Need advice No therapy and really confused

Has anyone ever felt like they got to a point with ocd where they are numb to everything don’t get anxiety much and feel like they don’t know if they hate the thoughts and don’t know if you would or wouldn’t do those bad things? Or feel like they don’t know if it’s ego dystonic or against your morals because you are so convinced that you are bad? Is this possible? Everyone always says on this app that however bad the thought feels they know deep down they don’t want it but is it possible to be so confused or so into believing ocd that you actually feel like you don’t know? I complain about the thoughts/feelings I get from ocd to my family and they say you don’t want it but it’s convinced me so well I feel like I don’t even know? I don’t even know what I feel if I’m anxious or sad or what i don’t even know. I had this thing where it kept feeling sometimes like I would want to smile or as if I was ‘secretly happy’ about ocd thoughts and that bothered me and this time I was having these ‘stabbing’ intrusive thoughts and I got that same feeling I wanted to smile or was ‘happy’ and then I got this horrible urge feeling when my mum came in the room which felt like I ‘wanted to’ act on the thought and from deliberately imagining the stabbing thought to test my emotional reaction - it felt like ‘I knew how it physically felt to stab someone and liked the feeling/it felt good’ and that tied in with the ‘urge’ feeling felt really real like I actually wanted it and then I was sat there with my mum and I was telling her about it and I even told her I would try testing things by holding a pencil to see if it feels like I ‘want to do it’ as kind of an exposure tactic since I was thinking I was bad or would do it and I held it and obviously nothing happened and I even imaginined the thought while holding the pencil while she was next to me and it never felt like I wanted to do anything or ‘act’ on the thought, after I gave it to her and she put it away and then I we was talking and then I had another bad moment where it felt real (I can’t remember if it was the same day or not) but I was deliberately imagining that thought and then i don’t know but I think I got that weird thing where it feels like I wanted to smile or was secretly happy and I don’t know how if i gave into the compulsion and I think I did smile or maybe I didn’t I can’t remember but that ‘secret happy feeling’ suddenly became amplified and felt like the thought of stabbing someone lots of times suddenly felt like I was happy about it would really enjoy it or like it I can’t explain it but it suddenly felt like a real feeling that I enjoy it and I felt like in those films where the evil person is happy about doing something bad and it felt so extremely real it feels 99 percent like it was my own feeling from inside and I don’t feel the same I feel like there is something wrong with me and I will want to do evil things because now I’ve discovered that there is something ‘good feeling’ about doing that bad thing and I’ve ’realised’ why evil people get a thrill over it like I can’t explain that feeling but I wish I didn’t have it but it feels extremely real like my own feeling and now I’m thinking I definitely can’t be helped and everything is over because I will want to do it almost like the same way someone is ‘lustful’ I will want to do that evil thing because of that feeling of feeling happy over doing evil it’s really bad I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m suddenly evil and my ocd has never felt this bad before. But still I’m not crying I’m not anxious I’m just complaining about it to my mum and family members what do I do. It feels almost like because of that feeling where it felt like I was happy now I would choose to be evil or want to be because it felt happy feeling 🙁🙁 I don’t know what to do I don’t even know what that feeling was and then before I was about to sleep my head is like to me ‘you want to experience that feeling again’ and it feels almost like an urge that I want to experience that feeling or be evil and I don’t know because I feel calm I’ve been having ocd for almost 2-3 years so I feel numb nothing phases me, I had a few sessions of therapy online with NOCD but I stopped it and have never had therapy since now I wish I had been having it because maybe it wouldn’t have got this bad 🙁🙁

lu22

Date posted: 22w

I’m worried that I will be curious or want to be evil because of that ‘happy feeling’ because what if it’s real and or if I’m thinking now that it could feel good to do bad 🙁🙁

Anonymous

Date posted: 22w

OCD is really good at convincing you that you believe or want to act on your thoughts. But you know deep down you don’t. But then, your ocd gets to be really good making you think “well what if deep down I do want to act on them”. Basically it will make you doubt yourself and will make you want to analyze every little thought. I get the feeling of “why am I not anxious at this terrible intrusive thought” and I have two possible explanations for it. 1) your body and mind are very tired from constantly battling ocd all day and you’ve reached a temporary point of emotional numbness. This happens to me often after a really bad ocd flare up and it’s basically your brain and body shutting down your emotions so you can get rest. 2) your ocd knows that you’ll think “oh man why am I not anxious at this thought” which will ironically make you anxious thus furthering the ocd cycle. It really sucks and it’s annoying and it’s easier said than done, but just try to ignore it and accept it. At the end of the day, it really is just your ocd messing with you.

