I have recently entered a phase of extremely obsessive thoughts of every mistake Iāve ever made. Things from over a decade ago, things that happened recently, or even things currently happening like my own thoughts and feelings that I have no control over.
Ever since I was little I have been a habitual liar. For the most part, I just tell little white lies or exaggerated stories. I even lie about things that donāt matter at all, like if Iāve seen a certain movie or something. But I have also lied about some serious things, like bad things happening to me, like abuse or SA. (DISCLAIMER - Iāve never accused anyone of these things to the police or anything like that). I hate that Iāve done this and I feel so disgusted with my behavior. Iāve been obsessing over this and unable to forgive myself or feel better about doing this. I feel like such a sick human being.
I know most of the reasons for why I lieāattention, sympathy, to seem more interesting, to relate to someone, or to even pretend that my life is better than it is. I never ever have any bad intentions when I lie, but I know that doesnāt mean a whole lot. Sometimes I lie so naturally that I donāt even realize it, and sometimes I lie to the point that I actually believe what Iām saying. Somethings wrong with me and I donāt want to be this way anymore. I hate myself and I feel like Iām being tortured with this guilt. I feel like I donāt deserve to ever feel better because this is a result of my own actions.
I have a group of girl friends that I met online that Iāve known for about 3 years. I lied about and insinuated that bad things had happened to me to them, because I wanted to relate to them and maybe because I wanted sympathy. I was actually emotionally abused by my ex, and he did kind of get physical with me one time (if Iām remembering correctly, but my OCD doubts if that even actually happened), but I have exaggerated and said that I was abused physically. I also have portrayed my life to be completely different than it is, because I hate my life and I like to pretend that things are better than they are. In a way, I feel like itās a form of escapism. When I talk to them, I can pretend that Iām a different person. A more interesting, less pathetic, and more relatable person. Iāve lied to them so much that I canāt even begin to remember them all, and I feel so disgusted by myself, and the guilt of this is adding onto my other debilitating guilt. I canāt stop obsessing over it and I feel like Iām an awful person for this. I feel like I donāt deserve to feel better. Iām unable to function, and I canāt forgive myself no matter what.
I know that if I confess to them, theyāll be disgusted by my behavior and not want to speak to me again. Especially because I lied about things that are so sensitive. And theyāre perfectly within their right to feel that way and to reject me. I donāt know if I can handle the rejection and stress of confessing at this moment in time. I also just canāt even remember all of my lies. But if I keep talking to them, Iāll have to upkeep my lies, and I know Iāll never get better if I keep having to lie.
None of my lies have caused them any actual harm, most of my lies are harmless, and itās not like Iāll ever actually meet them in person, but I feel like Iāve gone against my morals, and I know that it was wrong. Even though my ex is an awful person and put me through hell, I feel bad that Iāve told these girls online that heād abused me when he actually hasnāt (other than the one time he sorta got physical with me). He even has been going around telling people things about me and degrading me, and this has been going on for nearly 10 years. But I know it was wrong to lie about that regardless of what heās done or what heās actively doing to me. The girls donāt have his full name or info or anything like that, they just know his first name and that heās my ex and that he āphysically abusedā me.
I donāt ever lie out of malice. My dad is a pathological liar and heās never received help, and I feel like Iāve learned his behavior.
I especially feel bad because one of my online friends gave me an extremely expensive gift for my birthday last October, and I didnāt ask for it or anything or manipulate her into giving it to me, but I feel awful that she gave me a gift when Iāve lied about so many things. Itās also not something I can give back since it was an online thing, and I genuinely donāt have the money to pay her back. I feel like Iāve been living a lie and that itās unfair to them.
I am so so scared to tell the truth. I think Iād be less scared if I was only admitting it to one person, but Iād be admitting it to three. I know that theyāll think Iām terrible, disgusting, and that theyāll hate me, and then theyāll probably talk about how awful I am with each other. Which is perfectly justified. I just am so scared of it.
Iām in a really bad state of mind. I canāt function and all I do all day is lay around and obsess over all my mistakes. I know the lying is out of my control to a certain extent and that I have a problem and mental illness, but I still canāt forgive myself. I feel disgusting and awful and like Iām a bad person and no matter what I do, Iām reminded of it. I feel like Iām going crazy and that I deserve to feel this way for what Iāve done. And I feel hopeless because I feel like I wonāt ever feel better from this unbearable state unless I confess, but I really donāt feel like Iām ready. Every day I become more and more certain that Iām terrible.
