or if she even liked girls but we kept talking up until the end of october where we finally said we liked each other. immediately i could tell smth was wrong bc i was shaking and crying and completely scared because i wanted to be very clear that i couldn’t commit to a relationship and then i disclosed to her i was in the hospital in may and i still hadn’t fully recovered from that (#stillhavent #butiwillsoitsokay😛) and i felt awful that i had responded to such an amazing moment like that andever since then i had been plagued with these constant thoughts about not liking her, being straight (which i still don’t know and fully branched out into SOOCD and i have an incredibly hard time distinguishing what is OCD and what is genuinely true about my sexuality because ive never really felt like this for a girl) and for about 4 months we went out on dates where i felt absolutely horrible because i felt like i wasn’t acting like myself or i was being rude to her or i was more attracted to male passerby’s than her or i accidentally thought something about her that just felt so mean and horrible. i also convinced myself it could never work because i couldn’t picture her face and that continued for the first two months, but then i decided to call things off at the beginning of march because i just couldn’t handle debating if i actually liked her if i was gay if i was a horrible person and if i was wrong for all the things i thought every single day and currently we’re on a break because i tried to call things off and she kind of talked me out of it in a very kind and understanding way. i just hate leaving her in limbo because at the end of the day i just want her to be happy because she is an amazing incredible and sweet person and if i wasted more of her time i’d feel even more awful. kinda long lowk… if u read all this thank u and lmk what u think:)

polish_germa...

Date posted: 19w

Can it still be OCD if I don’t feel sexual attraction to my partner anymore?

Hi everyone, I’m a 30-year-old woman, and I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 5 years. I’ve always felt emotionally close to him — he’s caring, supportive, and we planned a future together, including having a family. I don’t want to leave him. He means so much to me. But for a while now, I’ve been obsessing over the fact that I don’t feel much sexual attraction to him anymore. It’s not like I never felt anything — when we first met, there were butterflies, excitement, emotional connection… something real. He was never “just a friend” to me. But the physical side of the relationship feels like it’s slowly faded, and I’m panicking about what that means. I keep thinking things like: – “Maybe I chose the wrong person.” – “You can’t be in love without sexual desire.” – “If I was truly in love, I would still want him.” – “What if I’ve been lying to myself this whole time?” Sometimes my body reacts — I can feel physical closeness or even arousal — but my mind shuts down and says: “no, this isn’t right.” Other times, I feel tension, resistance, or even disgust during intimacy, and I can’t tell if that’s anxiety or if something is fundamentally wrong. What makes this even more confusing is that I truly believe that real love includes sexual attraction. For me, it’s all part of one feeling — not separate. So if the attraction is gone, does that mean the love is too? Is it possible that this is still OCD — that my mind is obsessing and disconnecting me from my real feelings? Has anyone experienced something similar? Any support would mean so much. I feel so stuck between my mind and my heart.

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