Tips on self sabotage…

A little over a year ago I ended a 10-year relationship. I found out that he had been lying the whole time and was an alcoholic and avid drug user. Since then, I unexpectedly met and started dating a great guy, but my relationship OCD and trust issues are going to ruin it. He’s given me no reason not to trust him and has reassured me plenty of times that I didn’t deserve what I went through and that it had nothing to do with me. So why do I continue to make snide remarks about his “other girlfriends” and what not… He’s also divorced and has his own problems to work through, so I feel bad adding more to his plate. I know that I’m imagining the worst case scenarios in my head to try and “prepare” myself for things that could happen, but I’m going to lose him because I can’t get out of my head. I’m so afraid of missing something like I did with my ex that I pick everything apart. Every story detail, every inconsistency, heck I even convinced myself he was cheating because he deep cleaned his house on his day off… Advice on starting a new relationship without carrying over the trauma of your old one?

Ryan B

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 21w

Hi! As a sufferer of ROCD as well, things that help me is to first understand that you have the power to decide the course of your relationship, not OCD. And secondly you have to learn and practice leaning into the uncertainty and the uncomfortableness of that. Maybe he is hiding something, maybe he isn’t, there’s no way to know for sure. Maybe all the the worst case scenarios will happen, maybe they won’t. You need to make decisions based on what you want from this relationship and your values and do the opposite of what OCD is trying to pressure you to do. Hope this helps :)

AnonymousAnf

Date posted: 21w

@Ryan B Hi, Ryan! Thank you for sharing. This is helpful and I needed the reminder that I have the power to determine how the relationship goes. Have a great week! ☀️

JediMJ

Date posted: 21w

I don’t think it’s possible to just drop our trauma, though I wish it was. You seem to be aware of how it manifests itself—like snide comments. You might not be able to stop some of these behaviors, but if you understand them, that’s progress. I’ve been able to catch myself in real time, getting irrationally upset and stopping myself. I try to be curious about what was going on in my head and what ridiculous thing I was about to accuse my partner of…and then I can have a conversation and wow! My triggered thoughts are not grounded in reality. If you’re having an irrational fear, you might acknowledge it and then ask, if you can accept the answer. If you asked him why he was deep cleaning, and he said, “I had the time and I hadn’t done it in a while and I wanted the place to look nice for you,” it would be great if your mind could accept it and replace your fearful story with the facts. Accusing our partners of things isn’t helpful. And what I’ve learned is that this is MY work—self-soothing when I can, talking myself out of my irrational thoughts, and asking questions when I am ready to believe the answers. When I first found out about ROCD and that getting reassurance just feeds the cycle, I didn’t want to ask for any. But then I realized it’s only detrimental to ask when the asking is just a compulsion, when I ask the question often because I don’t believe the answer. So now I only try to ask questions when I am ready to believe the answer and let the issue be settled. Not revisit it. (The next day or maybe in the next 5 minutes) It sounds like you are on a good path, even though your thoughts are messing with you. Trust that you can heal and figure out how to navigate these challenges. Wishing you good thoughts and a calm nervous system. 🙂

AnonymousAnf

Date posted: 21w

@JediMJ Wow, this was insanely helpful. Thank you so much. I definitely struggle with accepting the answers I’m given if they’re different than what I’m expecting. I also struggle with HAVING to ask the question, like if he’s seeing someone else, when I know it’s illogical and will only result in him getting offended and upset that I 1. Don’t trust him, or 2. Think he’d do that. I’m hoping with some more reflection I can stop asking about my irrational thoughts and seeking reassurance altogether, but for now I’m taking it one day at a time. Thank you again for sharing and I hope you have a great week! ☀️

JediMJ

Date posted: 21w

@SponsoredByZoloft You’re welcome—I’m so glad my thoughts were helpful! Yeah, it was wild for me and my partner at the time to realize that reassurance was contributing to my insecurity, by feeding my OCD cycle. But that revelation was so helpful…because she was saying all the right things and my brain was still flailing around and it made no sense. My therapist figuring out I was struggling with ROCD was key. I had no idea that my “overthinking” was actually the problem, that my “intrusive thoughts” weren’t real. They sure feel real! Glad you are taking it one day at a time…you’re doing great!

Mazy420

Date posted: 23w

Advice on this situation 😭

I’m at a loss about what to do. I’ve been with my partner for about a year. I’ve wanted to be with him for 3 years and now I finally have him, I got out of a really toxic 11 year relationship about 4 years ago so I’ve had plenty of time to heal, things where going so great at first in our relationship and I’m still very much happy with him, I love him more than anything, but the past 5 6 months I’ve been having a constant fear that he’s gonna cheat or watch 🌽behind my back any chance he gets , I know that’s a touchy subject for some, but me personally it just makes me feel that I’m not attractive enough,or feel like I’m not good enough, I’ve never found evidence of cheating, and I’ve found 🌽 in his history once but I told him how I felt and he told me he understood how I felt and wouldn’t do it again,and I know the constant asking everyday and needing for reassurance with it is putting a tear in our relationship, I just want to fix it. Does anyone have any advice on how to redirect my brain whenever I start overthinking about it when I’m not around him? It just puts so much stress on me when I’m not around him cause I’m just constantly in my head about it.

Relationship OCD

anonymous737...

Date posted: 20w

i need some advice

So i had really bad pure ocd but recently it’s been sooo much better but i’m in a relationship and me and my bf dated before about 2 years ago then we broke up and now we are back together but i’m having an issue where i will try to go back years and find something i did wrong and i really do not want to find anything to feel wrong about or guilty specifically something i may have done wrong to my boyfriend but the thing is i’m a good girlfriend and i’m very loyal so i don’t want to ruin something for me because of my past if that makes sense like i can’t remember doing anything wrong but my brain keeps going are u sure let’s look at all your interactions with people and it’s so annoying i just wanna live my life in the present does anyone have any tips

JazzyRoses

Date posted: 19w

Being Cheated On OCD

Hi everyone! I have been having a rough time. So my boyfriend talks to his ex still as friends and I’ve been struggling with it lately and I can’t tell if it’s OCD or not but it does feel so distressing. She wasn’t texting him for about 2-3 months as she got into a relationship with this guy and they broke up. She had messaged him saying that she has no one else to talk to and needed to vent to someone. At first I felt okay, but my intrusive thoughts took over and it seemed like she was trying to get with him after the fact. It’s probably just my intrusive thoughts talking but he looks on Discord (the app where the message) constantly now and my intrusive thoughts convince me that he’s still in love with her. Then yesterday I saw one of his BeReals (a little photo app that shows a photo of the day) and I saw that he was watching one of her streams as she is a streamer. I struggled to talk about it because it made my worst thought feel like it came true where he is still in love with her. When we talked he gets a lil mad that I don’t tell him right away like straight up what I’m feeling but it’s hard to process because my thoughts flood in of all the worst things and I don’t want to come off as toxic at all and I know relationships are built on trust and I want to trust because this is literally the only thing that makes me nervous about him. It also doesn’t help that I’ve been cheated on before so I’m trying to protect myself but I’m lost. I get so depressed and so anxious because I feel like I have to grieve the relationship and it’s just so dramatic. I’ve never loved anyone like this before and I don’t wanna lose him by bringing this stuff up constantly when something occurs with his ex. I don’t know why I get triggered so easily and I just wanna heal from it and be the good girlfriend I’m supposed to be 😭

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Tips on self sabotage…

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