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:( I’m sorry, I go through this too. I sobbed for weeks over my checking compulsion because it felt so immoral, so wrong, so unjustifiable. I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this. It’s a gut wrenching experience. All I could do was do my best to accept that a compulsion is JUST a compulsion. A faulty safety mechanism gone wrong. Done out of ANXIETY. Even if you felt like you were doing it for bad reasons, that likely was a compulsion too (pretending to do something for bad reasons, or trying to see if you could do it for bad reasons). It took me almost a month to finally come to terms with the fact that it is ***just*** a compulsion. It was so hard. Mine was a POCD themed one. Checking during self intimacy. I felt awful. Horrible and terrified it would happen again out of anxiety. My OCD would say “you sexualized kids, you tried to get off to violent immoral thoughts of children, *just* like a pedophile.” And then I would spiral, I was debilitated by depression and guilt for two weeks. Even writing this out right now has made me cry. Please just know that you’re not alone, even if your checking compulsion was different. All it says about you is that you’re anxious. That you have OCD. That you have a conscience. Please don’t be scared of it happening again, if it does just simply try to stop it. Don’t beat yourself up. It is ***just*** a compulsion. It’ll get easier, just keep steering yourself away when you realize it’s happening and try to remember it is only a compulsion. I had to let the guilt die down on its own, my therapist suggested trying to coexist with it because fighting it away would make it worse.

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Hi Tony, guilt is a really common experience with OCD. The cycle of OCD is so persistent. Intrusive thought, following by discomfort, then demands to do compulsions, temporary relief, but then around and around it goes. Sounds like your discomfort is guilt, which is so common with OCD. Remember, we try our best and choose opportunities to lean in to discomfort - even guilt! We do not need to engage in this feeling, give it meaning, or push it away. Our goal is to find the sweet spot of letting it be without it giving it power over us. Consider self-compassion and grace for yourself - this is tough work! Keep sharing with us and take a look around the website to learn more about OCD! https://www.treatmyocd.com/