I need guidance or to feel like I am not alone

@Someone99 Accepting and moving forward with my day helped. But this time feels so different.

@Catlove9 It's not, just OCD being it's tricky bitch self.

@Someone99 Hahahah. You are right.

@Catlove9 You doing ok?

@Someone99 It’s hit or miss right now. The intrusive urges are really tough for me because it feels like it has to be more than just OCD. how are you?

@Catlove9 On and off as well. This bout is completely different for me, before it always hit me real bad when I was idle, like trying to sleep. This time it's when I'm busy and trying to concentrate, it hits me and distracts me. Sucks

@Someone99 Ugh. I’ve had that before. It’s so frustrating because staying busy is what we are supposed to do but then when it creeps in there as well, it sucks. I notice it when I start a new hobby. I fall in love with a new hobby and then OCD follows. I’m starting to accept it’s always going to be there with me. Like a little pal lol. I’m sorry you’re going through that. It’s certainly not fun when it’s following you there.

@Catlove9 A little pal... I like that! Thanks for making me laugh!!! It is a daily journey for sure. My little pal cost me 2 jobs and a marriage, so it's a bitch. Lol. Today was actually a pretty good day though.

@Someone99 I get it. My little pal has cost me a few relationships and a family who has no idea who I really am because all they see is the little pal. I’m sorry about what you’ve gone through. I imagine how hard it is.

@Catlove9 Thanks, and to you as well. I'm glad we have this forum to share challenges with others who get it. And it's also always nice to be able to encourage anyone here as well. After my little pal causes me to make a complete ass out of myself, I reflect and attempt to see actions from a different angle, then it's like, good grief did I actually act that way?!?! Lol

@Someone99 Omg I do the same exact thing! What I find funny though is we do this, but other people tend not to. I’ve noticed OCD has given me more of an open mind, whereas I find most others are very rigid in their thinking and do not find fault in themselves.

@Catlove9 Sure seems that way! It's like, how can people treat others that way and just go on as it's normal?!?! It actually helps me once the swirling OCD thoughts settle down, to reflect and learn from the mistakes I made. But grace is definitely necessary, and sometimes not easy, otherwise the voices creep in like "I am the worst person ever..."

@Someone99 I do the same EXACT thing. I always end up feeling like the worst person in the world. It also doesn’t help that sometimes I reach into the far past and then really start beating myself up.

@Catlove9 Yeah, were like our own worst enemy sometimes. I'm glad we're through winter, sunshine and warm weather always helps. 🙂

@Someone99 I agree! The sun being out on my drive home from work really helps.

@Catlove9 Yes indeed. I mentioned OCD cost me 2 jobs, and other relationships, well, my current job is the best one I've had. 4 day work week, 3 day weekends, every weekend! Great benefits as well. So yeah, through it all, I still count my blessings.

@Someone99 That is awesome! And do you love the job itself? It seems you had to go through the tough times to find your light.

@Catlove9 Yeah the job is great. No petty micromanaging, very professional environment, they allow creativity and freedom to be creative. Lol. It's a research and development engineering lab environment. Really loving it. And with my free time I've been starting a side business

@Someone99 Omg that is amazing! I’m so happy for you. I’m in the corporate world and I really wish I could find something different.

@Catlove9 What do you enjoy, or what type of work would give you the most satisfaction? It's nicer out today than yesterday too!!!

@Someone99 I love helping people and making people’s life better. Banking really isn’t the spot for that hahaha

@Catlove9 That's awesome. It's funny how almost everyone I chat with a little bit on here has a heart for people, empathy, compassion, also creativity, intelligence, etc. All those traits seem to make us vulnerable to our little pal OCD. I get it though, my career really isn't about helping people directly. But it's kind of like I can be a help to those around me. It's amazing how so many people just would love someone to be nice to them, even in the smallest way. Wish I would live that way more!!! Lol.

@Someone99 I totally understand. And I wish I had more skills than what I’m doing. I don’t think I’m cut out for the corporate world. I am way too sensitive. I’m glad you found something better!

@Catlove9 Success has more to do with finding what we love to do, rather than financial benefits. It's not worth being miserable in what we do. Hopefully you'll find that opportunity someday. Keep looking. You seem really sweet and like I want to ask you out to dinner. 🫣 Lol.... sorry if that was wierd, it's an OCD support website. What do you do in the banking world?

@Someone99 Haha! Thank you for the compliment! Yah. Right now I’m stuck in this success cycle. Logically I know it’s not about money but I just want to keep climbing and being more “successful” even though I know it’s not about that! It’s so frustrating. I’m in financial crime/fraud.

