No redeeming qualities (long vent)

This is just a vent. Feels nice to just be honest about who I am and my deficiencies. Mental health advocates are always like "you deserve to live no matter what" and I'm like "bet lol" I am not a good person whose presence has any positive impact on the world. I'm not evil, just useless without having the excuse of depression or whatever (it's anxiety based but again who gives a shit). If I were to go away, I wouldn't be missed because I contribute nothing of note. If we did not live in the US where you can get by without being socially accepted as long as you have loving parents, I would either be dead or would have stepped up and might actually be a valuable member of society (like between being dead and pushing through my anxiety I would probably choose the latter lol). Interpersonally, I have no redeeming qualities. No I'm not one of those people who says that shit and then lists all the ways they're actually decent but just have low self-esteem, I'm genuinely useless. I'm unreliable when it comes to group projects and my job, usually doing the bare minimum or less than that. When it comes to my work in general, I tend to drop the ball, often waiting till the last minute to get started on it, turning it in late, or simply not turning it in at all. I make promises about the things I will do and then don't do them. I also lack initiative and just follow orders. Socially, I don't have any friends and don't make an effort to try to gain any - I tend to act distant in social interactions and don't join in when people are having group conversations. I'm a talented artist, but the only work I've ever shown others in the last few years has been shoddy, amateurish, and completely unreflective of my abilities, and I've never been complimented for it lol. How do I feel about all this? Pretty freaking bad, yet I make no effort to change. I'm afraid of most things so I avoid them, screwing up my own life and negatively affecting other people's as well. Despite all this, I have this desire to be accepted by someone else as I am. The fact that I accept myself shows that it's possible, I guess (you could argue that I don't have a choice but I definitely chose to be okay with myself after years of self-loathing). I have a shit-ton of flaws and nothing to really offset them - I mean I'm self-aware but I think self-awareness is completely useless if you don't do anything about what you've observed in yourself, and less self-aware people are able to take more risks - and I just have this fantasy of someone showing up and looking at all that I am and being like "you have contributed literally nothing to society and you have no redeeming qualities but I accept you as you are and love you, for no reason other than I just do." But based on the comics I've read this can only happen if you're childhood friends who've known each other for a long time lol. No reason someone's gonna want to be friends with some random person who leaves a poor first impression and doesn't do anything to further the relationship. The plus side of this is that I have a /lot/ of room for growth, lots of things to change that could make me a better person. The negative side is that it is still just as hard to not be avoidant af as it was yesterday

JediMJ

Date posted: 4d ago

Kai (and company), This thread is amazing. It took me DECADES to learn that I am worthwhile and lovable just because I exist. And so are you. We don’t have to DO anything to prove ourselves worthy. We just are. You really struck a chord with many of us…and to think you thought we’d be disgusted! Nope—quite the opposite. Thanks for sharing.

🖤SavageGirl🖤

Date posted: 4d ago

..... Personally, I'd be your friend. I have a ton of flaws too. Being introverted due to anxiety is not something to be ashamed of!! I also feel you may have anxiety induced depression, which isn't uncommon.

🖤SavageGirl🖤

Date posted: 4d ago

You aren't alone. I have BPD that has caused a lot of issues, including difficulty with communication.

flyana

Date posted: 4d ago

It’s funny, I was just about to come into NOCD and post something very similar (down to the being an artist bit), and there’s something really cathartic about hearing someone else going through the same thing. I obviously don’t know you, but I very much see myself in you. I believe I can be doing so much more to change these things in my life, even despite my anxiety and depression, because it’ll fester forever if I let it. But I don’t have to let it — none of us do. As far as redeeming qualities, though, I heard a quote recently that said, “If we love ourselves only when we’re doing well, that isn’t self love — that’s conditional love. True self love means being there for ourselves when things are difficult, no matter what that means.” It sounds to me like you have everything you need to start loving yourself right now. You seem to know how capable you are, and maybe it leaves you frozen. We’re all “useless” until we push ourselves to become useful — it’s just a matter of deciding to commit to it. Once you start to commit, you’ll create reasons to appreciate yourself more. But you can also start loving yourself right now, as you are. Sending you support, strength, and the realization that you have the power to choose yourself. We’re more powerful than we think 💕

Selenalc

Date posted: 4d ago

I would disagree with you when you say you are not a good person. You are. Your presence has positive impact. You are extremely self critical but also very aware of the parts of your behavior that you would like to improve. I totally understand the avoidance due to anxiety. I was a lot like that when I was younger but through therapy and life experience it has gotten so much better! Keep making your art! It doesn’t matter if people compliment or not, of course it’s nice to be recognized but it doesn’t define you as an artist. I’m also someone pursuing an artistic career and still learning this. ❤️ keep going! You will find your people!

