All the past stuff canāt seem to let go of me. I lied, I normalized horrible things, Iāve tried to be moral in an immoral environment. Two people are dead and I couldāve done something. One of them probably deserved it. They were a pedophile, and I know the relationship they had with me was horrible. The other was a close friend. We were in that environment together, and while I grew away from it, he got further into it. And now heās dead, hanged himself over some sick perversion someone placed in his mind. Iāve seen such sick things. I knew things were wrong. I tried telling people. I told that friend, it isnāt normal. Isnāt this stuff wrong? Arenāt we being influenced? He didnāt see it. I shouldāve tried harder to make him see my way. Iām away from all of it. But he never got to get away. I remember telling people I knew from that environment, those online spaces. Since I was sixteen, I knew it was off. I knew these ideas planted in our heads were sick. I tried to convince people when I turned eighteen, but nobody saw it. Everyone was still brain washed. Iām a horrible person, I havenāt done enough to stop anything. Iāve always had a passion to help people, but I never was able to. Iāve been uncomfortable with sex for a while, but I canāt stop. I remember being uncomfortable with a girl in my school. She was really sexual towards me. I tried to tell the office, nobody listened, itās just a crush. And then I started to like it, but it still felt wrong. And then she got expelled, and I was telling people she harassed me. Nobody really took it serious, it was just funny, so I exaggerated and said she squeezed my crotch and it hurt. Then people finally sympathized with me. There was another lie, a lie that still hurts me. There was a girl in our class. Everyone made jokes about her, I tried to be nice and talk to her, but then she got a bit creepy towards me. She wouldnāt stop following me. It got uncomfortable. What did I do? I lied again, because everyone started making jokes about how she liked me and I was uncomfortable. I said she made a suggestive comment to me, and they all laughed. I just wanted it to stop. I lied, again. I am deceitful. That poor girl wrote in my yearbook and thanked me for being a good friend, but I made her into a joke just to save my own skin. I am a coward, I hurt people, and I deserve to be put down like an animal. Iām sorry for making myself seem like someone else, I tried to help as much people as I could, I tried. All I want is to be good, but too much bad has happened. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to try and redeem myself everyone. You all are so strong. Iām not going to harm myself, but I accept that I have evil within me.