@Catlove9 Well, you are incredibly needed, unfortunately, lol, especially by me, I had quite a few issues with i.d. theft and accounts opened in my name etc over the years. Maybe I was a client of yours at one time?!?! Lol!!! It's crazy what people pull these days with that stuff. I hope you nail them! Lol. I can see how that's not something that may give you that internal satisfaction. How about things outside of the workplace? Is there any way you can find fulfillment elsewhere while working?

@Someone99 Oh no! That stinks. It’s so prevalent though and it’s only getting worse. I don’t mind the actual work part, but I hate the bureaucracy and politics of the corporate world. It’s not a fair playing field and I tend to be very fair-minded, so it’s all lost on me. I chair the mental health resource group at work. So I do love being able to connect with people that way at least.

@Catlove9 That's awesome. It's a small way to find purpose in the pain, maybe. I believe trials come in to our lives to enable us to help others through those trials. No one's immune to them. So somewhere I heard it explained as finding purpose in our pain, I like that. Work place politics is exactly what led to my issues at my 2 previous jobs. It became unbearable and OCD kicked in and had me in fight or flight mode in a bad way. I hope I've learned to recognize I'm at that point and step away sooner. Being reactive like that did not end well. My current job is actually evening shift hours, 2:30pm to 12:30am. There's no drama, no politics, it's the best situation for me, and it Monday - Thursday, so 3 day weekends are nice. Off topic question, may I ask how you chose your username here? I often wonder that when I see the nicknames people choose.

@Someone99 Wow. Your job seems so awesome! I love the no politics. It’s great! I picked my username because I have 5 cats who I love dearly. I’ve always loved cats. They are my favorite pet. Not sure how I ended up with 5 🤣. How about you?

@Catlove9 I figured cats would be involved, 5!?!? Lol. I have 2 and a third is in the process of adopting me, he's been showing up daily and sits at the patio door looking for my 2 girls. Lol. He's obviously fixed, I think someone dumped him. Poor guy. I think my name came from a struggle I had all my life, feeling like I'm a nobody. And my favorite number is 9. Lol

@Someone99 Omg! My favorite number is 9 as well! That’s so funny. That’s why mine ends in a 9. That’s so exciting to get adopted by a new cat. I hope he wasn’t dumped. That makes me so sad. I hate when people do that.

@Catlove9 I know! He started showing up last month when it was really cold too! I put a box with a blanket out and some food, and he still comes back. Lol. They adopt us. 🙂 A cool thing about the #9: any number multiplied by 9, if you ad the individual #'s together, always ends up back to the #9. Example: 387x9=3483, 3+4+8+3=18, 1+8=9. No matter what! Lol.

@Someone99 I call the new boy cat Romeow, because he's romancing my 2 girl cats. Lol. Thankfully everyone is fixed!!!

@Someone99 Yes! I knew that about 9! I love it. It’s such a clean number. Omg Romeow has me cracking up. That’s hilarious.

@Catlove9 Well, he just sits there outside the patio door like Mr. Cool, and the younger girl cat who just turned 1 will roll around on her back inside the door like a little flirt. Lol!!! Yeah, 9 is cool. I tried dozens of combinations when I first heard about that. Lol

@Someone99 Omg that’s so funny. I have a girl cat who does the same thing. All my cats are ragdolls. They are big and fluffy and lazier than most cats 🤣

@Catlove9 So Sunday afternoon naps must be fluff heaven! 🤣 My Gracie is going to be 3 in July, she's gray and white with a pink nose. I call her Gray Cat, abbreviated Gray C. She's very petite in features, but a little plumper with thick deep fur. Very polite and well mannered too. The one yr old is a tabby coat little maniac who always gets in trouble. Lol. It's amazing how that all have such different personalities

@Someone99 They do! It’s so funny. I have Leia, who is 16. She’s the only non ragdoll. She’s a long-haired tuxedo. Then Edgar is 12. He has cancer but he’s been hanging in there. Then Sophie. She’s a unit and a half. And a complete goofball. Jackie is my petite princess who is my shadow. Leo is the big oaf who literally does not move.

@Catlove9 Love the name's, and descriptions! Made me laugh. I had a gray tiger cat who adopted me years ago. She kept all the critters away and out of the garden. Her name was jewel, loved to be held, literally held on and would even wrap herself around my neck. She got cancer in her mouth probably from fertilizer and weed killer outside. So sad

@Catlove9 I know it's late and you're probably sleeping by now. But who I saw in our conversation is you, the real you. You're not those pesty thoughts that even appear as urges, separate them. Dig in to who you are, hold fast to that, and allow the little, annoying obnoxious pal to be just that. It doesn't control you. :-)

@Someone99 Thank you for saying that. I really needed to hear that. It’s a tough one today!

