I've struggled with anxiety, depression, and OCD since I was about 12. Now at 40, I still deal with it daily. I take Aropax, which helps keep my anxiety under control, but I still overthink, have negative thoughts, and battle intrusive worries. Despite this, I manage to function.
I spent over a year saving for a 10-day overseas trip, working nonstop and doing as much overtime as possible. On top of that, my partner lost his job, so I’ve been supporting him financially and even covered his share of the trip. The stress of it all—work, finances, and life—was overwhelming.
Finally, we went on the trip, and on the second night, I had four mixed drinks. The bartender made them strong, and since I had barely eaten due to an upset stomach, the alcohol hit me harder than usual. I don’t like drinking much and always stop before getting drunk because I hate the feeling of losing control—it triggers my OCD-related uncertainty. That night, I ended up vomiting, which made me feel even worse.
The next morning, I woke up with palpitations, shakes, and intense anxiety. What made it worse is my partner said I did something that I don't recall, nothing bad, but because I don't remember every single thing I said and done that night, now I am so stressed. If I drink which isn't often, I usually stop at one or two. Or I have 2, have some waters, slow the drinking down and then maybe have another one or two. But I usually also write notes in my mobile phone saying at this time I did this, I was here, I had this many drinks, I was sitting near this person and so on. But that night a the bar overseas I didn't write any of my notes because I think I WAS feeling relaxed and happy.
But because of that night now for the next seven days, my anxiety was relentless, especially in the mornings. I was only getting about 4-5 hours of sleep each night, which made everything worse. By the evenings, I’d feel a little better, but every morning, the anxiety would hit me again.
What upsets me the most is that I was so excited for this trip—I worked so hard for it—but instead of feeling happy and relaxed, I felt terrible the whole time. Now that I’m back home, I still don’t feel good. I’m still waking up with shakes and palpitations, and I don’t understand why.
Has anyone else experienced this? When you’ve looked forward to something for so long, only for your anxiety to ruin it? Could it be all the stress leading up to the trip? The alcohol? Or something else?
Is this my OCD at play? I can’t remember every single detail of what was said and done that night, which leaves a sense of uncertainty in my mind. That uncertainty is exactly what OCD latches onto, making me overthink—Did I do something bad? Did I hurt someone? Did I say something that could have upset someone? Did I do something illegal?
These intrusive thoughts keep circling in my mind, and it’s exhausting.
