Relationship

I met my boyfriend unexpectedly. Obviously you don’t become boyfriend and girlfriend the day you meet . It takes time to get to know eachother and then you become that . But before I met him I had a little fling with someone & I continued to still talk to him and hangout with him until me and my boyfriend now got serious . Is that wrong ? Am I a cheater ? I cut off the other guy like a week into me and the new boyfriend getting to know eachother . But even when I cut the guy off my boyfriend was still out here flirting and hanging with other girls until we became serious . Which I don’t care about anymore . But does that make me a cheater ?

User type: Therapist

Date posted: 21d ago

Reassurance seeking is so powerful. But, here is the problem. 99 out of 100 people here could say no and that would not be enough. 1 out of 100 might say yes, and that is totally enough. You will believe that person is the only one telling you the truth and everyone else is just being nice to you. So, there really is no answer to your question. What you will really do best with is living with the uncertainty and allowing yourself to learn that you can handle that.

Chickenwang123

Date posted: 21d ago

@Patrick McGrath I need advice on my post . Other opinions .

Andrea Wells

Date posted: 17d ago

Does that make you a cheater? Maybe, maybe not. Different couples have different parameters for what counts as "cheating" in a relationship. Usually that is undefined at the beginning and the lines get blurred. That's probably why your OCD has latched onto worrying about this, because it's hard to know for sure. OCD thrives on uncertainty. It also thrives on doubt, so even if you did get an answer, OCD would just have you back to square one again anyway. I'm sorry you are struggling with this question. I have struggled in similar ways with OCD. Have you ever done specialized therapy for OCD? It can help a lot with finding peace from this.

Chickenwang123

Date posted: 17d ago

@Andrea Wells But I want advice . I’m asking what others think

Andrea Wells

Date posted: 16d ago

@Chickenwang123 - I tried to give advice and support, I apologize for missing the mark. Can you explain what aspect you specifically want advice on that I missed? I'll try again to help you.

Chickenwang123

Date posted: 16d ago

@Andrea Wells Do you personally think that is cheating . We were not dating . I met him a day before . We didn’t even go on a date or anything . But I stopped talking to the guy like after a week after me and my bf started to go on dates and get to know eachother

Andrea Wells

Date posted: 15d ago

@Chickenwang123 - I mean this with the utmost kindness - I have no opinion on if that's cheating or not. My opinion doesn't matter anyway. No matter what I, or anyone else says, it won't be good enough for OCD. It will continue to question and doubt. Giving reassurance makes OCD worse in the long run, and I want to help you in the long run rather than provide temporary relief that only makes things worse. I do want to say that I am sorry you are struggling with this worry. I have struggled with it too in my relationship and with my OCD. I know it can be extremely distressing and concerning and like you NEED a clear answer. Please know that the way to find that relief you are looking for is by learning how to tolerate uncertainty and distress through ERP therapy. This is what brings you peace from this so you can enjoy your relationship and your life free from these concerns about if you cheated or not.

Chickenwang123

Date posted: 14d ago

@Andrea Wells Doesn’t that mean I have to confess though? Because if I might have done something wrong ? I can’t drag it on my whole relationship acting like I’m a good person when I might have done the most horrible thing ever

Andrea Wells

Date posted: 10d ago

@Chickenwang123 - An urge to confess can be another symptom of OCD. I again want to encourage you to meet with an OCD specialist that does ERP. I know how distressing these questions and relationship concerns are and I'm very sorry you are experiencing it. I know it's hell. Ultimately, the problem is not your relationship or you or what you may or may not have done. The problem is OCD. It's a disorder in the brain that causes us to have these worries and distress. I understand needing to find answers and clarity. The best way to get that is through ERP.

User type: Therapist

Date posted: 8d ago

It sounds like you're really reflecting on your actions and questioning if they align with your values, which is a good first step in navigating these feelings. From an OCD perspective, it’s important to distinguish between the intrusive thoughts that may be making you feel guilty or uncertain and what the actual situation was. However, what you’re experiencing may be a form of “relationship OCD,” which can cause you to overthink these types of situations and feel uncertain about whether you’ve done something wrong, even if logically you know the answer. This is common with OCD, where your mind might latch onto the smallest doubts and amplify them. It’s helpful to acknowledge that this doubt might be driven by your OCD, rather than guilt from actual wrongdoing. If these doubts continue to cause distress or make you feel overwhelmed, I would suggest speaking with a therapist who specializes in OCD to help separate the OCD-related thoughts from the actual reality of the situation.

savvyp

Date posted: 25w ago

Can anyone relate?

I keep feeling bad that I didn’t find my partner that cute at first. I didn’t think he was unattractive but when I first met him it was at work and him and this other guy were new. I thought the other guy was more attractive at the time. I even vocalized it to a friend. NOW my boyfriend is my whole world and I think he’s the most handsome man ever. Even more handsome than the guy I originally thought was cute. I don’t have a problem with his appearance or anything. I just feel guilty over not finding him more attractive than the other guy. It feels wrong and of course my thoughts are saying I should tell him this but I know it’ll just hurt his feelings.

King silly

Date posted: 20w ago

Help?

I was in this game with this person and I noticed his voice was deep, and his avatar looked attractive to me?? and my brain was like “his voice is so??? And his avatar kinda fine too” like omg, shut up, I’m not taken yet but I still want to be in this relationship with this other guy, I feel like there’s nothing I can do and I’ll always be a cheater, I don’t even know how I feel, like do I actually want to cheat??? And it freaks me out because I don’t even know how I feel? Because sometimes I’ll get a feeling that agrees with it, like I’ll have that feeling that wants me to date them and then I’ll hear something like “yeah I would” / “yeah I agree with that” ,, now I feel like I’ll be a cheater and I’m really scared, I would NEVER cheat, nor would I trade this boy for anything, but I can’t do it. I just need to know what to do.

Relationship OCD

issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 5w ago

I feel like a cheater, please help :(

I’ve been struggling with something that’s been really overwhelming, and I’m hoping to get some perspective from others here. I feel a lot of guilt about it, and I’m not sure if I’m alone in this experience. Lately, I’ve found myself daydreaming about romantic situations or getting caught up in ‘what if’ scenarios—where I wonder if I could develop feelings for someone else, or if someone develops feelings for me. The thing is, I’m in a relationship that I love, and I don’t want to act on these thoughts at all. What makes it even harder is that these thoughts often hyperfixate on one specific friend, and sometimes they feel entertaining or give me a dopamine rush. But then, of course, I feel even more guilty because it makes me feel like I’m betraying my boyfriend. These thoughts usually happen when I’m upset and looking for comfort, but then they morph into romantic scenarios, which makes me feel so disloyal. I’m constantly going back and forth between feeling curious or entertained by the thoughts and then feeling horrible for even allowing them to happen in the first place. I keep confessing these thoughts to my boyfriend, and he tries to be understanding. He’s just never been the type to daydream, so he doesn’t know if this is something other people experience or if it’s just me. I feel like such an awful girlfriend. Has anyone else dealt with something like this?

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