@Catlove9 Sounds like you may need snuggle time with your fur babies? Lol. I was thinking about you today.

@Someone99 Yah. It’s been a day. I’m part of a mental health group at work where I bring awareness to mental health. I want to do this OCD event and I have a speaker, but now I’m scared.

@Catlove9 That is so awesome! You're courageous. Just remember you can't know, and aren't responsible to know. Allow it. That was one of the tools I developed against ruminating, I'm not responsible to figure this out... Different responses work when others don't, it keeps us on our toes. When is the event?

@Someone99 It’s in August! The OCD advocate is going to come and share their story and then do some Q&A. I’m nervous of how some people may get scared of the types of thoughts and I’ll get fired 🤣. But I’m doing it to raise awareness and hopefully help people

@Catlove9 And it certainly will. No need to share too much about your little pal. Lol. You're awesome for doing something like this. Can't wait to hear about it, so you better let me know how it goes!!! :-)

@Someone99 I totally will! So I guess I should do it then? The fear is real but my initial thought was just to do it bc I thought it was important.

@Catlove9 You should. OCD is one of the most misunderstood and even made fun of challenges. People just throw it around like "must be my OCD", etc. So consider it a way to educate everyone on what OCD actually is. But no need to share details about your personal struggles, that's not necessary and certainly won't be a good idea in that environment.

@Someone99 I completely agree. I definitely wasn’t going to go into my personal details all the way. It would probably make people feel uncomfortable to know I get harm urges that feel so real while I’m at work 😂. I guess I’m worried that people will associate what the speaker says with me. Like she will probably go into harm ocd and pocd and all the fun ones, and I’m worried people will think ocd is depraved and then think that about me. But I know I shouldn’t live in fear and that if I keep doing that, ocd will continue to be misunderstood.

@Catlove9 I can definitely relate to harm OCD at work!!! 🫣 Lol. Maybe she'll stay with surface discussions and what's common about OCD, like the checking and cleaning type compulsions, or not at all. I'm sure if she's been doing awareness type presentations, she'll do it very appropriately. Maybe you can have a conversation about her approach? I think it'll be awesome. But, for now it's important for you to just allow that uncertainty without the response. :-)

@Someone99 You’re right. I need to lead with my values and not my OCD. it’s super bad today. I think because I didn’t sleep. Rumination is so hard for me.

@Catlove9 It is for me too. So I understand that completely. My latest seems to be finally tapering off after a few months. I have a few tools I apply when the ruminating gets loud. If it's during the night, I say, "I'll think about this again at 8am", for example, or sometimes I visualize the thought written or the scene replaying broadcast on the sail of a sailboat and just watch it float past. Then there's always the "sitting with uncertainty", maybe maybe not, and also releasing myself from the responsibility to figure this out. And doing something positive always helps.

@Someone99 Thank you. I will try those things. Why has yours been bad? Besides the intrusions doing activities you mentioned before.

@Catlove9 Well this could be a very long story, we would have to discuss over dinner. 🤣 Lol. I'll attempt to keep it short. I was just finally diagnosed with OCD in 2023 after having a complete meltdown from a situation at work and getting fired (first of the 2 I mentioned earlier) That involved a couple coworkers egging a young female coworker, who I thought I have a good relationship with based on the fact that she always approached me and told me all about her life, lol. Well, guys told her to threaten to have me fired for whatever, I still don't know. I was told I talked about religion to her when they fired me. But for months after that experience I ruminated to the point where I would roll around on the floor with my head in my hands all night. I was planning revenge and all. That's when I reached out for help. I was doing well until stuff started happening at work again. I went back to a company I worked at for a long time before the job I lost in 2023. It was fine for a year then got extremely weird and I ended up leaving from a meeting I was called in to that began 25 minutes prior. The supervisor was all pissed and jumped on me right when I sat down. After I ran out that day he just kept lying to me about everything. So I quit. That was Oct of 2024. Since then I find myself ruminating about it, having conversations over, reliving moments, etc. It's the same but different than the previous situation, like it hits me more when I'm busy and trying to concentrate and not at night. So yeah, for me it's the real event that seems to trigger me, and other stuff pops up in those moments as well.

@Someone99 I am so so so sorry you had to go through that. I can only imagine how that made you feel. Have you always had OCD? Or is it more a recent development?

@Catlove9 I believe I've had it for a long time, perhaps since puberty. Now that I'm aware of it, I can see many times in my life it showed up. How about yourself?

