Pissed off 18+ only

I just remembered thoughts of my childhood where I was shut down by my peers when I tried to do something but did it incorrectly. I remember it bothering me a lot, and I remember voicing my frustration for not liking how the majority of my peers harshly rejected my answer. I remember saying out loud "Well, I'm trying" to them. This was super early in elementary school. Other times where I remember being shut down badly was with people that didn't really care about what I had to say about certain things or just not fitting in with people because my interests were so different from theirs. To this day, I still find that this happens as an adult now. This mostly happens with music. I primarily listen to music from video games and while that was never something that bothered me, what did bother me is what others may think of it. I'm always focusing on what others think about the things that I do. I'm always trying to prepare myself for that negative criticism, but even when it does hypothetically show itself, I still find myself unable to take it well. I'm starting to think this is where my lack of confidence comes from. It's mainly showing itself to the idea of dating, which I have no experience with. I'm always worried that I'm going to mess something up, which would also mean hurting someone if I do mess up a relationship, but I also don't think I'm ever fully ready or capable of a relationship because of the fear of getting things wrong, even though in life, we make mistakes in order to learn. I guess this is where my idea of perfectionism also comes from. Well, now I know where my social anxiety and my performance anxiety comes from. I've been working on improving my self esteem as much as I can, but sometimes I feel stuck on it. Any other adults that somehow relate to this?

I'm really frustrated right now because once again I feel like I can't keep up with my own brain and I just can't keep doing this. I'm so tired of doing this. My head is always going and going and going and I just want to unplug it. It makes me so stressed. It's like I have someone else in my head who won't shut up and is always pointing everything I do out. Like I'm walking on eggshells around myself so I don't trigger these thoughts. But if I walk on egg shells then it just goes on about something else and I feel like I'm going crazy.. I feel so bad because it makes me so snappy. I want to bash my head in because I'm so over it. The only thing I know that helps is anxiety meds, because I had one one time and it actually really helped me (it didn't even do it's job! Because of how bad my anxiety is!! I'm just so desperate at this point for relief) But the last time I brought up going on meds for anxiety with my mom she said I'll get addicted, like my dad, or my grandma, or whoever else in my family because everyone in my family is addicted to SOMETHING. I don't see the issue in trying though. I feel like I'm someone who could really benefit from anxiety meds. I don't talk about my feelings often BECAUSE of anxiety, so it seems like I'm just trying to go on meds for no reason. But it's like..my body hurts. All the time. And my brain never stops. My brain is so messed up. I feel like I could do so much more if I wasn't like this. It's never going away, I've tried and I've tried and I'm still a mess. I just want it to stop. I'm not asking for much. I just want the fear to stop and the intrusive thoughts to stop and the racing thoughts and the feelings of doom and the nervousness and and I actually want to feel okay in my own skin for fucking once. I've tried everything nothing works im losing patience and I'm losing hope. I feel like there's something wrong with me. I feel like my brain is broken and that makes me sad to be honest. I feel like everyone around me can work. Why can't my stupid brain work???? I try so hard. I try so hard all the time. And it still doesn't do what it needs to do. I hate myself so much.

I genuinely can't help but feel irredeemable over every little mistake made or regret I've had. It's so up and down, but I just miss the certainty. Knowing "this is who I am." I'm so disconnected from myself. Like, I'm really, really trying. Today is really rough... I got triggered the other night, and it's been hell since. I've been fighting seeking reassurance. I want it so, so incredibly bad, but I know it won't help me :( Some days, I just don't want to be here. It's funny because yesterday I felt amazing until I got triggered. I just immediately spiraled after that. I don't know. Does it genuinely get better? Will therapy really help me? Sometimes, I think maybe this is the best it'll get, and that scares me. Sorry for the vent. I'm just feeling so overwhelmingly anxious right now. I can't even cry (due to Zoloft). It feels claustrophobic somehow, having all these emotions trapped inside of my body with nowhere to go 😭