Kai S.

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 4d ago

Oh wow... I really didn't expect anyone to reply. I thought people would only feel disgusted by this post so um thank you all for being so nice, now I feel embarrassed for saying all that. I'm gonna return with individual replies later when the anxiety has died down a bit (I know I could try responding immediately as an exposure but it's too scary lol)

GuiltyGrapes

Date posted: 24w ago

Why am I still here?

My life has been hell, and I don’t know how to move on. I (15M) did awful things when I started high school, thinking being sexual was the way to connect. I crossed boundaries, overshared, and kept flirting with friends and making sexual jokes, even after they said no (all over text). One friend stopped talking to me and can’t even look at me now. I feel like a monster. Why shouldn’t I be locked up? If I got therapy, I feel like I’d be sent jail. How can I ever move on?Then there were these 2 guys who were older than me one was 16 one was 17. The 16 yr old was introduced to me by my online friend who is my best friend and I begged the 16 yr old for pics (idk how it started but after my friends ex randomly messaged me and sent me pictures and then blocked me right after I think I became addicted to chasing that high) the 16 yr old eventually sent me a pic but it was real and I stopped bugging him on it after that but i feel so bad I did that but my friend tells me not to feel bad cause the guy was weird but I still feel bad. Then the 17 yr old I did the same thing with him but went too far when I tried getting pics from him by using my best friends ass pics she sent me (she was 15) I don’t think I grasped how wrong this was but that’s not an excuse she eventually found it when I told her after she tried getting pics from the guy herself to try and help me and the guy got mad when she stopped talking to him cause we found it weird talking to him. I told her about how I sent the pics she said she felt sick but forgave me cause she thought I was gonna harm myself. Fast forward the guy told me after I had still been flirting with him that I s@d him (we never met in person ever) and I felt so guilty and apologized a lot and he got annoyed and told me that he had been kinda manipulative to me and kept me in a loop of mystery and I don’t talk to him anymore. But one of my other friends stopped talking to me after I was being by too emotionally taxing on him because I became very depressed and didn’t wanna life anymore and tried to stop lifing a few times. And now idk if I actually s@d someone if I did that to someone and now I think I’m a pdo and I think I s@d my baby cousins and my little brother and now I’m scared bf I can’t even get help because my parents don’t believe in therapy and even if I wanted to I’m scared because I don’t want to go to jail but I think I deserve it honestly why should a monster like me live.

Anonymous

Date posted: 17w ago

I'm fearing myself and I hate it

I haven't been officially diagnosed with OCD but when I learned more about it, I never related to anything more. A little back story: when I was younger, there were a couple of youth suicides in my area and the schools felt the need to have someone come in and talk about suicide. Well the person they had come in did a horrible job teaching it and basically made it seem like the smallest negative emotion or feeling or change in behavior made you suicidal. This ended up scaring me so much that I got horrid anxiety. Fast forward to now, Everytime I feel anxiety and panic, I fear I'm going to kill myself. Everytime I feel down and depressed, I fear I'll end it all. I'm scared to be around anything sharp because the "What if" I hurt myself comes into my mind. There are always intrusive thoughts at almost every point of the day. And it's not only for me. Everytime I hear someone being negative, I fear they will be suicidal. I know in my heart that none of this is true but it's terrifying me that it's stuck around so much that it makes me scared that maybe it is true. I've had a lot of death in my family in the past year and a half and a lot of other family drama that I'd never had before that is now also bringing up existential intrusive thoughts. And I'd never questioned anything about life before but now I get the "why is life like this?" and "does anything we do matter?" and I hate it. I don't want to think like that. I just want to go through life being able to handle things normally again. It terrifies me even right now going "what if you give up?"

Infectedpick...

Date posted: 6w ago

Everyday is a constant cycle of regret and misery

Everyday I wake up, all my mind makes me think of is the stuff I’ve done in the past, like all day I’m in a constant cycle of judging who I used to be and it hurts so so much. I wish I never thought to do those things, I wish I had been more mature than how I was before, it’s really lowering my self worth and I don’t think I’ve ever felt this miserable before, like last summer was the worst because I was dealing with this shit, I about almost ended my life over it, and I thought it would get better, which it did, but it didn’t last but for a while. As soon as it became 2025 I was going through it again, having constant cycles of “I’m a good person” to “I’m the worst person imaginable” and I’m so sick of it because I just want to feel like the good person l like to imagine myself to be, but I can’t because of shit I did in the past that I obsess over. I’ve cried and screamed so much over it and it seems like it will never leave me.

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Share your thoughts so the Community can respond

No redeeming qualities (long vent)

Related posts

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Be a part of the largest OCD Community