@Someone99 I think I’ve had it since I was about 4. I’m 37 now. It didn’t get super bad until I was around 31.

@Catlove9 My first real bad episode was in 2018 but the Drs never considered OCD or ERP therapy. They just threw meds at me which were horrible and I didn't stay on very long. I just turned 55 in January. It doesn't hit just young people

@Someone99 You are so right. My first super bad experience was 2019. Monday, May 19th to be exact. It was after a weekend of drinking (I don’t drink anymore). I was already having false memories, which I experienced before. But I had the worst panic attack that day and during the panic attack, I had my first harm intrusive thoughts and it felt like I had to or wanted to hurt someone. I had no idea what that was because my OCD never felt that way before. I dealt with health ocd, false memory, relationship ocd, and a few others before. But it was never the way it appeared that day. It’s the day my brain broke. I started ERP not too long after but I will admit, I never gave it 100%. I white knuckle through. But the taboo thoughts hit me out of nowhere.

@Catlove9 The day your brain broke, I like that, and understand it. Mine was actually in 2018 after realizing I made a really bad mistake. I spent 10 days in the psych ward unresponsive because I laid there ruminating severely. Thanks for sharing that with me. How was your day today?

@Catlove9 And you know, our brains broke, but they can be put back together, and put back together better than they were before. You touched my heart the past several days. And I'm so glad to be connecting with you here like this. It's a blessing to me. I'll count it an honor to be here for you anytime you need someone. I feel alone in this most the time, we don't need to be. I hope your day was ok today.

@Catlove9 And you're taking a step in your workplace to bring awareness to OCD and mental health challenges. You're my hero a little bit. I wish I would've written to you earlier today. I would've like to hear from you today.

@Catlove9 Hope to hear from you tomorrow. Hope I'm not making a fool out of myself. Lol.

@Someone99 Not at all! It’s good to be able to connect with people with like experiences. No one in my life understands. My mom doesn’t believe I have OCD or rather she thinks it’s not the real issue. It can be so isolating. But no one gets it. Most people just think we can think of other things. But it’s really not the thoughts that bother me anymore. It’s how I feel and the absolute fear I feel. I’m sorry you went through what you went through. I tried Prozac but it didn’t do anything for me. If anything I was more anxious because I was worried about having a bad reaction. I just get very tired of dealing with it all day. I try to accept the feelings and urges but I’m exhausted.

@Catlove9 Don't you just love it when people say "just think happy thoughts" and things like that. If only. Prozac is awful, so glad you're not on that anymore. I'm currently just on a low dose of generic Lexapro, which I would like to wean off eventually. It's not easy once you're on that. Not sure depression and anxiety is my issue, they just stem from the OCD. I know how exhausted it is, so I completely understand what you're going through. And it's a daily journey. Lol. The weather here today is horrible too, gray skies, drizzling, and about 40 degrees. The dampness just goes through you! Can we have some sunshine?!?!

@Someone99 Yah. I know the OCD is the cause of all what I go through! I had a therapy appointment today actually. It’s very damp and rainy here as well! It’s been very dreary. I hope my OCD eventually gets better. I’m trying but I catch myself getting involved with the thoughts so much.

@Catlove9 Me too. I don't know if they'll ever go away completely, but I think we can get stronger at reacting to them in a healthy way. Which is to not react to them. Lol. That's basically what ERP teaches us to do. Eventually it becomes normal and better. I'm always willing to be here as a lifeline for you. I'll do all I can to pull you back to you. 🙂 How did the therapy appointment go?

@Someone99 It went alright. I told her about the event I wanted to do and how I’m scared. I also told her how my intrusive urges are getting stronger and how I’m worried that this isn’t OCD. like it feels like I’m just going to lose control and it’s so scary.

@Catlove9 Well, it's good to be able to talk this out. Keep reminding yourself you're not these thoughts, they're just thoughts. OCD is a bully too. It beats us us, causes us to condemn ourselves and experience no grace.

@Someone99 It sucks so bad. It makes me feel like this undercover monster who’s just going to explode sometimes. And I’m literally the most gentle person who doesn’t even kill spiders!

@Catlove9 Hoping you're having an ok day. 🙂

@Someone99 Thanks! It’s alright! I hope yours is good as well.

@Catlove9 It's not too bad so far. Thanks 🙂

@Catlove9 Wish we had a more direct way to communicate, but they seem to flag that

@Someone99 Yah. A direct message function would be nice.

@Catlove9 Yeah. How's your day going today?

