First day here

I’m at a loss about what to do. I’ve been with my partner for about a year. I’ve wanted to be with him for 3 years and now I finally have him, I got out of a really toxic 11 year relationship about 4 years ago so I’ve had plenty of time to heal, things where going so great at first in our relationship and I’m still very much happy with him, I love him more than anything, but the past 5 6 months I’ve been having a constant fear that he’s gonna cheat or watch 🌽behind my back any chance he gets , I know that’s a touchy subject for some, but me personally it just makes me feel that I’m not attractive enough,or feel like I’m not good enough, I’ve never found evidence of cheating, and I’ve found 🌽 in his history once but I told him how I felt and he told me he understood how I felt and wouldn’t do it again,and I know the constant asking everyday and needing for reassurance with it is putting a tear in our relationship, I just want to fix it. Does anyone have any advice on how to redirect my brain whenever I start overthinking about it when I’m not around him? It just puts so much stress on me when I’m not around him cause I’m just constantly in my head about it.

Hi, friends. I apologize in advance because this is going to be a long one. Friends and family have tried to help and give me advice, but they don’t truly understand how OCD/ROCD disrupts me from thinking logically. Quick back story: I was in a relationship for 10 years with a guy who I liked enough, but was never truly “in love” with. We bought a house together and everything. I broke up with him in January 2024 after learning that he had been lying to me and hiding multiple substance addictions throughout our relationship. He was also a compulsive liar. Needless to say, I was left in shambles with a ton of trust issues and a mortgage that I couldn’t afford alone. Flash forward to October 2024: I was unexpectedly setup by someone and ended up going on a date with a divorced 38 year old, I’m 30 for reference. Neither of us expected it to go anywhere and we were both the first person the other dated since ending their previous relationship/marriage. Plot twist….I fell absolutely in love with this man. I mean, getting excited to go to bed because I knew when I woke up I could talk to him again in love (🤮). Lame, I know. He said he loved me very quickly after a night of drinking, but the next day made it clear that “I know I was drunk, but I know what I said and I meant it.” Things progressed, we spent a lot of time together very quickly and there were a lot of big feelings. Things were fantastic and I felt like I was living in a movie. Now, here we are 5 months later. I’ve learned that he is definitely an avoidant, which is tough because I have an anxious attachment style. He’s stopped saying the cute things he said in the beginning, and I know that people will say that was the “honeymoon phase” but I still feel just as happy and excited to be around him as I was in the beginning. He’s been pulling away and said that he does love me and wants to be with me, but he needs to work on himself first. I ended up breaking down and telling him everything I was feeling and everything that was upsetting me. He was taken back, but said that he hears me and that everything I’ve said is extremely valid. He said he didn’t realize that I felt that way and he’s sorry. We took a few days to collect our thoughts and process, finally seeing each other again last Friday. When we saw each other we had an open and honest talk. He said that he has noticed that he’s repeating things he’s done in past relationships and that he doesn’t want to do that with me, he doesn’t want to lose me. He said he wants to be together and that he sees a future with me, but he just needs a minute before he can “fully commit” I.e. introduce me to any more of his friends and family. I’m completely lost. I want to be with him more than anything. I respect that he recognizes a pattern and his detrimental behavior and I’m willing to meet him where he is. But at the same time, should I have to try so hard for someone to love me? I don’t want to lose him, but I cannot lose myself again either. I’m torn between “the right person will do what it takes to be with you” and “if they aren’t giving you what you need, walk away”… I know this is long, but if you made it this far, any and all advice would be extremely appreciated. Thank you!!

TLDR my long distance partner broke my trust a year and a half ago, hasn’t built it back, the trust building things have become compulsions for me and my partner tells me all of it is not based in any reality and is now continuing to break my trust even more because of being burnt out from my rOCD compulsions related to that lack of trust. My long distance partner (they/them) has poor boundaries with women and over the past 2+ years consistently prioritizes connections with them over my comfort. They never flirt but they spend time with and become emotionally close with women who are clearly interested and will talk with women online who flirt with them (they don’t flirt back they just engage them in conversation). But because nothing is ever sexually explicit they’ve always gaslit me about this and told me there’s no flirting going on on the women’s end (there definitely is I’ve checked with other people who confirm it’s definitely flirtatious). They’re very into attention generally and have a pretty big following on tiktok and are in a locally very popular band and go to a lot of shows and it all makes me very uncomfortable. This started in late 2023 when we had a big rupture of trust related to them spending time with a specific woman. At that time I told them you can help me rebuild this trust by giving me information and reassurance when you’re out or with people. They struggled a lot to remember to do this (they have several mental health disorders that affect cognition and memory but this stuff is really simple I never ask for anything elaborate just a few sentences). To this day a year and a half later they still haven’t really started doing it (but they tell me that they have (they haven’t) and that I just choose not to trust them) but the struggle of me trying to get them to give me this information and reassurance has very intensely snowballed from a trust building thing into a massive rOCD compulsion and my entire life has been completely turned upside-down to where I’m constantly ruminating about what they’re doing and who they’re talking to. This has understandably affected them too because it’s difficult being constantly hounded about what they’re doing, to the point for them where they’ve now started no longer asking if I’m ok with them spending time in person with certain women they just do it- not only that but they’re now lying about it and hiding it from me (I find out because I’m good at being able to tell when somethings going on). They tell me that the entirety of this issue is just my rOCD, constantly, because they’re not cheating or having sex with these women so that makes it ok. I’m now in a constant state of panic, I can barely sleep and I can’t function. I don’t know what to do has anyone else experienced anything like this? I’m just at the start of exposures with my therapist but it’s really hard when the triggers are real things that are really happening and my partner makes me feel crazy for having the feelings I have about this. I also have to fight to have any sexually intimate time with them (all over the phone since we only meet up a few times a year) and I’m the main one who initiates the vast majority of the time. I feel completely unwanted and like not a priority and my therapist and I have identified that most of my compulsions are trying to prove to myself that I don’t deserve to be treated poorly, because if I let things go and accept being treated this way it means I deserve it. I’m just generally heartbroken and I don’t know what to do.