It all feels so real… HOCD and ROCD… I know I love my husband but I don’t feel anything rn not even talking about HOCD. I know it’s the worst thing I can do but it starts to feel like the right thing to do..
Sometimes, OCD kicks in for me when everything is FINE, too. There is a fear when things are honestly going great that “maybe I missed something that IS wrong” or “what if I did X to ruin everything?” I also struggle with HOCD, especially because there is a small part of me that I’ve come to accept is actually gay (%20-40, it fluctuates). It is hard not to ruminate on what life would be like with another partner — often I notice my ROCD is trying to make “escape plans”, like, “who could I be with if my relationship does explode? What about the opposite gender?” Etc. It can be very tough to deal with, especially when it starts to make you doubt when things are going awesome. Hopefully hearing that you aren’t alone helps (even just a little bit). My most recent therapy appointment dug into all of this a bit more and it was really nice to talk through the reality of what I’d been experiencing internally.
@j vv I can relate to everything you said. I came to understanding part of me likes girl too. But I know I loved my husband and from now and then I had crushes on boys but the thing is I don’t feel physical attraction so much. But I read stuff that I wrote here years ago that I said I’m not attracted to him and don’t feel anything and idk what to do On one hand I feel like ok it happened before but on the second one I feel like maybe I never loved him even tho I’m in therapy and even there she knows I have deep feelings towards him Can you relate to something?
I can definitely relate. It was helpful for me to learn that in any relationship, there are fluctuations of attraction. You may have times where you feel more distant, or very close. These aren’t indications of patterns leading to disaster…it is just the natural flow of life. OCD likes us to think in extremes - “if things aren’t ‘the best they’ve ever been’, then something must be wrong, right?” Doubts start to creep in, and then we ruminate on our relationship status and “what-if” situations to try to find certainty. Living with the uncertainty and planning small exposures with my therapist has been really helpful! Hopefully you’re tooling some things up to help you recognize and not give in to the anxiety you are feeling when these things pop up too. It has been really nice to not seek reassurance, and instead, live with the uncertainty…and learn later that it really was OCD just trying to scare me in the moment.
Becoming more comfortable with my overall sexuality is also helping, together with “may or may not” ideas. Kinda like this: “I may or may not be gay, and it might be impossible to tell. Oh well. I know a lot of very happy straight and gay couples; things seem to be working out for them regardless of orientation. I’m not gonna worry about this”. Hopefully this helps!
@j vv Yes the only fact is I say if I’m gay I have to leave him now cause we can’t be together (it’s not right at all btw, ppl find a way) Right now I really feel nothing even tho a week ago I felt so blessed. It’s hard. We had a fight that triggered me. I have some days I don’t feel a thing and I have days where I don’t even know how to express my love cause nothing feels enough and rn it all looks like a lie.
I’m sorry your relationship feels like a lie right now, I know how that feels. I think recognizing that just a week ago things were fine is a great start. Even though you are feeling lots of doubt and uncertainty now, it’s unlikely that much has really changed in just one week! I’m still learning a lot about myself and this condition, but oftentimes things feel better in a day or two if I stop worrying. I’m finding ways to confront my fears in small chunks, and it has made a big difference! Try to stay positive and not give into any compulsions to get reassurance for now. Note down any thoughts/triggers you have noticed and work on them in therapy! Tackling even one can make a huge difference going forward. Hope you feel better soon!
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