@Someone99 It wasn’t bad. I’m freaking out a little. So I know I should be promoted. My boss knows it and it’s why I left in July of last year for another job. (I have since came back). So I came back under my old role but told my boss I want to focus on what I need to do to get promoted. So we’ve been meeting and driving forward. However, I wasn’t given any indication of when a promotion would happen. So in the meantime, I’ve been talking to other departments to see if there are other opportunities. No big deal. But then today, my boss made it seem like I would be getting promoted. (It’s been a whole ordeal). Now I’m worried he’ll find out I spoke to other departments and then won’t promote me. How are you?

@Catlove9 Wow, that can be stressful. Certainly allow the uncertainty on that one. I'm thinking it'll be ok for you, but don't take that as reassurance. :-) My day has been ok. Looking forward to another 3 day weekend. These 10 hr days feel long on Wednesday, but it's certainly worth it when Friday comes. Hope you sleep well tonight and wake refreshed tomorrow. You got this. 🙂

@Someone99 I’m so jealous of your work schedule! That is awesome. I’m already at work. But I get to work from home Mondays and Fridays.

@Catlove9 Oh that's nice. You get to be with your 5 furry 4 legged coworkers Monday and Friday! 🙂 Hope your day is beginning in a good way!

@Someone99 It’s not so bad. Anxiety is super high today. I’m not sure if you ever experience this but it can feel like I’m about to do something awful. It’s terrifying

@Catlove9 Yes I have. The anxiety is there because our brains are reacting as of there's real danger. I get it so bad I'm literally in fight or flight mode, completely reactionary. It's actually a lymbic response, like when someone throws a ball at your face and you react with thinking to block it. So it's a natural function of the brain for our protection, but it's switched on over something that's not real, like an intrusive thought.

@Someone99 It’s so scary. Because then it feels like I want to do these things or I wouldn’t care. Then my anxiety ramps up even more.

@Catlove9 Thats where ERP would help. In a therapy session, the therapist would help you identify different response tools to prevent actions or compulsions. Exposure, response, prevention

@Someone99 The sad part is, I’ve been in ERP for years. Idk why I can’t get my crap together. It just feels like there’s no way this could be OCD

@Catlove9 🤔 interesting. So what I just said is nothing new. Lol. And it's harm, like urges to hurt others?

@Someone99 Yah. I would say that’s the predominant one. I absolutely hate it.

@Catlove9 Maybe there's something else in there? Anger or hurt you're dealing with? I dug up something that happened to me when I was 4 years old through this process. Had me on the bathroom floor weeping like a child for a half hour. But it needed healing, nurturing.

@Someone99 Hm. That’s what odd. I don’t have any anger or hurt. If anything, I’m the exact opposite. I have a lot of love. I don’t get angry and I have never hurt anything. I don’t even hurt spiders. This is what happens. I get anxious or have an awful thought and then I start trying to get rid of it or analyzing what it means. And then I get more anxious to where it feels so real. So I think I may be going wrong there. I don’t think I’ve employed ERP bc I’m just too scared.

@Catlove9 Oh ok. Are you single? Lol. Sorry... But yeah, it's probably it. As they say OCD really attacks us where we value most. So being these thoughts/urges are so opposite to who you really are, it's upsetting you more.

@Catlove9 I think that's why my most recent challenges are different than before. My previous supervisor was a friend for 30 years, he told me I was like a brother to him, that he respected me so much, then lied to me and told me 2 others lied as well. I know it was all lies because there was an email chain for almost a year about the events. That was like personal betrayal as well as work.

@Someone99 Ugh. I am so sorry you dealt ! I’m not single at the moment. How about you? Betrayal is super hard. I have had experiences like that where it was emotional betrayal. Did you ever find out why they did that to you?

@Catlove9 He was trying to act like a tough guy and show off, I think. I cut off all communication after I quit, so yeah, that's been part of the ruminating, trying to figure out what the hell he was thinking. I was extremely valuable there too. Weird stuff went on for almost a year, and everything I brought up with hope of resolve was ignored. It wasn't healthy for me. I love my new job. I'm coming to the end of a divorce. We both agreed it was best, all things considered. At least we're civil. Please don't be upset with my silly "flirting", you seem like an amazing person, and an extremely nice person. Your man better treat you right. :-)

@Someone99 Omg! I’m not upset at all. I’m flattered if anything! He treats me alright. He doesn’t understand the OCD, but I know I can’t expect anyone to. He’s not super affectionate but I also know not everyone is. Idk! I think I always had this romantic idea of relationships and the older I get, the more I realize it’s not really like that.

@Catlove9 Well, I'm still heartbroken over my first crush on the 7th grade! 🤣 I think as we get older, it's more about liking being around each other, being able to talk, etc. By nature, I'm one who craves deep connection. I'm an INFP on the Myers Briggs personality type thing. Lol. Ever hear of that?

