stuck in life

I’m overanlazing alot of things. My first post on my profile covers everything but I’m so worried and like nervous reck of what my ex boyfriend could be doing. We are on no contact for almost 3 weeks now which is the longest we’ve ever gone. I’m getting so much into my head like if he already moved on, or if he’s talking with some girl already, or letting a girl hit on him. Or even going back to bad habits. It’s been driving me nuts for the past few days. I’m still mad at him for hurting me mentally but miss him too. I keep thinking there’s something wrong with me, wrong with the way I’m thinking, like I’m not normal for thinking these things. That he’d find me weird I wonder those things and that I check on his profile on instagram, just staring at it, blocking and un blocking him. I worry that maybe he doesn’t think of me anymore. And he just. Doesn’t care. I feel like an older version of him would say I’m being too much, that I’m overthinking to so many extents that even tho we are broken up, he’s single and so am I and I shouldn’t care this much about it. But I do. And I’m sure it’s because I’m still in love with him. Even if I’m mad and upset still.

I'm just venting, but everything is feeling so overwhelming lately. Every day, I still find myself checking on my ex. I know it sounds obsessive, but it’s not coming from a weird or stalkerish place. It just feels like I never got closure, and I’m stuck in this loop. I read that “closure is a choice, not a conversation,” and I try to believe that—but part of me still needs to know what he’s doing, like it gives me some weird sense of closure, even if it’s just temporary. And I hate that I’m like this. On top of that, I’ve been wanting to see my Pap, who is in the hospital in pretty severe condition but I never have time because I’m always working. My job is stressful. I try so hard, but my grooms don’t turn out the way I want, and I just feel like I’m failing. Then there's my financial situation—my car payment is $713 a month, plus insurance and other bills. I can’t save at all. Thankfully my mom pays the rent, but she constantly holds it over me and threatens to kick me out. It’s never felt stable at home, and now it’s worse. Lately, my childhood trauma is resurfacing, and it’s affecting everything—my friendships, any chance of a relationship, even my bond with my pets. I feel like I’m falling apart, and when I finally get in bed at night, I just feel hopeless. I look around and see people I went to school with thriving, and I feel so far behind. I used to feel ahead because I was already handling adult responsibilities, but now it feels like I’m stuck while everyone else is moving forward. I’m losing control of my emotions—randomly lashing out, struggling with anger—and I can’t afford therapy or even regular doctor visits. Sometimes I can’t even afford groceries, and it’s frustrating because I work hard and still feel like I’m drowning. I just want a simple, peaceful life: a modest home, a normal car, a stable routine. I want a support system. I want to feel connected like my friends Jessica and Ashley, but I don’t. It’s just me, but it’s still lonely. It feels like no matter how hard I try, I can’t get anything right. Like I’m always doing something wrong in someone’s eyes, and I have no one to turn to for help.

my name is isma, i am 19 in nyc. i met this amazing guy at the beginning of the year, we hit it off immediately and he really stood out to me. i recently broke up with him because i feel like if id put him thru a lot if he’d stay with me. i recently came out to my parents and it wasn’t voluntary. i was caught with him and then had to reveal that i was gay. my parents didn’t take it too well. i felt uncomfortable and a little scared to be at home for some days. that settled in a week and both my parents told me they were acceptant but in the end it just felt to me like if they accepted me but they just didn’t wanna know about it anymore in a sense of just avoiding touching on the topic. now me and my boyfriend, i was going thru a lot and he gave me all his attention and was there for me whenever i had to vent or just cry because of everything going on. it’s crazy to think that at 19 years old id be coming out to my parents when at the start of the year, i never thought that’d be something id end up doing. ive never been open about my emotions or a “soft” person because i was never able to be myself at home and with my parents. sometimes i can’t even hug anyone. i find it hard to speak to strangers that r not my friends. i’m very picky when it comes to making friends. i feel like my thoughts are all over the place and im very indecisive. i miss my boyfriend and i wanna go back with him but im scared that ill ruin things again. before him, i was stuck in hookup culture and thought that by hooking up w a guy i was interested in, he’d wanna stay with me and get to know me. i was used many times and ive also used people many times. i’ve been done dirty and ive done people dirty, i dont think of myself as a good person but i felt loved and deeply cared for by this guy. he lives in nj and i live in ny. sometimes he’d even surprise me at work and i cried the first time he did. i felt so special and in awe because i would’ve never thought i could get so emotional over a small gesture. to me it wasn’t a small gesture. it was everything because he came from all the way in nj to ny just to see me for a couple of minutes. i hate the way that i am. i am unconfident, i think i am so ugly, sometimes i question how he found me attractive to date. i overthink everything, i cried one time imagining him coming to see me in ny then having to go home so late back to nj, i dont think im worth it and i felt like i didn’t deserve that and maybe it’d be better if he found someone near him. i also compared myself a lot with him. he’s such a kind spirited person, he’s always smiling and i on the other hand get told i look sad or anxious. i am i pretty negative person and that just adds on to me being an overthinker. i always thought someone as happy as him deserves another happy person and not someone who gets mad or agitated easily. i wish i can be more for him, i do miss him a lot and i plan on talking with him again. i just wanna talk everything out, even if we don’t date for sometime, i wanna be around him and know we’re gonna get back there again someday. he’s the best person that’s came to my life, i know ppl may say to let it go and see it as a learning experience but i don’t wanna move on if it’s not me moving on by his side. i really do wanna be with him i just wanna get my head clear. i don’t know what to do, im stuck