BigGyro09

Date posted: 17d ago

18+ only

Starting to think I have unresolved childhood trauma unfortunately. Health OCD is also driving my absolutely crazy but I'm too scared to go to my doctor. I worry about diabetes, illnesses, cancer, skin problems, etc. I just hope everything works out in the end. Right now I just can't do the things I love doing because I'm constantly worrying about everything. All of my worries are exacerbated and I just can't keep them away. They only come back.

Anonymous

Date posted: 17d ago

I'm sorry. My fears and concerns are persistent and they always seem to follow me around. I hear you buddy, I'm listening

BigGyro09

Date posted: 16d ago

Thanks. Are you also an adult?

Anonymous

Date posted: 16d ago

@BigGyro09 Yep, I'm an adult!

AnonymityK

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 17d ago

Hey, I totally hear you. It sounds really overwhelming to be dealing with both the health OCD and the fear that comes with unresolved trauma. I’ve been there, and I know how exhausting it can be when those worries just keep coming back. It’s tough not knowing where the intrusive thoughts end and the real worries begin. You’re not alone in feeling this way, and I get how much it affects your life when those thoughts take over. I just want you to know that I understand how challenging this can be, and I’m here if you need someone to talk to.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 17d ago

Thanks. I just have trouble talking about all of this because I get really shameful about it. Are you an adult? I don't want to say the wrong thing or speak about these heavy things with minors.

AnonymityK

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 16d ago

@BigGyro09 Hi, yes! I am an adult!

BigGyro09

Date posted: 16d ago

Okay, thank you both for telling me. It's just that life has been really difficult because of childhood trauma from pornography exposure and that's the whole culprit that's really been ruining things for me. It's been such a problem as I was growing up and it's still making things really difficult in my adult life, 10 years from when it started. There's other things that contribute to my trauma but this is a major factor in it that I just wish didn't exist. It's the reason I have all of these worries, anxiety, and little to no understanding of how intimacy works. I feel like porn just took all of that away from me. No matter what I do, the bad memories still come around and they still hurt. They never ever go away. I try to get through the days with distractions, but this constant hurt of being under its presence time and time again just makes me feel really defeated and depressed. I feel like I can't get the confidence and freedom I want in life while this continues to live on in my life. I just want it to leave me alone and I just really want my life back to the way it was before I was even exposed to all of it to begin with. That's basically all I can say about it now since that's all the words I have for it. I just hate living with this in secret. I hate dealing with this on my own and feeling so much shame, disgust, and guilt whenever I try to talk about. I also worry people are going to view me as such when I do try to talk about it with others.

Anonymous

Date posted: 16d ago

I'm so sorry you're going through this! As a Christian, I'd say that there is recovery that God can give! If you want to talk more about that, we can ofc! Anyway, I hear you, and I know it's difficult. I'm sorry, buddy. :( Porn is an issue for many, many people, and it's a big problem, and you aren't alone. I'm guessing that you have more of an understanding of intimacy than you give youself credit for, because you can see that there's something wrong with porn and that there's more to intimacy than sex. I do believe that recovery is possible for you, but I know it's very difficult, and I'm so sorry. I know how hard it is to find the words, but I'll be patient with you, and I hear you. I've talked with you several times before on NOCD, and I can confirm that I don't see you any differently! If you ever want to talk with me about this, I'm here to listen to you!! :)

BigGyro09

Date posted: 16d ago

@Anonymous Thank you for the helpful words. I'm just hoping for a permanent way out so that my mind is completely clear of that stuff. I guess I do have an understanding of what romance and relationships should be because time and time again there has always been something telling me that this isn't right and that this isn't really what I should be going after. I just wish things happened differently.

Anonymous

Date posted: 16d ago

@BigGyro09 I do think there is a permanent way out, and I believe you'll get there. But it takes time and patience, so go easy on yourself. You've already taken the first and most important step: desiring a change. I'm sorry, I wish things happened differently for you as well. I'd suggest looking up ways to fight this battle if you haven't already. I know talking with others is a way to help, and I'm here if you need me! A therapist could also help. I'm routing for you!