@Catlove9 And I'm glad you took it as a compliment. 🙂

@Someone99 Yes! I am an INFJ! And it fits me to a tee. I think I always loved falling in love and now I see what you said. Liking being around someone and having stuff in common.

@Catlove9 Yeah because once the kids grow up and we get old, sex isn't quite what it used to be, lol. It's really more about the connection. I was actually a little freaked out when I did that test and read the description, it's like how did they get inside my head!?!? Lol. My older son is an INFJ and my younger an INFP like me, and we have the best conversations, serious and not so serious, lots of laughter. So... if ever you're available, please let me know. 🫣 Lol.

@Someone99 Oh wow! You have two kids? I only have pets lol! It seems like you are close with your kids, which is good! Yah the test is scary because it is so spot on.

@Catlove9 INFJ's are the most rare, they say. INFP's are very rare too. So, we're special. 🤭 Yeah, my older boy is married already and lives near Dallas, TX. Young one is still home. They're better young adults than I was. Lol

@Someone99 I actually read that about INFJs. At first I felt special and then I realized “no wonder I’m so misunderstood.” lol. Wow! Congrats on two awesome kids. I’ve decided to never have kids.

@Catlove9 That is a part of it, feeling misunderstood. I know I always have. I've often said I wouldn't even fit in on the island of misfit toys. 🤣 Especially as a guy being an INFP!!! It's like yeah, I must be gay! Lol!!!. Then again, j.r.r. Tolkien and William Shakespeare apparently were INFP's, so they somebody. Lol

@Catlove9 So, I kinda work on Friday, since I work until 12:30am, I work for 30 minutes on Fridays. 😁 When you wake this morning, the thoughts/urges aren't you. They're an unwelcome pest. They're there of course, but package them in to what they are, an unwanted pest. You are not those pesty thoughts. They're like a big bug, or like Beetlejuice, just annoying, obnoxious and silly. You can do this, my dear friend.

@Someone99 Thank you! Yes this morning was rough for some reason, but I still pushed through. Sometimes I get so freaked out that it feels like I can’t even concentrate or it feels like I’m not inside my body. It’s so frickin scary. I don’t even know how to explain it! Yah. Being an INFJ, I am very sensitive. I feel other peoples’ emotions and feelings. I tend to absorb how things make other people feel. It’s definitely made me empathetic.

@Catlove9 That is the description of empathy. I'm that way too. It's draining, yet life giving, like if I don't take the pain in others on myself, I don't really live.

@Catlove9 I remember how when I am really deep in to an OCD crisis, I really don't feel like I'm functioning in reality. It's most noticeable when the OCD begins to ease, it's like a feeling or an experience of becoming sober, or like my feet touch the ground again. That's probably what you're going through now.

@Catlove9 I guess that's disassociation that's a common ocd experience.

@Someone99 Yah. It just feels like I turn into something else? Like it’s still me but there’s this veil between myself and reality and I can’t get to the other side. And I’m suffering in inexplicable fear and panic and I can’t get out.

@Catlove9 I'm going to reach in and pull you out! Been there. And for me it was almost like I was a spectator watching but involved at the same time, a pre written script. Almost like I knew what was going to happen. So strange. Seriously though, how can I help you out of this? Try to step out of the thought cycle somehow. I mean they're going to happen, but try to separate. My gee male is mvh 9944, no space of course. Lol I'm spending the morning taking my mom on errands. She's 82 and has been going through a tough time since my dad passed away last year...pray for me, she can be a handful. Lol

@Someone99 I don’t know how to pull out of this. It feels like the worst it’s ever been. But I say that every time lol. It just feels like my whole body is going to do something awful. And then I ruminate and it starts to feel like I want to or have to and I get even more scared! I just realized you meant Gmail! Good luck with your mom! My dad passed away almost 13 years ago. I’m heading to the really big garden I live near. It’s great.

@Catlove9 Yeah, I don't know if email would be easier, if you want. Our conversation is getting long, which is a good thing. :-) Having lunch with Mom. It is so nice out today!!! Enjoy the sunshine, sunshine always helps

@Someone99 Hopefully your day with your mom was fun!

@Catlove9 It's was. It made her day. She wanted to get her hair cut so we stopped at a Great Clips, not sure if you have those around you, and they weren't busy, so I got mine cut too! We got our hair done together! 🤣🤣🤣 She has moments of confusion, we're seeing evidence of dementia or something like that. It was prevalent in her family

@Catlove9 Ugh, my machine in the garage for my side business broke down. It's barely used, but made in China. I am not happy! Lol

@Someone99 Oh that’s so nice you did all that for her! What’s your side business?

