BigGyro09

Date posted: 6w ago

18+ only

Starting to think I have unresolved childhood trauma unfortunately. Health OCD is also driving my absolutely crazy but I'm too scared to go to my doctor. I worry about diabetes, illnesses, cancer, skin problems, etc. I just hope everything works out in the end. Right now I just can't do the things I love doing because I'm constantly worrying about everything. All of my worries are exacerbated and I just can't keep them away. They only come back.

Anonymous

Date posted: 6w ago

I'm sorry. My fears and concerns are persistent and they always seem to follow me around. I hear you buddy, I'm listening

BigGyro09

Date posted: 6w ago

Thanks. Are you also an adult?

Anonymous

Date posted: 6w ago

@BigGyro09 Yep, I'm an adult!

AnonymityK

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 6w ago

Hey, I totally hear you. It sounds really overwhelming to be dealing with both the health OCD and the fear that comes with unresolved trauma. I’ve been there, and I know how exhausting it can be when those worries just keep coming back. It’s tough not knowing where the intrusive thoughts end and the real worries begin. You’re not alone in feeling this way, and I get how much it affects your life when those thoughts take over. I just want you to know that I understand how challenging this can be, and I’m here if you need someone to talk to.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 6w ago

Thanks. I just have trouble talking about all of this because I get really shameful about it. Are you an adult? I don't want to say the wrong thing or speak about these heavy things with minors.

AnonymityK

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 6w ago

@BigGyro09 Hi, yes! I am an adult!

BigGyro09

Date posted: 6w ago

Okay, thank you both for telling me. It's just that life has been really difficult because of childhood trauma from pornography exposure and that's the whole culprit that's really been ruining things for me. It's been such a problem as I was growing up and it's still making things really difficult in my adult life, 10 years from when it started. There's other things that contribute to my trauma but this is a major factor in it that I just wish didn't exist. It's the reason I have all of these worries, anxiety, and little to no understanding of how intimacy works. I feel like porn just took all of that away from me. No matter what I do, the bad memories still come around and they still hurt. They never ever go away. I try to get through the days with distractions, but this constant hurt of being under its presence time and time again just makes me feel really defeated and depressed. I feel like I can't get the confidence and freedom I want in life while this continues to live on in my life. I just want it to leave me alone and I just really want my life back to the way it was before I was even exposed to all of it to begin with. That's basically all I can say about it now since that's all the words I have for it. I just hate living with this in secret. I hate dealing with this on my own and feeling so much shame, disgust, and guilt whenever I try to talk about. I also worry people are going to view me as such when I do try to talk about it with others.

Anonymous

Date posted: 6w ago

I'm so sorry you're going through this! As a Christian, I'd say that there is recovery that God can give! If you want to talk more about that, we can ofc! Anyway, I hear you, and I know it's difficult. I'm sorry, buddy. :( Porn is an issue for many, many people, and it's a big problem, and you aren't alone. I'm guessing that you have more of an understanding of intimacy than you give youself credit for, because you can see that there's something wrong with porn and that there's more to intimacy than sex. I do believe that recovery is possible for you, but I know it's very difficult, and I'm so sorry. I know how hard it is to find the words, but I'll be patient with you, and I hear you. I've talked with you several times before on NOCD, and I can confirm that I don't see you any differently! If you ever want to talk with me about this, I'm here to listen to you!! :)

BigGyro09

Date posted: 6w ago

@Anonymous Thank you for the helpful words. I'm just hoping for a permanent way out so that my mind is completely clear of that stuff. I guess I do have an understanding of what romance and relationships should be because time and time again there has always been something telling me that this isn't right and that this isn't really what I should be going after. I just wish things happened differently.

Anonymous

Date posted: 6w ago

@BigGyro09 I do think there is a permanent way out, and I believe you'll get there. But it takes time and patience, so go easy on yourself. You've already taken the first and most important step: desiring a change. I'm sorry, I wish things happened differently for you as well. I'd suggest looking up ways to fight this battle if you haven't already. I know talking with others is a way to help, and I'm here if you need me! A therapist could also help. I'm routing for you!

BigGyro09

Date posted: 6w ago

@Anonymous I already spent a lot of time looking for ways to deal with this but I think the only true way to do so is address all of it to a therapist from the heart. I've been trying to find correlations between childhood trauma and pornography just to try and cope and I haven't found much. I tried searching but my search came out as "childhood trauma p***" and it triggered my POCD worries by a lot but I know that's not what I meant.