BigGyro09

Date posted: 16d ago

@Anonymous I already spent a lot of time looking for ways to deal with this but I think the only true way to do so is address all of it to a therapist from the heart. I've been trying to find correlations between childhood trauma and pornography just to try and cope and I haven't found much. I tried searching but my search came out as "childhood trauma p***" and it triggered my POCD worries by a lot but I know that's not what I meant.

Anonymous

Date posted: 16d ago

@BigGyro09 I see. In hindsight, I recognize that trying to look for methods to solve the situation can only help so much. It's similar to my other issue with anger management -- I have some methods I can try to use, but they only help so much, and they don't completely solve the issue. It really does take a lot of patience with oneself, and it is quite difficult. It's also good for people to have others who will have patience with them, so I'll have patience with you, as I'm sure you'll also have patience with me. I'm sorry that looking that up triggered you, I see how it could. But you're right, it's not at all what you meant. Do you have a therapist to discuss with?

BigGyro09

Date posted: 16d ago

@Anonymous I do have someone to talk to about all of this and I hope it will all work out in the end. I do hope you find the same solution for anger management and whatever else continues to be challenging to overcome. I just hope it gets easier in the end for all of us.

Anonymous

Date posted: 16d ago

@BigGyro09 I hope the same for all of us! And remember that I'm here and listening to you, we can talk about whatever you want to! I see your struggles and I'm sorry you're going through that

landonw

Date posted: 24w ago

Why?

They’re getting more intense.. My mind wonders if what i’m feeling is really OCD.. what if it’s not and i’m in denial? Why is my life like this, a constant loop of fears and stress holding me back. I just want to live. To be the kind boy everyone knows. To make and be a difference. There’s sometimes I wish I could stay asleep.. to rest for a while. To hibernate all these feelings away. But I know that’s not how it works. Each tear I shed is a reminder of the hell I live every day when I open my eyes. I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t know why I am anymore. Please someone.. advice, words of positivity, something.. I feel so alone. I’m scared. I don’t know where else to go.

FairyWithaKnife

Date posted: 20w ago

I just don't know

I've gotten diagnosed with OCD and I'm in therapy. But I'm worried that I don't have OCD/that I got misdiagnosed. And recently I'm worried that I've just gotten myself into a habit of thinking of dirty minded or just plain old terrible things after I see/hear certain things because I feel like I need to prove I have OCD or else I'm faking(sometimes this goes away). Or that I'm just mimicking symptoms of ocd to cope with real problems I may have and that im just really deep into denial. I don't know...I'm just so tired. I mean, what if I really am what I think I am and this is my brains only way of coping? I don't even really feel anything towards most of the thoughts anymore either I just know they go against my values and I don't want them. I don't know if that's because I'm so mentally exhausted, I just don't care, or that the thoughts are true and I'm comfortable with them.

Anonymous

Date posted: 16w ago

I'm fearing myself and I hate it

I haven't been officially diagnosed with OCD but when I learned more about it, I never related to anything more. A little back story: when I was younger, there were a couple of youth suicides in my area and the schools felt the need to have someone come in and talk about suicide. Well the person they had come in did a horrible job teaching it and basically made it seem like the smallest negative emotion or feeling or change in behavior made you suicidal. This ended up scaring me so much that I got horrid anxiety. Fast forward to now, Everytime I feel anxiety and panic, I fear I'm going to kill myself. Everytime I feel down and depressed, I fear I'll end it all. I'm scared to be around anything sharp because the "What if" I hurt myself comes into my mind. There are always intrusive thoughts at almost every point of the day. And it's not only for me. Everytime I hear someone being negative, I fear they will be suicidal. I know in my heart that none of this is true but it's terrifying me that it's stuck around so much that it makes me scared that maybe it is true. I've had a lot of death in my family in the past year and a half and a lot of other family drama that I'd never had before that is now also bringing up existential intrusive thoughts. And I'd never questioned anything about life before but now I get the "why is life like this?" and "does anything we do matter?" and I hate it. I don't want to think like that. I just want to go through life being able to handle things normally again. It terrifies me even right now going "what if you give up?"

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