@Catlove9 🙂 I try. I was able to hold my dad as he passed away last year. It was crazy how healing it was to be there with him. Hard to explain. I don't know if I could ever do enough for my mom in this stage of her life. She gave everything for us for all those years. Now she's becoming dependent on us. I have a CNC machining business. It took shape last year and all came together somehow,lol.

@Catlove9 Machine is running again, got my job done and dropped it at FedEx! 😁 Hope your Monday is going well

@Someone99 It was alright. Tuesday is not going as well lol.

@Catlove9 Oh no. I'm here for you, my friend. Remember to separate, remember those thoughts/urges are an unwanted pest.

@Someone99 That’s what I did! I’m proud of myself. Did you ever get false memories?

@Catlove9 Great! For me, when I relive and replay events so many times, they do begin to reshape. As I wrote that, I'm wondering if that's what I may be trying to do? Lol. So I guess it's similar. I've seen many post on here about false memories being things that most likely never even happened. How do you experience false memories?

@Someone99 Mine were always after nights of drinking and worrying I did the most awful things. I have 4 that stick out. I don’t drink anymore.

@Catlove9 Oh, yeah, that could confuse things a little bit. Have you been bothered today with it? Would it help to talk about them? One of my exposures in therapy was to write the thought and scenarios about the thought down on paper. Then read through it

@Someone99 Yah. I used to do scripts! I sometimes just get flashbacks. For example. I went to a concert a few years back. I usually never drink at concerts but this time I did. I don’t remember the end of the concert and since then I’m worried I beat someone up when I was drunk 😔. There’s no evidence of course but my brain made it seem like it happened. Since then I can’t listen to that artist

@Catlove9 Whew, glad it wasn't that your underwear were found somewhere.... Lol!!! I'm 99% sure I peed in my pants in the back of a police car one night in college. I was drunk off my a.. and tried to walk home. I remember the police having me on the hood of their car, next I'm in the backseat with handcuffs on, then I woke up in bed with my jeans on the floor, soaked with pee. Lol. Rough night for sure. There's plenty of other things I get flashbacks over too, not alcohol involved. There's a moment of anxiety that comes with it, but I've learned to recognize that, and chalk it up to a learning experience. And give myself a little, sometimes a lot of grace.

@Someone99 Yah. I think the hardest part for me is I beat myself up over it. Like really bad. I’ll say “how could I be so stupid to get so drunk to not even remember the end of the concert?” The false memories suck bc they feel so real. But I suppose that’s how all OCD feels. It really all does “feel” the same. It just comes in with a new mask.

@Catlove9 Absolutely. OCD makes our brains react to a thought as a real danger, which is why it is so real, even though it's not. And that's where grace is important, and also sifting through the OCD mess to see what we need to see in order to learn from the mistakes, heal and grow to be better people.

@Catlove9 Hope you have a good night sleep, and tomorrow may be a little better for you, my dear friend. 🙂

@Catlove9 Happy rainy Thursday. Ugh, just makes it difficult to move today. Lol. You doing ok?

@Someone99 Hey! It’s rainy here too! Very dreary. I’m okay. I didn’t get much sleep so my anxiety is always worse when that happens. How are you?

@Catlove9 We're getting raindrops from the same clouds. 😊 Lol. I'm thinking I should just go back to bed. Feeling like the weather. Are you somewhere in the northeast US? I'm in eastern PA

@Someone99 I would have loved to stay in bed. I am in the northeast. I live in Delaware.

@Catlove9 I figured you had to be somewhat close, our weather is always the same. Lol.

@Catlove9 I'm an hour drive north of Philly. Heading to an airport area hotel tomorrow evening, flight leaves for Texas at 5:05am Saturday morning!

@Someone99 That’s exciting! I assume to visit your son? You may have mentioned that.

@Catlove9 Yes. Flying in to Dallas, then driving south to Austin and San Antonio. Hoping to find some good Texas BBQ restaurants along the way! 🙂

@Someone99 That will be fun. Food is one of my favorite parts of life 🤣. Actually it is my favorite.

@Catlove9 Yeah, one of my favorites too, especially when traveling to try different local foods. The restaurant area where I live is quite lame, just your typical chain restaurants mainly. There is one or two good ones around. There's a fairly new Mediterranean restaurant nearby with a husband/wife owner/chefs that is fantastic, possibly my favorite atm. They're super nice people too

@Someone99 We have some decent places around here. Not as many chains. Pizza is my absolute favorite. I could eat it literally every day.