Anonymous

Date posted: 22w

Sorry you're experiencing this 💔 it sounds exhausting. It sounds like you are seeking reassurance from your family though that you "don't want it." Unfortunately, that's a compulsion that will only make your OCD worse.... If you have access to therapy, I encourage you to get support! It's helped me so much. You don't have to do this alone 🤍

lu22

Date posted: 23w

Harm ocd come back

Suddenly I started ruminating again but I no longer get bad anxiety over the thoughts but it feels like the ‘urges’ are still there and it’s making it seem more real that these are true. Why am I having urges without the anxiety or it’s weird like i don’t even know when im anxious maybe i got use to the feeling of being anxious but it feels too real and I get these weird thought that are like ‘imagine you was evil anyways’ or ‘imagine you want to be but your in denial’ or the worst makes it feel like you would like acting on the thoughts even if you choose not to do it and it feels really real. The thoughts are about stabbing and it felt so real and I started imaging it on purpose to ‘test’ myself but it doesn’t ever feel like I hate it enough or don’t want it like I feel numb to everything and it feels really real like I want it or do want to do it but I’m just choosing not to and it’s scary but I use to get so much anxiety over this and now nothing now it feels like I don’t even feel like I ‘hate’ it or I should know that I don’t want to do that? Instead of sitting there experimenting with the thoughts to see. I want it to feel like I don’t want it and don’t like it I constantly feel like I’m lying about not wanting this, but it’s concerning me a lot because it feels so real that I like it or want it and there was one point where it felt like it was about to happen and that I wanted it and now that’s made me think there is something wrong with me or that I want to give in to it 🙁 please I don’t belive anything I don’t even belive I am sad it feels so real that it was about to happen or I wanted it and I don’t know what to do I was fine before and suddenly I started ruminating and now this

lu22

Date posted: 23w

I really need advice harm ocd

I know we’re not meant to ask for reassurance but I’m currently not in therapy and I need help, it feels scarily real and I feel like I’m not anxious or worried over the thoughts. I had stabbing thoughts about someone I care about and I started deliberately imagining them to test myself to see if I hate it or not but instead it felt like I knew how it feels to stab someone and like the feeling of doing that physical action and I swear it is the worst thing I have ever experienced as well I had moments where it felt like It was about to happen or I keep getting this really sick ‘happy’ feeling that I want to do that and I don’t know what that is but it feels incredibly real almost like I was getting a happy feeling or wanted to do that thing and jsut wasn’t giving into it and now I’m thinking I’m actually evil and it feels like I get a pleasurable feeling over the thought of doing that and would want to do it?? Because I ‘like’ the feeling of doing it or it would ‘feel’ good I swear I really don’t know what to do it feels incredibly real I feel like I can’t even say that I’m worried or scared because I feel like I’m lying and actually want it and have evil desires I’m really concerned, I have never done anything bad in my life, I feel like what if through experimenting and imagining the thoughts to test myself I have suddenly discovered I like it because it feels extremely real that I would ‘enjoy’ or like Doing that evil thing and it’s really concerning, i don’t understand I was fine a few days ago and suddenly I’m experiencing this? Is it possible to suddenly become evil i don’t want to be evil, but what if i like it and my desire to not be evil isn’t as strong as this ‘happy feeling’ i wish I can be normal I don’t want any of this please but I swear I feel like there is something wrong with me, I think this is the worst I’ve ever felt, like it feels like I want it and would enjoy it and it’s making me feel really worried but at the same time I don’t even know if I’m worried please help I need advice

lu22

Date posted: 23w

I want to talk to someone harm ocd, really 🙁

I’m out of energy my cod feels at its worst I actually feel like I’m bad and there is something wrong with me I feel numb I can’t cry or be anxious over anything and I don’t know what to do because I don’t feel normal now it feels like I’m bad. I had this stabbing thought which I after started deliberately imaging to test myself but instead it felt like I like the feeling and know how it feels to stab someone then I was getting this feeling that I liked it wanted it or would enjoy it and it felt extremely real like i wanted it because it would feel ‘good’ I cant explain it but it suddenly felt like I enjoy or want it almost like I wanted to feel the feeling of doing that bad thing because I ‘like it’ I have no energy I can’t get over that feeling because it now felt like I actually wanted it I don’t know what is going on I’m worrying now I will actually want that to know how it is or as if I’ve discovered what evil people like or why they enjoy it and now I’m so lost and confused and I feel numb I don’t even know if I want or don’t want it and people always say with ocd they feel like they want it but they know deep down it’s against their morals or they would never do that but it literally feels like I don’t know now and it felt like a real feeling that I thought there was something good or enjoyable about doing that thing and I’m concerned I’ve had ocd for 2/3 years now and I’ve gone through crying and being upset and all the different emotions of having it and now I’m experiencing this and worried if I’ve changed and what if I’m actually evil now or have come to like evil things from imagining it and I want to talk to someone I don’t know what to do the other day it felt really real that it was about to happen and that I wanted to and I was getting this sick feeling that I was happy or liked it. Please I need advice I can’t get over this and move on because it feels like it wasn’t ocd and that feeling still happens and how can I ignore it and even if I try to ignore it I can’t because it felt real that I liked it and now it feels like there’s no going back if it felt like I actually liked it 🙁🙁

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Need advice No therapy and really confused

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