I need a professional to reply

This weekend, my boyfriend came to visit me. Before he arrived, I had so many compulsions—I was constantly seeking reassurance, even talking to ChatGPT right up until he got to my house. When he arrived, I tried to listen to what ChatGPT had told me and focus on being present. Even though I still had intrusive thoughts, I was able to feel better at times—I felt love, I wanted to kiss him, and I had moments of connection. But at the same time, there were moments where he would speak kindly to me or express his feelings, and I would have thoughts like “I don’t care about him” or “I feel nothing.” I didn’t feel the compassion I thought I should, and that scared me. Still, overall, I felt relatively better than usual. I had NOCD uninstalled until now, and on Wednesday, I have my first therapy appointment. But now, I’m doubting whether I even need therapy. I start thinking: “What if I can heal on my own?” or “What if going to therapy is a mistake?” And the worst one: “What if I go and realize I don’t have ROCD, and I actually just don’t like my boyfriend?” My boyfriend keeps trying to help me see things rationally. He told me that I have unrealistic expectations of love and that I don’t need to feel constant affection to be in love. He also told me that if I truly didn’t love him, I wouldn’t be feeling so much distress about this. And logically, I know that’s true, but intrusive thoughts still scream the opposite. After he left, I started feeling irritated with him when he talked through messages on the gc woth me and my best friend, like I couldn’t stand him, and that thought scared me. I also had moments thinking about that boy from school, that my mind was scared if me thinking about that random boy i dont know because a while ago i was scared of looking at other boys, ghinking im a horible gf . When I kissed my boyfriend, sometimes his image popped into my head, and I felt terrible. My boyfriend tells me that since I feel guilty and distressed, it’s proof that I love him—because I wouldn’t be this anxious if I didn’t care. But then I get thoughts saying the exact opposite. It’s like my mind keeps creating arguments to convince me that my worst fear is real. I’m exhausted

I have ocd, i have crazy intrusive thoughts that make me super uncomfortable, the thing is i understand that ocd goes against your morals and try’s to make you feel like a bad person but how do i avoid pushing people away while trying to treat my ocd.. i love my boyfriend so so much but when i get intrusive thoughts about hurting his feelings or doing something terrible it scares me so bad that i’m scared to be around him because in my head it’s like “why am i even thinking of this if i love him so much” and i know i would never do anything to hurt him but i just feel terrible because he’s an amazing boyfriend and i have all these bad thoughts. :(

I have been really really struggling for the past 3 months and haven’t been able to stop intrusive thoughts/ rumination and confessing. It’s making me question my entire life, my relationship and even who I am as a person. It’s mainly effecting my relationship, I am so afraid that I did something or think things that are definitely hurtful to my partner. I know my brain is contorting my own memory and making things seem so much worse. I also know I haven’t done anything bad, all my things I’ve confessed about have been considered “normal” and I’ve been told that “you’re normal, you didn’t do anything wrong”. But I have felt this intense sense of guilt and shame and it doesn’t go away, I can’t even be a normal person anymore. And I keep searching for “just one more thing I need to tell” and I don’t want to keep searching my brain of every time I’ve said or done anything that I can distort and make seem 1000% worse. I’m isolating myself and just feel like I’m a bad person. I keep confessing my thoughts, feeling, urges, etc. to my partner and while I know I would never do any of these I feel like my ocd is trying to convince me that maybe I would because “why else would you think it or feel guilty” and that makes it so much worse. I really need guidance on how to handle this. What do I do to stop feeling like this and heal?