- Date posted
- 28w
Suffering a lot, need advice, have no therapy đđ
I feel like this time I canât pick myself back up. It felt too real like I donât even belive it wasnât real I fully feel like it was my own feeling and I genuinely felt that. I had stabbing intrusive thoughts, I imaginined it on purpose to test my reaction and then it felt like I know how it feels to physically do that action (stab someone) and I like how it feels then I was getting these urge feelings and it felt like I wanted it and then I was imagining the thoughts again about stabbing someoneI care about multiple times and then It suddenly felt like I was really happy about the thought and almost like I really enjoyed it and realised why evil people enjoy doing these things like I felt what they felt like Iâve discovered a âthrillâ feeling of doing that evil thing and I canât get over it I canât figure out why it felt like that and now Iâm thinking because it felt like I liked it and it felt good I will be curious about being evil or want to be evil to feel that feeling again and itâs really messed up and I donât know what to do everytime I think about it it feels like there is actually something wrong with me I no longer have anxiety or feel really worried about the thoughts I feel numb and that feeling is really making me feel bad like I canât live normally now it feels like I am actually evil now and I donât even know if I have morals or if i would be evil or not. Normally with my thoughts no matter how real itâs felt Iâve managed to convince myself why I had a certain feeling and why itâs not real and why Iâm a good person but this time it actually feels like that feeling was from me and I actually felt really happy and enjoyed or got a thrill from the idea of doing that horrible thing like I canât even say it feels real because Iâm thinking it is real I donât know what to do đđIâve had ocd for a few years but donât get anxious anymore and this feels like Iâm actually bad or would want to do it because of that feeling