@Catlove9 Oh we had a fantastic pizza place here in the little borough I love in and it went out of business because of covid! But there's a new sign on the building saying a new pizza shop is opening soon! Life will be good again soon! Lol. So should you ever find yourself single again, lol, plan on a pizza date! 😊

@Someone99 Hahaha! I will do that.

@Catlove9 🙂

@Catlove9 Hey! Just logged on here in Texas and wanted to say hi. How are you doing this week?

@Someone99 Not too bad. Just the same frustrations with work. How’s Texas?

@Catlove9 It was really cold when I got here! Went to a Texas rangers baseball game, they won, the covered stadium is an amazing structure. Today was 78 and sunny in San Antonio. San Antonio is a really cool place.

@Someone99 I’ll have to check it out some time!

@Catlove9 The Alamo is there.for the history, but the Riverwalk is really nice. Lots of restaurants, really good bbq.

@Catlove9 I know you're a pizza gal, 😉, but Google The Salt Lick Driftwood, TX. Ate there last night, got my pic taken next to the bbq pit...I think that's heaven on earth! 🤣

@Someone99 Hahaha! That doesn’t sound bad! We are going to North Carolina next week so hope to get some BBQ while we are there.

@Catlove9 Nice enjoy! In the meantime, I'm back at work 😭 lol

@Someone99 I’m not supposed to be working but I’ve been checking in bc I can’t stay away.

@Catlove9 Yuk! I thought you were going to NC?

@Someone99 We are here! But I’ve been checking in with work. I need to stop though.

@Catlove9 Yes you do young lady! 😉 Enjoy your time off, my dear friend.

@Someone99 Thank you! I will try!

@Catlove9 Anytime. I'm always here to talk 🙂

@Someone99 Same!

@Catlove9 I had a 30 minute check in session with my therapist yesterday. She sent me a video that is very helpful. I want to share it with you, maybe it'll be helpful to you as well.

@Catlove9 Wish I could share Texas pics, I had a waffle shaped like Texas for breakfast one morning! 🤣

@Someone99 Hahaha waffles are great.

@Catlove9 They taste better when they're shaped like Texas! 😛 Lol! Hope your time off is good.

@Someone99 Thanks! So far so good.

@Catlove9 Thinking of you today! Hope you had a good week off, and have a nice Easter!!!

@Someone99 Thank you! We are headed home. Super tired but it was fun. Have a nice Easter!

@Catlove9 There you are...lol. Had to scroll down my messages to find you. :-) How are you lately? And, am I nuts? Lol. I mean, I get it right in my heart when I read so many posts on here. I want to help and encourage anyone all the time. It gets exhausting sometimes, but it's like a need. Do you think maybe it's a compulsion? Or am I nuts? Lol

@Someone99 You aren’t nuts at all. I think we like to help people because we’ve been so alone in our lives with the OCD. I love helping others. Right now I’m struggling with forgiving myself for mistakes I’ve made.

@Catlove9 Thanks for the words of encouragement. And I'm right there with you on the past mistakes thing... 🙂

@Someone99 How do you get through it?

@Catlove9 For me, it's a faith thing. Otherwise I'm left in a cycle of regrets and self hatred, never able to forgive myself.

@Someone99 Yah. That’s kinda where I’m at now. Regrets over getting too drunk a few times is mostly mine at the moment. I’m sure a normal person wouldn’t think twice. But I wish I hadn’t gotten drunk

@Catlove9 Especially when it gets to the point of not exactly knowing what happened being drunk. Lol.

@Catlove9 And your thoughts aren't easy on you, no room for grace. Good old OCD. Lol

@Catlove9 My mistakes were pretty bad. I spiral down the hole big time sometimes. Even just driving past a location that triggers me ... That happened this morning. Sometimes I think I should move to another part of the country. Or mars. Lol

@Someone99 Yes to the drunk part. I think of all the most awful things I could have done. Obviously there’s no evidence but that doesn’t change it. I know how you feel. Songs or places or anything can remind me of mistakes. I keep trying to remind myself everyone makes mistakes and I don’t drink anymore.

@Catlove9 I think you're a really good person. I was struggling with how to express that, and that doesn't quite cut it. Lol. Are you still planning the event about mental health awareness at work?

@Someone99 Yes! I’m actually doing a global event where I talk about my experience with OCD and tell people what it’s like living with it. I hope it helps at least one person.

@Catlove9 You are my hero. Wow.... Is that through the company or elsewhere?

@Someone99 It’s through my company. I am actually so excited for it.

@lilfroggy Thank you. I am going to keep going.