Anonymous

Date posted: 6w ago

@BigGyro09 I see. In hindsight, I recognize that trying to look for methods to solve the situation can only help so much. It's similar to my other issue with anger management -- I have some methods I can try to use, but they only help so much, and they don't completely solve the issue. It really does take a lot of patience with oneself, and it is quite difficult. It's also good for people to have others who will have patience with them, so I'll have patience with you, as I'm sure you'll also have patience with me. I'm sorry that looking that up triggered you, I see how it could. But you're right, it's not at all what you meant. Do you have a therapist to discuss with?

BigGyro09

Date posted: 6w ago

@Anonymous I do have someone to talk to about all of this and I hope it will all work out in the end. I do hope you find the same solution for anger management and whatever else continues to be challenging to overcome. I just hope it gets easier in the end for all of us.

Anonymous

Date posted: 6w ago

@BigGyro09 I hope the same for all of us! And remember that I'm here and listening to you, we can talk about whatever you want to! I see your struggles and I'm sorry you're going through that

FairyWithaKnife

Date posted: 24w ago

I just don't know

I've gotten diagnosed with OCD and I'm in therapy. But I'm worried that I don't have OCD/that I got misdiagnosed. And recently I'm worried that I've just gotten myself into a habit of thinking of dirty minded or just plain old terrible things after I see/hear certain things because I feel like I need to prove I have OCD or else I'm faking(sometimes this goes away). Or that I'm just mimicking symptoms of ocd to cope with real problems I may have and that im just really deep into denial. I don't know...I'm just so tired. I mean, what if I really am what I think I am and this is my brains only way of coping? I don't even really feel anything towards most of the thoughts anymore either I just know they go against my values and I don't want them. I don't know if that's because I'm so mentally exhausted, I just don't care, or that the thoughts are true and I'm comfortable with them.

Anonymous

Date posted: 13w ago

Late onset OCD

Anyone else develop it in their 30s? I’m 33 and just started showing symptoms in October 2024. So far have only been diagnosed with GAD , PD and depression.I started having intrusive thoughts after a series of panic attacks . My compulsions would be googling. I have made an effort to stop though because it only makes me feel worse. My intrusive thoughts have been around fear of going crazy

Jack03

Date posted: 11w ago

Is this OCD?

Hi, I’m new here!! I’m praying I don’t get judged for this. But, back in late May of 2022 ( literally right before I graduated high school), I added this one random girl from my school on Snapchat. She posted something about a graduation party , so I swiped up on her story basically saying how I can’t believe we’re almost graduated. She replied and we had a really short and simple conversation. The next day ( i believe) , we started talking a lot , and I just so happened to see her at the highschool when we were grabbing our graduation outfits and doing the rehearsal. When I saw her irl, I kinda got turned off ( I heard she was kinda crazy) , and on top of that , she was a little ugly irl. I remember seeing her Snapchat bio , and she was close friends with my female cousin ( a year younger than me) , who I happened to experiment sexually with when I was 10-11 years old. I remember going to work later that day and having sort of a lightbulb flick thought ( it wasn’t a good thought though) , what if my cousin told her about what happened when we were younger? So I started to kind of panic and immediately distanced myself from that girl. I also experimented sexually with one of my female friends when I was 10-11 , and from that day onwards, I’ve been pretty much living in paranoia and a little bit of guilt about someone finding out and my life being ruined . On top of that, It’s gotten worse to now sometimes I wonder if a girl I added off of quick add ( Snapchat) is underage even if they told me they were 18+ or had 18 and above in their bio, and I get so much guilt and anxiety about that. I even had a quick thought last February on what if I did something inappropriate with my younger cousin when I was 15-16 but I just can’t exactly remember when it happened , and it still eats me alive when I think about it, because I don’t know if it happened or not. I’m sorry for the long vent, I just wish I felt normal again. No matter how much I try to do things that old me used to do, life always feels “ off”. I always kept the top part about when I was younger a secret up until early (ish ) 2024, then I vented to one of my best friends and he told me that that’s a normal thing to do at a young age. Since then, I have told multiple friends and they all say they did similar stuff, but my brain just can’t accept that. Please help me, I quite literally overthink everything nowadays. 2021 was the last full year that I felt normal ( coincidentally, the best year of my life so far) . It’s not just about sexual related things either, sometimes I’ll wonder if I messed up something at work or hit a car while driving/hit someone and drove off. I just wanna live my life how I was supposed to live it after highschool ( carefree and happy) before whatever it is ( I think it’s ocd) hit me unexpectedly. Thanks to anyone who read this , I just needed to pour it out regardless of how negative I felt typing this, I hope someone can relate , because I feel so alone in my head at times.

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